WTH! Another suicide in barely over a month.

[crimycarny]

I wrote that my 25-year old son committed suicide 1/27/2022. I am still reeling from overwhelming grief and GUILT I didn’t know how much pain he was in. I didn’t see the signs. I torture myself knowing he felt so worthless that the world be better off without him. He was the KINDEST person I know. A truly special kid who made it a point to ask me and his dad how we were doing—every day. How could he think he was worthless?

Well, my daughter just texted me tonight that a teammate of hers committed suicide today. 23. Played on my daughter’s team at college (don’t want to give too many details to protect privacy)

This girl was super outgoing, an amazing athlete, seemed amazingly confident, and always looked out for the underdog (bench players) on the team. LAST person I would have considered to be contemplating suicide.

Our mental health care SUCKS. I am heartbroken. WTF are we doing?

[SheltieLover]

1. So sorry to hear this!

[blm]

2. The last few years have been especially difficult ones for empaths.

((crimy))

[applegrove]

3. Biden mentioned mental health and young people in his speech.

(((HUGS)))

[vercetti2021]

4. Doesn't surprise me

At all. Mental health is the worst it's been in many years. Young kids feel the world is against them. Pain is too much.

[crimycarny]

9. Yes...it is absolutely horrible

The lack of understanding of how to reach these kids BEFORE they get to the point of no return is so frustrating. Honestly, I didn’t really understand what was so wrong with our approach until this happened to my son. It seems like the immediate knee jerk reaction when someone mentions they are having suicidal thoughts is to immediately intervene in ways that can be more harmful than helpful. “Thinking of suicide? OMG!! Let’s take you out of school/job/sport and put you in intensive intervention!” No wonder kids don’t want to say anything when they are first having those thoughts. Not only does that intensive intervention create more stigma but it also can take kids away from perhaps the only bright spots in their lives (their sport, their job, etc). I’m not saying intensive intervention isn’t necessary sometimes (maybe even most of the time) but not a one size fits all approach. REMOVE THE STIGMA!

I was in a support group for survivors of suicide and mentioned at times the pain was so strong I thought of suicide myself at times. This is extremely common for survivors of suicide. Someone in the group piped up and said “I’m a social worker trained in this area so I have to ask x,y,z...”. Oh, I shut up right away. The threat was that I’d be taken into some intervention program and yanked from those I needed the most—my family. I never mentioned it again. Too afraid to. I guarantee many kids feel that way.

[vercetti2021]

12. I'm so sorry about your son

Thing is. Like when I attempted suicide the first time. It was 17 years old. My dad fueled a lot of it. He was mentally abusive towards me. It helped fuel it a lot. Its things like little quips to someone that demoralize someone little by little. Going to work, dealing with abusive bosses, coworkers, and customers. Its just it builds in more and more pain. Add covid, the way the world is going, lack of opportunities, debt and it makes it worse. Or relationships. My second attempt came from losing someone. Turns out my dysphoria was a lot of it. Being unhappy as a man all my life. Dealing with having to be a certain way. It plagues the mind. It starts to feel that you won't be loved, accepted and you feel lost. No other way out.

Sometimes it becomes too much. To this day I still feel like dying because I'm tired. I'm attempting to save my life. But anything can effect it sadly.

But those who are like this. Smile and make others happy and laugh. Those are the ones you should watch and treat with as much love. Because they are the ones who are silently suffering

[crimycarny]

15. Thank you so much for sharing

That sounds so much how my son felt. I think of it almost like certain people being a radar for all the emotions out there—absorbing it all—with no armor. Just absorbing everything and they can’t release it. It just builds up.

My son talked about (in his note) how he watched others who seemed to be able to face “failure” or challenges and just let it roll off their shoulders. He wondered why he couldn’t do the same and assumed that since he couldn’t he was a failure himself. What he DIDN’T see is that he was far more empathetic than those who let things roll off. He’d be the one to spend more time with a customer at work even though it put him behind. He did this with an elderly woman who didn’t want to stop talking. He listened even though it meant his boss would be made for not processing orders fast enough. Turns out this woman had just lost her husband and just needed to talk. My son listened...no one else even noticed her. How could he not see how this was a great gift he had?

So your story hits a nerve..

[vercetti2021]

19. Sorry it took me this long to respond

But most of my friend circle were extremely dependent on me to bring them sort of relief where others failed to do so. My one friend who now lives in Tennessee would call me when a relationship failed or something of the sort. I'd rush over and let her cry and cry on my shoulder. I'd stay over with her. But she was abusive. Accused me of wanting to sleep with her and went as far as claimed I sexually harassed her when I just hugged her while she was lying down one day. That alone pushed me into suicidal levels again because that easily could ruin someone's life.

