im doomed

[undergroundpanther]

going to lose the only safe place I have managed to have on this planet of horror.
I met with my mom sisters and therapist today at noon.My sisters were lying about me,saying I hit my mom which was not done,and they were so smug,manipulating and just slimy. I tried my best not to freak,but dammit the lying and accusing didit,they never want to listen and I was trying to explain why my life is stunted,growing up in mental hospitals,I have a steep learning curve to be 'normal' etc.ect. they have no sense of compassion,and after I tried to tell them why I was so scared, they lied and lied twisted my heart up and it felt like being shot by 1000 arrows.

I freaked,and left the room with my therapist.Went into another small room. my therapist talked to me, helped me to ground I am still so scared,my family all they care about is control control and money the games they play,crazymaking that hurts,I swear If they force me anymore I don't know if I can take it. I just want a safe place(like here) and to push my toxic sisters out of my life forever.

There is no safe place for me in this evil vicious psychopath filled world.I have tried and tried to find one. Now that I have they want to take it away! During the meeting my sisters were rolling their eyes and telling me to be quiet, they did not care or listen to what I had to say, they constantly interrupted me,talked over me,like I had no right or say in my own future! The arrogance and hypocraisy,I HATE my family they make me crazy.
At least my therapist knew they lied and were being cruel to me,she saw it..

I hope death comes to take me sooner rather than later,I dunno how much more pain and assholinessI can take and survive,my life has been one trauma after another. My therapist gave me a cute little stuffed platypus,since I was switching like hell,I got home and was hearing people banging the door,the house,I was scared it was them. I'm so tired but I can't rest. The vilagence I can't turn it off. My body is so hot. I keep replaying the future,and it's terrifying..I was almost raped in group homes,staff were perverts,other residents tried to rape,and my sisters don't listen to Why I am terrified, of going to group homes they want me to go back to a group home.I kept hearing those bangs on the door windows while so tired,trying to sleep it scared me over and over like a trigger.My sisters they have been coming in here to 'check'when I am not here they admitted that in the meeting.I don't write a journal; because of this invasiveness of the family..If I can't sleep by tomorrow I may ask to go inpatient.I bounce between being numb,wanting to die,wanting to cut and wanting to just flee ,so tired but I have nowhere to run to. I hate life. thank you guys for listening even if I'm sounding weird right now thanks.

[NYC_SKP]

1. Don't be afraid....

Don't be afraid to go inpatient if it's unbearable where you are.

And I think, for the moment, that it's good to express yourself here, but don't isolate if there are options.

[Ilsa]

2. Please, please hang on...

My head isn't clear enough to say much except please don't do anything permanent to yourself. Call for help, 911, or a suicide hotline if you need to talk to someone right away.
I'm so sorry things have been so difficult for you.

[undergroundpanther]

4. Thank you

I just wish I had enough money to buy this place away from my family and forbid them access.
My therapist told me to call the police,if they cam over here,and adult protective services when they try again to force me out with nowhere to go.

[Betsy Ross]

3. Hope your therapist can help you. Call her if you need to.

So sorry you are having such a rough time. Things will get better. This support group is here so we can keep reminding each other of that.

[one_voice]

5. I do not know your...

'back story' nor do I want you to have to go into that right now with all that you're dealing with.

Please stay in touch with your therapist, from what you've written it sounds as thought s/he knows you're pretty well upset, maybe a phone call to him/her would be helpful.

Do what you need to do to hang on. Talk to us, talk to your therapist, but don't give up.

There has to be at least one thing that brings you comfort/calms you, whatever it is, do it. Take care of you!

[sigmasix]

6. you are unique and infinitely valuable

This universe is mind-boggelingly huge and it contains an uncountable number of discrete objects. The vast majority (99.99999999999) of those discrete objects are non-conscious constructions of matter. There is a vanishingly tiny amount of objects within the known universe that are concious. The mathematic chance of being one of those concious objects is so small that, as far as percentiles are concerned, it is nearly impossible.
But here you are! A living, breathing infinitely unique being with more worth than all of the amassed fortunes of mankind through-out history. You are so special that your existence is nearly impossible. There has never been one of you before and there will never be another one again- your worth is beyond priceless.
I hope that you are able to carry your bravery forward and face each new day with the fortitude and strength you are capable of. No one can reduce your unique existence and infinite worth. Please continue the fight~ you are more than worth it.

