Help!

[Punkingal]

My mother-in-law is home under hospice care. My sister-in-law, her daughter, my husband and I are caring for her. My father-in-law won't let her rest, he is constantly patting her, crying in her face, talking to her when she just needs to rest when she can. She gets very agitated when he is doing this. He is 90, she is 89, they have been married for 67 years and it feels unkind to say this, but he won't let her go in peace, and it is driving us all nuts but when we try to get him to leave her alone, he yells and creates a scene right by her bed.

Is there anyone who has experienced something like this? What is the right thing to do?

[vanlassie]

1. Very hard. One thought. Is there a chance that playing some

Music she might have liked would help him stay calm? Or if someone could read to her, and he listen?

[DeadLetterOffice]

2. She's on Hospice care, so --

Call your hospice nurse first thing Monday morning, explain the situation, and request an emergency social work visit. Seriously, get the social worker in ASAP. This kind of situation is why we exist. He's not going to listen to you all apparently, and you don't want to have to be in the position of being the bad guy.

The social worker may not be able to "fix" it -- we don't actually have magic wands, mores the pity -- but she (or he) will give it a damn good shot. Most likely by giving your FIL a non-family place to vent out all the grief and loneliness. And then she will gently and kindly work on getting him to give your MIL some down time.

I'm so sorry your family is going through this. Use your Hospice team as a resource as much as you need to -- it's what they're there for.



ETA: There is no "right" thing to do in these situations. Get that idea straight out of your head. We all do the best we can and that's all anyone else is allowed to ask or expect. Don't torture yourself thinking you have to get it "right."

[Punkingal]

3. Thank you...

We will do this first thing.

[orleans]

4. hope everything is going better for everyone

did you contact a hospice worker? i'm wondering what they suggested.

[Punkingal]

5. Yes, we contacted them.

The chaplain, the social worker, and the nurse all came and talked to my father-in-law and it helped. He told her it was okay to go, and she passed on November 11. He is doing very well. Much better than we expected. Hospice is going to help with grief counseling, too. They were wonderful! I can't say enough about how great they were.

[orleans]

6. i'm glad the hospice workers were able to help

sometimes telling someone we love that it's okay to let go is the hardest thing we can say--because we want them to stay with us forever.

and when the end is nearing, in spite of it being the hardest thing to say, it may also be the kindest. simply because the end is coming whether we want it to or not.

saying that to my mom was the hardest thing i ever said. and reassuring her that i meant it was even harder. and that meant that i had to convince myself first that it was okay because i didn't want one of the last conversations with her consisting of me lying to her.

it's so hard to say goodbye for now.

my condolences to you, your father-in-law, and to your family.

i'm sure the grief counseling will benefit everyone.

take care.