December 19, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-17: 2024 Year In Review Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-17: 2024 Year In Review Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! What’s up Santa Ana, how you guys doing? It is great to finally be back home! Sold us out again! Are you guys doing fucking good? Great! Well, here we are – it’s finally the end of the year, and holy shit, not since COVID have I ever wanted a year to end more. But hey it’s our last year of freedom before Fuckface comes in and starts ruling this country with an iron fist. We might as well enjoy it. And like I’ve been saying this is our last regular Top 10 for quite a while. Yeah we desperately need to take a lot of time off because this election cycle practically brought us to the breaking point. It was too much. And of course it ended with the worst outcome of an election in United States history – total one party rule. So yeah, this is peak conservative idiocy, and it will be wild to see what January has in store for us. But fuck everyone who made this nightmare administration happen. OK, that’s enough of my ranting, do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! Yeah we got to talk about this bizarre new trend in airports – seat squatting – look, we all travel quite a bit. Look here’s the thing – no, stop making this a trend. If you’re sitting in my seat when I board, I’m kicking your ass out. Period. End of story. Yeah no, I’m in a “I don’t take shit from anybody” kind of mood and have been since the 2016 and 2024 elections. But really, social media is once again, the catalyst for enabling this kind of extremely selfish behavior. Yeah it’s probably the reason why we can’t have nice things in this country ever again! Hey, we had the chance! But nope, you chose to listen to the wrong people and voted his sorry ass back into power where it doesn’t belong for a second time and are giving him the chance to destroy the country for good. Boy, that escalated quickly, didn’t it? Yeah since the last month, I have been in a “fuck everybody” kind of mode, and that may be the weirdest segue we’ve ever done! Hey it’s our last show for quite a while. OK, that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to! But first Jordan Klepper of the Daily Show compiles his best MAGA encounters of the year:

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Well, here we are. It’s finally the end of this fucking year. And we are all pissed off, dejected and dismayed by the outcome of the WORST ELECTION IN UNITED STATES HISTORY! I cannot emphasize enough how bad this election was and how fucking bad things are going to get. But hey if you’re here, you already know that! But we will be watching president elect Elon Musk burn everything down from the sidelines for now. This is also the last regular Top 10 for a while, because we gotta take a very long break. We’re as exhausted as you guys are. So to begin our annual look back at the year that was, we of course dedicate the first slot to January – February (1) which started out with promise. That is, unless you were watching Fox News, where they kept hammering shit against Biden about the economy and their stupid border war crisis – a crisis they made up and intentionally blew up so Biden wouldn’t get a win. Fuck Fox News! The second slot goes to March and April (2), which saw the beginning of the presidential primary nomination, and as can imagine, it was a total shit show and the first time in US history a convicted felon was nominated for the position. In the third slot this week, is May and June (3) when Fuckface got his sentence and, oh yeah, he almost got “assassinated”, which was of course… probably staged to convert more people to his side, we knew it. Taking the fourth slot this week is July and August (4) which featured the debate from hell, Joe Biden stepping aside, Kamala Harris enjoying a surge of popularity… and… another Fuckface assassination attempt? Holy hell. In the number 5 slot this week is September and October (5) which was dominated by two things – one – the election, and two – an absolutely bizarre conspiracy started by vice presidential nominee JD Vance aimed at harassing Springfield, Ohio’s Haitian community. And to round out the year, in slot #6 is November – December (6). Yes, we have to talk about it. We thought the 2016 election was the election from hell. Just wait until 2025 when the real shit will start hitting the fan, and it's going to be the massive shit show that everyone thought it was, and then some. For those saying “What could possibly go wrong?”, you ain’t seen nothing yet! In the number 7 slot this week is of course, our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and it’s our annual end of the year look back at all of the crazy shit that went down in 2024 among the lunatic fringe faction of Christianity and predicts what’s going to happen next year! In the number 8 slot this week, is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner! And holy shit, does our old friend Marjorie Greene have an absolutely bizarre new theory to sell you about drones over New Jersey! In the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week is People Are Dumb (9), and it’s always our favorite People Are Dumb because we get to recap our favorite idiots throughout the year – the stupidest of the stupid! And finally, in our post-election segment Road To The Shithouse (10), we’re going to tell you exactly what you voted for and how things are going to get infinitely worse with the worst House, the worst Senate, the worst SCOTUS, and the worst President we’ve ever had in American history can really fuck things up, Merry Christmas, America! Finally, since this is going to be our last regular Top 10 for a long time, we need to go out with a bang, and we’ve got an ultra-special musical guest that we really had to pull some strings to get on our crappy program. Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!


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[font size="8"]January - February

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So once again, we are faced with the inevitable task – how do you boil down an entire year into just six short entries? Well, of course, the year was absolutely dominated by one man – of course we all know it’s Orange Fuckface. Yeah, remember when we were salivating at the fact that he would just go fuck off and hawk his shitty products like his stupid NFT trading cards and not be, you know, an actual threat to the United States and its’ allies? Boy were we wrong! Well, a lot of things happened in January and of course, that’s our usual time off between seasons. But probably my favorite thing that happened between when we signed off on Dec. 16th and when we came back from our break. And that was that one of our all time favorite bands here, Green Day, altered the lyrics to the title track from their acclaimed American Idiot album, which turned 20 this year. And of course, the altered lyrics not only triggered some MAGA tears, the blab chamber on Fox News wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it, and it was rather glorious to watch the MAGA meltdown.





Then of course, everyone was horrified by the fact that there were literal Nazis marching in New York City, but in January, they seemed a bit confused about how turnstiles work. It was literally like watching that scene from Blazing Saddles. Does anyone have a dime? Someone go and get a shitload of dimes! Ha ha ha ha ha! There was also the feud between Fuckface’s shadow president Elon Musk and our favorite news host, John Oliver that lasted a few days and was definitely amusing. But maybe the craziest thing that happened in the first month of the year happened in our favorite state, Florida, the Sunshine State, America’s penis. So while us normal, non-Fox watching folks have been horrified with seeing Moms For Liberty types get elected to our school boards with zero experience and are banning books and other things kids need to learn, well, we’re not surprised this happened.





Of course, now we have to move onto February. The Kansas City Chiefs are one step closer to becoming the Tom Brady Patriots by winning their 4th Super Bowl in a row. One state that clearly has its’ middle finger aimed at the pulse of the United States is Texas. Once the bluest state in the land, Texas is now hard authoritarian crazy, and isn’t coming back to reality any time soon. The unholy trinity, the un-magnificent three leaders of that state – Gov. Greg Abbott, Lt. Gov. Ken Paxton, and SOS Dan Patrick are cold blooded psychopathic killers, especially when it comes to carrying out their Fox News’ masters demands, installed some booby death trap barbed wire at the US – Mexico border, resulting in deaths. Meanwhile, a bizarre MAGA convoy outside El Paso was actually cheerleading this shit (see: Idiots #16-3 ). Yeah that was just the beginning of the slide towards fascism, scary times we live in! But the real scary thing happened during the Chief’s victory parade in Kansas City. Yeah, why we can’t have nice things!





But of course, speaking of death and destruction in this country, the end of February this year had a *LOT* of it. And one of the things I absolutely have to mention is social media bullying. One account on the site formerly known as Twitter, which we now call the Xitter, that is championed by Elon Musk is an account called libsoftiktok, led by MAGA Qultist and insurrectionist Chaya Raichik (see: Idiots #16-4 ) . They may have inspired the murder of a trans student in Texas, and libsoftiktok got a job under batshit crazy Oklahoma superintendent Ryan Walters! WTF! But we knew something was up this year when the Conservative Political Action Committee (CPAC) held their annual gathering in – wait for it – another nation! Yes, Hungary, led by Putin apologist Viktor Orban. Where they said this, which raised more than a few eyebrows around the world!





That’s it for January and February. Now we move onto…


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[font size="8"]March - April
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Now we move on from the frost of winter onto spring! Yeah that’s right, did people forget we were in an election year? It’s presidential primary time! Where it all begins, the traditional Straw Poll in Iowa was the predictable disaster that we all knew it could be, and then some. There were some rather interesting senate races to watch including Fuckface’s favorite punching bag Adam Schiff and another MAGA Qultist who has no business being in politics, Steve Garvey. But probably the most shocking nomination of all the candidates not running for president was the guy who they chose to be possible next governor of North Carolina, Mark Robinson. Yes, he’s every bit as batshit crazy as you can imagine, and there’s no doubt if 30 Rock were still on the air, that Tracy Jordan would be playing him. But remember the Governor Dunston episode? It’s kind of like that but IRL. However, that seems to be the way the whole world is trending these days. But of course, since the entire world seems to be going fascist batshit crazy, let’s check in on our good friends Argentina, and see how their quest to make Argentina great again with their Putin stooge Javier Milei at the helm. It’s of course, going as predictably south as you could possibly imagine. Which doesn’t exactly bode well for the United States coming out of the 2024 election. Great job, America! /sarcasm





Then in April, we had the horrifying collapse of the Francis Scott Key bridge outside of Baltimore, which sent America’s conspiracy theorists including Marjorie Shit For Brains into a tizzy with some absolutely wild and unfiltered speculation (see: Idiots #16-8 ). Down south, the fight against abortion was just beginning. Yes, for the 25th year in a row, thanks anti-abortion scumbags! Of course, they were celebrating their ill gotten gains of maliciously overturning Roe V Wade after they got caught lying to Congress and saying they wouldn’t. But we all knew they would. Also, there was that whole thing about deregulated Capitalism rearing its’ ugly head when Boeing 737 Max 8 planes started crashing and having errors. But the biggest story of April was the Ukraine aid. Marjorie Shit For Brains was threatening to primary Mike Johnson over it. But thankfully the conspiracy theorists lost that battle!





Yeah, we all thought that might have been the end of MAGA. But nope, we haven’t even begun to hit the peak of stupidity yet! Just wait until January! And yes, during March and April, the cause to ban the social media streaming service known as Tik Tok was coming to a head, but could they actually do it in 2025? Well, it’s impossible to say at this point. But my favorite story of the first part of the year, has to be yet another shitty, failed product that Fuckface attempted to attach his name to – social media! Yes, you might remember on social media when the $DJT stock went public and MAGAs were gloating about how they were going to get rich. But remember that term from the 2008 economic crisis called “pump and dump” where brokers were overestimating the value of companies so they could loot what was left of the treasury? Yeah that happened.





And by the way, remember what we said about abortion? Guess what? Not only did Alabama set the tone for crazy in 2024, along comes Arizona and says “hold my beer and watch this!”. Yes, apparently, everyone seems to have forgotten that today’s bloodthirsty and ruthless GOP wants to take the United States back to the stone ages. Literally. Yes, Arizona – where batshit crazy religious fundamentalists rule the state senate, and with the aid of a MAGA Q nutjob who literally prayed on the senate floor to make this draconian ruling happen, was what made it possible. Yes, the horrifying overturning of Roe V. Wade in 2022 was only just the beginning. 2025 is going to bring some truly insane shit happening to the world of forced birth practices! And come on, even Fuckface himself said that ruling goes too far! When he says it, you know they went too far!





That’s it for winter and the first part of spring! Now onto..


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[font size="8"]May - June
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There was a lot to unpack in May and June. Too much, in fact! Yes, the first half of summer was when Bibi Netanyahu began his completely illegal and immoral occupation of the Gaza Strip, which we made a Top 10 policy not to cover. And why is that? Because we’re a comedy show and that goes against our long-standing policy of not making fun of events that are too horrifying to make fun of. So we of course will skip that for now. But perhaps the biggest story of the year, at least in the United States, was the securities fraud trial of Orange Fuckface by the state of New York. It was literally everywhere – every headline, every piece of news, you name it. And of course, like the sadistic football coach’s assistant that Fox News is, they just kept moving back the goal posts. But those of us who aren’t dialed into the Murdoch monopoly know that he’s guilty as fuck. But that didn’t stop his deranged cultist fanbase from continuing to vote for him anyways. It’s truly insane what this country allowed him to get away with, and continues to allow him to get away with, and now here we are – literally at the door of fascism, but we can remember where it all started. It also spawned the term “lawfare” – a made up MAGA term that’s a weird mish-mash of “law” and “warfare” which is too ridiculous to begin to comprehend.





You know, most presidents, when they lose an election because most of the country hates their guts, fuck off and we never hear from them again. The rare exception being the great Jimmy Carter, because he at least spent his latter years, you know, actually helping people. And speaking of trials, the trial over serial New York sex offender Harvey Weinstein announced that it would be going to a retrial. But let’s go back to that guy who we somehow are going to call president again, inexplicably. Yes, his efforts to attempt to overturn the 2020 election were very Wiley Coyote and almost cartoonishly super villain because they kept backfiring and backfiring. But who needs it since we’re in an election year and we already know who the candidate was going to be? Yeah, he’ll get a blank check to do whatever he wants, and it’s going to get real dark, real quick. But we can’t forget this humorous attempt from Arizona where every singe person who attempted to interfere in the election got their ass handed to them, like Wiley Coyote when he tries to light Acme brand dynamite.





And of course, we cannot forget the absolutely bizarre revelations that South Dakota governor and possible vice presidential candidate Kristi Noem admitted to murdering her dog in cold blood (see: Idiots #16-11 ). We also had a new nickname for Fuckface – Dances With NFTs because he unveiled yet more of that stupid merchandise in the form of NFT trading cards. Yeah the guy who is going to be the next leader of the once-free world has a picture of him floating around the internet looking like fucking Rocky or an astronaut or a NASCAR driver or some other bullshit. Elsewhere, the battle over aid to war-torn Ukraine, which was still going on, was thwarted by Putin stooge and current speaker Mike Johnson. But the summer was dominated by the news coming from the Heritage Foundation that 2025 was going to turn the US into a literal revolving door kleptocracy, and that it was a gift to Fuckface.





Yeah that’s the really fucked up thing now that we’re in the end of the election – we knew how dangerous Project 2025 was and that the Heritage Foundation is run by a bunch of fucking assholes who are drunk with power and out of control. And by the way it was also revealed that SCOTUS justice Samuel Alito was a MAGA tool who had the Stop The Steal flags on his house (see: [link: https://democraticunderground.com/100218972231 | Idiots #16-13] ).. I also love that Guiliani got served while he was hawking his shitty coffee on Steve Bannon’s podcast. But then it was also graduation time, which meant time for celebrity commencement addresses. However, none got the attention that Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Harrison Butker received for his full on MAGA authoritarian address to a relatively small Catholic school. Yeah, this is where that movement is heading, and it is scary as hell!





OK that’s it for spring – summer. Now onto the meat of summer!


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[font size="8"]July – August
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Summmmmmmmmmmmmertime and the livin’s easy! Come on, Lana Del Rey covered that song, so it’s only all right that I should get to use it! Just like as a Lakers fan, no way in hell will I acknowledge the Celtics winning the NBA finals, even though the Lakers suck and probably will for the foreseeable future, yeah. Well, it wasn’t exactly easy living in the summer of 2024, when we’re 4 months away from the 2024 general election and one side has made it clear that they’re going full blown Nazi and the other side isn’t. The biggest story of the year though happened in the ongoing election – Joe Biden dropped out of the race due, mostly to peer pressure. And if there’s one thing Homer Simpson taught us, is that you should always give in to peer pressure! Wait… that’s not how that works, right? But of course, we weren’t ready for the surge in popularity for his replacement – Kamala Harris. And yes, the democrats and even the American public were excited that there was a very real possibility that we could finally have our first female president. Yes, I wish we could go back to that ray of hope for our country, but nope, not anymore!





Yup, Biden is out and Harris is in. But the second biggest news story of the year happened right inside the Fuckface rally in Pennsylvania where some nut with a gun attempted to unload his frustrations on Fuckface and was quickly taken down. Yeah, my favorite thing about this whole exercise was the calls from Mike Johnson, Fox News, and Fuckface himself calling for “unity”. Come on, you’re the party that gives everyone guns and makes death threats against sitting Congressional representatives and senators daily, and WE are the ones who need to tone it down? Give me a fucking break. But their calls for “unity” lasted exactly 48 hours, to which we are not at all surprised. And that word doesn’t mean what you think it means.





In campaign news, one of my favorite things from the campaign was Fuckface’s ridiculous use of the 1991 cannibal serial killer flick Silence Of The Lambs to make some kind of fucking weird statement about immigration. Dude, even Anthony Hopkins, Hannibal himself, was like “WTAF???” (see: Idiots #17-4 ). With Fuckface’s popularity seemingly dwindling, and his rallies reaching Spinal Tap levels of ridiculous, even the most hardcore MAGA Dude Bros were questioning their loyalty. Or were they? But my other favorite thing about this summer was when the rumors broke about passage in VP nominee JD Vance’s book about him possibly having sex with a couch. Which… now that he’s going to be the next vice president, Biden might want to cover the couches in plastic before he leaves.





Plus in the summer time, here in California, we get absolutely bombarded with stupid questions about the weather. Particularly that we’re home to the place known to have the hottest temperatures on the planet – Death Valley. And this year it was a hot one, but thankfully we didn’t all die from it (see: Idiots #17-1 ). Elsewhere, Alex Jones saw his venerable dead children harassing “news” outlet Infowars get its’ ass handed to him in court and had to liquidate its’ assets. There was also an absolutely bizarre story coming out of Orlando where Disney really did deny a grieving husband a lawsuit opportunity after his wife died of peanut allergies (see: [link: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100219369805 | Idiots #17-5] ). But my favorite conspiracy theory of the year had to be the bizarre claim that Fuckface was in a helicopter with former San Francisco mayor Willie Brown – which he was like “WTF???”.





That’s it for summer! Now it’s onto fall! Enjoy your freedoms while they last, America!


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[font size="8"]September - October
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Now we’re into the fall. 2 months from election time. There was a lot to unpack in the months of September and October. Probably one of my favorite things that happened on social media was that Fuckface had an absolutely epic meltdown over Taylor Swift not supporting him, even though she didn’t publicly disclose her political beliefs until near the end of the election. Turned out that didn’t matter in the results. But what was even more insane was that there was a SECOND attempt on Fuckface’s life – yes, my friends, a second! And once again, Fox News and Mike Johnson parroting calls for “unity” and for the LEFT to tone it down. Come on, you guys enable violent lunatics every day and give them unlimited weapons and ammo and no consequences for using said weapons and ammo. If anything, these wounds are entirely self-inflicted. But this time – it took place at a place where it’s relatively easy to find Fuckface – either at his roach infested golf course resort, or at the nearest McOranges where he’s chowing down on Big Macs and chicken nuggets. And two packets of sauce. Come on. But anyway yeah, another day, another gun nut. Which that – once again – is the reason why we cannot have nice things in the United States.





I love all the conspiracy theories that stemmed from that. Particularly from the queen MAGA conspiracy theorist herself, Marjorie Shit For Brains, who claimed it was a psy-op. Tell me you don’t know what a psy-op is without telling me you don’t know what a psy-op is. But this was one of my favorite things to happen in the fall was coming from head insurrectionist and crappy pillow salesman, Mike Lindell. You know how your racist relatives like to claim that they’re not racist after saying the most racist shit you’ve ever heard? Well, Mr. Lindell did just that. Yes, after claiming that he’s not racist 1,000 times, he literally priced his crappy pillows at $14.88. Which, if you’ve ever spent any length of time on any political forum, yes, right or left, you know that 1488 is neo-Nazi code for “heil Hitler”. That’s right.





Yeah my favorite thing about that was how much he tried to pull the “I’m not racist” card after that scandal broke. Also, no doubt that the car of the year – whether good or bad – was the ugliest monstrosity on four wheels not seen since the DMC DeLorean - the Tesla Cybertruck. Yes, the ultra-controversial, truck which is now a symbol of MAGA hate and the forthcoming dictatorship, is everywhere. It’s at schools, in police departments, at auto shows. You probably see them on your daily commute. But underneath their unpolished exterior lies some absolutely bizarre truths about the Tesla brand is that Elon is literally tanking it. Yes, the Cybertruck has been called the “world’s most expensive brick” for a reason. It’s been involved in tons of horrifying accidents. The software never works. Even Lewis Black pointed out that the “finger test” for the front “trunk” resulted in lots of people heading to the emergency room. But the truck has been subjected to not one, not two, not three, but six separate recalls since its’ launch this summer.