[In_The_Wind]

7. Let your therapist continue to help you.

[Voice for Peace]

8. there is a safe place, but it's not outside of us, it's inside, it's our fundamental core

and no matter how damaged you are, it is still there, intact.

There is a part of us that this world, its dangers and dramas
and cruelties, can not touch.

All the healing I have been able to do is because of that
place inside of me -- and the help I've gotten to be able
to keep coming back.

As long as there is breath coming in and out of you there
is hope for peace and beauty in your life. It's not entirely
in our control, luckily. It's there whether we pay attention
or not.

Although likely every part of your mind may be saying
that life is shit, and hopeless, there's another message
and it's not coming from the outside. It's so quiet, it is
such a gentle voice but it is inside of you.

Try to turn down the volume of your thoughts, and listen
to this quiet voice, it is your own heart. And it is so powerful.

It has been said that while we think we are yearning
for peace, it is peace who is yearning for us.

Don't buy into the negative, it is all lies. Be kind to
yourself. Ignore the rest.

[UtahLib]

9. Beautiful concept

Meditation, which enables one to commune with ones' inner self, can be a most wonderfully calming and healing process.

[undergroundpanther]

19. It says life is cruel

It says my life has been stolen, it says the world is senselessly evil and everything good about it gets wounded preyed upon exploited,used abused. Look at the world that's what it does.I can't pretend this is good because it isn't. I get sick I must kill millions of living things(bacteria) to stop the torture of their lives in my body.


You get born you must eat so animals die,they loose their young to sustain you, plants die or lose their young to sustain you, then you die,and you get burned up or pumped full of formaldehyde and put in a steel box so your body won't help anything else live.You are born dying and you are aware you will die you have no control over how or when. Talk about a sadistic situation. In some cases if you have kids,they will in turn cause death and suffering just by existing,then they either have kids to keep the sad cycle life-suffering-death going another generation.

Your siblings however if they have kids your family might remain, to keep the sad cycle going but the only way to stop another branch of the suffering that life requires to live (and die anyway)is to say the birth cycle ends with me and to not have kids.I will not force an innocent free spirit to go through the horror of birth live here in a slowly dying decaying body in a war with every other living thing to survive and die anyway.. I cannot my conscience forbids it.I made the decision to be child free when I was in 1st grade.

I can't praise life as good because it is life that causes such suffering to itself and others that want to live too, to live just to die anyway or worse perpetuate this crime called life. Life kills.We all know this but cannot hope to control it.

If life isn't balanced by death life kills itself anyway.Just look at how things really ARE,

My quiet voice is always mourning,every roadkill. Every bit of beauty fades, lost forgotten,love grows stale and cold,everything everything dies.Everything that lives murders to live. The minute we live we are dying,even in the womb. Mom innocently eats the baby within might suffer from the food,the mother is stressed the baby learns stress even before he takes his first breath.

Why?

Life is traumatic. Our survival brains hardwired to have bad memories seared into it,while good memories carry no such power in memory,our brains reward us for stepping upon others hearts chemically to be dominant, to rule over,yet some know this is wrong,those who do not win. We sometimes do the shit biologically programmed to reward us that recreate trauma. People&kids are scapegoated,even worse you don't lie you are HATED.One must suffer so another does not suffer as much,that is nature's law. And being biological creatures we are not exempt from nature's laws on it's planet. I don't lie,nature is bloody in tooth and claw mankind is a planet killer and abuse keeps our society in this top down pattern everyone is terrified to do without.

We play games,we have emotions we cannot handle,we punish others for it,and are born addicts(via chemical brain rewards) that shape our behavior and personalities in a culture that perpetuates addiction for profit by abusing and using life,just like life abuses and murders life to die anyway even self aware knowing it will die. Once in awhile a small kindness touches us,or beauty..but most of the time it's life as is.

It makes my very soul cry out at the sickness the sadness,the futility...as I wait to die anyway,knowing everything I ever loved will die and go away too like I will one day.

Even the pyramids will one day, become sand, never mind the toil of all those workers trying to stop the suffering in life to stop the death in life in a hope of somewhere beyond through exalting their Pharaoh's life of luxury and power. The Pharaoh died,the workers,their kids,all dead, one day all to sand,regardless of the care they get now in museums and the archaeologists,if the rich of today are allowed through corporations to consume the world what will it matter the memories of ages ago, when survival calls and the futility forgotten as death and life perpetuate trauma upon consciousness.?

