On being an object, and then not being an object

[redqueen]

Trigger warning

http://www.finslippy.com/blog/on-being-an-object-and-then-not-being-an-object.html

I keep trying to write this post, and every time I'm taken aback at how angry I am, how very furious, and I don't want that, I want to be positive and have fun and entertain. But oh, there's something I want to say, so I try again, and I'm back to being furious. Well. I've literally been at this post for a year and it never gets any funnier or lighter, but I keep wanting to write it; I have to write it; I have to be done with it. So here we go.

A year ago I was at a family event and a few of my mom's friends--older women all--were expressing amazement that I would let my hair go gray. One of them--a woman I've known since I was born--said, "Men don't mind it when their hair goes gray, because gray hair makes you look more intimidating. And a woman doesn't want to look intimidating."

She was so well-meaning, so concerned about my looking approachable and pretty, and I know she didn't mean anything by it. But when she said this, so much rage welled up in me. So much. I made a joke and changed the subject, but all I wanted to do was scream. Loudly.

Because: do I want to look intimidating? God, yes. I do. Yes, please, I very much fucking do.

...

By the time I finished reading this, I wanted to cheer out loud.

[knowbody0]

1. bravo

so liberating to be who YOU are.

[arcane1]

2. This gave me a renewed appreciation for being shy around strangers

I've seen people do the "smile" thing many times, and it's annoyed the hell out of me even without knowing any of the parties involved.

Excellent post!

[PassingFair]

3. Beautifully written.

Reminded me of Alice Walker.

[Patrick_Bateman]

4. Geez,

What are we as a society when a woman has to fret about allowing her hair to go gray or not.

Who the fark cares about what we think! Wear the hair any damn way you want!

Our daughter has 'natural' dreads. She received the nastiest looks from white folks and quizzical looks from African Americans. It was quite funny.

[MuseRider]

5. Turning 50 was huge for me in a very good way.

Something happened inside of me. All of a sudden I did not care one tiny bit what anyone thought. I was not changed in my ways with people except I did no longer put up with any of that kind of crap. I can tell you that my life is better for it. Now, if my hair would only turn gray...very slowly. I am interested to see if there are any more changes in a couple of years when I hit 60.

Thanks for this article. Thanks for all of them.

[CrispyQ]

6. I really enjoyed this.

snip...

To be a young woman in our culture means that you exist, from an alarmingly young age, for the appreciation of others. Therefore, your every feature is fair game for public appraisal.

It means you become accustomed to a certain kind of gaze: a cold survey of your merits and deficits.

It means you tense up when you walk past a group, any group, of men, because you know they're going to say something, it may or may not be positive, and either way it's not going to leave you feeling good about yourself.

=====
Thanks for posting

[BlancheSplanchnik]

13. this snip says it very well

It reminds me of that feeling, of being under observation--am I sexy enough?

It was a critical question for me for many many many years. I know that feeling, that need to pass muster.

It's odd now, to have passed into invisibility. Men have no parallel for this experience, what it feels like. I imagine they face it later, perhaps to a lesser degree, much later. I don't know what it's like for them.


I think the silver accentuates the age---the age that signifies you have passed the "shelf date" and are no longer of interest.

That's the tyranny of, and the freeing from being ruled by biology.

[seabeyond]

14. i have not been able ot express how i feel about the gaze, but yes, this says it.

it is why the last decade or more, i have wanted to look the man in the eyes and say.... who the fuck are you.... lol

[BlancheSplanchnik]

15. lol! Looking them in the eye....

yes I used to do that too.

I kind of straddled a fence; sometimes I'd be on the "I need the approval!!" side, and sometimes I'd be on the "Fuck You, dude!" side. Definitely, forcibly returning the gaze, making forceful eye contact, is key.

[seabeyond]

16. forcibly returning the gaze, making forceful eye contact, is key.

it really really is. instead of putting head down, looking away.... looking them in the eyes, they literally shrivel. this is how i know they are not just "admiring". they know. i know. and it is all about disrespect. who the fuck has the right to be disrespectful to a stranger without repercussions..... their eyes drop.

[Patrick_Bateman]

7. Last week,

my wife shaved most of her hair off. She has been threatening to do it for years. She claims our daughter "sucked the waves out of her hair" when she was pregnant.


Anyway, she looks great! a beautiful head. Sinead O'Connor-esque.

[seabeyond]

8. welcome to du. nt

[Patrick_Bateman]

9. Grazie Grazie!

[One_Life_To_Give]

10. Hair is not intimidating, attitude is.

People who choose not to be lemmings and do exactly the same as everyone else can be intimidating. But if you look close gray or colored, make-up or not. Intimidating women would be intimidating either way. Do it because it's what you want and not because some Madison Ave type tells you to.

[Happy2323]

11. haha

Sorry I shouldn't laugh but it was funny.

But you are right why do men get to be intimidating? I think anyone with grey hair looks down to earth, natural, and wise no matter the sex. But on the same token I wouldn't judge someone just on their hair colour male or female.

[seabeyond]

12. Welcome to du, to you too. Lol

Ya, I never thought of gray as intimidating. Ah well

[raccoon]

17. This Ii totally agree with:

"Being middle aged renders you invisible to the kinds of creeps who dole out harassment, so you're mostly left alone. I'm really enjoying it. Not only do I not miss my youth, I am pleased to be rid of it. "

[Whisp]

18. what a fantastic read

I swear to god that could be me writing that - but not as well as the author.

same shit!