Seriously, people! For $100K, you could easily do better. These are definitely people with more money than brains. Or not. Wish I had that problem! Anyway, back on the campaign trail, things were starting to heat up. Fuckface got back to doing his stupid rallies – and perhaps the strangest one was his stint in Coachella Valley, where his unruly fans were left stranded after attacking bus drivers, which we’re not surprised in the least on that one. But the weirdest story of the fall happens to belong to the guy who is going to unfortunately be our next vice president – JD Vance. Yes, the guy who may or may not have fucked a couch spread an absolutely bizarre theory about the Haitian population in his hometown of Springfield, Ohio that accused them of – wait for it – eating pets. And yes, this bizarre theory grew legs and spread wide across the internet. It even made an appearance in the second debate. Real life really is stranger than fiction!





OK we’re almost done for the year! Now onto winter!


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[font size="8"]November – December
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OK we’re almost done here! Yes, I know that we were in an election year. Yes, there’s nothing more that we can say that hasn’t already been said. There are two truths to this fucking nightmare of an election – the first is fuck the polls and the stupid betting markets. 2 – we’re not living in the country that we thought we were living in. Yes, America’s soul died on election night. And we’re still pissed off. In fact, we went on our infamous f-bomb filled tirade after the results were called (see: Idiots #17-13 ). But now that the dust has settled – we are still in total shock that 78 million of us want to live in a fascist totalitarian dictatorship run by a crazy billionaire with a continuously operating news network megaphone. And the news about his horrifying policies including ridiculous tariffs and mass deportations kept coming. His cabinet picks got worse than the next. But what may be the most horrifying one of them all may be the new “department” created for his billionaire sugar daddy Elon Musk and Fox News host Vivek Ramasawmy – by the way, what did that guy do to deserve anything? Let alone a made up “department”? Let us know in the comments! But yes, the aptly and not at all coincidentally named “Department Of Government Efficiency” or DOGE – is coming for your jobs. Yes, MAGA, it’s not the immigrants, its’ your boss!





Seriously, what could possibly go wrong? Look at all of Fuckface’s cabinet picks. He has neo-Nazis in charge of the military. He has conspiracy theorists in charge of intelligence. He has anti-vaxxers in charge of public health. He has Fox News hosts in charge of the interior. He has the MAGA Taliban in charge of public education. Literally the worst possible people you can think of for every position, and they’re all there because they kissed his ass in some way. But two of his nominees might be the most controversial of them all – former Fox News host and current drunken rapist neo Nazi Pete Hegseth (see: Idiots #17-15 ) and notorious internet anti-vaccine conspiracy theorist and wellness industry aficionado – Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. Yes, the nephew of former president JFK has admitted to some extremely bizarre behavior including having a literal worm in his brain and dumping a dead bear in Central Park. But his policies are way more horrifying now that he’s actually put in a position where he could do some real damage.





Seriously, putting this guy in charge of public health will be like putting a bull in a china shop, and then blaming the destruction on the bull! 2024 was also the year of artificial intelligence. Yes, AI is coming for us! It’s coming for our phones, our TVs, our computers, our cars. Literally anything that has a circuit will be connected to AI somehow. Tech bros are now AI bros. Also, after the election, Congress got back to the important issues affecting Americans – trans bathroom bans. But none were more insane than South Carolina’s Nancy Mace (Q – Batshit) having an epic meltdown against incoming transgender Congresswoman Sarah McBride (see: Idiots #17-15 ). But with all of that being, said, my favorite story involving the internet and technology happened because of the Infowars sale. You know who bought Alex Jones’ Infowars? Everyone’s favorite satirical newspaper, The Onion! That’s right! But of course, leave it to MAGA to take a dump in our breakfast cereal. Because that’s what they do best.





I so want to see Infowars as a parody of itself, that would be hilarious! And there’s a lot still going on that we haven’t even begun to cover yet. There’s the sightings of drones over the tri-state area, with Marjorie Shit For Brains threatening to shoot them down. There’s yet another mass shooting where the killer attempted to recreate Columbine, complete with a replica of the KMFDM shirt that the Columbine shooters wore that day. But speaking of murder, the one thing the United States does best, we can’t get out of here without the one story that’s currently all over the media – the murder of United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson outside his New York hotel room. The killer – identified as 26 year old Luigi Mangione – certainly did his homework in leading police off the trail, which included such hilarious things as leaving a backpack full of Monopoly money in Central Park. But this has put into light that the real bad guys in all of this – who we’ve been saying for 8 FUCKING YEARS now – are the guys who have been stealing our money all along! And if this doesn’t get people talking, what will? We only hope people are still talking about it after Fuckface takes office.





That’s it for our 2024 year in review, everybody!

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know this is our last Holy Shit for the year and our last one for quite a while. But before we head into our long slumber, we have to talk about the election. I know, you’re probably sick of hearing about it for a while and we are too, and we’re sick that the unholy, ungodly Dark One is going to be ruling over us again. Yes, I speak of a man, so foul, so profane and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! Even if he is the leader of the once free world, he’s still as disgusting as ever! But my favorite one of these every year is when we look back at the year that was, and make our predictions for what’s going to happen next year based off what they said and what they did. Yes, it’s a complicated process but we’ll do our best! Probably the biggest story of the entire year in the world of religion was the merging of church with the cult of the unholy, ungodly Dark One! Which of course came to an absolute ugly peak in the state of Oklahoma. Yes, Oklahoma’s schools are ruled by Ryan Walters (Q – Batshit) and he has a plan to merge the cult with Oklahoma’s Department Of Education in the absolute worst way possible. And you will not believe it when you see it, it’s every bit as horrible as you could imagine!





Yes, so my prediction for this one is fairly easy – when the unholy Dark One himself cuts off Chinese imports and raises tariffs – Oklahoma won’t be able to put these wretched abominations in the schools because they can’t obtain them or afford them! These things retail for $69.99, with the tariffs, they’ll be $129.99 minimum! You get how that works? Thank you my fair congregation! Well, the topic on the table that was one of the biggest topics being discussed this year in the world of religion was the topic of Christian Nationalism. And yes, there were none scarier than the unholy Dark One’s proposed “border czar” Pete Hegseth. But one of the biggest peddlers of this talking point was Texas pastor Joel Webbon who made huge rounds on social media because of the incredibly extremist stuff they were saying. Yes, they want to undo the last 100 years, my friends!





No, asshole, you don’t “need to win”. The White House is not yours and you don’t have a “divine mandate from GAWD”. Because GAWD doesn’t support your hatred! My dream prediction for what should happen to this psycho would be for the democrats to retake the House, while people realize “this sucks” and they begin to undo the last 10 years! Yeah that’s what should happen, and fuck the Dark One, his “news” network and people like this. Another hot topic this year was the 20th anniversary of one of the still hottest movies in Christianity – Mel Gibson’s opus “The Passion Of The Christ”. Yes, it’s been 20 years since it was the highest grossing R rated movie of all time. And it got that title dethroned by – what else? Deadpool & Wolverine!





Hello, Deadpool! So my prediction that is that Passion Of The Christ 2 gets upended by Deadpool 3, which that would be hilarious! I would love to see a JAYSUS – Deadpool rivaly ongoing at the box office, and I am sure that Ryan Reynolds is up to the task! But the final thing I want to touch on is the subject of the unholy Dark One himself. Yes, my friends. For too long, we’ve been referring to He Who Shall Not Be Named. And now that the unholy Dark One is about to not rightfully ascend to the throne once again, and this time, he’s way more EVIL than last time, his supporters have taken an unusually dark tone in how they celebrate his unholiness’ victory. In fact, they almost sound like that group in the Middle East that we once declared war against 20 years ago! But yeah, when you see the rhetoric, you will get it!





Well, I won’t say what I feel should happen to his unholiness, but use some historical texts, mainly a certain work of William Shakespeare to see what I think should happen! That’s it for our year end review, and this is the last Holy Shit for a while. We will see you again soon! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this year for:





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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts, after all! Well, my friends, this week, we’ve got some strange sightings happening in the Tri-State area. Yes, the area that’s home to three states – Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and New York is also home to four of the largest airports in the world – PHL, LGA, JFK, and EWR. That’s thousands of flights a day from literally all sizes of aircraft coming from all corners of the globe for those of you who are into aviation. But there’s also some strange happenings in the sky in that area – drones! Yes, unidentified drones are popping up everywhere outside of Philadelphia and Newark, which is not only alarming the FAA, it’s also alarming internet armchair conspiracy theorists all over the country. And if you follow the online conspiracy theory sphere, you know that just about everyone and their Facebook relatives has a hot take and it’s every bit as weird as it gets!





Yeah so this has naturally sparked some fears and the conversations include a wide variety of topics and depending on who you talk to, the drones could be anything from dirty bombs to aliens to Amazon boxes being delivered right to your door. We’re guessing it’s not the latter, though that’s what Jeff Bezos wants you to think! Though recently, the drone sightings have revived a long-dormant conspiracy theory known as Project Blue Beam. Which alleged that the government was using drones as a form of mass surveillance. It started in the 90s and was revived on the Alex Jones show. And like most conspiracies, the goal posts keep getting moved back, and the crazies keep getting stirred up. Which is why we can’t have nice things in this country.





Hoooooooooooooooooly shit. We’re fucked if that’s the kind of bullshit that gets 8 million views. WTF are we doing in this country? But of course, the conspiracy theories are why we can’t have nice things, because the people who believe them really are that crazy. Like our old buddy and frequent contributor to this program, Marjorie Shit For Brains. Yes, the queen of conspiracies never lets a good one get by her, and uses her powers… well, for nothing but to sow division on social media, while going on the most lunatic fringe talk shows possible when nobody likes her ideas or takes her seriously. But Marge has threatened to unleash her inner asshole and middle finger on the drones. You know, wouldn’t it be great if Marge got arrested for shooting at low flying planes? It would be a danger to low flying planes but come on, you know this would happen!





Come on, anyone else loving watching the full blown MAGA meltdown over the drones hovering above the tri-state area? I’m personally loving it, and you know one of them is going to do something stupid at some point. But the best part about this is that every single one of these theories have been debunked, yet they keep going at it like they’re trying to break down the door. What’s up with that? What is up with that? Let us know in the comments! But of course, while the right wing MAGA conspiracy theory world is frothing at the mouth with another plant to shut down part of the government, thankfully, we still have cooler heads prevailing at the top… for now. But that’s what they want you to think!






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course, you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb! And this is our favorite People Are Dumb because we get to tell you the stupidest of the stupid, the best and dumbest criminals and stupid people of 2024! And before we start, I always want to start by saying exactly what makes a People Are Dumb story. So someone just robbing a McDonalds does not make a People Are Dumb story. Now someone who steals the supply truck and goes on a joy ride because they got really high and wanted all you can eat chicken nuggets? Now that’s a People Are Dumb story! And also we do want to point out that not every People Are Dumb story is a stupid criminal story, but we do love a good stupid criminal story! Also just remember too that we have a policy of omitting names in order to protect ourselves from a lawsuit, because we wouldn’t want to draw negative attention to our fine program, would we? Let’s start with this story out of Alabama, and you probably remember the tale of the guy who stripped butt naked sohe could take a dip in the aquarium at the Bass Pro Shop, right? Well yeah we totally remember that one and it’s every bit as crazy as it sounds!





Next up – we go to this bizarre story from Germany. We always want to preface by saying that not every People Are Dumb story is a stupid criminal story. We love stupid criminal stories. We collect them, trade them with our friends. And we also say that people doing ridiculously stupid things isn’t a uniquely American problem. No, it’s a global one that spans the entire world! You know, the COVID-19 pandemic is still a thing. Even though most governments have stopped reporting it because it’s not overloading our hospitals, but this story is weird for multiple reasons. But one thing you should never, ever do is do what this guy did and get 200 vaccines in a row. Look, your immune system is already good, but this certainly isn’t helping things!





Next up – here’s a great story out of Colorado. We always love stupid criminal stories when people use weird ways of getting away from the cops, or they use an easily traceable online form of either transportation or currency. But what’s the one thing we *NEVER* tell you to do when you are on the run from the law? Use your damn phone! And if you commit a crime, don’t solicit a prostitute using Venmo, and don’t use Uber as a getaway car! Yes, this actually happened and it’s every bit as stupid as you could ever possibly realize!





Of course, we can’t get out of here without mentioning a couple of stories from our favorite state of all of them. I’m of course talking about Florida, the Sunshine State. Or as Tracy Jordan famously referred to it – “the penis of America!”. And there was a lot of stupid stories coming out of the Sunshine State to choose from. By the way, is it weird when HBO / Max premieres a show called “Florida Man” and you don’t even have to read the synopsis to know what the show is about? I mean come on, we’ve been doing this program for 8 years and we know that! But this one out of Miami is a definite hall of fame contender! Look, if there’s anything you don’t do in the age of heightened security is to make even a casual bomb threat. And if you’re going to, the last place you should do that is in front of the police or airport security, because they don’t take that shit sitting down!





Finally for this year, like I said, 2024 was the year of Florida Man and there were a shit ton of stories to choose from, and you can go through all of our editions this year to prove that. And while we normally try to keep this segment apolitical, we have to award this as the single most Florida Man story ever, and this might be an actual hall of fame contender. So when a truly massive hurricane like we experienced with Helene this year happens, what’s the first thing you do? Run to the store and grab anything and everything you can to prepare for apocalyptic weather. Well, these two dolts decided that the place to loot was the MAGA merchandise store. Yes, you heard that right. They decided that MAGA merch was more important than food, and well, this is what you get. But then again, this is the state that elected Anna Luna to Congress, we’re not surprised!





That’s it this year for:




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[font size="8"] Road To The Shithouse
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Welcome back to our segment that puts all of our post-election coverage in one place – Road To The Shithouse! Yes, we have to face reality that Fuckface is going to be inaugurated on January 20th and he is going to have unleashed both his inner asshole and his middle finger at America. Well, fuck, this isn’t how we wanted to end things, but here we are. And we’ve got some final thoughts on what happened now that Fuckface Turdburglar and his billionaire criminal cabal are going to be worming their way back to the White House on January 20th, and well, we warned you what a massive shit show this next administration is going to be. In fact, a couple of weeks ago, we were wondering if the Fuckface “honeymoon period” was going to be over. So we decided to close this segment by telling you what you voted for and what you are going to get. In an election, there are no take backs. Yes, we’re seeing a lot of “I regret my vote for Fuckface” votes. And here’s the thing – we fucking warned you! Like, we spent the last two years warning you! But for our final thoughts, we’re going to talk about, and place the blame strictly on one of the organizations that made Fuckface 47 possible, one of the largest newspapers in the country – the Los Angeles Times, and their billionaire asshole owner, Patrick Soon-Shiong. No, we don’t want to bow to your demands, fuck you.





Damn right! And no, Jeff Bezos, don’t think you’re immune from this either. In fact, the point where a red flag went off that something was wrong, was when those two douchebags blocked their rags to endorse Kamala for president. Like they knew something that we didn’t. So what is it? Out with it, already! So instead of using this to rag on the people who got duped, we’re going to focus on the dupers – the people who made Fuckface’s trip back to the White House possible. And one such peddler of misinformation is the owner of the LA Times. And we could spend all day on this subject, because Patrick Soon-Shiong is a piece of shit. In fact when your owner is so toxic that people are leaving in droves, you know that’s a problem! In fact, he can’t stop meddling in the opinions section, and you know what they say about opinions.





Yeah so not only is this our last Road To The Shithouse section, this is going to be a preview of where we’re going next! Yes, we’re going to expose the peddlers of misinformation and Fuckface’s biggest fanboys – the billioniares! Unfortunately we won’t get to do Stupidest State this year, but that’s OK, we kind of need a break for it. But the reason we decided to switch gears is because, well, we’re fed up, tired, and fucking pissed off. The billionaire criminal cabal which includes Patrick Soon-Shiong. But when the shit hits the fan next year, you gotta know who to complain to. So instead of crying or blaming anyone, we’re going to tell you who’s responsible for our country turning to shit in our new segment “Better Know A Billionaire!”. But Patrick Soon-Shiong and his love of Fuckface is going way too far, and it needs to be addressed! He’s turned one of this nation’s most beloved newspapers into an absolute shit show. Seriously, everything Fuckface touches.





By the way – you can drown us out and you can have “opinions favorable” of Fuckface, but there’s no way you can silence us. Yes, you got your wish and it’s an extremely shitty one. Fuckface is going to destroy the country so you can add more billions to your already ill gotten gains. And we will tell you where to shove it. So instead of crying in our beers about why the democrats lost the election, we’re using our last segment here to say “fuck you” to the people who made this whole thing possible, and don’t think we’re done yet! Because Patrick Soon-Shiong and his love of and ass kissing for Fuckface is grossly unpopular with the LA Times staff. People have quit. He’s proposed a controversial AI bias meter to promote fairness, but this may be the most egregious of them all – he wants to have “fairness” in the opinions section. Oh so now they suddenly care about fairness? Fuck this shit. Until we meet again in 2025, I’m out! Fuck you Patrick Soon-Shiong, and he won’t be the last!








[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]AC/DC[/font]

Folks, since this is our last regular show for a while, we decided to go all out with a bang, and we’ve got a guest that we’ve wanted to get for the last 5 years! Their latest album is called Power Up. You can see them on tour this April including stops at the Rose Bowl April 18th, Allegiant Stadium, April 26th, and much more. Playing their song “Shot In The Dark”, give it up for the one, the only AC/DC!



Thank you everyone. Well here we are, this is the end… for now. We have to take a long hiatus and do some retooling. Also, this is our last show at the Observatory OC. Our next shows will be at our new home base in Long Beach at the Long Beach Terrace Theater. This year and this election cycle brought us to the breaking point. We were sick of seeing Fuckface and his goons on TV 24 hours a day, and we really thought we were going to be at the very end of it. But nope, 76 million Americans voted for the fucking asshole to be president again and now this is where we are. And it of course, it had to end with the absolute WORST election in United States history. Really, this is rock bottom. They have one party rule. The media will give them a blank check to do whatever they want. So we need to just shut it down. But we will be back. But before we go, I do have something that I have been wanting to do all year, regardless of which candidate won. But since Fuckface unfortunately is going to be worming his way back to the White House, this makes it even more like something I have to do. But we will digress and we will see everyone back out on the road soon. But before we go, I want to thank my staff, my crew, all the great universities that hosted us through this season, and of course our home office in Santa Ana, and the fine people at the Observatory OC, go see a show there if you’re in town. We wouldn’t be here without you guys! UGA and Miami, we will be back. And everyone else, we will be back! Until then… fuck this fucking year. Fuck you 2024, and also fuck you 2025. I’m out!



Well we’ll see you next year!