I can have a postage stamp of happiness and peace I make up in my imagination,to run to. Hell I have whole planets in my mind holodecks for my mind's minds to imagine how to escape pain others caused me so they could survive, my minds minds can escape my minds in minds,but all my efforts will go for naught on my last breath.All I can share is words that can never express what I am what I feel and know with any true accuracy in you. Every word wrote or spoken will have to be screened by your unconsciouses before it resonates or not. You will either empathize or not,I have no control over what you think feel or do with my words.You could fashion them into a weapon of humiliation to wound me with if you feel threatened by them, or it could cause you pain, or not.

That is the reality of what life IS.


Life is a crime against consciousness.

[Voice for Peace]

22. Death is part of life, that's how it is. We may not like it but

people and the myriad creatures have been doing it for a long
long time. We are dust to dust, and that's how it is, and
can't be changed. It is not terrible.

Pain is real. Your pain is clearly deep and agonizing, and I
do empathize because I have lived much of my life on the
edge of madness, peering into death, and believing in
almighty hopelessness. The pain which hurts so much
that you turn off all feeling. Hope seems like a joke
and so does the occasional happy moment, a cruel joke,
because what I'm used to is pain, that's what's familiar.

I'm not there any more, it's been a long hard climb.

There is beauty everywhere, and hope as well.
There is a ton of shitty stuff but that is NOT courtesy
of Life -- it is courtesy of human beings.

Life does stuff like turn dirt into fragrant colorful
flowers, or food, or living breathing walking creatures.

Life makes winds blow and cells dance and hearts
beat. Life recycles it all, including us, in a never-
ending cycle of compost here on earth. One day it
may all be ruined, or one day it may all be restored,
we don't know. There are millions of good people
on the planet who care and work hard to make it
good, to help. We are on that team.

If you give all of your attention to the miseries of the world,
it will fill your vision, like a swarm of enormous bugs on a
windshield. You won't be able to see anything else.

You and I have a choice about this.

If I want darkness and misery, that's what I will nourish in me.
If I want to feel suicidal and hopeless, that's what I will nurture.

Here's how:
All of my thoughts will be spent on thinking about the miserable stuff.
I will read and or watch only miserable bad news from every possible source.
I will reinforce the badness by thinking about it over and over.
The more I do, the worse I will feel, which will only prove me right.
I will let everyone else know how crappy everything is,
and reinforce my belief that this is the truth.
Whenever I do something good, or feel good, I will remind myself
that I am bad, or that happiness is false and fleeting. I
will reject hopeful thoughts and feelings, even if
they are coming from my own heart.

You're here at DU, I am guessing, because you wish for a better world.
But you must be part of it. We can't afford to lose any
of us to hopelessness. Keep some hope alive for the team.

[undergroundpanther]

23. I know death is part of life it is not terrible

But trauma IS. Some is preventable but there is no political will to care and no way to make the less traumatized and comfortable see that thier greed traumatizes others because thier brain rewards them for the greed.


Right now I have a tooth half disintigrating because it broke,I need to rip it out (non-preventable trauma) but can't afford it because all the traumas in my life make it so I can't work to afford the fees dentists charge now that MA no longer covers tooth pulls.(preventable trauma on top of un-preventable trauma.

Going to a dentist would solve 2 traumas ,but going to the dentist triggers me,creating more trauma.So I'll have nightmares and flashbacks to deal with.

Because the house will be sold from under me,I am scared to ask my family for help for ANYTHING. As they do not care and want me gone. Likewise last week the heater element in the dryer went up,and my fridge is on it's last legs,not my fault both are over 40 years old.

Again I am scared to ask for any help from family,plus if it's house related they might throw me out faster. Of course the state has cut all section 8 to the bone the wait list is 8 years or more and you cannot go to other counties anymore.

Group homes are dangerous been there done that do not want to do it again.
Add in I might have tio give up my cats and my snake who are my sanity the only love I can count on in this world.

