I will never be an elder-caregiver again.

[calimary]

83. The title of your post says it all, Easterncedar.

Be very kind to yourself. You, and our Ilsa, too.

You’ve been through so much. It’s depleting. It’s depleting of your energy, your fortitude, your patience, and your sense of self. When you focus all your attention and effort on someone else’s needs, especially needs as grave as in this case, there’s a huge cost. It leaves you feeling emptied out. Like you’ve given your all and there’s nothing left to sustain YOU.

Ilsa, you need time. YOU need time. Time to heal and restore. YOU need recovery time. You need time, sleep, relaxation, good food, treats, rest, and self-care. You need walks in nature. Good books. Good mindless TV. The History channel’s “Universe” series can REALLY take you away, past Earth orbit, past Galileo and other ancient thinkers and discoverers. You need friends and pets if you have ‘em, pals to walk with, have hot tea or cocoa or great coffee in some gossipy little coffee place with an atmosphere of congeniality. You need friends and crafts and play and release. You need friends to walk with and stretch with and get a massage with and maybe do meditations with. You need chocolate and

You need to be good and kind and gentle and loving TO YOURSELF. Maybe a pet if you don’t have one already? Maybe a getaway for a change of scenery and/or routine? What will feed your spirit? What sounds like it might be healing for you? Someone familiar and trusted who you feel comfortable with, who you can talk to? There are groups that collect around shared mourning, loss, pain, fading health. And many of them don’t require any entry fee.

What do YOU want to do now? Maybe make a list? List some practical ideas and some totally silly or outrageous or improbable. Churches have groups like that, including the more or less nondenominational ones.

Be with people, or spend time in solo reassessment. Do what’s going to feed and refill and restore. And try not to have any preconceptions about how long it’s going to take. Do not burden yourself with any “should’s” or “ought to’s” or “why aren’t I over this by now’s”. It’s just gonna take whatever time it takes.

And there’s always HERE. At DU. I want to share my own experience after my mom died after what seemed like a never-ending illness. I was sitting alone, sorta aimlessly strumming through DU late that night. And I posted a brief comment about it. Didn’t expect anything. By the time I finished my post, there suddenly popped up a response. And then another. And then several more. And then even more. It was astounding! Before I realized it, there were 200-and-some posts - from familiar DUers and others I’d never heard of before. EVERY one of them offered comfort, solace, sharing of burden and pain, sympathy and empathy and love and caring. It was so healing, I still can’t describe fully what it meant to me, even after all these years, and she passed on November 1st, 2006.

A thread like this will let you know you are not alone, and that you are not walking or struggling your way along this path alone, and that you’re loved and cared about.