Credits

Host: Initech
AC/DC appear courtesy of: Leidseplein B.V.
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Constellation Room at Observatory OC, Santa Ana, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

December 12, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-16: Death Of An Insurance Salesman Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-16: Death Of An Insurance Salesman Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! What’s up, UCLA, how you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! It is good to be home! And by the way we just passed our 8th anniversary, how wild is that? We’ve come a long way, baby! This is our penultimate Top 10 of the year and the last regular one for quite a while. As we keep saying, we have to take a break because this recent election cycle brought us to the breaking point. Couldn’t take it! And we were growing increasingly tired of seeing Fuckface on TV and social media 24 hours a day. I know, we’re a political comedy show! But hey… it’s been a wild ride these last few years and especially in 2024. But we will be back with a new and improved format. We’re also exploring the idea of finally getting a podcast off the ground… maybe. But next week is of course our annual year-end roundup and man we are busy working overtime trying to sort through all the crazy shit that happened this year, and what we think is going to happen next year. But one question I get asked all the time is “Why are you ending the show right now when it’s going to be insane next year? Hasn’t he made your job easier?” Two answers to that question – 1) We had to take a break. A long break. This election practically brought us to the breaking point and we’re just exhausted. Like most of us. We’re fucking sick of seeing his face and all his hate, bile and garbage on TV and social media 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You just can’t satirize this shit anymore because it’s insane thing after insane thing. Enough of it! And the answer to part 2 – no, it hasn’t made our jobs easier. It’s made it that much more fucking difficult! And any actual news is getting harder to find anymore as it gets hidden behind a paywall, while bullshit is free and out there. So that’s the answer to that question. OK enough of the intro. We have a lot of idiocy to cover for our next to last show of the year. But first Stephen Colbert lays his take on the Pete Hegseth nomination and that guy is scary AF!:



So where do we begin this week? Before we go any further, we want to say that we are not going to make fun of the murder of the United Healthcare CEO, but instead we are going to tell you about what his company was up to in his final minutes. We can do that, right? Of course we can! In the number one slot this week is of course United Healthcare (1). While we do not take light in what may be a premeditated murder, we’re certainly going to talk about what happened because it’s crazy. And no, Matt Walsh, we’re not dunking on him because he’s white, just go fuck right the fuck off with your race baiting bullshit. In the second slot this week is Bird Flu (2). Yes, while California is pointing fingers at one of the biggest raw milk producers in the country, there’s a possibility that H5N1 is a mutation away from jumping to humans… or it isn’t. In the number 3 slot this week, is of course Fuckface himself (3), and has the “honeymoon” period after the election ended? Well it’s entirely possible depending on what your sources are, and of course Fox News can’t wait to bend over and kiss the ring every single day, which means they probably interfered in the election. Ugh. In the number 4 slot this week is DOGE (4). Yes, the new made up department to give Fuckface’s personal helper monkeys Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy something to do is getting ready to do as much damage to this country as it can possibly do. At what point do we rise up against these whackos? It’s going to be a long four years, isn’t it? In the number 5 slot this week is our segment detailing the plight of the world’s most poorly designed and constructed monstrosity on four wheels in “Cyberstruck” (5) and yes, the Tesla Cybertruck is the most poorly designed vehicle ever conceived! Great job, Elon! Taking the sixth slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week – does it feel like the hostile takeover of the government by religion is becoming a reality? Yeah you’re probably right and the quest to take the US into a totalitarian nightmare hellscape is being led by the worst people you know! At the number 7 slot is our segment that explores never-ending corporate greed in Late Stage Capitalism (7) and did you know that United Healthcare was in the process of deploying an AI that could have resulted in half of his staff being fired? Yeah, that happened and they’re not the only ones who are doing this, should you be afraid? Yes! In the number 8 slot this week is of course our weekly venture into the never-ending foray of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week – RFK Jr isn’t just doubling down on his support of raw milk, he’s attempting to integrate it into the government and the biggest supplier of the shit on the West Coast just got recalled again! Yeah it’s going to be a ridiculously long 4 years, isn’t it? And in the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot this week, is a new I Need A Drink (9) and this week, we have to talk about the ridiculous new Netflix phenomenon that is “Hot Frosty” – a movie about a woman who wishes her snowman to come to life and it turns into a male model. Yeah that’s right! Finally this week in Road To The Shithouse (10) – we have to talk about one of Fuckface’s key campaign promises – his threat to eliminate the Department Of Education. Could it happen or could it not? Well the road to it happening is a lot more complicated than signing a simple executive order. Plus to cap things off, we have the legendary Duran Duran joining us! Buy their new album “Danse Macabre” or you are no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Brian Thompson
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Ladies and gentlemen, can I lay some harsh truths about reality on you for a minute? There’s one that I want to lay on everybody. That is… death isn’t always sad. Does anyone remember how you celebrated when you found out Rush Limbaugh died (see: Idiots #10-5 )? Well, 10 – 15 years from now, assuming that the United States and the world still exist, people will be asking you where you were when you found out that United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson was murdered by a then unknown assailant in cold blood? And the killer turned out to be Brooklyn resident and guy who has a way too Italian paisano video game character name – Luigi Mangione. For the sake of this piece, let’s call this “Death Of An Insurance Salesman”. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I could totally see that working as a movie! But it’s totally insane the movement that this has been inspiring. I’ve personally likened it to the ending of the movie Joker. We may see some riots brewing because of this, but we may also not. But if there’s one thing we’ve learned in the events since the murder, it’s that this is a wake up call that the population is pissed, and we’re only getting angrier. But it’s absolutely insane that it came to this.





Oh come on, people! Stop your rabbling! But the biggest takeaway from this murder is that people are finally reaching the breaking point of what the American for profit healthcare system is doing to actual Americans and not the billiionaires who own it. But what’s even more insane is the moral and ethical debate this has spawned. First – Ben Shapiro, no, the shooter is not being praised for killing a white male, let’s make that perfectly clear. He was killed because he was a greedy piece of shit who was only poised to become even greedier if this latest shareholder meeting had taken place. And no, Fox News, go fuck yourselves. His murder is not cannon fodder for your ratings. In fact, if you do some research, a quick Google search will tell you exactly what Brian Thompson and United Healthcare were up to that led to the shooting.





Uh oh… the crowd is getting restless! Better give them some mindless stimulation! Here, here’s some bullshit fearmongering from Fox News about the “border crisis”. So yeah, United Healthcare is in some deep doo doo about that AI that was being used to deny claims, while Brian Thompson and the UHC executives profited from it. But here’s the thing that MAGA needs to know – you want to know why your pay is so low? It’s not immigrants coming over the border to take your jobs. It’s your boss and the shareholder and dividend class! They’re the ones who are stealing our money and laughing all the way to the bank because you keep voting against your best interests time and time again! But this move definitely has UHC’s competition scared.





Yeah this is starting to feel a lot like the Joker isn’t it? I can see him going “Well, I off one little CEO and everyone loses their minds!”. Well look, America is a fucking powder keg waiting to go off, and this may have been the catalyst to light the fuse. We’ve been fucked over and taken advantage of by Wall Street for so long that it was only a matter of time before someone acted. And don’t worry, we’ll get to the *alleged* killer, Luigi Mangione next week. But this was maybe one of the more disturbing developments from the healthcare industry this week. Yes, they were planning to put time limits on anesthesia during surgery. If that’s not shockingly, disgustingly evil, then what is? And of course I’m not talking about the fact that the asshole criminal convicted felon has wormed his way back to the White House, that’s a different topic altogether. Everyone – remember, remember the 5th of Decembert!






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[font size="8"]Bird Flu Pandemic

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When COVID-19 first broke out on the scene, people thought “it can’t happen here”. Well, it could happen and it did happen and it killed millions of people and 1.2 million Americans, including over 750,000 truly selfish individuals who mocked doctors and public health experts and spat in the face of COVID protocols. But, if you remember your COVID terminology, you probably remember the term “zoonotic virus”. That’s a virus that can jump between species. The current strain of H5N1 is getting to be dangerous. And if you’ve been following this program, you know that our segment Conspiracy Corner has been spending the last couple of weeks documenting the fight between the state of California and one of the biggest producers of the substance known as raw milk, Raw Farms. But of course, the conspiracy theorists didn’t listen to experts during COVID, so what makes you think they will listen to experts this time around? The H5N1 virus has been around for a while, but the current strain could wreak serious havoc on our hospitals.





Yeah we’re in danger all right. Imagine the next administration takes office and RFK Jr bans vaccines and replaces actual science with raw milk, Crossfit, and magic beans. Then watch as Dr. Oz guts your health insurance and sends it back to the stone ages. Yeah it’s going to be a colossal shit show. But so far, actual public health experts aren’t concerned for the pandemic potential, but are calling on people to tone down the fearmongering. But of course our 24/7 news media hysteria isn’t exactly helping things, and they certainly don’t plan to start any time soon. But rest assured that there are some very smart people in charge of our public health (for now) and they’re actively looking into the situation.





Yeah it’s the danger zone, all right! Someone call Kenny Loggins! Yeah it’s insane that our public health is going to be handled by anti-vaxxers and conspiracy theorists. That’s like giving the alcoholic the keys to the liquor cabinet. And to your car. And directions to the nearest cliff. What anti-vaxxers don’t understand about public health is that public health affects LITERALLY everybody on the planet. Yes, for those of you keeping score at home, that’s literally EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THIS PLANET. And that includes you and me. Yes, the COVID vaccines worked. And an H5N1 vaccine will work. It’s not some stupid psy-op despite what your crazy uncle’s next door neighbor’s caretaker said on a Facebook meme last night.





So yes, while the plight of the H5N1 pandemic potential continues to grow, once again, you can rest assured that there’s some very smart and talented people working behind the scenes to make sure that you’re safe. But while the media attempts to link that one case in Fresno, California to the suppliers of raw milk, Raw Farms, that strain is not the one that’s jumping to humans. If H5N1 follows the pattern of COVID – yes, they start out small and become much bigger than we could imagine. Could H5N1 cause the same kind of panic that COVID did? There’s only one way to find out, but so far it doesn’t look like it’s going to cause the same reaction that COVID did. For now. We hope.






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[font size="8"]Orange Fuckface

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Look, we told you what was going to happen if you elect Orange Fuckface a second term. We warned you how bad things were going to get. And he’s just barely getting started. Shit, two years ago, we called that if he got elected for a second term, it would be a venerable revenge-a-palooza. He’s out for blood, and his supporters want violent and bloody revenge for what happened in 2020. And now that he’s heading back to the White House, they will get it. But the most criminally insane part of the election was the ”undecided voters”, and many of those undecided voters waited until the last minute. That being said, we wondered how so many of the gullible were duped this time around, in fact, we had our own analysis on what was going on a few weeks ago. But now many of those “undecideds” have been regretting their choice. And now that we see what his true intentions really are, a lot of people are having second thoughts about their decision. Look, you only get one vote and you wasted it, you can’t take it back. Now look sad, bow your head and say “d’oh”. Yes, the “honeymoon” period for Orange Fuckface may be over as people are turning their anger towards him.





Yeah does anyone remember how fucking bad things were in 2020? Is all you care about the damn gas prices? Well, I got news for ya, folks! There’s more reasons to vote than just your fucking wallets, but that only seems to be what you care about. So what are you going to do when Orange Fuckface guts your Social Security and Medicare and you lose all your money because he gutted everyone in the SEC and the IRS? And then RFK Jr and Dr Oz replace actual science with conspiracy theory quackery and people start dying in the streets? Well, don’t come crawling to us! Because we can say “we told you so” followed by a very childish “neener neener”. But while one takeaway from that infamous June debate was that his popularity was plateauing, the actual numbers say otherwise!





Seriously, that’s about what it feels like! 54%! He still receives a failing grade! Why didn’t you vote for the nice lady who wanted to give you free healthcare? You could have done that! But instead, you chose to vote for this fucking asshole. And look, we might have understood when it was 2016 and it was a much more innocent time. But this is 2024. We know who Fuckface is. We know what he stands for. We know that his intentions are bad. We know the people who he surrounds himself with. None of it is good, and nothing good will happen in January. If you still chose to vote for him despite everything that we now know, well, that’s entirely on you.





Even the stock market – the stock market! Is having an “oh shit” moment. Like they didn’t think things were going to be different after they spent 4 years slandering and spiting Biden and Harris? They really thought things were going to be different with Fuckface version 2.0? Well guess what? All his billionaire and big business backers are going to realize that they went too far this time when all of his cuts and tariffs go into place and people start going broke and the shit hits the fan. Yeah it will affect them too. If it indeed causes a second Great Depression, it’ll be infinitely worse than the first one. And when that happens, once again, don’t say we didn’t warn you!






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[font size="8"]DOGE
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The 47th president of the United States, Elon Musk, found himself in a bit of hot water this week over his newly proposed Department Of Government Efficiency, or DOGE, and how much damage it could possibly do. It’s basically a way for the billionaire criminal class to launder money in plain sight by firing entire government agencies. Come on, we’re onto their little scheme. Which of course, the personal helper monkey to the actual president – Orange Fuckface – is poised to do some incredible damage to the United States government. But just how much damage? We’ve said in the last couple of weeks, that it's going to be like taking a bull to a china shop – and you get to clean up and put back together what’s left of the broken glass. But of course, we can’t let made up, unofficial government organizations get to the better of us. In fact, one Congressman in particular – Maxwell Frost – has had enough of Elon’s bullshit and is resorting to the offensive. But really – the two biggest social media trolls in the United States – Orange Fuckface and Elon Musk – are going to be the ones in charge of burning this country down, and well, the fire is only getting started. This is going to be a ridiculously long 4 years, isn’t it?





Oh yeah. And while the CEO of 1,000 corporations is only salivating at the thought of annihilating the United States government and turning people’s livelyhoods into a game that you’d see on Facebook is just getting started, who knows what the end game is, and if they could really, actually accomplish what they’re setting out to do on “day one”. But this might be the most bizarre aspect of the whole DOGE endeavor – it’s applicants are literally working for free. That’s right – they will be working for 80 hours a week for zero money. That’s right – no pay, no benefits, no insurance, nothing. You get NOTHING! YOU
GET NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR!





What……….. and I cannot emphasize this enough………….. the fuck???? Seriously, can you imagine the uproar on Fox if Biden or Kamala proposed an agency to gut government agencies where its’ top 1% applicants got literally nothing? It boggles the fucking mind! And who are these people who are willing to work for nothing? I want some names, because these people need the Will Smith – Chris Rock treatment, damn it! Maybe not so much a pimp slapping, but maybe more of a WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??? kind of deal. But here’s my favorite part of all of this – Elon says he watched Office Space as preparation for what to do with cost cutting. Uh…. fucking what???? That’s like watching Gator to prepare for a trip to New Orleans.





Oh what the fuck. You know, you could have voted for Kamala Harris and we could have had sanity and normalcy prevailing in Washington once again. But nope, you called her vicious names and downplayed everything she did, while elevating the fucking asshole and now this is what we’ve got. This whole thing gets weirder and weirder. By the way, in case you’re wondering the caliber of person that Elon and Vivek are looking for, well… first off, what the fuck does Vivek even do besides go on Fox News 100 times a day? What does Vivek do? Let us know in the comments! But Elon and Vivek say that they’re looking for super high IQ individuals. Uh… got to tell you guys something, you’re not going to find it in this crowd, and if you do, they won’t work for free!





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[font size="8"]Cyberstruck
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Oh man, I was just getting into that song! Yes, there are some men who just want to watch the world burn, and one of those men is Tesla CEO Elon Musk. Welcome to our segment detailing the plight of the world’s most ridiculous monstrosity on 4 wheels not seen since the DMC DeLorean – the Tesla Cybertruck! Yes, thanks to the Tesla mad man, and his MAGA ass kissing credibility, the stock of the company has sank to unheard of levels. But an even more alarming statistic about the once revered auto maker should be more concerning: Telsa is the least reliable car on the road! In fact, not only is the Tesla Cybertruck the most recalled vehicle on the road, it’s worse than 91% of all cars on the road! You’ve probably been seeing pictures like these pop up on your social media feeds. Most of them are true, like this one. That was AI, ha! Created with Elon’s Grok AI, of course! The thing about the Cybertruck is that it's not a functioning vehicle. It’s basically just an over bloated, expensive, near impossible to maintain status symbol for cryto dude bros who want to look cool, and that’s about it. But the main thing is clear – Elon Musk is probably going to kill a whole lot of us.





It’s not about money, it’s about sending a message. And that message from Elon Musk is apparently fuck all y’all! But of course, the actual people who purchase the Cyberbrick aren’t concerned with functionality, they’re just concerned that they got a cool toy. If you want functionality with your vehicle, the Dodge RAM EV or Yukon Denali EV would be more up your alley, and unlike the Cybertruck, they can actually do truck things, like haul things and tow things. And they won’t fail on you after 116 miles because you got yours stuck in the sand! Great way to waste $100,000! Not only that, the Cyberturd is the most disposable vehicle on the road too. But in comparison, not all electric vehicles are bad – some rank at the top of the list and some rank at the bottom. And like a huge percentage of the recalls are due to guess what? Bad software! It’s a tale as old as time. How about this - actually hire good software engineers and pay them what they are worth!





Now to be fair, we’re just in the dawn of the age of the electric car. Yes, we poke fun at Tesla and specifically the Cybertruck because they’re easy targets, and their owner Elon Musk is a mentally deranged psychopath who’s out for absolute power. But those feeling aside, now that the Tesla Cybertruck is out on the road, it’s getting some absolutely crazy reactions from owners, non-owners, and people who just want to mock the ever-loving shit out of it. Which is exactly what we’re doing here, mocking the shit out of it. Even seeing one up close on the road last night, I couldn’t help but notice just how half-assed it is put together. Like even most Lego sets are designed and built so they’re flushed together and it looks natural. The Cybertruck on the other hand doesn’t even look like that. And this is a $100K vehicle we’re talking about here.





No, there’s not going to be any fire any time soon. But think about this – the people who are set on buying the Cybertruck basically have their minds made up already. And while the “truck” that looks loke a dumpster, chances are that nobody will be setting them on fire. Though there’s plenty that have been in accidents, had things broken, or simply failed. In fact, considering there’s entire subreddits dedicated to the insanity that is the Cybertruck, you’ve probably seen all the stories of the colossal and spectacular failure that it is. In fact, the Cybertruck may beat out the time tested Pontiac Aztek for the most ridiculous vehicle on four wheels in human history. And when you consider the quickest bricked Cybertruck ever, we’re only going to be seeing more of those stories as time goes on!






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, since the unfortunate selection of the unholy, ungodly Dark One to the highest office in the land, we can’t help but wonder what the end game is for Christian nationalism. Well, we kind of have an idea, but it’s an extremely scary thought and we’re definitely not going there! After all, this is a family show and we try to air on the lighter side of Christianity and religion in general, not the dark kind. But one of the Dark One’s unholy minions who we’ve been trying to dissect is Pete Hegseth. Yes, the one who the unholy Dark One has been tapping to lead the US military and be this nightmare administration’s “border czar”. Of course, he doesn’t worship GAWD or JAYSUS, no. He worships the unholy, ungodly Dark One! Yes, even though he will be the current leader of what’s left of the free world, I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! But like most people connected to his unholiness, ruiner of all things good and decent, he has a few skeletons in his closet. Most notably his literal NAZI ideology concerning America’s public education. Last we checked, public schools in the US aren’t churches!





Oh yes, my fair congregation! But yes, boo this man. In fact, while we are supposed to be talking about the hostile takeover of government by the church, we can’t help but point out what a truly scary and frightening individual Mr. Hegseth is. And yes, here it is – just two chucklefucks yoking it up over having to protect the leader of the free world. And yes, we do have to share the same oxygen as these psychopaths. But if you ever want a perfect example of someone who was radicalized by propaganda, look no further than this guy. Yes, it’s insane that a literal Nazi and a guy who has a white power symbol tattooed on his chest is such a radical “Christian”. In fact, he gives actual Christians a bad name.





Yeah really, and I cannot say this enough – but fuck that guy and his cause. But of course, we cannot speak ill of the cult! Never, never speak ill of the cult! But remember a couple of weeks ago when I compared their victory celebrations to that of ISIS or the Taliban? Well, if you want to see how a political party morphs into a Taliban or ISIS version of itself, you don’t have to wonder anymore. Because there’s an increasing view on the right that government and church are one in the same, but they really aren’t, in fact, we have this thing called the “United States Constitution” that would prevent such a thing from happening. And these people are scary, they are ruthless, and they are bloodthirsty, and they are coming to a church near you!