So on top of the traumas of the meeting:
My tooth is disintegrating,
my fridge is dying,
my dryer heat element or controller or both is gone,
my back is in pain I've learned to live with it,hurts,and it is a degenerative process
food is getting very expensive and living on 700 dollars and some change is NOT easy.
I have various health problems and the meds cost,I am transgender so I face bigots regarding that,
and I am so very lonely and know my chances of finding love are nil.
I am fat hate being fat but my back and the sheer exhaustion is alot to overcome to run on a machine like a chubby gerbil or pointlessly walk around.I eat healthy as I can afford but it seems pointless my endro has no idea why I am heavy.
add on...
the emotional pain
Especially when your mom unwilling to accept that mental hospitals do not teach you how to separate a manipulating asshole from a decent person, and most of my life has been in those places,that learning to live "on the outside" has a learning curve.
A learning curve that my family went through at the proper age people learn this, that I now in my 40's are learning.

My family does not care they want the money. I am the family poison container they made me the crazy so my sisters could be the golden children,
Never mind I have lived here 15 years here and took care of this place for 10, and learned to live here built a life here,got good treatment here,after being traumatized by another treatment center out here and a new ager shrink, and finally finding somewhere that helps me all that does not mean shit to my greedy narcissistic sisters. Never mind I am smarter than both of them combined I never got to learn a skill or degree even when I asked and had everything they needed at their fingertips I was not worthy to learn it to them,I learned alot on my own tho. My dreams are impossible they are always deferred because everyone else in my family is worth more than I am apparently in their evil little heads.God forbid I talk during a family gathering been sshushed all my life never allowed to finish a thought,regardless of the beatings and humiliations sexual abuse etc. and the school bullies and no safe place to sleep.

Nevermind that I want a life of my own,to live UNSUPERVIZED gawd forbid,,and to stay where I am treatment wise and keep the best therapist I have EVER had.

All this is happening while I feel sorrow over the road kills I walk past,the sadness at watching a forest torn apart, for what a new wal mart because the one half a mile away isn't BIG enough to suit wal mart. WTF.All this while I see the weather growing stranger,and only saw 1 honeybee I rescued from being trapped in my front door that was acting strange this year,saw none last year,and the country slowly looks more and more like a police state and mental health funds are cut and cut and services for the poor like me dry up.

My mind will not let me find peace. That is what happens to a brain that is severely and repeatedly traumatized. It's like dealing with the fear after a car crash,but not just that, it's dealing with a car crash every week, that never stops.You kinda lose that inner peace after so many rapes and attempts, next door pedophile, family abuse,church abuse,institutional abuse and bad people around you and no place to escape them even for a moment,it kills your inner peace.

When you lived in fear of being forcefully relocated over and over and it's going to happen AGAIN
When you have things you love dearly taken away over and over and a family that tells you you are worthless day after day and bullies everywhere, in school in programs,at home..

Because right when I begin to figure out how to handle my life, again and again shit falls apart and circumstances or people take it away,whether it's the house sold from under me, forced discharge, forced to another hospital, new therapist school, home etc. it is too much for me to juggle at once,add on the pain my family dumped on me it's too much.I'm not this pillar of strength,I have wounds weaknesses and I can't cope all the time.

I have no idea what will happen once I am displaced from here.My mom cannot protect me from my sisters. I cannot protect myself from the street. I have no future. and my fucking tooth hurts. Traumas on top of traumas,that is my life and to sit there and say listen to the core of your being when I don't even know if I have one anymore and my therapist is just beginning to help heal me and we have no idea hgow deep the rabbit hole of multiples inside goes , I'm sorry stuff like look at pretty things and think happy thoughts or listen to that inn er voice(which one) right now is insulting.

Life is death,that's ok,My problem is with the constant TRAUMA in between birth and death that makes me want to die.

[olddots]

10. don't know if anyone in this group is a therapist

but you got us and we got you plus we the know from first hand knowledge about this vile crappy stuff .you are not a cliché or a statistic

death could really suck worse than life -its a romantic mystery from a movie that isn't real.

We need you in this group . alive .

[Voice for Peace]

11. "death could really suck worse than life"

Yeah.. we just don't know. I have a feeling it's not a good solution.

Often with depression and ptsd there is a persistent and
overwhelming desire to sleep. I used to fight this, as a sign of
something wrong with me, this utter exhaustion of body mind
and spirit that made me want oblivion.

Not accepting that sleep was what I needed, I longed for
death.

A friend who survived profound and violent abuse said
to me one day "maybe you need to sleep."
I needed to sleep, and to stop judging myself.