I have a current friend that is so so so heavily dependent on me now to the point she wants to fly me out to spend time with her during her divorce. She is bipolar and I believe has other mental issues that are not diagnosed. She attempted suicide this past holiday season and she was on the phone describing how she cut herself so badly she was seeing all this blood. It threw me into a PTSD when I did my attempt in a similar manner. I had to distance for my own health only to be met with how selfish I was.

I take so much in. It builds and manages to stay in. I'm afraid eventually it's going to pop. Only friend I had that was a good genuine friend moved last year to Spokane and I miss her so badly. And my only friend I got left locally is a raging misogynistic asshole who is against my transition.

I totally can see how your son was and how I see myself. Like a bastion punching bag for others and no one bothered to listen to us. So we smile and hide it

[LizBeth]

5. What a loss in your heart, your son's death. I am so sad for you.

So so sad and knowing you wish you could have a do over. My mom committed suicide. I knew at the time the possibility was there. She was seeing a therapist. How does one prevent? Can one prevent? The pain she experienced overwhelmed her and the chemicals in her brain told her this was the answer. She does not suffer any more. It is those of us that are without that special person doing the suffering. I am so sad for your loss.

[crimycarny]

13. My son hid it well

I knew he had anxiety, I’ve dealt with anxiety all my life (genetic), but I had no idea it had gotten to the point it was unbearable. I will never forgive myself for that.

Plus the internet has normalized, even glamorized suicide. He got his “instructions” on a website. Told him exactly what chemicals to use, how long it would take to die (instantaneous), and what type of environment he needed to do it in (enclosed area).

[LizBeth]

16. But...

You have GOT to forgive yourself. He worked hard at concealing it from you. Where is your blame? It is what it is and not on you as much as you want to own it. Horrible that it is, and I cannot imagine the pain, he worked hard for you not to be able to do anything. Where is the blame for that? Work there. You must forgive you because you had NO power here. It was your sons choice and though the pain is yours, he worked at making sure you did not hurt for his pain.

[LizBeth]

17. Here is a huge something.

Remember him as he was. The years of love and embrace of a lifetime with him. Not his last moments here. That does not define the man/child he was. He simply did not want to be in this world, regardless.

[crimycarny]

18. Trying to get there

But it’s only been a little over a month.

I did have a dream on the one month anniversary of his death. I had been begging him to come to me in a dream to let me know he was ok. I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife. Right now I’m super cynical. But that night I dreamed he was sitting across from me on the couch. Sitting in his favorite pajama pants that he likes to wear all the time. He was relaxed and had a smile on his face. We were talking like we often did...relaxed and just shooting the breeze.

He was telling me how much anxiety he had suffered his whole life and how much I had helped him through those times. Then he mentioned a specific time where he was in a VERY dark place and I had pulled him out of it. He didn’t say what that specific event was, but it was clear he meant he almost committed suicide and I had done something to help him feel hope. Then he said “You were my Angel of Light”. That last phrase stuck in my head when I woke up because my son was an atheist (or so he said), and I was on the fence. Not totally ruling out the idea of a higher power, but pretty darn skeptical. So neither one of us would have used the terminology “Angel of Light”.

I try to remember that dream but it’s still hard to not let guilt creep in.

[orwell]

6. Sorry to hear that...

...I can't imagine what young people in their 20's are going through right now. Sometimes the path forward looks so bleak for all of us. We are so separated by decades of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" nonsense that we think that we are all alone.

We have lost our sense of community.

So sorry to hear about your beautiful boy.

[crimycarny]

10. Exactly

And social media makes it so much worse. Kids are living in a virtual reality world. Social media “influencers” post all this crap that make it seem their lives are nothing less than perfect and wonderful. It’s not reality. Those of us who grew up without social media know that’s complete BS. Our younger kids/adults don’t have enough years and experiences under their belt to understand the stuff admired on social media is often fake—and not the truly important things in life.

[benpollard]

7. The really kind young people seem to be most at risk.

I've read too many stories about kind, empathic, generous young people committing suicide. Perhaps it's because there are so many assholes in the world that decent people don't fit in. That's how it seems sometimes. The world sucks.

[crimycarny]

14. 100% agree

Empaths so much more at risk, especially in these times. World sucks. We value money, fame, physical beauty. Not being kind, caring, empathetic—nah, that stuffs unimportant and “boring” (in today’s world).

[Bluethroughu]

8. I'm sorry for the loss of your son, and now your daughter's friend.

There is a lot of suicide on my husband's side of family, but each individual had many warning signs that they were at risk.

