Another anniversary and it doesn't get any easier.

[polly7]

Last edited Wed Sep 23, 2015, 12:12 PM - Edit history (1)

I've been having anxiety attacks all day, the hour is approaching when I found my Dad. Sometimes I just wonder if I can make it through it ..... every second of that day and night just keeps replaying over and over, and it hurts exactly like it happened yesterday. When I lost my son, he was the one who kept me sane and forced me to go on. Now there are so many days I just wonder why I tried so hard. You never think your hero and the person you know who loved you no matter what, will ever leave, and I know that's selfish, but I miss him so much.

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[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. You're not being selfish, not at all.

I understand about missing someone dear. It's very tough to get past.

Have you gotten any help from a therapist or counselor? They can really help.

[polly7]

2. I have talked to a counselor, but there's only so much they can say.

Maybe there's something in me that blocks the help she was trying to give me, I don't know, then there was once I couldn't even talk, I just had to leave. Thinking of what he went through emotionally just before rips my heart out. He deserved so much better ...... I feel like I let him down not giving him enough hope and for everything he did for me for so long, that part is crushing.

Thank you, Peggy. You're always here for everyone and are such a good soul.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. Thank you for your kind words, my dear polly7...

But I've had serious grief, especially this year, and I have some idea of how painful it is to endure. I really hate to see others suffer with this.

I would urge you to try again with the counselor, or perhaps find a new one. Mine is terrific and knows how and when to listen, and when to talk to me.

[polly7]

4. I'm so, so sorry for your losses.

I wish you strength and peace dealing with them, and I know that's easier said than done. I really hate to see others suffer too, it bothers me so much ... my Dad always told me I cared too much (but he did too). You're so strong to be able to comfort others the way you do. I used to be that way. I wish I still could be, but I just don't feel strong enough to handle the my own pain anymore. Maybe I'll get there again.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

5. I'm pretty old, and that helps, because I have some perspective I didn't have when younger.

I know I will get through this (at least I think so when I'm feeling pretty good) but it is going to take a lot of time.

[polly7]

8. I hope so, Peggy.

I think you will, too. Again, my condolences.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

9. Thank you, dear polly...

My condolences to you too.

[Hoppy]

6. Every day is a challenge for some of us. Sometimes it does get better with time. Maybe it all will.

I lost my father on Christmas day, 1998. Talk about one hell of a Christmas present. I missed him terribly for the first several years and the pain diminished as the years went on.

I lost Joyce two years ago. We had been together for 23 years. That left an emptiness in my life that I may never be able to fill.

Regarding your "letting him down," you don't know the amount of comfort and support you gave him. Some during his last days and most throughout your life. That you feel it was inadequate, doesn't mean he felt the same about the love you gave him.

[polly7]

7. I'm so sorry, Hoppy.

Such devastating losses.

That emptiness I feel always, like just a shell remains. Hopefully, for all of us, the good memories can at least take up a bit of that space. Being around others, it feels so good to hear their name mentioned and laugh like they're still here, but when I'm alone the sadness takes over and all I can feel is pain. It's so hard, isn't it.

[murielm99]

10. How long has it been?

Sometimes we replay that moment for years. I found that in my case, it did get easier over time. Now, when I remember my first husband's death, it is easier if I do happen to remember the worst of those nightmare times. I try not to blame myself for my failings. I try these days to be a comfort to others experiencing those memories.

It is easy for me to say that it gets better. It is not easy for you. I understand that.

You will make it through. Do whatever helps. Let the pain happen. Cry. Yell. You will make it through.

I am trying to help my daughter get through her grief. All I can do is listen and be there. Someday, you may be needed to help someone else you care for. I don't know if that will help get you through, but it might.

[polly7]

11. It will be 5 years in about one hour.

My Dad shot himself and I found him. I'd just said goodnight to him an hour earlier after trying to give him hope that we hadn't even started yet to explore possibilities to get him help for a sudden illness. He'd never been sick a day in his life, and I know he did it to spare all of us from what he believed he would be going through. I've seen many suicides with the ambulance, but nothing prepared my heart and soul for his. I have nightmares that he's calling for me and I can't reach him. I just can't seem to process it.

I just don't really know the words to tell others anymore, because I know how hard it is, and personally ... I'm just stuck, so don't know if I'm helping others when I try to help or just making them feel worse. I know I'm not making much sense.

[murielm99]

12. My son joined a suicide prevention group

when he lost a close friend to suicide. The young man's family is active in the group, and active in trying to get more help for veterans who are suicidal. That hole will always be in their lives, but they are trying to manage.

I don't know if that is useful, but it does work for some people.

[polly7]

13. I'm very sorry for your son.

I live in a rural area ...... there are no support groups of any kind, really ... I can see how it would be helpful though. It would be very, very hard at first I imagine. I should call someone in my family but it's so late here. If I can just get through this night, I'll be ok. Just had a bit of a panic attack like I always seem to. Thanks so much, murielm99.

[ohheckyeah]

14. It's almost 3:00 a.m. EST

and I just saw this. I hope you are sleeping and tomorrow will be better, even if only a tad.

My deepest condolences. I know how painful losing your father is.

[polly7]

15. Thanks ohkeckyeah,

I had some help leftover from a long time ago and finally did get some sleep at about 4 a.m. The sun is shining and I'm going to spend the day outside, I have a lot of work to do so am not going to think ... just do.

I appreciate your reply very much.

Have a wonderful day.