We pay too much attention to all the inherited voices
in our heads, and not enough to the innate, built-in
self. This includes our simplest survival urges, our most
childlike needs (which for most of us weren't met).

It includes the urge to sleep, it includes the urge
for water and food. Our bodies alone can give us
so much information for our healing.

When we lose touch with our ability to feel,
we go insane, or die, or become dangerous to
ourselves or others.

[In_The_Wind]

12. "When we lose touch with our ability to feel, we go insane,"

or become dangerous to ourselves or others.

I believe that to be true.

[undergroundpanther]

15. I don't lose the ability to feel

I just wish I didn't feel so much. Sometimes my body loses feeling,or I feel like I'm outside the body,or that the body isn't alive stuff like that.But have never lost the ability to feel,I feel alot,often too much.Can't put it into words. i am sensing everything and my system is always on overload. I care a hell of alot, my life is one big Why? having , intelligence high sensitivity and c-ptsd and did,depression adhd and synesathsia it is like hell is in my head. I don't even remember what it was like to feel at rest.

[Voice for Peace]

24. you lost the ability to feel happiness. rather, you misplaced it. it can be revived.

[Voice for Peace]

17. the ability to feel includes our sense of touch, which is both internal and external

This is a machine, this body, designed for feeling.

Without the ability to feel, we can't feel our wounds.
It's a survival instinct -- to learn not to feel --
for a threatened creature.

Threatened too often, the creature learns not to
feel, and eventually forgets how -- becoming
hostile and unhealthy, depressed, and/or more.

If we can't feel, we don't know to drink water,
or not to touch a hot fire.

If we can't feel, we can't discern hot and cold, or
feel our stomachs grumbling for food.

If we can't feel, we don't know when to sleep, or
what to eat, or how to do pretty much anything,
unless someone has programmed our brains for
us.

Human beings are meant to feel -- from the tips of
our fingers and toes, all the way into our insides,
every square inch of skin, our organs, the beating
heart, the breath, the swallow, the food moving
down the esophagus. And deep into our emotional
body, the psychic body, the subtle body, where our
emotions rush and swirl, and trigger all sorts of
chemical reactions, and we can feel these chemicals
which are our emotions not in our minds but in our
bodies, and they can instruct us. And our beautiful
breath and beating heart can ground us in their
rhythms. and they do, if we give them a chance.

We have feelers. We are feeling creatures.
Thinking creatures, yes, but foremost designed
to feel, in nearly every particle of our being.

[undergroundpanther]

13. Sleep is all I have been doing.

I just got up ate some leftover alfredo, drank, water and cranberry juice.I want to sleep until the long lonely weekend is over on tuesday which feels like a million years from now. Got up because the cats kept bugging me,bed was soaked with sweat ,I don't remember the dreams.A thunderstorm is coming maybe it'll help me feel better storms sometimes do. I feel like I'm already dead.

[Voice for Peace]

14. you are not dead. you are dormant.

Though it feels like deadness, it's temporary.

If it passes, even for a fraction of a second,
pay attention. Something in us does not want to
die, no matter what.

[undergroundpanther]

16. I tried to kill myself before

Each time no matter how carefully planned,it fucked up. I tried 25 times.Each I failed. So,I have given up trying. But it does not make wishing for death go away.I just know I'll fail again if I tried. Why I dunno but fuck it.
That's why I say I hope death takes me sooner rather than later.

[Voice for Peace]

18. I met a guy who kept trying to kill himself

and I think he was very serious about it because
he shot himself in the head. But after he survived
with just a ringing in his ear he decided to try
and live.

Do give up on suicide. Try something else, not
life threatening.

[undergroundpanther]

21. Believe

I have tried as much as I can find.

I wrote you another post,I know I'll get my time to die.
Eventually when my body gives out,or some virus or bacteria or other living thing conquers my body and kills it,or nature does it with circumstances,or people do it.

I am just weary.The pain. No where is safe.That is reality. No person is safe really for it too wants to survive and avoid trauma like everything else that lives..My imagination gets interrupted by the scars in my brain screaming,the peace is interrupted by the wounds others inflicted to me to survive to get the chemical brain fix or power trip or objects they think they must acquire they think they require to avoid pain like every living being does while alive. Why pretend?