And these people should feel bad about themselves. They should experience shame, but they don’t and couldn’t. His Unholiness himself does not experience any shame whatsoever. And his most die hard fans love him for that. But of course, like all good conspiracy theories, it always comes back around to Hitler, doesn’t it? In fact, we have no doubt that his Unholiness will unleash his private army of brownshirts to carry out things that the military wouldn’t do. Unspeakable horrors that we dare not mention! And of course people like our ol’ buddy Joel Webbon are absolutely giddy at the thought of things like this being carried out. Because of course, that speaks more about him and his evil intentions than it does about anything else.






Sigh… yes, his Unholiness is going to wreak some extreme havoc and he hasn’t even taken office yet, 2025 is going to be an insane year! We need a long vacation from this nightmare! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Late Stage Capitalism
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Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents:

“Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.” – Gordon Gekko, Wall St. (1987)

When corporate profits are at an all time high, there is nowhere else to go but to make more millions.

There is corporate greed, and then there is:



Gamers are a competitive bunch and one of the more easily swindled and manipulated groups in the realm of capitalism. Particularly in PC gaming, where the hardware that is used can cost more than the next guy’s hardware if has the label “gamer” attached to it. Gaming Youtube channels are well aware of this evil practice. For instance – this motherboard by MSI – the MAG Tomahawk X860, retails for around $299. Whereas, the gaming equivalent – the Asus ROG X860, retails for nearly $500. And then you’re just paying for the name. One company in particular this week has come under fire for manipulating gamers with a deceptively evil practice. That company is NZXT. Recently, the Youtube channel “Gamer’s Nexus” discovered that there’s something sinister afoot about NZXT’s “rent to own” PC scam. In fact, rent to own PCs are common because PCs – one part in particular of PCs being the graphics processing unit, or GPU, being ridiculously expensive. Which is why this process exists. But in fact, if you’re a gamer and you want to buy a new PC, or you’re even considering the rental agreement, then you should probably at least do some research before you click the buy button. There’s a lot of predatory scams out there, and this may be one of the most predatory we’ve seen in a while.





So if you want to buy a new PC through this arrangement, you have to be aware that the entry level costs are $59 a month for the low end tier PC with an i5 and a low end 3050 GPU, while the high end is $259 a month with an Intel i9, 32GB of RAM, and a 4090 GPU. There is one thing that both of these things have in common: you cannot cancel your subscription. That’s right – you’ll be paying that $59 a month from here to eternity and canceling it is apparently the stuff of nightmares. And by the time you could pay all your monthly payments, you could have bought and built a new PC yourself. But NZXT isn’t the only rental scam that you will soon see.





Yes, they get the whole pie and we get to fight over what’s left of the crumbs, that’s late stage capitalism in a nutshell. But even after being called out for their predatory practices, they still came back with the lamest corporate BS response possible. But the fact that you can’t cancel your subscription once you hit the “buy” button means you’re stuck with a low end PC that could potentially light your house on fire due to its’ shoddy components. And that’s something that nobody wants, and of course, it’s in that terms of service agreement that you probably didn’t read when you signed up for the thing in the first place. But you did it anyways! Now nod your head and say “d’oh”! But this is the kind of thing that screws over gamers in the long run.





Gee, you think, Cartman? Don’t think that this controversy isn’t going away anytime soon. But since the advent of PC gaming, gamers are one group of consumers that constantly get played for chumps by predatory manufacturers. Because they think that gamers will buy anything no matter how bad it is if you slap the “gaming” label on it. Just because NZXT admitted that they screwed up doesn’t mean that they are out of the woods just yet. At least they’re taking action now to prevent future damage, but that doesn’t mean that the damage has already been done. It’s great to see channels like Gamers Nexus that are standing up to the predatory corporations out there and looking out for the little guy.






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts, after all! Folks, this week, the plight of the internet conspiracy theorist and their beverage of choice continues to get weirder and weirder. I’m of course talking about the production and consumption of the unpasteurized cocktail known as raw milk. Yes, raw milk is the hot beverage of choice among the hardcore MAGA faithful and the most die-hard internet conspiracy theorists.. Last week, we talked about how the largest purveyor of it in California, Raw Farms, got shut down and recalled for it. This week – it’s been widely known that the current strain of Avian Flu – aka H5N1 – has jumped to cows. If you remember your terminology from the COVID days, that’s what is called a “zoonotic” virus. Look, people, just don’t drink this shit. No matter what, bird flu or not, it’s bad for you!





Yeah so think about this – raw milk is bad for you, you shouldn’t drink it. But that won’t stop the “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me” party. They’re going to drink this shit whether it contains poison or not, because it’s all about owning us! But the plot twist – H5N1 hasn’t just been detected in cows in California. It’s been detected in cows ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. And never mind what science is saying about H5N1 being one mutation away from being able to jump to humans more easily – MAGA would rather ban scientists and the FDA and USDA. Yeah so when the USDA is requiring bulk testing to find bird flu, that should be an indicator that you shouldn’t be drinking this shit! After all – more people drinking, more people catching the virus, more chances for the virus to mutate. It’s virology 101, people!





You know, here’s the thing – this shit is bad for you. Don’t drink it! And the guy with the literal worm in his brain – RFK Jr – is not someone who you should listen to on the subject of public health. Yes, the so-called “wellness industry” – is rife with scammers. But here’s one thing we know about raw milk is that you shouldn’t buy it under any circumstances. Just don’t! Don’t listen to so-called “wellness influencers” because a good majority of them simply do not know what they are talking about! And when the words “pretty spooky” appear in an official report, that’s when you should be alarmed. But the alarm that would trigger MAGA into thinking that something’s wrong just flat out does not exit in these unhinged lunatics. They’d just assume ban and defund the inspectors rather than the substance itself. Which is why we can’t have nice things in this country.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone! I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course, you know the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we’re drinking, we talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because I don’t if you’ve noticed or not, but there’s some really dark shit in the news right now, and this is our first one since the election. No, no politics at the bar! Only rules we got in this bar – no fighting, no cussing, and no politics! Some mild swearing is allowed, but only if it’s not at someone. And my sober brothers and sisters, don’t worry – we got you covered too! Just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea or energy drink and come get wired with us! Well, this week, we’re getting into the holiday spirit, as you know, every year, the Hallmark Corporation drops a shit ton of their wildly and inexplicably popular Christmas movies. But this year – one has not only stood out from above the pack, it’s created an entirely new genre of cinema. I’m of course talking about the new Netflix phenomenon Hot Frosty – it’s about a woman who builds a snowman and wishes for it to turn into a hot dude, and it does. So tell me, bartender, what goes well with a movie about a snowman dude? The Hot Frosty cocktail? What’s in that? Do I dare ask what the secret ingredient is? No thanks, I’ll just stick with my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it the Double Jack! Now of course, the idea behind Hot Frosty isn’t anything new – it’s long been a staple of holiday movies. But this is a very new and interesting trend in Hollywood among holiday films, something that genre has very badly needed for a long time.





So… basically Terminator but with snow? Well, there’s much more to Hot Frosty than meets the eye – in fact it’s more than the “inanimate object becomes human who learns how to do human things” cliché that we’ve seen time and time again in movies. In fact there’s a lot more depth to Hot Frosty than meets the eye, which is what makes it one of the more popular movies this festive season. So there is a lot to like about Hot Frosty. Even Ryan Reynolds – Deadpool himself – got in on the Hot Frosty action, by dedicating a commercial from one of his 100,000 business ventures that he owns – Mint Mobile, so yeah it's fun when celebrities get in on it!





That will get you through the winter! Now of course, with every popular movie there always has to be someone coming out on social media and saying something stupid. Like come on… the plot of the movie is about a snowman who becomes human and experiences human things for the first time! So of course someone who didn’t exist yesterday is going to have some feelings! But come on, do people really care what some random user on the Xitter says? Like, seriously, that IS THE PLOT OF THE MOVIE is that he’s learning out that humans go through these things for the first time! Sheesh, I bet this guy is fun at parties, am I right?





Yeah now that’s what I’m talking about! Now with any inevitable hit, comes of course, the sequel talk and Hot Frosty hasn’t even been out for two weeks! So what’s Hot Frosty 2 going to entail? Well there’s plenty of speculation going around. But one thing we can assure you is that Hannibal Lecter himself, Sir Anthony Hopkins, is a bit of a Christmas movie buff. And he’s a fellow Netflix star with his new movie “Mary”, which Netflix is billing as a Christmas movie, but it really doesn’t have anything to do with Christmas. That’s like advertising McDonalds fries only to replace them with chicken. But yes, he definitely wants a piece of that Hot Frosty action! That came out wrong… or did it? Either way, the hype-o-meter definitely isn’t dying down anytime soon. But he definitely wants a piece of that hot sequel action!





Oh by the way, I want to say this is our last trip to the bar for a while. So until we reopen in the spring, I want to say thanks for hanging out and drinking with us!




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[font size="8"] Road To The White House 2024
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Welcome back to our segment that puts all of our post-election coverage in one place – Road To The Shithouse! Yeah we have to face reality that he’s back in the White House. Fuck. Well, this week – we have to talk about the headlines. Of course you know that the two that are currently dominating the headlines this week are Fuckface’s pick to be his “border czar” and head of the US military – Pete Hegseth. Yes, he’s nominating a literal neo Nazi and Christian nationalist extremist to be in charge of the US military. And of course we cannot forget about Elon Musk and his deranged “Department Of Government Effiency”, which, fuck that stupid department and its’ stupid logo! But this week, we have to talk about one of the hallmarks of Fuckface’s campaign – his promise to completely eliminate the Department Of Education. Conservatives, and in particular, Fox News, have been long waging war on education. But could this administration finally be the one to eliminate the bureaucracy? Well, he could… or he could not. And if he doesn’t, well, he’s gonna have to face both of his bosses – Rupert Murdoch and Vladimir Putin – to explain why the plans didn’t go through. As we all know, he claims the government works with the swipe of a pen with his executive orders like he did the last time around, but some of his more extreme promises might not be workable after all. Which would mean that most of his promises are just that – promises.





Totally insane that the stupidest among us could be the ones to eliminate the DOE. And by the way, parents of special needs and autistic children who voted for Fuckface – what are you going to do when the fucking asshole eliminates the DOE and weaponizes the government against your local public schools? Bet you didn’t think that one through, did you? And who needs critical thinking when you can just let Fox News dictate your thoughts for you? It’s truly insane that in one minute, Fuckface and MAGA are saying that should have unlimited power with no oversight (what could go wrong there?) and on the other hand, they say they want a “constitutional restoration” and the US Constitution prohibits those kinds of things from happening. Which is it? Pick a lane. But of course, Fuckface hasn’t just backed off on his threats – he’s doubled down.





Seriously…. Why???? How did the stupidest among us get so much power? It’s truly insane all of the possibilities that could happen should Fuckface make good on his threat to eliminate the DOE. But a lot of that could be resolved through expanded executive power. Which is insane because absolutely NONE of this mattered before he became president. And one thing we’ve covered on this program is how weird, insane and fucking creepy their obsession with children is. So would eliminating the DOE be beneficial to children? No, it would be beneficial to those who want to privatize school and dictate what our children learn, whether it’s history, biology, or anything else that they might want to fuck with, because right wingers are never satisfied with leaving anything alone and they are becoming increasingly rabid about what conforms to their every being.





The taxes! The finger thing means the taxes! Well, here’s the thing – since the advent of Rush Limbaugh and Fox News, right wingers cannot and will not leave education alone. And it’s been coming to an absolute peak of stupidity since the COVID-19 pandemic. Conservatives have been fucking with education for so long that we literally have the least informed electorate in United States history coming from the results of the 2024 election. This America First bullshit is going to get a lot of people killed, and this only because Fuckface and his goons have their middle finger aimed squarely at the pulse of the United States. But one thing we do *NOT* need under any circumstances is a “Kid First” policy because that would basically be a step away from teaching kids to be Hitler Youth.






[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Duran Duran[/font]

Folks, my next guest has a great new album out called Danse Macabre. You can see them live Dec. 29th/30th at Fontainebleau in Las Vegas and Jan 2nd /3rd at the Yaamava Theater in Highland, CA. Playing the title track from the album, give it up for Duran Duran!



Thank you UCLA! It’s great to be back home after this ridiculously long year of touring! We’re back at the home base next week for our big sendoff and fuck you to the year 2024!

See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Duran Duran Appears Courtesy Of: BMG Rights Management
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Geffen Playhouse At University Of California, Los Angeles, Westwood, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
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HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon at: Top10ConIdiots@mstdn.party
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

December 5, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-15: Wheel Of Corruption: Frozen Empire Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-15: Wheel Of Corruption: Frozen Empire Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! What’s up Syracuse, how you guys doing? Sold us out again! You guys doing fucking good? Great! So we’ve only got 3 more Top 10s before the end of the year and our planned extended hiatus. Because like I keep saying, we got to take a break, because this stupid election cycle nearly brought us to the breaking point and it had the worst possible outcome of any election in United States history. One party rule. We’re venturing into uncharted territory here. But we’re taking a break for a while because we definitely need to get our heads straight. Hopefully we still have a country when we come back from our long slumber, but who knows if that’s going to happen? Ugh… this is a totally fucked up situation this country got itself into and it's only going to get worse. So we’ve got just two more Top 10s before our long break with our last being our famous year end round up, and we can’t wait to blow up this shitty year and send it packing into the dustbin of history! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! And trust us, we’re going to go into great detail on this subject next week, but we’ve got to talk about Hallmark movies. Some people are obsessed with these fucking things. But none have been the topic of discussion more than one movie that’s been released this year – Hot Frosty. Yes, Hot Frosty is a Hallmark movie made for Netflix about a woman, played by Lacey Chabert, who brings a snowman to life, who inexplicably takes the form of a Chippendale’s dancer. And this movie is a phenomenon. It’s insane what this movie has inspired. And of course, if you don’t have ridiculous merchandise, it doesn’t exist, right? Well, yeah in the spite of all the weirdness going on around the world, why not give it some Christmas cheer? Come on, ho ho ho, right ladies? OK before that gets weird, enough of the intro! We have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first – Stephen Colbert gives his insight on the Hunter Biden pardon:



Come on, kids! Say it with me! It’s time for the WHEEL OF CORRUPTION! YAY!!!! So where do we begin this week? In the number one slot, is Fox News (1). I’m sure by now you’ve all heard the brew ha ha with Hunter Biden finally being pardoned by his dad, and yes it’s causing both the MAGA and Fox world to seethe with anger. Keep seething, assholes! In the second slot this week is of course incoming president Orange Fuckface (2) and this week – while he’s waving his tariffs around in the same way a terrorist or mass shooter would wave around their AK-47s, the president of Mexico quietly put an end to his idiocy, but that won’t stop him. Nothing will stop him. In the third slot this week, speaking of tariffs (3), we need to do some edumacation! Yes, because just like last time when we gave you some fuel for your Thanksgiving dinner conversations, this week, we have to have a discussion about what Fuckface’s insane tariffs are going to do to not just the US economy, but the world economy. And well, none of it is good! Taking the fourth slot this week is Nancy Mace (4). Yes, the worst House in United States history - Fox News sponsored MAGA Qongress, got back to work and it’s great to see that Mike Johnson is getting back to the things that matter – banning trans people from using the proper bathroom. And none were more triggered by it than Nancy Mace – who showed full on mental illness in this process. This country is losing its’ damn mind. In the number 5 slot this week is a new We’re All Gonna Die (5) and what’s going to kill us all this week? Nuclear weapons! And the Moscow mad man himself – Vladimir Putin – has made good on his threat to produce “the deadliest weapon”. So what is it? There is of course only one way to find out! In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6), and this week, with the selection of the Unholy Dark One to his position on the throne (yes, that’s a poop joke), comes with him the return of a most unwelcome group of people – the Prophets! Yes, the MAGA prophets are back and crazier than ever, and we’ll tell you some of their more insane prophecies! In the number 7 slot this week is a new “This Fucking Guy” (7) and this week, we’re profiling former Fox News host and current probably convicted felon who’s the newest member of Fuckface’s cabinet from hell – Pete Hegseth in a new “This Fucking Guy”! Taking the number 8 slot this week is of course our weekly venture into the never-ending void of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week – the state of California shut down a producer of the drink that is drawing in MAGA conservatives – raw milk, and well, if you are even thinking about indulging in a glass at this point, you’re truly beyond help. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have a new I Need A Drink (9) and this week, it’s December, which means that time of year, which means the return of everyone’s favorite Christmas themed convention, SantaCon! But this year, there’s a twist! The jollier-than-thou crowd was traditionally confined to the space of New York City, but it’s branching out all over America! No one is safe from this hard-drinking, hard-partying group of Santas! Finally this week in our ongoing election coverage in Road To The Shithouse (10), we have to talk about the issue that may have steered folks to vote for Fuckface – the trans bathroom issue. And no, media, we didn’t get it wrong, they unleashed a firestorm of hatred. And unfortunately, that’s what the United States is in 2024, and it’s really scary! Finally, to top things off, we have some live music from the great Foster The People! Buy their new album “Paradise State Of Mind” or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Fox News
[br] [/font] [br]

Come on, everyone! Say it with me! it’s time for the WHEEL. OF. CORRUPTION! Yay!!!!



Of course you know the rules by now – I spin the wheel and we have to talk about whatever the subject it lands on. Of course if it lands on the guacamole option, you know that it costs $1.50 extra. And the wheel is all new with lots of items on it! I want to preface that we are no longer featuring the A Random Tweet option. Yes, we are actively boycotting content from Elon’s X / Twitter platform. That’s going to be replaced with clips from one of my favorite shows, Curb Your Enthusiasm. So if you see the Larry David option, you know what’s coming! Here’s what is on the wheel this week:

- Guns
- Crime
- Abortion
- Poverty
- Congress
- The Insurrection
- The Economy
- The Democratic National Convention
- Buy A Vowel
- Orange Fuckface
- Midterm Elections
- Clip Without Context
- 5,000
- Nazi Germany
- Fox News
- ‘Merica
- My Pillow
- Bankrupt
- Chance
- Fox News
- Health
- Something Random In The News
- Whammy
- Community Chest
- Death
- Homosexuality
- The US Constitution
- We’re All Gonna Die
- Greed
- Clip Without Context
- Top 10 Investigates
- Beating A Dead Horse
- This Fucking Guy
- Bathrooms
- Intermission
- Holy Shit
- Larry David
- MAGA Cult Cringe
- Double Whammy
- Buy A Vowel
- Conspiracy Corner
- Random Movie Reference
- Guacamole
- 10,000
- People Are Dumb
- I Need A Drink
- Infowars
- Go Directly To Jail
- Random TV Reference
- T-Shirt Cannon
- Infowars
- People Who Somehow Got Elected
- COVID-19
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

Let’s start by giving the wheel a good strong spin, shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… oh hey, one of our patented Clips Without Context!



LMAO! Someone want to tell Patel that the US doesn’t operate under a monarchy and we don’t tolerate that sort of thing? SMDH! Spin it again! And it lands on… Fox News!

Let me ask you something – do you always love it when the bullies get shot down at their own game after making fun of you for so long? I know I do! The term that you’re looking for, I believe, is called “schadenfreude”, which is the German word for taking joy at the suffering of others. So what am I getting at, you might ask? Well, last weekend, Joe Biden put an end to the endless harassment coming from Fox News and MAGA about his embattled son Hunter, by pardoning him, which he should have done before the campaign started. But now that he’s got six weeks left of his term and nothing left to lose, what fucks does President Biden have left to give? None if you ask us! Well, that’s exactly what he did in issuing the pardon. What’s Marjorie Shit For Brains going to do now besides fantasize about Hunter Biden’s dick pics? She might actually have to do her real job for once. Well, needless to say MAGA and everyone who’s drinking the Fox News Kool-Aid is having an absolutely epic meltdown over this pardon and we’re going to just sit back and let the MAGA tears flow freely while they pout over their latest outrage.