My son 17, confided in my husband and I, that he was suicidal last summer because he was sad and lonely. We would never have known. He was always busy working on his projects, and sharing wit and laughs regularly at the dinner table.

I'm glad he told us, but I will never understand how I didn't see it. This frightens me.

Some people are clearly at risk, while others carry the weight of the world with them and no one, not even moms, can tell the hardship and pain of that.

I can only offer my condolences and the experiences we've had, either way it's a tough recovery.

[Groundhawg]

11. We are living in end of times. So sorry for your loss.

[ChazII]

20. Checking in to see how you

are doing today.

[crimycarny]

21. Today's a tough day

Thanks for checking in. The worst part of my son's suicide is the guilt I feel for not realizing the weight he was struggling under. Looking back he was struggling with how to get back into the real world once it looked like COVID was easing. Though a high achiever change and challenges created deep anxiety in him. COVID gave him a break because it was "ok" to ease up on expectations. He graduated from UC Davis right in the middle of COVID lockdown so any movement into a career was halted. I think that was a big factor in adding to his anxiety once it looked like COVID was winding down. It's like merging onto a highway while already moving versus having to try and get on the highway when completely stopped. If he'd been in his normal routine, not halted, I think it would have been easier for him to ease into the next phase of his life.

My thinking was if I could help ease him into this next stage his anxiety would ease and thus his depression would lift. What I know now is that he was struggling with suicidal depression, not manageable depression caused by his normal anxiety of what to do next. It wasn't his normal anxiety, it was off the charts terror and was consuming him. He saw all his friends moving on without any fear and he felt something was wrong with him for not being able to do the same. That his fear meant he was flawed, a loser, and his self-loathing was through the roof. I didn't know how deep his self-loathing was until after he killed himself and we found notes along with some posts he'd made on Reddit. I will never ever forgive myself for not understanding the weight he was laboring under. Never.

[TigressDem]

22. The stress level in the world is getting to the most tender hearted among us.

I am so sorry your son and daughter's team mate have succumbed to it and took the final solution for whatever reasons they had.

I am so sorry for you to have to be the one left behind with the questions and grief, but believe me, you have ZERO guilt in this situation. Those that hide their pain and exit stage right like that don't allow anyone to help them. There is NOTHING you could have done if you didn't know.

My son was suicidal when his wife and he decided to divorce recently and he wisely had her take the shotgun because he was afraid he would use it. I've talked him off the ledge several times in his life, but he ASKED for help.

Having been suicidal myself due to depression and a life that has hit me "splatt" in the face countless times, I learned that it is MY responsibility to hold myself accountable and talk to someone when I get those thoughts. This year I have had to "out" myself 3 times and it's only halfway through March.

Last year was worse in some ways, but the situation in Ukraine is SO HORRIBLE that I often just break down because of my petty concerns. Feeling like I "should be grateful" and while that IS true and it isn't my fault Putin is bombing babies, the disconnect in the world and people on the Reich who swallow propaganda like it was fine wine makes my mind ache.

What people need to survive is resilience. Like palm trees that bend almost like gymnasts during the hurricanes so they don't break.

There are many places to get it that aren't part of the "official" mental health system. I was in 12 Step programs for about 30 years. It was a place where I took the time to be honest with myself and others and was admired for my thoughts on various subjects. People take turns leading the meetings and/or speaking on topics. It's really gratifying to process something and hear that it actually helped someone, but that isn't why one does it.

Church and spiritual counseling work for some. Other systems are fine as well. Grief support groups teach people quite a bit. Native Americans actually have great healthy concepts as well.

What is important is NOT where you go or if it is "approved" by anyone, but that a person finds what makes them feel their own strength.

My BIGGEST strength in the face of suicidal thoughts is procrastination.

One of my biggest weaknesses is the thing that keeps me alive long enough to get help.

Successful, driven people may not have that odd skill. And a moment of weakness and not wanting anyone to think less of them in their darkest hour is sometimes a fatal mistake that ends an otherwise worthy life.

There are many successful people who apply other strengths to this issue and live past that moment... but if a person won't reach out and they let those thoughts continue, it becomes a downward spiral.

Maybe the best a person can do is tell their loved ones, "IF YOU EVER NEED TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS THAT COULD POSSIBLY LEAD TO SUICIDE, KNOW THAT I WON'T JUDGE YOU AND I WON'T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO OR NOT DO, BUT I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU AND HELP YOU FIGURE IT OUT."

Ironically, suicide can be a way to reach for personal power, so finding a way to help a person get to their personal power and believing in them even when they don't at that moment can get them through the draw to that as the "ONLY" answer.

