The Friendzone

[kjones]

8. This is something that has recently resurfaced in my life.

There a girl, a very good friend, that I have had feelings for for a very long time.
Throughout the years (since my first awkward attempts at changing the
relationship) things have varied. It is quite painful, honestly, since my feelings
don't seem to dissipate at all (why would they?), and throughout the years,
she's moved from relationship to relationship, finding none of them satisfactory.
Being a close friend and confidant, I suppose, I hear about these things, and
occasionally, I'm really hurt to hear her desires for traits in people, which I feel
at least, I certainly have. It's simply painful to walk that line....to still have feelings
but to still want to stick around as a friend. I'm one of the closest people to her,
and yet, we can't get any closer. I think, last time (quite recently) such topics came
up (both of us drinking, chatting on the phone....always an interesting conversation),
I reaffirmed my feelings, and she lightly (relatively gently) brushed them off...as one
would expect of something uncomfortable (and it is). So I made sure to tell her that
I hoped and wanted to be there, in whatever form, as long as I could be. Of course,
that I wished for her happiness and that, if I had my way, I would either be there
for her all the time (in a relationship) or she would find someone great to fill that role,
and I would be obsolete (as a confidant...close friend, whatever). That I would be
OK with that, as long as she could sort her life out and find some happiness for once
(she tends to be a pretty sad person, and not necessarily without reason. complicated
stories...)

In fact, we had a discussion not several hours ago about rejection. What, with my
being a connoisseur of rejection, I told her how men tend to have a complicated
relationship with rejection.

I'm in the friendzone. It's not that I'm happy with that, so much as I am happy that
we are still on good terms, quite good.

I don't think of the term having anything to do with promiscuity or such. It's an unrequited
love that doesn't destroy the relationship.
Honestly, in my case, I almost did let it destroy things. I was so hurt I withdrew for a while
from the friendship. Very glad I didn't though.

I'm not some kind of "knight" or something about these things. When it comes to her relationships,
my jealousy could probably be measured in megatons...but so long as she's happy. I'd rather have
that friendship and the pain that comes with it rather than nothing.