Uh…….. fucking what?????????????? Dude, he’s not re-rewriting history here. That’s Fox News’ job to do that! Thank you Syracuse! Well, at least some sanity has prevailed in that former presidents are lining up to give their insight into the pardon. Yes, for those of you lurking, Hunter Biden has a shady history and we’re not passing judgement on that. What we are passing judgment on is that the right judges people on their person. And it’s insane to watch. It’s how utter dogshit people like Marjorie Greene get promoted into positions that they don’t belong in. Imagine if Hunter had been MAGA and saying the shit that they want to hear. Yeah it’s that insane.





So what this does is two things – one, it saves Hunter Biden from the prosecution and persecution from Fox News, MAGA, and of course, Fuckface himself, and you just know that they would find some way to kill everyone they don’t agree with. But of course, with every action, there’s a reaction from the “experts”, who always find a way to pee on the parade. But come on, when Fuckface finds a way to pardon the whole J6 rioters who were arrested for breaking into Congress, the right wing media will be patting themselves on the back. Shit, here’s Paul Manafort and Roger Stone at Mar-A-Shithole holding up their pardons like hunting trophies. So yeah… there are times when you should listen to “experts” and times when you shouldn’t.





Yeah come on, even the judge isn’t buying this shit. But come on, is Biden the one who’s lying? Like Fuckface and his stupid “news” network lie constantly 24 hours a day like it’s a bodily function, and they don’t get called out on it as much as they should. Yeah Biden flip-flops once and Fuckface flip flops like every day on every stupid decision. But how is it we’re the ones who are fighting each other over the subject of pardons? Again, Roger Stone and Paul Manafort held up their pardons like they were hunting trophies. And how is it unconstitutional when it’s literally written in the constitution that the president has pardoning power? Just… it boggles the mind!!!






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[font size="8"]Fuckface Vs Mexico
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin it again! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! Hey it lands on a Get Out Of Jail Free card! I’ll just put that away for later.



Spin it again! Hey it lands on… Orange Fuckface!

We could have told you that Fuckface was going to be a national embarrassment before he was installed back in the White House. But he is six weeks away from taking office and wreaking the havoc that he promised during the campaign. One country though is fighting back. And it’s that one country that he’s been demonizing the last 10 years – our neighbors to the south, Mexico. It’s no secret that the newly elected president of Mexico, Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo, is not a fan of Fuckface or the MAGA fascist verse that’s been destroying democracies around the globe the last 15 years. Anyway, the two have been trading blows lately, and it will be really interesting to see how this develops and with Fuckface’s threatening of mass deportations, we’re not going to expect this relationship to end particularly well for anybody. And we also know that, if you’re not glued into the Fox Ministry Of Propaganda, you know that the numbers regarding immigration over the Mexican border are grossly exaggerated. Which is totally on brand for this crew.





Oh come on, people! Stop your rabbling! Of course, don’t think that this feud between Fuckface and Sheinbaum is over because it’s only just getting started. We can only imagine the sheer havoc he’s going to wreak on Mexico once he gets his precious “day one” like he’s been threatening. Come on, how much damage can one guy do in 24 hours? Oh, trust us, if MAGA makes good on the promises they’re threatening, there’s a hell of a lot of damage they’ll be able to do the first 24 hours! Of course, if you watch Fox for any length of time, you would see that they’re greatly exaggerating and lying their asses off about what really happens at the US – Mexican border. But of course, anything is a win with Fuckface in charge, it’s criminally insane.





Yeah, sorry, but Mexico’s position and the position of the new, fascist United States Of Fox News are two totally different things. But if you watch that POS network for any length of time, you would think that a caravan the size of the population of the greater Los Angeles area was crossing the border every other day. But the reality is – the actual number is a lot smaller than that! However, Mr. Art Of The Deal, aka Orange Fuckface, doesn’t see it that way. He listens to the worst people on earth and surrounds himself with the worst people on earth. He could be using his platform for good, but instead, he uses it for pure fucking evil. And of course, if you watch Fox News for any length of time, you probably wouldn’t be sitting in our audience right now.






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[font size="8"]The Tariffs
[br] [/font] [br]

Spin it to win it! And it lands on… come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! Ah, one of our patented Clips Without Context!



Uh… dude, this guy wants to lead the fucking UNITED STATES MILITARY! Of course he’s going to be vetted, because the GOP does not own the White House no matter how much they like to think and are convinced they do. SMDH. Fuck these people. Spin it again! And it lands on… the economy!

Last week was Black Friday, and this Black Friday had an extremely different tone from previous Black Fridays. And that is because we could be looking at a whole new economic landscape in January when Orange Fuckface takes over. One of the things he’s been threatening to implement on “day one” is some rather high tariffs against countries that he hates – China, Canada, and Mexico, among others. Never mind that we’re in a global economy and that PC and phone you’re using, or that car you’re driving, or that new kitchen appliance you’re installing might contain parts sourced all over the world. But these tariffs that Fuckface is proposing will have MASSIVE implications and will impact supply chains all over the world. But hey, America first, right? That’s what you voted for. Don’t get me started on that bullshit because I could spend hours on it. But hey, right before the election, people were complaining about the price of groceries and gas. This week? Headlines about how we’ve had the best Black Friday ever and record Thanksgiving travel. Now let’s let the reality of that consumer dopamine rush you got from your Black Friday purchases set in.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! You know, we used to give George Bush a hard time about his policies, but they weren’t dangerous and reckless like Fuckface’s are. And he wasn’t a sadistic and vindictive asshole like Fuckface and his goons are. But if he made good on these threats like he’s promising, and Elon’s DOGE eliminated the Fed, the FTC, and the SEC, we could be looking at an economic crisis not seen in human history. This would be a DEPRESSION level crisis. And these goons will stop at nothing to enact their evil agenda. It’s an absolute recipe for disaster. Let’s look at cars for instance. Do you like driving foreign brands like BMW, Subaru, Kia, Toyota, Honda? Well guess what – you will be paying big time for them.





Damn right! But by the way – for those of you who are panic buying things like monitors, laptops, phones, and PC hardware – take a deep breath and chill out. Yes, it will get more expensive when these things kick in. But there’s going to be a lot of channels and hurdles that he’s going to have to jump through before these could be implemented. It won’t happen magically on day one through an executive order like they are threatening. Because again, we’re dealing with a group of people who don’t know or give a shit how the government works. They only know what they hear from TV news and it perpetually angers them.





Well, duh! We could spend all day talking about how fucking evil all of this tariff shit is and how bad it’s going to fuck up the American economy for a generation or two. But let’s let an actual retail chain describe how it’s going to work for you. For all of you MAGA voters who are just now Googling “are tariffs bad?”, we can answer that question for you: YES THEY ARE BAD and they’re going to get that much fucking worse! This is an idea that should have never been floated in the first place, let alone to the worst president in American history and his billionaire sidekick! And come on, it’s going to affect the mad man of Tesla too. Because his electronics in his electric vehicles will be that much more expensive, not that he cares about that sort of thing!






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[font size="8"]Nancy Mace
[br] [/font] [br]

Spin the wheel! Come on, no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! And it lands on the guacamole option! Come on out here, Ernesto! Ernesto is of course our sous chef here at the Top 10 and like most good chefs, we found him working in the back of a Chipotle while we were getting some burritos. Ernesto is going to prepare our tableside guacamole which I will be eating through the duration of this program. Here’s your $2, Ernesto! All right, look at that!



Spin it again! And it lands on… bathrooms!

You know, back in the early days of the Top 10, we had a running segment called “The Bathroom Police” detailing harassment of trans people in bathrooms. We may have to bring it back. Now that the dust has settled from the worst election in United States history has settled, the worst House in United States history can get back to work wreaking the havoc that it was designed to do, in order to please a batshit insane news network owner because it’s good for ratings. While the economy was but one issue plaguing the electorate, the real issue that put Fuckface back in the White House has once again reared its’ ugly head – the trans bathroom / sports issue. And while the next iteration of the Fox News MAGA Qongress takes shape, one member in particular is being singled out. That rep is incoming freshman representative Sarah McBride. Why is she being singled out? That’s because Rep. McBride (D – Delaware) is America’s first transgender Congressperson. She’s being targeted by South Carolina rep Nancy Mace (Q – Batshit). And Mace has gone increasingly insane, introducing a series of bills aimed at the incoming representative. But this isn’t just mere insanity, it’s full mental illness on display. But then again, that’s the kind of person who Orange Fuckface attracts to his cause, and none of this will end particularly well.





Gee, why are we not surprised that Marjorie Shit For Brains chimed in on this? With those two idiots at the helm, it can only go downhill from there, right? Of course it can, and the words “attention fiend” come to mind, because that’s exactly what Rep. Mace is doing. She’s all in on the “look at me” crap because she’s definitely trying to get attention from Fuckface as fast as possible. For something… we don’t know what, exactly. What is Nancy Mace trying to get attention for? Let us know in the comments section! In fact in case you’re wondering, actual trans people aren’t having any of Rep. Mace’s shenanigans. So yeah, keep going there, MAGA Qongress! It won’t end well for you!





Yeah, with those two idiots, what could possibly go wrong? Well, the obvious answer is everything could go wrong and then some. Especially with a case involving trans issues going before the Supreme Court this next week, a hell of a lot could go wrong. But Nancy Mace is clearly not helping her case, and is showing the world what a total fucking idiot she is. And of course, like everything connected to the MAGA camp, the merchandise is available! Yes, they can’t stop hawking products or filing frivolous lawsuits. And we all know that one of those is coming! Yes, in fact, even her interns are concerned that it's all just a ploy to get on Fox News. Well, duh! Where have you been the last 8 years?





Yeah there won’t be enough tequila to get me through this abomination of an administration! And before anyone asks, no, this has not made my job easier! In fact, it’s made it that much fucking worse than it’s ever been! There’s too much stupidity to keep up with! Nancy Mace certainly isn’t helping things at all. But hey, merchandising, merchandising! That’s where the real money from the hate crime is made, right? And yes, this anti-trans hatred that’s sweeping the nation is, by definition, a hate crime and we will let it be known! In fact, we may need to have a talk on where this hatred is heading relatively soon.






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
[br] [/font] [br]

Now entering the spin cycle! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! No, a Whammy!!!







Hey everyone, guess what? We’re all gonna die! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WOOOOO. WOO. WOO. So what’s going to kill us all, this week, you might ask? Why it’s the premiere Russian warlord himself, Vladimir Putin! Yes, what’s big daddy Vladdy up to, you might ask? Well, he’s made good on his threat to bypass a decades old treaty and begin producing what he calls “the deadliest nuke”. Ooh, big threat from such a small, pathetic, petty man! But does anyone remember like 10 years ago when he tried to launch that rocket called Satan I that was a really pathetic attempt at making him seem like he was more powerful than he actually was? And then it turned out to be a huge dud? Yeah we remember that. But the way the media is hyping up Satan II, it seems like he may have learned a thing or two from that last disaster. But considering the fact that he’s most likely propping up the Tesla mad man himself, Elon Musk, it seems like ol’ Pooty has his work cut out for him!







Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… remember that scene from The Dictator where they’re arguing about rocket size vs efficiency? It’s kind of like that. But yeah, we’re making fun of Putin’s ability to launch nukes with global impact. And it could have serious repercussions – like humanity ending repercussions. All because one guy wants to be supreme overlord of earth. But the question of whether or not Mother Russia could launch nukes remains a mystery. In fact, while nearly every single country around the world has some sort of treaty involving the use of nuclear weapons, Russia is the only one with its’ own set of rules regarding the use of nuclear weapons! Yeah, how fucked up does your country have to be in order to impose its’ own set of rules on itself so they don’t launch nukes? How itchy is your trigger finger, Pooty?





So yeah here’s the thing you need to know about premiere Russian warlord Vladimir Putin. 1 is that he’s completely deranged. 2. He’s completely drunk with power and out of control. 3. He’s out for total world domination. Combine all three of those ingredients together and you have one extremely toxic cocktail ripe for destruction. The question now is what could happen if the Moscow mad man actually makes good on his threat? Yes, we know he has nukes, but we also know that Russia’s manufacturing capabilities are currently janky as fuck. We also know that he does plan to ready Satan II as fast as possible to use on his enemies in his ongoing illegal occupation and invasion of Ukraine. Truthfully, none of this is good!





No, dude, we’re not going to die just yet. But what could happen if Russia were to actually launch nukes against the west? For one thing, our program would cease to exist. But so would most of California and the entire west coast. And that’s not a good thing because well over ½ of the population of the United States lives here. In fact, what you may not know is that ol’ Pooty actually threatened to launch nukes against Ukraine that there were meetings held over the fallout that the capital of Kiev could have taken over it. That is some fucking truly frightening shit. And of course, you can’t keep a good warlord out for world domination down. In fact, Russia’s latest missiles could very well take out some western targets and we’d better be prepared for it. Remember the movie Don’t Look Up? We could be very well living that scenario.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit


[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin it to win it! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! Oh hey it’s time for another one of our patented Clips Without Context!



Yeah… fuck you Steve Bannon, may you never get your wish! And you should be rotting in prison. I miss the days when that troglodyte wasn’t polluting my social feeds. Oh well. Spin it again! Hey, it’s time for Holy Shit!

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, we live in a very strange time right now, and of course we were all shocked and disappointed that the unholy Dark One is going to once again ascend to the throne. Well, back in the early days of the Dark One’s first abomination of an administration, we used to talk about the prophetic movement unfolding within his inexplicable fandom. We’ve played the clips throughout the years. And after studying this bizarre cult within a cult, there is one thing we can definitely tell you – these people are fucking deranged! Because they don’t worship GAWD or JAYSUS, no, no, no! They worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man who is so foul, so depraved and disgusting, that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! Yes, even if he’s going to be our leader again, no, I won’t allow it! But here’s the thing, my fair congregation – do you know exactly how we got here? Well, it was nearly 50 years of combining televangelism with GOP politics to tie modern Christianity into some sort of warped QVC cult of personality. And well, its’ been truly insane to watch, especially in the last few weeks!





That’s the weird thing about this, is that these so-called “prophets” have made an entire religion out of worshipping his Unholiness, the ruiner of all things good and decent. So why are they doing this? Well, because they can. And also, because of the internet. The internet does strange things to people. And of course, it has modern evangelical ministers worried. Really? They’re worried? They helped create this nonsense by voting for him and encouraging to vote for him. But also the idea that the president is a GAWD is so damn weird and insane. Stop it with this nonsense already! The president is not, nor will ever be GAWD!





You know, here’s what we don’t get – PEOPLE LISTEN TO THIS GARBAGE!!! How can someone not look at someone who claims to be a “prophet” for the unholy Dark One, and not think “Wow, that person is a fucking lunatic!”. Well, if you are that type of person, you wouldn’t be in my audience or my congregation to begin with! But, my fair congregation, rest assured to know that this is a uniquely American thing. Remember, we are the generation who was born and raised with television as our babysitter. It’s truly insane to watch people think that the unholy Dark One was “anointed by GAWD” when he was in fact, elected. Did anyone else grow up in the 90s? I did, we knew he was horrible back then!





Yes, the prophecies of his Unholiness are weird. And there are many of them. But here’s the thing – these people are public figures, whether they want to be or not. But what’s even weirder is that despite all of their worship of the unholy Dark One, they didn’t donate to his campaign! Yes, his biggest fans didn’t give him a single cent! And you can find this all on an easy Google search. So while they may be convincing the flock to follow his Unholiness off the cliff, they weren’t contributing to him. They were basically just fans in name only! Which, again, is even weirder than if they actually gave him some money for the campaign! I will never understand this line of thinking, ever!





So if anyone tells you that they are a prophet for the Dark One, run! The other way as fast as you possibly can! Save yourselves before it’s too late! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Pete Hegseth
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Let’s spin the wheel, shall we? Wheel goes round… wheel goes round… wheel goes round… where it stops, nobody knows! And it lands on… intermission! OK, we can take a break. Go on, get a drink, use the bathroom. I’ll sit here and amuse myself by looking at funny videos of dogs on my phone. Ha ha, that dog is sniffing that other dog’s butt! Here’s some music while we wait!



Spin it again! Hey, it’s time for This Fucking Guy!



This week’s This Fucking Guy is former Fox News correspondents and current white nationalist shit poster, Pete Hegseth! You might have been hearing his name a lot in the news this week. That’s because Mr. Hegseth has been chosen to be Fuckface’s “border czar”. Yes, the “border czar” – a position that was made up by Fox News, to satisfy a conspiracy theory made up by… Fox News. And yes, they were unsatisfied with having a competent president at the helm and intentionally blew up a bi-partisan border bill that would have ended this conspiracy, otherwise that would have given President Biden a win. They’re still big mad that Fuckface wasn’t president between 2020 – 2024, because that fucked up their plans to go full Nazi. Don’t believe me that they’re going to go full Nazi? This fucking guy who is going to be their new “border czar” has a literal WHITE POWER symbol tattooed on his chest! Can we show that please? Yeah what the absolute fuck!!! He’s such an abusive jerk that even his own mother has called him an abusive jerk. And no, we’re not making this up, either. In fact that was the first thing that came up when we Googled “Pete Hegseth”.



Of course they will! If there’s one underlying theme about the MAGA party, it’s that they don’t like being told what to do. In fact, they are the real “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me” party. But of course, they can’t just be satisfied with just one allegation. Nope, not with this crowd. And I fully expect Fox News to pull the same Brett Kavanaugh “we made him cry!!!” bullshit that they did back when that was going on. Holy shit. But MAGA, do you know why we made him cry? Because he’s a fucking REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER!!! They should cry! But nope, you guys went and voted for Fuckface and now he’s stacking his cabinet with REGISTERED SEX OFFENDERS! Ugh!





Damn right!!! Of course he is pure evil. It’s pretty much par for the course for this new abomination of an administration. And the more you go down the rabbit hole on this guy, the worse it gets. And in fact, you know you’re an abusive POS when you get called out by your Fox colleagues for being an abusive POS, and it showed. But come on, Kamala can’t have a glass of wine around children? Yet, you want this fucking guy to round up “illegal” immigrants and put them in concentration camps? Really, it couldn’t possibly get any worse than this guy. And again, like I said, the more you dig into it and go down the wormhole, the worse it gets!





Gee, you think? And is anyone else starting to wonder if Fuckface is intentionally nominating these psychopaths as a smoke screen to distract the public when he nominates even scarier people to be in his cabinet once he takes office? Because that is what it seems like. In fact, new allegations may be coming before the end of this segment! You don’t know! But the questions about whether or not Mr. Hegseth is fit to serve are growing. OF COURSE YOU KNOW DAMN WELL HE FUCKING ISN’T! In fact, none of the clowns that Fuckface has nominated aren’t. If you want to see how scary Mr. Hegseth’s views are, check out what he says about [link: https://www.peoplefor.org/rightwingwatch/pete-hegseths-plan-create-christian-nationalist-educational-insurgency | education], which we covered last week. But he’s too extreme for Newsmax! Newsmax! The pro-Fuckface 24 hour ass kissing network! When you’re too extreme for them, that’s pretty fucking extreme!



So will he get confirmed? Probably not. That’s Fox News correspondent and white nationalist supremacist Pete Hegseth, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Come on, now entering the spin zone! And it lands on… come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP!!! Oh it’s another one of our patented Clips Without Context!



Their obsession with this shit is weird AF, and hey look, another program I won’t watch! Spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for Conspiracy Corner!



Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts, after all! This week, we have to talk about raw milk again. Yes, the concoction heavily peddled by Mr. Brain Worm himself, RFK Jr, is back in the news again, and it looks like the peddlers of this substance are going to be facing some very stiff punishments. The problem? Well, it looks like avian flu – the current strain known as H5N1 – has jumped to cows. See, if your remember your terminology from the COVID days, this is what’s called a “zoonotic” virus. Meaning that it can jump between species. So why is this a bad thing? Because recent studies have shown that if you drink raw milk, you’re far more likely to catch H5N1 than if you haven’t. So keep drinking that raw milk, conspiracy theorists! You’ll eventually wind up in the hospital for something you didn’t want!





