We get text messages instead

[SHRED]

My wife lost her Dad last Friday after a long struggle with emphysema. Her and I have cared for him for years. It's been difficult.

I had one friend actually pick up his phone and call me.
My two grown daughters (wife has no kids) and my sister only sent a text or two to of condolence to my wife. No calls to either one of us to ask us how we are doing.

We've been getting no help and only requests from her uncles, brother, and nieces.
Her dad's brothers aren't even coming out for the funeral.

We are alone with the planning of his funeral which we are not sure very many will attend.
It's not like we are a family that fights with each other.
This death has highlighted big dysfunctions that I was not aware of.

This is hell.

Thanks for listening.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. I am so sorry, my dear Shred...

I don't even know what to say. It IS hell.

I suspect the folks who aren't calling are just uncomfortable with the situation and don't know how to respond.

My deepest condolences to you and your wife.

[SHRED]

2. Thank you

[TreasonousBastard]

3. Sorry to hear that, but this sort of family disfunction is not unusual...

and I think I've seen a lot more of it than I have "normal" families, including in my own.

Is it more common now than when I was a kid in the 50's and 60's? I really don't know, since I only have my own little circle to look at, but from my point of view it seems a lot more common.

If it is more common, I wonder why...

[SHRED]

5. This experience has me thinking...

...about giving up my smart phone and simplifying.

I think texting and other forms of non verbal communication have damaged the actual human to human experience.
Maybe just a flip phone so people would actually need to call me and me call them.

We've gotten lazy and dehumanized I think.

[kanda]

4. so sorry

Wow. I am so sorry for your loss. And also for the lack of support from family. So many people don't know what to say during a difficult time, so they decide to say nothing. For the bereaved, a simple phone call with just a few words can mean so much. May you each find the strength to help one another. My sincere condolences to both of you.

[SHRED]

6. I don't get calls anyway

Last edited Tue Sep 8, 2015, 11:48 AM - Edit history (1)

From my family.

We are considering moving away.
Not much for us here.

Thank you for your kind words.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

8. I understand where you're coming from...

But let me caution you.

You and your wife are grieving, and will be for a while. This is not the time to make large, important decisions. It is time to rest, and contemplate your loss and to take care of each other.

[No Vested Interest]

9. Wise words, Peggy.

Eventually the grief and hurt will be less sharp, though it remains under the surface.
Try not to nurse the hurt, Shred.

As far as the brothers, etc. not coming to the funeral - if it's a distance and planes would be necessary - consider the very high cost of plane fares, especially at the last minute. The brothers and others may not be prepared to pay such a high cost. The brothers, assuming they are relatively close to your father-in-law in age, may find traveling difficult, not to mention a hotel and perhaps car rental.
My own brother, who has means, did not travel from the West Coast to my spouse's funeral, on only a few days notice. I do not hold it against him, though I am grateful that my children were here and spouse's only sister and her husband came from the East Coast, likely at great cost.

[SHRED]

11. Thanks Peggy

[SHRED]

7. Thanks for the condolences

This is difficult.

[No Vested Interest]

10. If you feel close enough to your daughters and to your sister,

reach out and tell them of your grief and hurt, and tell them that you could use their support, and presence, if that's at all possible for them on short notice.

They may not be sufficiently aware of your feelings.
I recall saying to my spouse at one time - "I am not a mind-reader."
Sometimes we need to articulate in a non-judgmental manner what we are thinking.

[SHRED]

12. My wife lost her Dad

If they can't understand that pain and give a phone call I'm not sure reaching out will do much but I appreciate your concern. Thank you.

[No Vested Interest]

13. You and your wife are definitely hurting.

You will be in my thoughts as you go through this difficult time.

[SHRED]

14. More hugs

[ohheckyeah]

15. I'm very sorry

for your wife's loss of her father and you losing your father in law. I understand the pain and the family dysfunction. I truly wish I could help. We are going through the same hell and it makes me sad you are, too.

Take care of each other.

[SHRED]

16. Awww

Thank you and sorry to hear about your situation also.
Take care.

[auntAgonist]

17. It's a (horrible) sign of the times isn't it? I'm so sorry for your loss and for the dysfunction

that a lot of families seem to face these days.


My family is much the same. We don't fight, but we don't communicate very well. I try to call often and my calls are met by voicemails. My emails go unanswered a lot of the time.

Distance, physical distance, out of sight out of mind I suppose.

I am truly sorry for your wife and you.
May your Father-In-Law rest in peace.

My sincere condolences to all of you.

aA
kesha

[SHRED]

18. Thank you

We sent out a link to many relatives yesterday of a memorial website we made for him.

Very little response.
More salt in the wound.

I guess we are expecting too much but I tell you what...If one of my daughter's husbands lost their parent I'd be on the phone in a heartbeat. I called my friend when he lost his 18 year old son last January. I called him one day after and that was difficult. One of my son in laws texted me he was sorry for not calling and said he just "shuts down" in times like this. At least he did that but I still look at that as real selfish. My kids call me and I call them when they have issues but they NEVER call me or us when we do.

I will probably need to tell them how all this has affected us but a part of me dreads what it will dredge up.

[orleans]

19. sending both you and your wife heartfelt condolences and love

i was going to say maybe this texting crap is due to a generational thing, but after i reread your post i see your sister didn't phone either.

so that kind of rules out my "it's a generational thing" theory.

how did you initially let people know he had passed? now i'm thinking if you texted them to begin with then maybe they are just following your lead and thinking you have a lot to handle and they don't want to interfere. (just a thought/guess)

my mom didn't want a funeral--there weren't that many people in her life to be filling up the seats at a funeral home. so we didn't have one. instead, we had a memorial service for her (a year later!), and did a few little things such as donating books to the library (they would let me come & look over the book before it went on the shelf and then they put a name plate inside it in her honor & memory.)

the "memorial" was at our house, and it was an open house that began in the early afternoon and people could come and go all day. a few of my daughter's friends stayed until two or three in the morning. we had a buffet with all her favorite foods & candies & deserts, served her favorite drinks, played a video slideshow that just ran all day on a laptop set up in the living room, and filled the house with the music she loved. it was fairly informal, and fairly low stress which was important. we gathered, we told stories, we cried, we laughed. and i felt strong enough to be around these people by that time.

i hope both you and your wife find comfort in the days ahead. it's such a stressful and sad time--she is fortune to have you there to help her and hold her.


orleans

[SHRED]

20. Thank you so much