Pretend is all I got and it is a lie.My ethical sense is all I got to control,even though in reality it causes me pain to have it,but it is all I got, but even that is imperfect. I need to feel peace, love, a sense of well being but my brain will not release those chemicals.Forcing it to is addiction. lying it into doing that is fighting against survival,which is also why it's so hard to kill yourself.

I ask myself what holds the molecules of my body in this form?
Why? What keeps my consciousnesses trapped in this living/dead thing? Forcing me to survive here?
Why must I fight others who want to live without trauma too and feel so bad so much of the time, brain causing chemical torture,to live and die one day that I will never know from a reason I can never guess? And never know if I come back here,fade away or go to live in my imagination(heavens)

why

Why can't I just go away the molecule pattern dissolve my brain just disintegrate by my will and my consciousnesses live in imagination,where things are so much better? Why Can't I make what I imagine happen,and go away from the pain by brain makes from it's wounds and go live there?

What forces me to be here to suffer and dream of worlds without trauma?
Places of beauty love and adventure I can make almost real enough to walk right into it.
But that can never actualize into a refuge from suffering for me?
Why?

[In_The_Wind]

25. When we ask Why, there is only one answer ... learning to love ourself is the reason.

Accept that:
You Have Done Nothing Wrong!
Other people you have known have hurt you.
You did not deserve to be treated the way that you were.
You deserve better. Start by being good to yourself.
Believe that you are special to many of us here at DU.
I do care about you undergroundpanther.

[Newest Reality]

26. Your courage to

articulate and share your experience is much appreciated. You have a capacity to express yourself well and there seem to be potential insights and seeds contained within.

You may realize that, even if you are feeling isolated, you are not at all alone in your suffering. It seems you might be expending much energy on railing against it when, in one way or another, and no matter how some people are capable of running a good facade about it, the way we are conditioned, (one way or another) reveals that living is about problems, dissatisfaction, pain and suffering. That is something we all share in varying degrees.

I wish that you will keep writing and observing your own states with, at least, an open mind to what is processing and how it functions. If you are idealistic, perhaps consider relaxing them and consider the comparisons made as extremes interacting. I know that having a concept or picture that is so wonderful, and then comparing it to the stark realities of what is going on really can stir a lot of emotional energy up and that can stimulate the tapes of traumas which, once triggered, do seem like they are on auto-pilot. That's where you come in.

Can you pause for just a few moments, from time to time, when you remember and simply let go and let things be just as they are as if you could just let them go without comparison? We're talking only a few moments of relaxed, peaceful nothing; not thinking or trying or worrying. If this is something you can do for yourself, you may find that first, it will bring almost a polarized contrast to the hellish experiences you've been experiencing, but the benefit is that you have something that is not an opposite or desired thing or situation to come to relax fully into.

Stay where you are and do nothing but relax when you remember to. No need to make it a must or a should at all.

One last thing: Asking why has proven to have very little use to me. Oh, when I want to know why the car stopped running, I will ask why. I have to find out what to do to make it run again. One "why" to ask is why you think that finding out causes and reasons will actually change the situation or even make it better or more tolerable. One can get stuck in a world of "whys" that, you may have noticed, do not resolve. The way to resolve them can be to let that form of questioning go; maybe shifting to "how" can be more useful so that you can find the peace and resolve that matters more than the day-to-day whirl of energy that we interpret from the map we have.

Rest assured that hell worlds are not permanent, though part of the hell is that they do feel tangibly like forever sometimes. What can be useful is to remember that you are not a frozen thing. We are all actually a dynamic process and have been all along. Rather than a statue of an ego that formed from all that conditioning, (that continues to function by captivating your emotions with reactivity) The resolution is within you, as has been said.

Can you get a sense of yourself as a flowing river of experiences, even in the midst of this crises and with those memories you want to also resolve and flow rather than block and damn? If your river has been flowing through dark jungles, it will eventually flow out of them and you might find that you don't need to cling to the rocks so hard when the beauty of the ocean you came from as rain awaits.

Maybe you could share some of the things you have enjoyed, (if that does not feel uncomfortable) through the long and difficult journey you have had? Also, what simple things or changes do you think might make it easier for you to relax and flow and let go in a way that brings deep relief and a resolution that allows new states and perspectives?

I'm not writing this response from a lofty place that is distant from your experience. I'm sharing my perspective from quite a difficult, tumultuous and traumatic journey and circumstance as well. Again, relax deeply once in a while, only when you can and notice what is with a clear awareness.

Good fortune!