So the question on the table – should we be encouraging MAGA to drink less raw milk or should we be encouraging them to drink more raw milk? Well, if you remember from the COVID days, the more hosts a virus has, the more likely it is to mutate. And also, as we know, almost everything connected to MAGA is highly suspect. But please, conspiracy theorists – keep indulging in your new cocktail of choice, but don’t be surprised if you get the stomach parasites and intestinal diarrhea that comes with it! Seriously, we’re not surprised that the same crowd that willfully ingests horse diarrhea medication is also the same crowd that drinks raw milk. It really is like we’re living in stupid times, doesn’t it?





Oh come on! You got recalled twice and you’re still “optimistic”? Holy shit. PT Barnum was right about there being a sucker born every minute. Of course, he lived in the 1920s. He never lived to see the MAGA era, though many of us here at the home office suspect he might have voted that way. This is why it’s great to live in California because we are protected from predatory scammers like Raw Farms, though the fact that such a company exists in 2024 is a sad sign of the decline of our society. But even in a state that’s heavily populated by farmers, like Alabama, for instance, where the sale of raw milk is illegal, hardcore MAGA fans, in what seems like an eerie science fiction situation, are going through back door channels to get their fix. It’s literally a “pick your poison” scenario.





You know, here’s where we need some tough parenting here. Look, FDA, you can issue all the warnings and recalls you want. But these are people who not only don’t listen to the experts, they spit in their faces. MAGA are people who don’t like being told what to do. Because, freedom or whatever. And this is exactly what happens when real experts get replaced with quacks. This is the kind of shit you are going to get. We say let’s let MAGA get their intestinal parasites that come with drinking raw milk and when they start overloading our hospital systems, don’t say we didn’t warn you. It will be even crazier when Dr. Oz and RFK Jr take away our healthcare. Bottom line – don’t drink raw milk and don’t listen to idiots who do.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Spin that shit! Come on, no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! What? Go directly to jail? NO!!!!



Wait, I’ve got that Get Out Of Jail free card! Spin it again! And hey it’s time for I Need A Drink!

Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course, you know the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking, we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed out there, but there’s a lot of really dark shit happening right now. So I always feel that the best escape from reality is to crack open a nice cold one, or two, kick back, and take your mind off it for a while! And don’t worry, my sober brothers and sisters, we’ve got you covered! Just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea, or energy drink and come get wired with us! So the story on the table this week – it’s December! Which means the return of Christmas. Which also means the return of everyone’s favorite convention – SantaCon! Yes, SantaCon – these hard drinking, hard partying Santas don’t care whether you’re naughty or nice, they just wanna get hammered! We’ve previously covered SantaCon before in this segment (see: Idiots #11-16 and Idiots #5-23 ). But this year, there’s a plot twist! Previous SantaCons have been limited to the confines of New York City and Long Island. This year – SantaCon is coming to a neighborhood near you! So tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about SantaCon? Candy Cane Martini? What’s in that? Eh… I’ll pass. I’ll take instead my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it the Double Jack. But yes, the jolliest convention of the season is coming to a city near you. Should you be grateful or terrified? Well, from past experience, I’d say little column A, little column B.





Ha ha ha ha… you know things are fucked up when you have to hire lawyers in advance! It’s going to be a massive shit show! Yeah sure, it’s a good cause – at least it looks good on paper. But of course, while the gathering of way too jolly old St. Nicks is spreading its’ wings beyond the confines of their New York City origins, we can’t forget that the OG SantaCon is still the largest and proudest gathering of Santas and also the craziest! But one SantaCon is having some concerns already about this year’s festivities and that’s a city that’s neighboring to New York, Hoboken, New Jersey! Yes, no one is save from these hard drinking Santas!





Don’t think I’ve ever seen a drink ordered that way! But if you do find yourself in Mystic, Connecticut – yes, the home of Mystic Pizza, you too can recreate the legendary bar crawl from The World’s End on SantaCon night! But again, we cannot forget that the original one that started it all – the one in New York City, is the OG and the largest! So what’s it going to be like this year? Well, you can expect that the Santas will either be naughty or nice depending on how much they’ve had to drink. And like previous SantaCons, you can bet that Santa will be passed out on the LIRR on their way back home, so it will be fun being the rail conductors and security on that night!





Yeah that’s pretty much what it’s going to be like! But some good news is that the LIRR – embarrassed by past SantaCons, is laying the smack down on this year’s festivities. In fact, the New York police know these Santas aren’t exactly going to be nice. But if the Con comes to your neck of the woods, be prepared to know that these Santas, once they get some booze in them, aren’t going to give a shit what your kid wants for Christmas. And yes, it may be coming to a city near you! But yes, SantaCon is coming to a city near you. So start getting your Christmas carols in order and preparing your cap for a long winter’s nap! Because Santa’s here again!






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[font size="8"] Road To The Shithouse
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Let’s spin the wheel a final time this week! And it lands on… T-Shirt Cannon!!! Yes, everyone in our fine audience tonight here in Syracuse will get our new No Fascist USA shirt and our Road To The Shithouse logo on it! But I can’t distribute all these t-shirts by myself. In fact, let’s go out to the beautiful brand new Intuit Dome stadium in Inglewood, California, to show you the craziest high-tech t-shirt cannon that’s ever been constructed!



Spin it again! And it lands on… ugh, Road To The Shithouse. Yes, fuck that guy. Ugh.



Welcome back to our segment that puts all of our post-election coverage in one place – Road To The Shithouse! Yes, we have to face reality that Fuckface is going to be inaugurated on January 20th and he is going to have unleashed both his inner asshole and his middle finger at America and particularly those who he wants to see prosecuted for not giving the deranged cult exactly what they wanted on January 6th, 2021. But we’ll save that for next week. This week though, we have to have a frank discussion about the one issue that may have tipped the election in favor of Orange Fuckface. And that is the trans bathroom issue. Yes, that issue. There’s one thing that democrats always underestimate in any given election – is that if the GOP runs on an issue of hate, they win every single time. The 2024 election is no exception to this rule. Orange Fuckface ran on pure hatred and malice. And no surprise, it worked for him big time. But we democrats need to have a frank and brutal discussion about why the GOP keeps winning on hate even though it’s 2024 and we should be in the post-hate world. But nope, it’s still there, it works, and right now it’s a very profitable business.





All right, people, look. Can we take a step back, take a deep breath, and collectively pull our heads out of each other’s asses for a minute here? Look, there’s a case going before SCOTUS next week that could have GRAVE implications on the future of trans rights in this country, and knowing how the worst SCOTUS in US history is going to rule, we can imagine that things aren’t going to be good. In fact, this worthless fucking asshole Matt Walsh said that he wants trans rights gone from the planet. That’s literal genocide that he’s referring to! Why are we approaching these Nazi fuckheads with kid gloves on? They want literal genocide! It’s boggling the fucking mind!





Come on, even Batman is facepalming this shit! You probably saw those disgusting ads airing on late night TV or during your football / baseball game of choice and you were probably seething at those disgusting ads for Fuckface airing on TV every single night. Well, guess what? They want you to seethe at this shit. Remember – MAGA voted for Fuckface out of pure spite, malice and hatred for half of the country that voted for Joe Biden over him. But come on, how are the democrats out of step on the culture war? Have you seen Fuckface’s playlist? Have you seen the shitty food he serves? And his supporters are drinking raw milk! But yeah, it’s the democrats who are out of touch. WTF. Well, expect this shit to get worse as we lead up to the 2026 midterms – assuming all elections haven’t been suspended by then.





Yeah come on! Why don’t we ask actual trans people what they think about this issue? Like incoming freshman congress WOMAN Sarah McBride? Yeah I thought so. Look, human rights shouldn’t be a footnote on a news network commentary show. They shouldn’t be cannon fodder for elections, having rights should be absolute and something that both parties can agree on. But nope, the right wing has collectively lost their fucking minds in this country and this is what we have to get used to, and what we need to start fighting back on. And with the GOP having one party rule, things are going to get really dark really quickly. Ugh… it just gets worse every single day!






[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Foster The People [/font]

Folks, my next guest has a great new album out called “Paradise State Of Mind”, you can see them on tour this January and February. Playing their song “Lost In Space”, give it up for Foster The People!



Thank you Syracuse! We had a blast in the snow, thanks for braving it with us! We’re back home next week with our penultimate Top 10 of the year live from UCLA! See you next week! But

Credits

Host: Initech
Foster The People appears courtesy of: Atlantic Recording Corporation
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Sheiman Performing Arts Center at Syracuse University, Syracuse, NY
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

November 21, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-14: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-14: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! What’s up Rutgers, sold us out again! And man has it been a white hot minute since we last set foot in the Garden State, hasn’t it? Last time was what? 2018? 6 years! So we didn’t get canceled last week? Phew! The show must go on! And if you didn’t see that spectacle, you can do so here. In case you didn’t know what I’m talking about, last week, we expressed our frustrations at the results of the election. And to do so, we decided to break the F-bomb record set by the Wolf Of Wall Street at 569. And we did it! Now that I got that out of my system, we need to be much more level headed as we wind down the rest of the year and look towards the absolute fucking horror show that’s going to be unfolding the day after the inauguration. Will the United States still be a country then after his first 24 hours? Who knows! Well, we have to talk about the future of our fine program here. Yes, we’ve been doing this program for 8 years and we really did have plans to ride off into the sunset after our upcoming 2024 Year In Review special. Which we were going to do had Harris won the election. But after the election, we considered packing it in ahead of time. But nope, people bought into the Fox News fearmongering bullshit and now we’re stuck with another term of the guy who we’re from now on going to refer to as Orange Fuckface and it’s really, really, really bad. It’s because of this photo here. See? You can’t unsee it! And it’s just been two fucking weeks. But hey, we’ve got cheap gas and our groceries are less expensive and also no trans women in sports. So was it worth turning our country into an authoritarian shit show, MAGA? Let’s see. And yes, Sean Hannity, it’s been two fucking weeks and we’re already that much fucking WORSE off than we were 4 years ago, and this shit show hasn’t even started yet! Well, we’re taking a much needed lengthy hiatus because this election brought us to a breaking point. Mentally and physically, it’s just a time to say “fuck it”. But, that said, we are coming back in April with a new and improved Top 10 that will be much more interactive than our current version! How about that? We can’t let Fuckface get away with this, can we? Yes, it will be insane. And I say… welcome to the burning down of the United States. Grab a seat, grab some popcorn and a beer (or whatever your beverage of choice is) and enjoy the show! OK, enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to! But first, John Oliver is back and he talks about one of the biggest talking points of the Fuckface campaign: the banning of Tik Tok, which is completely and grossly unconstitutional. Fuck this administration!:



So where do we begin this week? Well, as you can imagine, the election has given us a metric fuck ton of material to work with. And before anyone asks if that’s made our jobs easier, we can instantly reply with “No, it’s made it that much FUCKING worse.”. By the way, from this point on, we will no longer be referring to him in any way, shape or form as “Donald Trump”. Instead we will be referring to him by his new name – “Orange Fuckface”. Yes, because of the garbage photo. You can’t unsee it! And in the first slot, is of course President Select Orange Fuckface (1). And we are going to go through some of his chosen cabinet positions, and they are infinitely worse than you could possibly imagine! In the second slot this week, we’re going to change things up a bit and give you some edumacation (2)! Yes, we know Thanksgiving is next week, and we know many of you are going to be in very uncomfortable situations involving your friends and family, so we’re going tell you how to make political discussions less volatile, and yes that’s a thing! In the third slot is one of Fuckface’s personal helper monkeys – Mr. Brain Worm (3) himself, RFK Jr. Yes, Fuckface put him in charge of the Department Of Health & Human Services, which is pretty much like giving the alcoholic the keys to your liquor cabinet and to your car, and giving him the directions to the nearest cliff. In the number 4 slot (4) is a rather delicious bit of what the Germans call schadenfreude for you, and that is that everyone’s favorite satire outlet The Onion bought the remaining assets and domain of Alex Jones’ Infowars (4), officially marking the end of one of Fuckface’s helper monkeys, and the beginning of a new one! In the number 5 slot is a new We’re All Gonna Die (5). And yes, we’ve been watching the Bird Flu (H5N1) saga unfold in both California and British Columbia, but with Brain Worm in charge of public health, what could possibly go wrong? A whole lot! In the number 6 slot, is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6), and MAGA megachurch pastors all over the country are celebrating the Dark One’s ascending to the throne, and if you think they’re no different than ISIS or Al’Qaeda, well, you’re not wrong! In the number 7 slot this week, we’re profiling neo-Nazi podcaster and prolific internet shit poster Nick Fuentes (7) in a new “This Fucking Guy”, and while we’re normally against doxing, well, fuck that guy! In the number 8 slot this week is our weekly venture into the never-ending void of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week could two safe havens for neo-Nazis and right wing extremists – Elon’s X and Fuckface’s Truth Social – merge? It’s entirely possible given how poorly his company is doing in the stock market! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, Disney World, aka the Mouse House, has a problem with people spreading their loved one’s ashes at their parks, made worse by the mother of Disney star Ariana Grande, and we’re going to tell you why you shouldn’t do that! Finally this week in Road To The Shithouse – we’re going to tell you why Fox is crafting a government to TV pipeline by having one of their hosts nominated to a cabinet position they are in no way, shape or form qualified for, and it’s going to be a shit show! And to cap things off, we have our original musical guests returning to our show – Bastille! Buy their new album “& (Ampersand)” or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Fuckface’s Cabinet
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You know, when George Bush stole the 2000 election via the Bush V Gore Supreme Court case in 2001, Rush Limbaugh famously played the classic song “Happy Days Are Here Again”, unironically covered by Judy Garland and Barbara Streisand to signal the GOP being back in power. He played it again in 2016 after Fuckface stole that election. Now that Fuckface is back in power, we think that song no longer applies given the utter shit show he’s about to unleash in January. Instead, I think we can sum this up with a pick of our own – the AC/DC classic Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap! Because all you have to do is declare your undying loyalty to Fuckface, repent your sins nightly on the Fox News multi-level marketing firm family of fine propaganda programs, and you can have any job you want for life and nobody to stop you! That is, unless you say anything that the cult doesn’t want to hear. Then you get busted down to Fox & Friends contributor. George Carlin was right – it’s a big club and we’re not in it! And then you can go as nuts as you want and there won’t be anyone to stop you! But we have to go through some of Fuckface’s cabinets picks, because they are every bit as horrendous as you might imagine, and then some. Last week, we brought one of his first nominees – The Heritage Foundation’s Tom Homan, who is one of the co-authors of the ultra-hideous Project 2025, which is now going to become reality. But he’s infinitely worse than you could ever imagine!





Damn right! Look, Fox News gave Kamala shit 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for the last three fucking years about her handling of the “border crisis” that they made up and purposefully blew up so Biden wouldn’t get a victory. Yes, anything that happens at the border now is EXPLICITLY the fault of Fox News, don’t ever let anyone else tell you otherwise. But I’d rather take a million of her, than one Tom Homan – a literal fucking Nazi! And in case Homan’s MAGA credentials weren’t Nazi enough, behind door #2 is Fox News correspondent Pete Hegseth – who has a literal WHITE POWER tattoo on his chest and was indicted for a sexual harassment scandal. Yes, these are the kind of people who, I don’t know, are going to be RUNNING THE FUCKING COUNTRY!





That’s a good question! Even Captain Picard knows you’re completely full of shit! But his list of shady underlings, er, cabinet members, just continues to get that much fucking worse every single day, and we hate to say “we told you so” but we did and you have to face the consequences now. And don’t worry, when we come back after Thanksgiving, we’re going to have plenty of stories for you about people who voted for Fuckface and now regret it. And we hate to be those people, but here we are. Oh and who’s behind door number 3? Dr. Oz! That’s right! Dr. Oz! It’s good to see that Fox News and TV personalities are well represented in this cabinet!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! The “Illness industrial complex”? What the fuck are they smoking? It just gets worse! Which brings me to the last candidate I want to profile this week, who may be the worst of the bunch. Yes. I’m talking about education. You know that the MAGA fuckheads have been threatening to eliminate the Department Of Education for years now, because apparently Rupert Murdoch said so. The government is not his personal property. But guess who was just tapped to run the DOE? Linda McMahon. That’s right – the future of our children is going to be in the hands of a woman whos’ been body slammed one too many times on live television. What the actual fuck are we doing in this country? WTF. I need a drink.






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[font size="8"]How To Talk On Thanksgiving
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Look, Thanksgiving is next week. We know some people might not be in the holiday spirit right now because the election cycle that just happened was absolutely draining mentally and the absolute worst possible outcome of any election in United States history. We’re so tired of Fuckface and all of his bullshit. We’re tired of seeing him on the news and in our social media feeds 24 hours a day. Many of us are ready to check out or have already checked out of reality. And if you’re doing any sort of traveling to visit your friends or loved ones during the holidays, chances are you are probably going to encounter folks who voluntarily voted for Fuckface. So we here at the Top 10 Home Offices in Santa Ana, California, decided that we want to give you some fuel in case you encounter Fuckface fans on your holiday journey. See, we like to educate as well as entertain. Yes, we know things are bad now, but we want you to be able to talk shit because we know that there’s going to be some political arguments out there that are going to get very heated, very quickly. One good thing we can tell you is that even some of Fuckface’s more extremist picks for cabinet positions are being met with some resistance in Fuckface’s inner circle. So if the conversation about folks like Pete Hegseth or Tom Homan come up, we can tell you this!





People are upset? Do you know Fuckface? When have you ever trusted him to do the right thing? And we can imagine that most people’s upcoming Thanksgivings are not going to be anything like the one Snoopy and Woodstock had. In fact, we know there’s going to be some tension. But make no mistake that this election was basically just a hit job to continue funneling more of America’s taxpayer money to the scumbag billionaire class who doesn’t deserve it. Yeah let’s give billionaires more money! In fact, we’re going to show you some classic examples of cause and effect in a minute, because you know we love some cause and effect around here! So when a friend or relative brings up that the president controls prices, you might want to show them this.





Damn right! Come on, when are we going to trust the CEO of Wal-Mart on anything? So guess what, prices are going up, up, up! But what about your wages? That’s right – you know, that paycheck that we need to do this thing called “living”. Well, examining some cause and effect here, Wal-Mart is going to raise prices. How do we know? Because you can’t trust CEOs to tell you the truth! That’s how Wall St got to stealing all of our money. And by the way, MAGAs, it’s not taxes that are stealing your hard earned income, it’s your boss! Guess what? If you live in my home state of California, you just voted to further enrich *THEIR* pocketbooks! That’s right – there was one of those famous California propositions that voted to increase the minimum wage. Guess what you did? You… wait for it… voted against it! That’s right – you voted to give billionaires more of your money! It’s not the IRS that’s stealing your money, it’s your boss! And he just tricked you!





So when dealing with your friends and family about the state of the economy in the United States, that’s one thing to give them fuel for the fire! Ha ha ha ha ha…. You had the chance to increase your weekly paycheck, but guess what? You actively voted against it! So the answer to why you’re not rich is 100% you. You’re your own worst enemy! And by the way, if you trust the 700 billionaires who are really running the United States of America to do the right thing, guess what? You’re wrong! Well you enjoy posting on Bluesky? One billionaire actually proposed buying Bluesky only to shut it down. But despite Fox News’ constant fearmongering about the economy, it’s doing better than ever. So tell that to your MAGA friends and relatives. Because Fuckface is going to ruin it, maybe forever, and we can say “Ha ha! We told you so!”.






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[font size="8"]RFK Jr
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If the year 2024 could be summed up in one single word, that word is “BREAKING”. It’s literally on every single article, every minute piece of news. Every news is breaking!!! The only thing that’s actually going to be breaking is my monitor when I throw it out the window! Well, the psychopath who’s been put in charge of breaking America’s public health system, Mr. Brain Worm himself, has been in a whole heap of trouble over his proposed plan. But really, when has that ever stopped any of these psychopaths before? It hasn’t. In fact, Mr. Brain Worm himself is so toxic that even the campaign and the incoming abomination, er, administration is trying to distance themselves from him. Even his own cousin, the daughter of JFK and the current ambassador to Australia, Caroline Kennedy, has been trying to warn us about how toxic and dangerous RFK Jr is. But come on, when have you ever expected Fuckface to do the right thing? He never does. If you told him not to jump off that cliff, he’d jump off the cliff and give you the finger while he’s going down. So we’re stuck with this guy unless he lasts a Scaramucci.





