How do you manage to get enough "alone time" in a relationship?

[dixiegrrrrl]

us introverts DO manage to have relationships, yes indeed.
What works for you in terms of getting enough solitude/distance/privacy, etc?

or
what is not working?
How do/can you balance the sharing-togetherness glue of a relationship with the vitally needed space and alone time?


I am lucky in that Mr. dixie and I both seem to need the same balance, which is to say that we spend most of the day apart from each other, much as we did when we were both working outside the home, but the fears of retirement being too confining never materialized, since we actually found a house that allows for "half mine, half yours" space!Close enough to holler if we need each other, far enough apart that our music and movies and putter time is not distrubed.

[cbayer]

1. Great question.

I share a very small space (43 foot boat) with my husband. We both work from home, but have found some good ways to do this.

I need a significant amount of alone time, and he doesn't mind.

We each have spaces that are pretty much ours. We don't interact very much during the day and he does go to shore at least once a day and visits friends wherever we are.

In the evening, we share dinner and spend the rest of the evening doing something together - watch a movie, play cards or just talk.

People are amazed at how we manage in such a small space, but we do.

It helps that we really like each other.

P.S. I just realized that this is the loners group. I would have never pegged you for a loner.

[dixiegrrrrl]

2. I think we have kinda been focusing on "loners" more

as people along the whole spectrum of defining "loner".

In my working life, I used to give lectures to hundreds of people at a time, work with groups every day, spend hours in meetings and surrounded by staff.
In my non-working life, I preferred to be alone, every weekend when I could.
and in retirement, I fill the car up every 3 months...never go anywhere if I can help it.
We arranged our retirement so we can stay home all the time, which is where we are happiest, and find prolonged people contact uncomfortable.
Of course, on DU and the web, we all have a choice of how much interaction, when , we want. that suits me fine.

Where is your boat, if I may ask?
I think the idea of living on a boat has crossed a lot of people's mind at least once.

[cbayer]

3. My story is essentially the same as you.

I was surrounded by people up to 16 hours a day, 5 - 7 days a week. And I was in charge most of the time, so could not choose to not interact.

The boat has been my salvation, as I get to choose when to interact (which is not that often, but I really enjoy it when I do).

My boat is not in one location. We move around alot off the coast of Southern California. It's great, because if drama (or boredom or weather) kicks in, we just move. It's a great way to live. We are off the grid, very self sufficient and blissfully happy.

[dixiegrrrrl]

4. Sounds great.

Really like the way you managed to get space needs met in a such a small....well, space.
Quite a challenge.

there are days when not having 2 acres of land and garden and chickens and pets would be bliss.

[cbayer]

5. Things I miss

A garden. I do grow tomatoes and basil in the summer, but I used to have a huge garden.

A bathtub.

Ability to entertain more than 4 people at a time (though this, I must admit, I have mixed feelings about).

I do not miss pets... at all.

[AndyTiedye]

6. Different Sleep Cycles

[dixiegrrrrl]

7. I understand that.

My job was on a 1 to 9 pm schedule, his was 9 to 5.....we talked a lot by email.
13 years on, I think having that much distance between us is what keeps us together...if that makes sense.

[AndyTiedye]

8. 39 Years for Us

[no_hypocrisy]

9. Easy. We live in two different places.

I think it was Katharine Hepburn who quipped that men and women shouldn't live together, but have houses next to each other, and visit often.

[MadrasT]

10. My husband and I lived in different houses for 13 years.

It was great. We could not live under the same roof.

[dixiegrrrrl]

11. "was great".....hmm..I am curious now

Did the arrangement eventually change??

[MadrasT]

13. Life circumstances caused him to choose to move into my house.

Against my wishes and without my consent.

I wasn't happy about that and it did not end well.

We eventually got divorced and were still friends. (He has passed away, hence past tense "were still friends".)

[no_hypocrisy]

12. One better: my parents for the last 2 decades of their marriage

lived in different homes in adjoining states.

[MadrasT]

14. Sounds pretty good to me.

Honestly, a lot of people were very envious of our arrangement and told us so. (We were in adjoining counties in the same state.)



Different strokes and all that.

[no_hypocrisy]

15. You have bragging rights for an "enduring" marriage with no divorce too.

Honestly my parents got along much better once they got this arrangement.

Matter of fact it worked very well for Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt. They had adjoining properties in Dutchess County. You should tour her house, Valkill. Very very cool.

[dixiegrrrrl]

16. Mr. dixie has a friend with a similar, 20 + year marriage.

He is in cal and she is in ariz.
They visit back and forth for various lengths of stays.

[FLyellowdog]

17. We too.

Though it took some getting used to since my husband was the one who first decided to move out (on?)...retired and went to a new job in another state. His first scenario was that he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to live with me. However, after a few months of really trying to figure out what had happened, he agreed that he did (does) still love me but prefers to live alone, at least right now. So I dealt with it the best I could and actually it's a pretty nice situation.

He calls every day and we visit every couple of months or so and those times are really SPECTACULAR. Yes, I do get lonesome sometimes though less and less as time goes on. I do know that I'd rather have a part of him than none at all. He's a good man, and I think, basically, I'm a good woman. We have history together and I can't imagine my life without him in some way.

We'll celebrate 45 years of marriage in December...so it's working for us.

I'm glad to see that others have the same kind of arrangement. I thought we were just strange.

[MadrasT]

22. Sounds like y'all made the best of it.

That is very similar to how my situation evolved. It worked great for us for a very long time.

[Alduin]

18. I'm an introvert and my girlfriend is an extrovert.

Our relationship works, but she understands I need my alone time. I had my desk out in the living room where the tv is, but she sits out there a lot. I felt like I wasn't getting time to unwind, so I moved it into our bedroom.

Now, when she's watching tv, I sit in the room and use my computer or whatever to de-stress while she's out in the livingroom. It's okay, but I feel like I kind of need my own room.

[dixiegrrrrl]

19. For along time it was hard for me to get as much space as I needed.

Esp. in relationships when I was younger, since the societal "norm" was the people "should" want to be together a LOT.
No small wonder I felt stressed in relationships and not stressed when I was living alone.
Fortunately, with age comes wisdom.

Sounds like you and she both know which type you are and how to get your needs met.

[Alduin]

20. Yeah.

But she loves to go out to dance and socialize and I prefer to stay inside and read a good book or play video games. It's stressful because she usually gets her own way so I go out. I hate it. I have to spend hours de-stressing after that because it's so stressful for me.

[dixiegrrrrl]

21. It is SO hard for people to understand an introvert's needs, isn't it?

It is so hard for US to recognize our needs, actually, and to be able to express them to others.

Maybe this is a time to lovingly "educate"your Sig. Other? Lots of material available, plus this thread.