Outta Control Teen... It's fucking Karma isn't it?

[FirstLight]

My youngest son is 14, now a freshman. I would like o say he was an easy child but he was always my little tantrum-thrower and button pusher...so I guess it figures he's being this way now...

Started smoking pot during the summer and I was trying to be open minded because all my kids know I smoke. I put limits on when, where and refuse to give him money for it. (yeah he's blown past all that now)

Used to be a baseball player and started fucking up toward the end of the season...couldn't keep himself from fooling around with teammates sisters and ended up burning friendships and blowing off the playoffs because he was ashamed to show his face at the last game/BBQ... and used an argument with me as an excuse.

He was in a class for the "bad kids" last year of middle school and we were really looking forward to him having a fresh start as a freshman...but the school year started off with some serious drama and now I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

~~~
Been a single mom all their lives... first hubby left before my oldest was even born at 22...second hubby got violent so I ran for our lives with the two youngest ones when the oldest was 12 (babies were 2 & 7 mos) So yeah, I guess I have some "issues" with "men" but have also done a shit-ton of therapy and have made great strides NOT to bring the story of my failed marriages into the kids' lives.
The oldest son was pretty screwed up when this happened, resented the younger siblings for a LONG time and whle his teen years were no picnnic, he was mostly withdrawn and anrgy inside...I tried to get him into therapy, youth groups etc but he rejected it all... But for background sake... you just need to know he hates me. He and his wife (yes, he moved out with her @ 18 and got married by the time he was 20...)
~~~~

So the last 6 months the youngest has started 3 different altercations with me and it has led to me using my hands to try and control him. The last time, he had gone into my room where his sister was sleeping ( in my bed b/c it was quieter and we had been watching a movie) and was literally standing over her screaming very agressively ...so I snapped and said HELL NO get out of my room I will Not tolerate this behavior. He stood up taller than me and puffed out his chest and said "what are you gonna do about it?" So I prceeded to push him (wih open palms) toward the door and into the hallway...
He immediately calls his brother and says I beat him up and to come get him...they all call the cops and CPS and this kids of mine tells them I bashed his head into the wall and scratched him...
So he stayed with his brother for the past 2 months..I even printed out a temp guardianship generic form and made sure they could get him medical care if he got sick, etc.
In that time NONE of them would speak to me and the oldest and wifey decided to take me to court for full custody...
well, the crux of that was the judge said they have to contact the abusive dad because BOTH parents have to be notified...
Then MY mom freaks out and tells them to stop the process...
next think I know they dump the poor teen back on my doorstep without a word.

So he's been home for about a week or so... and he thinks it's all back to party time and no rules
he's leaving campus and cutting class and won't listen to my warnings to tell him to stop
he's supposedly in a group therapy thing at school...so now I am in contact with the counselors and having them keep an eye on him...as well as the Vice Principal
I figure all I can do at this point is wait for the other shoe to drop... let him get nicely busted and thrown in Juvey

Then I can leave him in there till he wets himself and he'll MAYBE grow some humility...

Anyways, it sucks and I'm mostly just needing to rant and get some support because I just don't know how to get him to fly straight... he doesn't realize how much the partying in HS can fuck up your future.

What sucks more is that when he came home I can't tell you how many friends asked me if I finally kicked his ass like he deserves and showed him who's boss.
I'm not a violent person, and I hate that i seems like the only way to get through his thick head could be some "old fashioned whuppin" even though I'd never go there...

I just keep hoping if the school and the campus cops know what's going on they can help...Even though I hate the whole CPS fostercare idea even more. He doesn't realize that now they have created a case...they could take him away from me...
(and could they take his sister too?)

[Corvo Bianco]

1. Wow.

I am regularly lamenting about how tough life is and I've only got my own to worry about.

I don't know what to do, other than welcome him when he's well and willing to try, and setting the standard that violence is never acceptable--nobody in your home should be taught that violence is power. Violent behavior must be shamed.

I hope he pulls his head out if his ass.

[FirstLight]

3. thanks

-yeah... at least I've got ONE good one! My daughter is a total straight A student and wants to go into politics! ha!
(My daughter's favorite lament about her brothers is "what's WRONG with the men in this family?" Of course the brothers think I am raising her to be a "man-hater" like me :eyeroll: I guess it's kind of funny she's pretty sure she's a lesbian! lol)

and yes, the whole violence thing is verbal/emotional too...that's what they need to understand...


I appreciate the reply, it helps me feel less "alone" in this mess

[Corvo Bianco]

5. That's awesome that daughter isn't impressed

Keep each other sane
Did she catch Rachel Maddow last night? Women schooling the world on thoughtfulness and inclusion. Yes!

http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/democratic-wave-brings-new-faces-into-politics-1091838531909?cid=sm_fb_maddow

Cheers

[FirstLight]

6. yeah...

she's the one who reads the news and tells ME what's going on as I drive her to the bus stop!
we're both really stoked by the Trans victories this week

[leftofcool]

2. As sad as this sounds, if he won't go to counseling to get help, let him hit rock bottom

As a teacher (before retirement), I worked with kids just like him. Could be, instead of telling him what to do, just keep telling him you love him no matter what and that you hope he will see some light. Don't throw him out, don't get physical, just give him as much love as possible. Hug him if he will let you and be nice. Sometimes, it is we parents who have to change first.

[FirstLight]

4. exactly what I am doing...

I am not yelling, at ALL... not trying to "control" the problems or him... just giving him love and letting him know in a calm way that I don't like the class cutting, etc...

I am starting a new therapist as well, hoping to bring the whole family into the mix too

Funny, I also work with kids...kindergarteners... I've learned a LOT from them too! :love:

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

7. Okay, I have to ask this.

Did you set rules and limits from the very beginning? Or did you just sort of hope things would work out?

Clearly you're in a very dreadful situation, and it's hard to suggest what you might do. Although I will say that you need to set limits, tell him what is and is not acceptable and do not deviate from those standards.

You are right that he doesn't realize how much the partying in HS can fuck up his future. He will probably have to learn the hard way. And that will be at least as hard on you as it is on him.

I can only offer this (based on my experience with a difficult child): You establish ground rules. You stick to them. You provide love and support, but only so long as he sticks to those ground rules. If he's convinced he can live outside or without those rules, then let him. But DO NOT enable him. He's going to be claiming he's old enough to live as he wants, and you'll agree. But YOU WILL NOT support a life style that is far outside or yours. It's hard, I know.

[FirstLight]

8. update...

Well last week we spent a night in the ER because he was threatening suicide...
(he tried to start an argument and when I wouldn't engage, he went there...)

BUT we have a Dr. appt tomorrow and will be getting a referral to a psychiatrist for a full eval... I also had trouble as a teen and realized as an adult I was self-medicating for depression

so we are taking the steps for healing, and I am seeing a counselor too and will eventually bring in the kids as needed.

Also, there's something to be said for thinking about the "long-game" of it all... just because he gets suspended this week, doesn't mean he will end up being a murderer as an adult, or not getting a job or going to college. I managed to turn my life around numerous times.

So yeah, we've got some clear boundaries in place. And we're both learning to just talk about "stuff" more ...so that our interactions aren't just about discipline.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

9. Thank you for the update.

This is not easy, and I hope that you and your son eventually make it through.

I'm sending you a PM.

[FirstLight]

10. thanks