Yeah let’s think about this for a minute. The eradication of polio is the single greatest achievements of humanity the 20th and even the 21st centuries. But now, thanks to social media and the advent of anti-vaxxer bullshit, we could undo that. And putting an anti-vaxxer conspiracy theory nutjob in charge of public health is like giving the alcoholic the keys to the liquor cabinet and telling him to go nuts, then giving him the keys to your car and telling him to make a beer run. On top of that, giving him the directions to the nearest cliff! Literally nothing good will come of this, and that’s probably the point. I mean they are going to sink the United States into third world status if any of their hideous talking points actually come to fruition.





Seriously, what could possibly go wrong? Well, there is some good news is that we may *FINALLY* be getting some push back with the vaccine issue. Because you know what? Despite what the fearmongering industry may try to sell you – vaccines are very popular. And no, RFK Jr, we don’t want to die from polio or smallpox or any other hideous disease whose eradication was made possible by the use of vaccines. But make no mistake – a lot of people are going to die because of this fucking maniac and the bullshit that he hawks. If you thought COVID was bad? Boy, you ain’t seen nothing yet! Yeah just like the song!





Yeah seriously, putting that guy in charge of anything? How can you not look at RFK Jr and get anything but escaped mental patient vibes from him? But seriously his views on vaccines and other bullshit nonsense medical “cures” like peptides and no fluoride in the water supply are making even the most hardcore members of Fuckface’s inner circle extremely uncomfortable. So yeah, not only is this whole act part of America’s slide into the abyss, but it’s one of those things where you play stupid games, win stupid prizes. And being anti-vaccine while we’re still on the tail end of a once in a century pandemic of a constantly mutating novel virus, if you still follow Mr. Brain Worm and his bullshit, you may want to take a step back and revaluate your life choices!






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[font size="8"]Alex Jones
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In the world after the 2024 election, where it’s just one horrifying, shitty news story after horrifying, shitty news story, sometimes it helps to engage in a bit of what the Germans call “schadenfreude”. Of course, I’m talking about the story that broke just as we were going live last week – The Onion has purchased all of the assets of Alex Jones’ venerable Infowars outlet. Yes, Infowars – the site run by noted internet conspiracy theorist and social media troll Alex Jones, who became notorious in 2012 when he and his goons heckled, abused, and doxxed the parents of the murdered children at the hands of a crazed gun man at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut under the guise that America was using the shooting as a false flag in order to take guns away. To which we say – nobody is coming to take your guns away. Needless to say, we all here at the Top 10 Home Office in Santa Ana, California, had an absolutely massive gut laugh now that the last vestige of the internet conspiracy theory stronghold is going under. One down, several hundred more to go!





Of course, like the screaming, petulant child Alex Jones is, don’t think for a minute that this sale is final just yet! Because we can’t have nice things in this country like functioning governments, school boards, or kids being able to attend school without getting shot at, Alex Jones is waging war. Yes, war to prevent his site from getting sold. And of course, while mocking everyone for using attorneys, he’s going to hire… *checks notes* more attorneys. For a party that claims to hate trial lawyers, they sure do love them some trial lawyers, don’t they? Well here’s how this is going to play out, and as you can imagine, things are going to get really ugly, really quickly. As is usually the case with the MAGA conspiracy theory crowd. Seriously, would it kill them just once to admit that they lost or they might be completely wrong about something? No? WTF.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Before we go any further, I just want to say two words: Fuck you, Alex Jones! Just… fuck you! I’ll tell you where you can go shove your lawsuit! But like I’ve been saying – MAGA are the people who want to be the cool kids so badly. They’re equal parts “fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me”, and “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Give me that, it’s mine!”. They really do think that the government is their personal plaything. When it’s not a toy. Their actions can have real world consequences! So of course, there’s going to be implications with the sale of Infowars, but Alex Jones, like the screaming child he is, needs to have his toy taken away from him. He is definitely not using it for good.





Oh come on, people! Stop your rabbling! But come on, doesn’t the person who has more money than the other guy usually win the sale? That’s how capitalism works, right? Come on, you guys are supposedly champions of capitalism. But we do have to say that we’re with the CEO of The Onion in that we think it’s hilarious that the once bastion of MAGA politics and conspiracy theories is now part of the world’s biggest satire site. And while Alex Jones may be a spoiled child, he’ll definitely be in for a rude awakening if he sets foot in front of a competent judge. But there’s definitely going to be an uphill battle for the king of fearmongering.






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
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Hey everyone, guess what? We’re all gonna die! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WOOOOOOOO. WOOO. WOO. So what’s going to kill us all this week, you might ask? That’s a good question! You know lost in all of the news this week because of the fallout from the 2024 election from hell, is that there’s a new virus that we have to worry about. Well, a new, old virus anyway. That virus is the strain of the flu that’s known as H5N1, or more commonly known as bird / avian flu. If you remember from the COVID days, this strain of the flu is what’s called a “zoonotic” virus. Meaning that it can jump from animals to humans. And this one has jumped to humans. But now, with more than a few cases popping up and nearly all of them are fatal or close to it, the question of whether or not humanity could return to the lockdowns and masks of 2020 is a real possibility? Well is it? This is one of those stories where we STRONGLY urge you to read past the headlines. Because of these things called, you know, details. But here’s the thing, before you scream that the sky might be falling, we urge you to take a deep breath, remain calm, and pull your heads out of each other’s asses, OK? And actually listen to experts instead of listening to idiots on social media, because we’ve told you time and time again not to listen to them, OK? Stop it already!





Yeah OK, you say that now. But imagine what will happen when Mr. Brain Worm himself, RFK Jr, ascends to being in charge of America’s public health and tears down all of the safety nets we have that would prevent the next pandemic? Look, we came dangerously close to living a pandemic nightmare in 2009 with a similar strain of avian flu. And we lived a pandemic nightmare in 2020 with COVID-19, because guess who was in charge? That’s right – Fuckface. And of course he blamed it on everybody but himself, which is what he should be blamed for. But again, right now – there’s nothing to worry about because we already have cures and vaccines that can combat this horrible disease. Well, we’ll see on January 22nd just how much the United States loves vaccines. But is it enough to put a strain on our hospital systems that we need to resort to 2020 tactics? That remains to be seen.





No calm down, dude! We’re not going to die yet. Now for those of you who aren’t in public health and don’t know or probably even give a shit, let’s explain what all of this means. Because we’re here to educate as well as entertain! Right now, if you were to use the NYT needle to determine if this were going to happen, the odds are very low, at least for the time being. It all depends on a number of factors and whether or not the virus mutates. Again, if you recall back from the COVID days when everyone in the world became public health experts, you might remember that the virus mutated in such a way that it got us good. Could H5N1 mutate and become easily transmissible? Well, there’s a number of things that could cause it to do that, or not. Remember that it was exactly 100 years between the influenza pandemic and COVID-19. There were other pandemics that happened in between, but nowhere near on the same level.





No we’re not going to die. So here’s what we know right now – right now, it looks like you can only contract it if you work around already infected livestock. Which again, is a result of American agriculturalism, which treats current livestock like shit. So yeah that’s putting it lightly. Of course like most pandemics, it has a chance to be a real threat… or it doesn’t. And like most pandemics, it never hurts to start preparing early. But again, imagine America with Mr. Brain Worm and that guy from TV in charge of public health. It would be an unmitigated disaster. One that could have the potential to get a lot of people killed. And we’re going to see, despite all of the anti-vaccine bullshit that’s currently flying around, how much America loves vaccines.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, we live in extremely dark and troubled times right now. And if the selection of the unholy, ungodly Dark One to lead this ungrateful nation straight to the fiery pits of HELL was shocking, well, I got news for you! You ain’t seen nothing yet. Because the way the religious base who reelected him for a second time will tell you – their god is unequivocally an absolute raging asshole! Because MAGA Christians don’t worship GAWD or JAYSUS, they worship his unholiness himself! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! Even if he’s the leader of the free world now, or what’s left of the free world, I don’t give a fuck! Still, don’t do it or I will cast thee out! Well, I have to say, I am absolutely ashamed of my fellow pastors, because they are celebrating the Dark One’s unfortunate rise to victory the same way that, well, there’s one other kind of person that I would equate with this, and after the first contestant that we bring to the table, you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about! But ugh… it just really sucks that we’re in this bizarre timeline right now.





Absolutely he does! And now it looks like the unholy Dark One is going to be worming his way back to the White House in January. Ugh. But yeah, who celebrates with the animosity of an evil psychopath? It’s like when Sideshow Bob got elected as mayor of Springfield and his first speech was an evil laugh. This is how terrorists celebrate their victories, my fair congregation! But here’s why I am comparing this to the people who we once declared war against 20 years ago. It just gets worse the more that you dig into it, and I am not exaggerating. You think Kenneth Copeland’s statement was bad? Again when I say it gets worse, I mean it gets worse. And these are people who apparently support GAWD and JAYSUS. Their GAWD must be a raging asshole.





Holy shit! And hey that’s the name of the show! But really when the LIARS of the country are the “truth tellers”, that really says something, doesn’t it? Of course the unholy Dark One himself would champion his minions to go out and lie on his behalf. But really, we can’t help but compare the Dark One’s victory to that of a country run by people like the Taliban or ISIS or Boko Haram. Because that’s exactly what this feels like and that’s exactly what they’re going to turn this into. In fact, look at what the Dark One’s minion Pete Hegseth plans to do with education. This is a guy who has a literal NAZI symbol tattooed on his chest and we’re not supposed to take this seriously? WTF are we doing!





Sure seems like it, my fair congregation! But of course, now that the unholy Dark One has won his election ungratefully, these are the things we have to deal with as the United States begins its’ slide into becoming a religious fascist totalitarian hell hole. However, there has been talk of the unholy Dark One’s pending demise since he is the oldest president in United States history. So what happens then? We’re stuck with his minion, who we will currently refer to as Dark One Mini-Me unless someone has a better nickname for him. If you do have a better nickname, let us know in the comments! But sigh, we may be in this for a very long time and if it seems hopeless, trust us when we say we are right there with you, my fair congregation!





Well, since this country has chosen – and it chose wrong, we may be in it for the long haul. Ugh, it gets worse all the time! But fear not, that’s what we are here for! We have to fight his unholiness, the Dark One, at all costs! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Nick Fuentes
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is prolific right wing neo-Nazi podcaster and prolific racist and sexist internet shit poster who’s part of the Fuckface Dude Bro sphere – Nick Fuentes! In case you’re not aware, there are a metric shit ton of male-centric podcasters out there who cater not only to your many lust for blood, but also whatever level of racism and sexism you’re willing to tolerate. There are thousands of these fuckers out there. But some of the more prolific ones include Nick Adams (who we covered here ). There’s also Andrew Tate on the sexist side (who we will cover next week) and the guy who we’re going to cover on the racist side, Nick Fuentes. If you’re unfamiliar with Mr. Fuentes, he’s the GOPer and on-again, off-again Orange Fuckface superfan who gave us the term “GROYPER”. Which is basically an army of internet trolls and if you know someone who does this, I’d suggest finding new friends. And really, while we’re normally against doxing of any kind, really, we cannot understate how truly colossal of a piece of shit Nick Fuentes really is.





Look people, there’s plenty of reasons to hate Nick Fuentes for. But don’t do this. We’re better than those assholes. We can fight them in many other ways besides actual physical fighting. Now, the fact that a job title with “Neo Nazi Influencer” exists is a sign that something is not just wrong with society, it’s incredibly fucked up as well. But this isn’t the first time Nick Fuentes has said some extremely horrifying shit. Although the “Your Body, My Choice” line, which has been adopted by the white male dude bro sphere may have crossed the line. In fact it crossed multiple lines. But I particularly love this definition of what it means to be a right winger. Like really it couldn’t be more perfect if we had written it, even if we used AI to come up with it! But this is what Nick Fuentes, and I’m sure most of the alpha male dude bro sphere thinks of all this shit going on right now. it’s absolute madness.





Seriously! The white supremacist fascist takeover doesn’t need 4 years, it’s happening now! The hate in this country is too damn powerful! But of course, when a hate-filled batshit crazy religious white supremacist cult is out for absolute power, they frown on things like independent thought and freedom of expression. So what happened when Nick Fuentes went against his own cult’s line of thinking on what could happen after the election? Well, needless to say, he caved. And we couldn’t have been any more surprised. But who knows what any of this shit means, we don’t speak stupid here. And unfortunately we can’t say the adults are in charge anymore because the voters picked Fuckface and his authoritarian goons, so come January, we’re going to be run by Fuckface again. Ugh. But yeah, cults don’t like independent thought it seems.





So here’s the thing I love about this – not only are these idiots fighting each other, they can’t seem to understand exactly what their goals are. Come on, even Adolf Hitler had goals. This new batch of neo Nazis doesn’t. And while they’re “celebrating” a very, very undeserved victory for Fuckface, they’ve actively descended into fighting each other. Which I’m all here for. How can you enact an evil, fascist agenda when the goals aren’t clearly defined? Well easy answer – they have no goals! They are completely goalless. So while Fuckface is unfortunately going to worm his way back to the White House and do untold damage, his idiot propagandists like Nick Fuentes and Andrew Tate are going to be in the crosshairs of the MAGA circular firing squad for a very long time. I say grab some popcorn and your favorite beverage and enjoy the show!





That’s white supremacist neo Nazi podcaster and king GROYPER extraordinaire Nick Fuentes, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts, after all! This week, since the election, two social media powers may be in talks of a merger, and both are considered safe havens for right wing shit posters, neo Nazis, and anti-vaccine, anti-science quackery. I’m of course talking about Elon Musk’s X/Twitter (aka Xitter) and Orange Fuckface’s social media hidey-hole Truth Social. Since of course, Elon has become the annoying house guest who won’t leave Mar-A-Shithole, the new and improved Fuckface 2.0 administration is going to usurp Twitter/X and make it an official state run media site. Yeah the United States is going full third world dictator, and we may have to strap in for the long haul.





It would only make sense – presidents and Congress people are required to give up their assets when they are sworn into office. But eh.. when has it ever stopped Fuckface from following the rules? But the idea of making this unholy alliance a “meme stock” is both incredibly cringy and super corrupt. And again – when has that ever stopped them before? But of course this is what happens when you peddle “the big lie” that he has for the last 4 years. Make no mistake the Truth Social is a literal spite store – yes the kind started by Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Fuckface started this site to spite that he was banned from Xitter. Because he and his cult are truly incapable of shutting the fuck up. But here’s why this could be a problem for Fuckface.






But here’s the plot twist that no one saw coming – apparently Fuckface’s DJT Media is now worth more than Musk’s Xitter platform. Shocker! We all both knew and saw coming that Musk’s acquisition of Xitter in 2022 was going to be a disaster. And also a disappointment. Make no mistake that it was a deliberate political hit job. So what happens when two shit postiing sites merge together to form a super shit posting site? Well, shit multiplied by shit is still shit. So if Truth Social is worth more than Xitter at this point, does this mean the X/Twitter brand will dissolve and become part of DJT Group? If so that would cause a massive amount of people to jump ship.






But the question on the table is – could a merger between these two right wing conspiracy theory havens actually happen? Fuckface apparently asked Musk – now his personal helper monkey – if he was interested in buying DJT Media. And while Musk said no, there is now a very real realm of possibility that it could happen. Could it? Or is it just wild speculation at this point? Well we’d say that it’s a little column A, little column B. But until then, right wing conspiracy theorists have multiple social media outlets to choose from in order to barf their brains. So yeah, imagine a content moderation less version of X, which is exactly what it would become. You can’t do it, can you? Well, we’ll definitely keep an eye on this story as it develops.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone! I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course, you know the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we’re drinking, we talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because I don’t if you’ve noticed or not, but there’s some really dark shit in the news right now, and this is our first one since the election. No, no politics at the bar! Only rules we got in this bar – no fighting, no cussing, and no politics! Some mild swearing is allowed, but only if it’s not at someone. And my sober brothers and sisters, don’t worry – we got you covered too! Just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea or energy drink and come get wired with us! Well this week, we’ve got an extremely bizarre story coming out of Disneyland, and we can’t wait to tell you about it! Of course, we’re based in California – Disneyland is right up the freeway from our Santa Ana headquarters. So we do have an interest in this! So tell me, bartender, what goes well with a story about spreading a loved one’s ashes? The dead person martini? What’s in that? Do I even want to know what’s in it? Oh god! Hard pass! I’ll just stick with my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it the Double Jack! So the story goes like this – Disney mega star Ariana Grande and her mother were on a podcast to promote her appearance in the upcoming Wicked movie, and her mother had an absolutely bizarre last request for what she wants to do when she passes on, and we’ve come to find out that the Mouse House has some very interesting rules regarding this sort of thing!





Shots! Shots! Shot shot shot shot shot shots! OK, look, I have to confess to my fair audience, that when I die, I sure as shit don’t want my final resting place to be the Pirates Of The Caribbean ride, does everybody at the bar get that? Good! But apparently there’s more to this story than meets the eye, because we did some digging and went down the wormhole on this subject. Apparently the Haunted Mansion is the most popular ride at both Disneyland Anaheim and Disney World Orlando to spread your loved one’s ashes. In fact, if you currently ride on those rides, you might actually be inhaling the ashes of the deceased while you are riding the ride! And no, we are not fucking kidding about this one.





Yeah that’s right! It’s such a rampant problem at Disney parks – and it’s not just here in the United States, it includes Japan, China, and France – that Disney theme park cleanup crews have a fucking nickname for it! If you hear that a ride is shut down because of “Code Grandma”, that’s exactly what you think it means, and it’s every bit as horrifying as it sounds! Please, people, there’s far more dignifying ways of what to do with your loved ones when they pass. Dumping them off at the Pirates Of The Caribbean ride definitely isn’t one of them! Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Gotta love our graphics department! So Ariana Grande’s mom might want to rethink this position, because it’s not just something that shouldn’t be done under any circumstances, it’s a literal fucking biohazard on top of that!





Dude, even Steve Harvey’s getting drunk! Come on, join us! And come on, when has something being illegal ever stopped anyone before? And no, I won’t mention *THAT* guy because again, it would break our primary rule of no politics at the bar! But, again, we cannot emphasize this enough – do *NOT* spread your loved one’s ashes at Disneyland or Disneyworld. You don’t want Code Grandma to come out under any circumstances. Well, one star recently admitted that she did this. Yes, EGOT recipient Whoopi Goldberg recently revealed that she spread her mother’s ashes on the “It’s A Small World” ride at Disneyland Anaheim. And yes, again, we cannot stress this enough – don’t do this. And Ariana Grande’s mom should rethink her position to be Code Grandma.








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[font size="8"] Road To The Shithouse
[br] [/font] [br]



Welcome back to our segment where we’re lumping all of the post-election coverage in our new segment: Road To The White… er, Shit House! Yes, since Fuckface unfortunately stole the presidency… again… which proves that we can’t have nice things in the United States, we figured that the 2024 election was more of a brown wave. Because we fully expect Fuckface and his goons to take an absolutely massive shit on Washington DC and everything that makes the USA, well, the USA. Like how are they going to use the military to carry out this bizarre mass deportation plan when they cut the Department Of Defense? Well, we’ll find out in January. But speaking of January, I want to talk about what exactly is going to happen with a key demographic of Fuckface supporters: the January 6th rioters and now prisoners, who Fuckface has repeatedly said he is going to issue a blanket pardon for. You know, January 7th should have been the fucking end of Fuckface’s political career but he’s protected by a well-funded and extremely hostile propaganda network. So what could happen if Fuckface decides to blanket pardon the J6 rioters? Well it’s not as easy as it sounds and could be a potential legal headache for judges across the country. Not that he cares.





