My 98 year old mom died on 12/12 - COVID-19 related.
Last edited Fri Feb 12, 2021, 12:03 AM - Edit history (1)
After living all alone 700 miles away from me, she had been nearby for almost a year. When she came to visit for Christmas 2019, she got a nasty case of shingles, and spent a week in a hospital near the pediatric office where I work. Then, 3 weeks of rehab to regain strength. During that time, I told her I was not putting her on a plane to go back to Rochester NY, where she had outlived all her friends and former colleagues. She graciously accepted that it was time for a change.
I found a 55+ independent apartment community that is part of a chain designed specially for seniors who are independent but want someplace small, maintenance free, and no stairs. She liked it, I had a blast furnishing and decorating it, and she made a few new friends - not easy to do at 98. She was doing well, and had no cognitive decline.
Everything changed right before Thanksgiving. She texted me “I can’t get up.” I texted right back, and got no answer, so I got right into my car and went to see what what was going on. I found her face down beside her bed, with her face up against the bedside table, and her left arm tangled in the small bed rail she used to help herself up. It was horrifying. I panicked and called an ambulance.
Covid +. 10 days in a different hospital, during which time I could not see her, of course. After 10 days, she said no more interventions, and I arranged for transfer to a non-acute care facility. Still on quarantine.
I had several phone conversations with a hospice nurse who was guiding me thru this mess. That nurse met with my mom on Dec 8th, and reported that my mom told her that she’s had a good life, had no regrets, and the only thing she still wanted was to see me again. On Dec 10th, the quarantine was over, and we spent a very lovely hour together, talking, remembering, laughing ,and she was totally present. Yet one more move was planned for the following day, to a more traditional skilled nursing setting, and she said she was OK with that, trusted my decisions and felt peaceful. I went there to meet with staff and fill out papers. I left feeling pretty hopeful.
About 3 hours later, her day shift nurse called to tell me that her vitals signs had deteriorated dramatically, and she was not responsive. I went right back, and the change in her was complete and stunning. No hand squeeze, no eye focus, no nothing.
I cannot help but feel that once her wish to see me was fulfilled, she decided, “That’s it. I’m outta here.” I sat at her bedside as much as I could for the next 48 hours.
Last Saturday, about 3:30, I told her that I had to go go home for a bit, and that if it was time to let go, that I was OK with that, and that, like her, I was a strong woman and would be fine. About an hour later, I got the call that she had died. I think she waited until I left to slip away.
The hardest part is going to be adjusting to being the last one standing from my family of origin. My dad made it to 90, and died in 2011. I had a younger brother growing up, who died in 1978 in a scuba diving adventure that went wrong.
So now, there is no one left with who to share childhood memories.
My husband and I have been married since 1982, and we have 2 sons, 30 and 28, so I’m not alone in the world, but none of them can share in the, ”Remember when we...” stuff from my early life.
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you got to spend time with her, but am so very sorry for your loss of your mom.
Losing your Mom is one of the most painful losses. So glad that you got to spend time with her - what a blessing. Good that you have a loving family at home, too - already difficult, but without them... Bless you and stay safe, you and your husband and sons. She will always be with you in your heart.
losing her to covid and this close to the holidays. I am sure that being near you this past year brought her immense joy and comfort. You found a great place for her to live and she was loved and supported. I just know you have been a wonderful, compassionate, and conscientious daughter and that she was rightfully proud of you and your family.
for your loss, but you will always have memories of her to remember and cherish.
That was the hardest one for me. I feel your pain.
It has been many years since I lost my mother, yet sometimes it feels like yesterday. Sending you much love (and extra hugs) tonight.
Be at peace.
I am so very sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is difficult at any point to lose a loved one, but especially at this time of year when we all think about being together with our families. May your beloved mother rest in peace.
Hugs to you I am glad she was at peace at least..
my sister and i got a call a little over 3 years ago...mom had been shopping the day before for christmas and had picked up groceries and bought kfc for us for supper.....and we sat down and ate supper and the next morning she got up followed her morning routine and died in the midde of her livingroom....i am in my mid 60's and i still can't believe she is gone ... moms are such a big part of our lives and it doesn't matter how old you are when you get that call ...
It was fortunate that you could share memories with her and say a proper goodbye. I know that doen't lessen the pain. Please take care of yourself.
You helped make her last months so much richer, and she was close to you and loved. May these recent times you shared be a comfort as you grapple with this heartbreak.
I lost my Mom 3 years ago, and I still have days where I think I need to call her to talk about something. The good times memories help.
Take care of you during this time of grieving.
my dad died a long, long time ago.
my mom died eleven years ago.
i was crying as i was thinking about them, and talking to them.
my mom and i were very close. she would be 97 now. my daughter and i were with her when she passed on.
a friend of mine (whose parents are also gone now--for a a number of years) and i have talked about the what-ifs of his parents & my mom. we have both come to the conclusion that we are thankful they didn't have to live and die and in this pandemic era. both of us were able to be with our parents for a couple weeks before they died. i can't imagine my mom and i not being able to be together--i would have lost my fucking mind.
my heart breaks for all those who were physically separated through the quarantine. i can't imagine anything worse (for those who are dying and those who are left behind).
how fortunate for you and your mom that you were not in that group and that you were able to be together as much as you were.
i'm very sorry for your loss. i'm sure she won't be far. you can still say "remember when we..." and she might find a way to let you know that yes, she remembers too.
You wrote that beautifully. May your mom rest in peace, and best to you and your family.
I lost my mom to COVID right before Thanksgiving. It's horribly difficult to lose a loved one this time of year. Wishing you peace.
So sorry for your loss.
Yes, people often do wait until their loved ones leave before they transition.
I'm glad you are able to see your mom's intentiins & that you have your hubby & sons.
Hugs
Our moms are special. They know things about us in many cases even we didn't know or remember. They're our gate keepers, chronologist and the keepers of our beginning histories.
My heart is sending love to you this night.
Condolences for your loss and that knowledge of being the last person standing from your birth family. I know how that feels. When my only sister died in January, I had the exact same feeling. No one to reminisce with, all those childhood/growing up years, all the secrets we had and shared. My parents have been dead for years. So when Sis died, it made me feel like an orphan, an old orphan. 
Like you I've been married a long time and have grown children and dear friends. So I'm not alone. But that ache after a loss like this? It's still there. I suspect it always will be.
How wonderful that you were able to spend that time with your mother before she passed. That was a genuine gift.
Stay well and take care of yourself.
were able to be together to the end. I also have no one to share "remember when we," so I definitely understand that loss. I wonder at questions I never asked when I was younger and they could still be answered.
She sounds like a wonderful, vibrant woman.
You were a good daughter and your mom had a long life. You gave her the peace she needed. It's hard for everyone who is losing family and close friends. Deepest sympathy.
I still have a brother left but he is a crazy Trumper so basically it's like being the only one left. My mom died last Feb. I had no idea how hard it is to lose your mom.
I'm glad you have a family of your own. Hold on tight.
I hope you find peace.
