three and a half years

[orleans]

since i have seen my mother
laughed with her
talked face to face with her
looked into her eyes - her eyes - she had green eyes
held her hand
touched her soft hair
heard her footsteps through the living room, in the kitchen
cried with her
conspired with her
sang with her
heard her voice (--actually, i did hear her say my name one night. but just my name, nothing else)
made popcorn for her
asked her to make some coffee for me, for us
told her "goodnight. see you in the morning" which she would repeat back to me and either chuckle or smile because she knew it was my way of getting her to promise she would make it through another night.
three and a half years
and my life, of course, has never been the same
and i have not been the same
i lost so much of myself three and a half years ago
and i have had such a hard time tying to find me again.
she was my best friend all through my life
even through my wicked early teen years
and her wicked mid-life crisis years
we were inseparable
until three and a half years ago.
and it's just so incredible for me to think i have gone this long without her in the day-to-day. i'm growing old without her!
i miss the life i had and the person i was and the happiness i felt about my life.
if she, for a second, thought she was becoming irrelevant she knows better now. if she, for a second, thought she wasn't needed or loved she knows better now. i believe she can still see me and hear me. but i can't see or hear her. i believe she is still with me so often but i still can't see or hear her. sometimes i smell what i remember was some combination of her perfume and powder and i smile and just that fast the scent is gone. i'm so glad to have at least that, but... compared to what we had?

i'm sorry--i'm just feeling so low tonight. and lost. and so sad...

[bravenak]

1. I feel you.

April is for my grandma, the light of my life! I miss her truly.

[auntAgonist]

2. This is always such a double edged sword for me.

I love hearing and reading about the relationships of parents and children. I feel every ounce of pain and agony with your loss. I'm always thankful that people share and find it to be of help.

What I don't like is that you have to go through this.

Please know that you're not alone. Though we be miles apart, I have to believe we have a connection. I too miss my Mum and all we had. Your writing is a wonderful tribute to a life well lived and loved.

I hope you can find some solace in the new day.

I DO believe your Mom knows your love and I think (hope) our Moms can see us everyday.



kesha

[orleans]

3. thanks kesha. i know we share the same boat--missing our mothers

and today was not a good day for me.
(you know sometimes i think i'm doing okay, and then ...i just crash. so today i was crashing on the way to work and on the way home)

this morning my daughter asked me what i wanted for mother's day.
"i want my mom" was my answer. it's true.

so on the way to work, in the car, i said out loud:
"so, mom, what do you want for mother's day?"
and the answer i heard her say in my mind, without missing a beat:
"i just want you to be happy."

omg! i just lost it--of course she wants me to be happy. it sounds like the simplest thing when it's probably the hardest thing in the world for me right now.
i don't know what i was expecting, but i guess i wasn't expecting to hear that. i probably wasn't expecting to hear anything.

and on the way home as i drove through a neighborhood i could smell grills fired up and food cooking and i started thinking of when i used to barbecue and those summer afternoons/evenings with me managing the grill and the food for my mom and daughter. and i miss those days so terribly much, remembering how they felt, how i felt. i used to think "i love my life" -- sometimes i would even say it out loud to myself in the car when i was driving.

and then i start thinking they're gone--those days, those precious years, with my daughter still a kid and growing up and the three of us together--they're gone. and i loved them so much. those days, those times, are gone. so why am i still be here? (i know it sounds so dumb--but, like i said, i was crashing)

i'd do it all again in a heartbeat--all the years, the bitter with the sweet--i wouldn't change a thing. except to give my mom ten more years of health. (and in turn, give me ten more years with her)

...what a day...