I didn't realize we had a bereavement group

[ellie]

My nephew's wife Lisa killed herself last week. She was 29 and the baby was in the house with her. My nephew was stationed in Kuwait and was not home at the time. We live in Colorado and she was about 40 minutes away from me. We had plans to meet for Easter dinner, Lisa, the baby, me and my husband. When Lisa met my nephew, my sister-in-law (his mom) tried to break them up. She hated Lisa. After they were married, my sister-in-law snooped through their emails and bank accounts. She is the helicopter mom personified. When my nephew went to college, my sister-in-law picked out his major and all of his classes. To get away from her, he joined the military and did multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. After Lisa had the baby, my sister-in-law finally calmed down. However, my nephew wrenched Lisa away from her mom, brothers, and friends in Alabama and brought her out here.

When my nephew found out that he was leaving for Kuwait, I got scared for Lisa. She was too fragile to be alone. I pledged to have her and the baby move in with us, but my nephew said no. As late as 10 days ago, she wanted to go home to visit her mother, but both my nephew and sister-in-law said no. I meant to call her more but I was so busy and sometimes it was hard to talk to her because she was so down, even when my nephew was there.

So now Lisa is gone and I am alternating between rage at my nephew and sister-in-law for not letting her go home and myself for not being a better person and being there for her, and extreme despair that her son is going to grow up without her.

And another thing. Now she is gone, my nephew is home from Kuwait. His parents (my brother and sister-in-law) are there with him. Lisa's mom and brother are there, too. Would it have been so bad to let her go home to see her family? I just don't understand why they wouldn't let her leave. I don't understand how her husband could not have seen how fragile she was.

And they are not having a service or memorial or anything. I am pretty angry at this. Lisa didn't deserve this. She was too nice and too sweet.

I guess I just had to get this out. I know that grieving is a process but it is a damn difficult one.

[orleans]

1. how sad for that poor girl

i'm really sorry to hear about this.
it sounds like she was in a pretty tough situation
it also sounds to me like you *were* there for her especially since you had planned on getting together for easter.

regardless of friendships and shoulders to cry on and someone to lean on and future plans, suicide is a choice people make for themselves (and i can only assume that their pain or hurt just cuts too deep--for whatever the reason).

it's just a very sad situation. and while so often people are left wondering what the hell happened and why it happened it sounds to me like you have a lot of insight into this.

i found this group shortly after i lost my mother nearly 3 and 1/2 years ago although i've been on du since 2004--i never knew this group was here either, until i needed it. and it has been a tremendous help and comfort to me--i check into this group most every day (even if i don't post anything--i still check in because i know there are others here who understand and relate and empathize. what more could i ask for?)

take care, ellie.

[ellie]

2. Thanks Orleans

I wish I could have helped her.

[Mika]

3. I am so sorry.

I'm grieving over a suicide also.
There is a nice post in this forum on the Stages of Grief ... http://www.democraticunderground.com/1234598
Take care.

[ellie]

4. Thank you Mika

[livetohike]

5. I'm so sorry ellie

My sympathy to you and the families and to all who knew Lisa .

Sometimes, we can't fix everything we think we should have fixed....and you will go on second guessing. Please try to think about the things you did do to make Lisa feel welcome.

I'm glad you found the group.