I hope you find a path through your grief that makes you stronger and resilient to all the crap that life can throw at us.

I hope anyone in your life learns to ask for help and does NOT take the final answer to temporary problems.

I hope God blesses you deeply and treats you kindly in honor of your son and the beauty that was his life, despite the choice he made.

His life up to that point sounds like a great blessing to you. Remember that and forgive him for his momentary weakness. I am certain if he could take it back, he would. Seeing how much it hurts you. You know he loved you and it was a moment of weakness that took him away.

Sometimes the thought of my family having to grieve and live with my mistake makes me pause long enough to get around to procrastinating my way out of suicide.

Maybe in general people should just have a list of 500 things to do instead of killing themselves. Maybe that's the true purpose of bucket lists. I don't know. But doing ANYTHING other than thinking about suicide is a step away from it.


Prayers and hugs, Tigress.

[crimycarny]

23. Thank you

Thanks so much for taking the time to write up all your experiences/thoughts on this. It's so helpful to hear from others who have either been this depressed or have someone close to them who has been this depressed.

I think a HUGE hole in our mental health care is not understanding the difference between crippling anxiety and depression. The two can be polar opposites as to what parts of the brain are overactive/underactive--but the same meds are used to treat each condition: antidepressants. Antidepressants don't work as a panacea for everyone but that's all doctors seem to want to prescribe.

It was someone on DU who pointed me towards a new treatment from Stanford which offers a lot of hope. Called the SAINT method. Uses magnetic resonance to target the area of the brain that is under/overactive and it has a 90% success rate in treating depression. No medication and the results seem to be long-lasting.

We need more treatments than the "one size fits all" antidepressant route. One of the researchers involved in the study was quoted as saying "this will change the world".

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/saint-treatment-for-depression/

[TigressDem]

24. You're welcome.

Interesting about the SAINT'S magnetic approach.

I have chronic depression which is typically more low grade so it doesn't devolve as quickly and with medication, I have the brakes available to keep it from going off the cliff. But it's never "gone" really.

The simple explanation I heard is the endorphins allowing us to think and process are worked like a bucket brigade trying to put out a fire.

When a person is manic it's like the whole town is there and the buckets are flying full out and the fire is out and the lake is halfway empty and the main street flooded and still the people are passing the buckets.

When a person is depressed it's like the buckets have holes in them and only part of the water is making it to the end of the thought process and what "sticks" in the bucket is the negative stuff. Fun. As well the lack of general energy means there are less volunteers in the brigade and they are working more slowly. And whatever "FIRE" there is in one's life is still out of control as the skills to deal with it are spilling out of the buckets before they can be applied.

I am an optimistic person because my basic personality was set before depression developed. In my 20's I fought the issues with anger, not wanting to be "like my Mom" who was chronically depressed. When she died (I was 26) the anger left my sails and I needed to find real treatment.

I have had friends who have had really bad reactions to anti-depressants, but mine haven't been horrible. I am on the low level doses though. I did accidentally have an OTC (St John's Wort) that intensified my menstrual cycle to the point where I thought I should get a hysterectomy. (My family has history of issues with fibroids. I didn't know why I was bleeding so badly, but I worried that passing clots the size of a mouse several times a day was a bad symptom.)

Funny thing was that when I took St John's Wort, Wellbutrin and Xoloft together, I had my best experience NOT being depressed for a while. I remember being on a bus going to work and it was like seeing the trees and water for the first time, as if a grey film got lifted from my eyes.

But I don't expect huge things from my meds. I simply want to be able to function and put on the brakes when my thinking starts going down the hill towards bad thoughts.

But I have years of working on tools to keep myself in check mentally and watch for the signs that things are going off track. Like when we drive our cars we automatically do minor corrections and watch for anything around us that is dangerous.

I have friends who think meds are the only answer. They have been very disappointed.

Maybe this treatment might work for them.

I don't know if they would consider me an ideal candidate. It might be worth checking into though.

Thanks.

Tigress

[kozar]

25. We are so sorry

LilBit and I send positive vibes and much love.

Koz

[CountAllVotes]

26. How awful

I agree with others, the health care system really does SUCK.

I'm supposedly having grief counseling right now via hospice.

Its fairly useless.

Its the same questions and answers over and over again.

I had an appt. and no one bothered to call.

I feel like all they care about is how many dollars can they get out of this crappy counseling!

I'm very sorry to read about these losses of such very young people.

I cannot find myself to say "Hang in there". How do you "hang in there" with things like this going on every single day in America and no one seems to give a damn?

I have no advice.

I just hope you can find the strength to go on!

Take care please.