That’s what you said last time, dipshit! And come on, you really think Fuckface cares about the J6 prisoners? They’re basically just useful idiots to him. A presidential pardon isn’t exactly a “get out of jail free card” as many would have you believe it is. Look at one of Fuckface’s personal helper monkeys – Steve Bannon. He got pardoned… for one crime. That doesn’t excuse the 5,000 other crimes that he committed. Of which he served time for one, got out of prison, and may be going back to prison for yet another crime which he’s due to be sentenced in December! So it’s not as easy as Fuckface would have you believe. So could the J6 felons be pardoned? Well that entirely depends on who you talk to, and the answers can vary depending on what your sources are.





Again, people. Do you know Fuckface? Have you *EVER* especially at this point expected him to do the right and ethical thing? Hell no. He spits in the face of ethics and his fans love him for that. Also, seriously, Idiocracy wasn’t supposed to be a documentary! The other question on the table – have you EVER in the last 10 years, EVER expected Fuckface to keep any promises? Well, since they went on for years being anti-establishment, they are now *THE* establishment, with a solid majority and one party rule. So would the J6 rioters be pardoned under those circumstances? Well the answer of course right now is maybe. But we are entering uncharted territory here.





When has Fuckface ever been a man of his word? Oh and if you’re currently on trial for committing a crime, just casually name dropping him isn’t going to get you out of jail free. Instead, depending on who your judge is, it may have the opposite effect! But really, when has name dropping ever been an issue for anybody? Just ask anyone who’s tried to get into the hottest LA night clubs. No, you don’t know Matt Damon. Get to the back of the line! You probably also don’t have Snoop Dogg’s phone number on speed dial, either. So yes, if you’re on trial for anything, literally do not do this. Or it will come back to bite you in the ass, hard. In fact we’d be really surprised here if the judge didn’t laugh in your face on your way out the door. At the very least, you might get an audition spot on Fox News, at the 10:00 AM Fox & Friends hour, but that would be about it.






[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Bastille[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest has a great new album called “& (Ampersand)”! You can see them playing a pair of shows this weekend in LA at the United Theater On Broadway, and through December 15th. Playing their song “Blue Sky & The Painter”, give it up for Bastille!



Thank you New Jersey! Man this was fun! We’ll be back soon! We are off next week for Thanksgiving, we’ll be back on Thursday, Dec. 5th with a brand new edition! Holy shit, it’s December, already?

See you in two weeks!

Credits

Host: Initech
Bastille Appears Courtesy Of: EMI Records
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: New Jersey Performing Arts Center at Rutgers University, Newark, NJ
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

November 14, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-13: We're Not Gonna Take It Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-13: We’re Not Gonna Take It Edition





Ed. Note: Warning, this edition will contain some extremely graphic profanity and some objects may be flying around the set. This may be the edition that gets us canceled. If you are offended by the kind of language that is about to be used, you may back out now quietly. If you want to see where we’re going with this, we may advise you to direct yourself to our edition that we had back when Trump declared victory in 2016, which you can see here: Idiots #2-1. Otherwise, you have been warned.



Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! What’s up U-Conn, how you guys doing? Sold us out again! You guys doing fucking good? Great! So where do I begin this week? Oh yeah, easy - fuck you America! There, I said it. I have a long list of “fuck yous” coming, so here it comes: Fuck you Donald Trump. Fuck you JD Vance. Fuck you Vladimir Putin. Fuck you Fox News. Fuck you undecided voters. Fuck you TPUSA. Fuck you Heritage Foundation. Fuck you Federalist Society. Fuck you Leonard Leo. Fuck you MAGA Congress. Fuck you Marjorie Taylor Greene. Fuck you Lauren Boebert. Fuck you Tucker Carlson. Fuck you Kid Rock. Fuck you Ted Nugent. Fuck you Lee Greenwood. Fuck you Steve Bannon. Fuck you MAGA SCOTUS. Fuck you Bernie Moreno. Fuck you Nikki Hayley. Fuck you Neil Gorsuch. Fuck you Amy Comey Barrett. Fuck you Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, Maria Baritromo, Jesse Watters. Fuck you Clarence and Ginny Thomas. Fuck you Samuel Alito. Fuck you Kristi Noem. Fuck you Elon Musk. Fuck you Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Fuck you Jeff Bezos. Fuck you Patrick Soon Singh. Fuck you Jack Hibbs. Fuck you Viktor Orban. Fuck you Benjamin Netanyahu. Fuck you Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk. Fuck you Greg Abbott, Ken Paxton, and Dan Patrick. Fuck you Ron DeSantis. Fuck you Alex Jones. Fuck you Charlie Kirk. Fuck you Nick Fuentes, Andrew Tate, and Nick Adams. Fuck you Kanye West. Fuck every single law enforcement agency, school board, megachurch, and city council that supports this madness. Fuck you Tom MacDonald. Fuck you Jake Paul. Fuck you Tim Pool. Fuck you Joe Rogan. Fuck you Dana White. Fuck you Brette Farve. Fuck you Hulk Hogan. Fuck you Vanilla Ice. And if you voted for or support any of these people, then fuck you too. Did I forget anybody? Also fuck you too. Holy shit, am I angry and extremely pissed off about the election. Just fuck… what the fucking hell is wrong with you, America? What the absolute… fuck!!! I am so angry that I don’t even know that I can make it through this edition! Argh! God damn it all to hell. It’s like nothing matters anymore and this country is going full authoritarian fascist whether we want it or we don’t. Oh and if I get too angry or pissed off or feel like destroying something, we’ll be seeing plenty of this graphic:



And RIP rule of law – beginning of time -11/5/2024. You will be very greatly missed. Insane how many fucking stupid ass “law enforcement” officials got duped into supporting this fucking worthless piece of fucking shit. Y’all are fucking useful idiots. Checks and balances too, you will also be missed. By the way, throughout this edition, we will have an F-bomb counter at the bottom of your screen, because I fully intend to break the Wolf Of Wall Street’s world record for the most amount of f-bombs dropped in one program. So far we’re at 63. Think we can make 569? I would place some high odds on it. God fucking damn it. #63. *DING* We are about to get really angry in this piece, and I’m even more pissed off and disillusioned with the United States was after the 2016 election. Just… holy fuck. 64. This is just in the first 10 minutes by the way! Now that I got that off my chest, strap in, because this may be our angriest edition in the entire 8 years of doing this program. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first our good friend John Oliver is back and he delves into what Trump’s fucking stupid businesses are going to do now that’s the fucking god damn leader again! Breathe in…



OK, I got to admit we had a much different edition planned this week had Kamala rightfully taken her place. But it didn’t and America had to go and select the fucking asshole again to totally fuck things up and he’s going to do it. And we’re all going to suffer for it. But before we get into it this week, I am going to say that we have this F-Bomb chart with all of the movies that have the most amount of F-Bombs in its’ run. For instance at 173 – that’s the record set by Bad Santa. 200 level – The Big Lebowski. 300 level – Straight Outta Compton. 400 level – Casino. 500 level – Wolf Of Wall Street. And no, we’re not counting that Canadian documentary “Fuck”, OK? Got it? So in the first slot, we have to ask the question – America, what the absolute fuck is wrong with you (1)? And in the second slot, there’s so much about this utter shit show of an election, that we have to ask the question a second time – America, what the fuck is wrong with you (2)? And in the third slot this week – yes, we’re aware that the bizarre MAGA cult that follows Trump to his rallies in the middle of nowhere (3) are becoming even more deranged, violent, and unhinged – so where does it end? We’re about to find out! In the number 4 slot is God King Fuckface himself (4) and we’re going to talk about his stupid fucking “day one” promises – just how bad is it going to get? Well, we’re going to find out! And instead of getting sad, we’re going to instead use a classic hair metal anthem to describe how we feel about this whole thing! And I’m sure the author of said song will approve! In the number 5 slot this week is a new edition of our segment that delves into never-ending corporate greed in “Late Stage Capitalism” (5) and this week, do you enjoy playing Wordle? Yes, our 5 minute escape from reality is being plagued by a strike among the NYT tech team and especially the games department! Yeah, we may have to find alternatives! In the number 6 slot this week, is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6), and we’re going to lighten things up and talk about one of the biggest purveyors of misinformation among the Christian right – Lee Greenwood. Yes, the God Bless The USA singer has more than a few demons up his sleeves! At number 7, while Fox News constantly railed about Kamala as the “border czar”, guess who her replacement is? Tom Homan, who we’re profiling in a new “This Fucking Guy”, and he’s a full blown James Bond villain! At number 8 is our weekly venture into the never-ending world of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week, why is RFK Jr saying that he’s going to remove fluoride from the water supply? And just how does he plan to do this? It’s all a big bunch of grade A bullshit! In the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week, let’s lighten things up with a People Are Dumb (9) because it’s becoming clear how Fuckface got to be president again. Ugh. Finally this week, since Kamala didn’t get elected, we’re changing our Road To White House segment to Road To The Shithouse (10)! And this week… this week we’re going to introduce you to the fucking shitty new position Trump created for his bestie Elon – the Department Of Government Efficiency (10)! WTF! And what happens now? And finally to cap things off, we have some live music for you from our good friends King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard! Buy their new album Flight B741 or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!


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[font size="8"]Worst Election In American History
[br] [/font] [br]

FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK… THIS COUNTRY IS… FUCKED!!! America, what the fucking hell is fucking wrong with you??? We warned you about the dangers of what a second Trump term would bring. The damage that fucking Project 2025 is going to do. The dangers of his criminally fucking insane plan to mass deport anyone he declares “illegal”. Just FUCK!!! And you voted for this criminal fucking scumbag fucking anyways!!!! Just… fucking… AHH!!! I’m so pissed off at the fucking results of the fucking election, that I’m going to fucking…



OK… breathe in. Are we going to have to do this for the next fucking four years? God damn it. I am beyond pissed as hell. We’re not even going to refer to him by name this week. Instead, we’re just going to call him “Orange Fuckface”. And we’ll be referring to incoming vice president JD Vance by his drag queen nickname – Ashley Furniture. Just when it fucking looked like things were going Kamala’s way… nope, the fucking Fox News and Putin machine fucking wins! Death to your fucking dreams and hopes! And if there’s one thing that we’ve learned, it’s that the fucking polls are fucking bullshit. Though this time around… maybe they weren’t. Maybe they were actually telling the fucking truth for once. And once again, nobody listened. Or did they? Look, we know the 5 stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Right now we’re in the anger stage and I don’t know if we will ever get past it. But this right now is my therapy. I have to get the anger off my chest. Just… fuck! There’s a serious black cloud hovering over this country right now, and come January 20th, things are going to get a hell of a lot worse. This is the government of, by, and for conspiracy theorists, talk radio hosts, the fucking Heritage Foundation, and Fox fucking News. They own the show now. This is their fucking dream – and everyone else’s fucking nightmare. And by the way, all instances of Trump in this edition are going to be replaced with “Orange Fuckface”. Because we can! So just how fucking bad could things get? Well…





So yes, climate change is on the table. But when have you ever trusted Trump to do the right fucking thing? He doesn’t, ever, and that’s why his fans fucking love him for that. And by the way, if you ever need any more proof that Trump doesn’t do the right fucking thing, just wait until he starts appointing cabinet positions and filling them with loyalists and bootlickers. You want to know how we got to 1933 Germany? Well, we’re witnessing it in real time. And trust me – when it comes time for the fucking inauguration, well, god fucking help us! Fuckface isn’t just every bad guy you’ve ever seen, think Emperor Palapatine levels from Star Wars bad. And with fucking one party rule, which trust us, is going to get real fucking bad real fucking quick, he will get everything that he’s promised and then fucking some. So strap in, because we may be in this for the long fucking haul!





Oh and if you’re looking for someone to blame for this absolutely epic fail of an election, well, there’s plenty of fucking blame to go around. And don’t worry, we’ll save the fucking blame for next week. So there is good news though, there is a statue of Orange Fuckface that’s currently circling the city parks, and recently showed up in Philadelphia. Can we show that? Yup, congratulations, America, you just elected a fucking rapist con artist to the highest office in the fucking land! I hope you’re all fucking happy to see the damage that he’s going to do in one fucking week! And by the way, if you want to see how bad things are going to get before Fuckface takes office again, look no further than fucking Iowa, where Iowa’s LGBT couples are looking to tie the knot before Fuckface takes office.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Hey look, all you people who were holding up those stupid fucking “WHATEVER FOR TRUMP” signs, hope you’re fucking happy! So the question now is – the voters fucking wanted Fuckface. They fucking chose him. Do we let him go scorched earth or do we try to keep the worst from happening? Because we’ve seen what happens when he goes scorched earth – and we have the fucking evidence to back it up! Yes, because we’ve been doing this fucking show for 8 fucking years now, we’ve seen Fuckface at his absolute worst. And don’t heed anyone’s calls for unity, because this is only just getting started and no, we don’t play nice with fucking fascists over here, not for anyone or any fucking thing. Christopher Titus was right. America lost its’ fucking soul on election night. Fuck.





Yes. F-Bomb counter so far: 178

Record broken: Superbad. We did it! We broke Superbad’s record! And we’re not even 20 minutes into the show! Woohoo!


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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK… THIS COUNTRY IS… FUCKED!!! Yeah I know that I’m fucking repeating myself… but… FUCK!!! Argh I am so fucking pissed off about the election. But you know what? For this segment, we’re going to talk about one group that may both be responsible for flipping this country red, while simultaneously responsible for their own demise. We’re now learning that one group may be responsible for this country’s 2024 stupid fucking red wave. That is Latinos For Trump. Yes, Latinos For Trump. Which might as well be Chickens For Colonel Sanders. But we cannot overlook the Fox News misinformation sphere and the absolutely dangerous propaganda that they peddle 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But here’s the thing we need to realize – if the Dems want to win back voters, it starts with the Latino vote, and they’ve got a right wing propaganda problem brewing. Yes, talk about voting against your best fucking interests.





Yeah seriously… what the fuck is wrong with you? Here we have a group that has been heavily brainwashed by propaganda online and on stations like Fox News. So the democrats may not be the most flag waving Americans to ever America. But you know what? The fucking fanboys don’t control the fucking show. That’s like saying all the Yankees fans are like those fucking douchebags who grabbed Mookie Betts’ glove and assaulted him during Game 4. But of course they’re not like that. But there was a lot of gaslighting in this election cycle and a lot of people who were tricked into voting against their best interests. But this might be the most egregious of all and a huge part of how the election got tipped in favor of Fuckface.





That is a good question! How… who… why… what the actual fuck??? Minority outreach? Have you been paying attention the last 8 fucking years??? Have you not seen all the egregiously shitty things that Fuckface has been saying about minorities? Have you??? Just ahhhhhhhh!!! This kind of stupidity is making my head fucking explode here!



Hey no need for the graphic yet! I’m in control of my anger right now. But how can the Latino population vote for Fuckface when he’s said that mass deportations will be on the table? How can they be so engrained in the fucking propaganda that this can and most definitely will affect them and everyone personally? I just can’t even. But again, this is why we cannot have nice things in this country and it’s because of propaganda.



https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/619fbfa3-1db0-4582-ac21-cd6cd95bb852

How?? HOW???? HOW??? How the fuck could Latino voters be that fucking stupid? How brainwashed by the fucking propaganda are they that they actively voted against their best fucking interests? It’s truly insane! No, we don’t need the graphic yet! Remain calm! But we do need to address that this is becoming a massive fucking problem. So how do we win back these voters? Well, the United States is under one party rule and we’re going to be heading into uncharted territory in January. It’s going to take a lot to reverse the ship from jumping off the cliff and we can’t help but feel that social media is tricking people into voting against their best interests. It just sucks right now.





F-bomb count: 240

Record broken: Do The Right Thing


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[font size="8"]Pro-Fuckface Violence [br] [/font] [br]

OK, now that we got the fucking anger out of my fucking system, there’s something that we do need to address here. Fucking hell. Just seriously… fucking hell. Things are getting really fucking ugly out there, and it’s not really that surprising. If it seems like the online hate and harassment coming from Fuckface supporters is getting out of control, you’re not wrong. Things are indeed getting way uglier – both online and IRL. Fuckface supporters have developed an almost stalker-ish motif and they are fucking emboldened by the results of the election. Yup, and we are currently in it for the long fucking haul, so strap in, because these next 4 years are going to suck. So how bad could things get? Well once again, this is one of those things that varies depending on what your sources are. And given what we know about Fuckface’s plans for the military and his plans for dismantling our safety nets, we know things are going to get really bad, really quickly. But if the gun violence prevention folks can see that the proverbial shit is about to hit the fucking fan, so we should be able to also! Yes, Fuckface does enable violent lunatics and it shows!





Well duh! We’re all in danger! And why do these fuckers want a civil war? They got everything they fucking wanted! They have one party rule! They have a mad man who’s going to gut the entire fucking government and stack the fucking courts with loyalists and he’s creating a puppet ringmaster fucking cabinet… aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!



Sorry… I lost my cool for a minute. Holy shit is this going to be a difficult show to get through! When do we get to I Need A Drink? We’re not doing that this week? Damn it!!!! Then get me a nice tall glass of Jack before I lose it! But yes, if you can stomach it, political violence is going to get that much worse, the MAGA crazies are emboldened and they feel like they’ve been given a mandate. And yes, the Q nut calls for public executions are starting – and they’re getting fucking worse.





Here’s the thing – for the last TWO years, we’ve railed about how dangerous a second term of Fuckface could possibly get. But people didn’t fucking listen and now we’re fucking stuck with him. And trust us when we say come January 21st, 2025, the fucking shit is about to hit the fan. Right now, think of this as the calm before the storm. We’re in the eye of the fucking hurricane. Hurricane Donald. Yes, Fuckface himself is getting increasingly more violent with his rhetoric, as he showed last week with his thinly veiled threat against Liz Cheney. Who they replaced with Harriet Fucking Hageman, seen here looking like JD Vance’s drag queen alter ego, Ashley Furniture. And of course, like most terrorists do, you celebrate your fucking win by threatening more fucking violence!





You want to know why we’ve been calling MAGA terrorists for 8 fucking years? Well, who else celebrates their win with fucking death threats? ISIS. The Taliban. Al’Qaeda. You know who else wants to ban porn and video games? ISIS. Al’Qaeda. The Taliban. You know who else poses with flags and guns and has giant truck parades? ISIS. Al’Qaeda. The Taliban. You see where we’re going with this. And if you know where we’re going with this, let us know in the comments! Oh yes, we’re fucking going there. And these are the people who call themselves fucking patriots, yet they shit on the Constitution every single chance that they get. But yup, MAGA is out there in full force and it’s only getting worse – so much worse for everyone. Thanks mass media, you elected a mass murderer and his fans are getting emboldened. The shit is about to hit the fan.





F-Bomb count: 292

Record broken: The Big Lebowski


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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

So just how bad will things get the day after Inauguration Day? Which I might add, is a mere 146 days away. So say goodbye to your freedoms kids because it’s going to get that much fucking worse. The absolute worst fucking things you’ve heard Fuckface could do on day 1 will come true. And yes, fucking all of it. And he’ll have fucking one party rule on top of all of that. Come January 21st, the United States will be in uncharted fucking territory. What could he possibly fucking do, you might ask? Well, it’s going to be an absolute fucking shit show. Fuckface has promised to do a lot of what most people would call “damage”, he calls “rebuilding”. And what most people would call “dividing”, he calls “unity”. See? We can play that fucking game too! But the simple fact of the matter is that this is going to get really bad, really quickly. And it’s not fascism that the United States needs to worry about. Instead, it’s oligarchism similar to Saudi Arabia or United Arab Emirates. And the other term is “kakistocracy” which means that the least qualified people are in charge. So we’ve got an oligarkakistocracy situation happening, and it’s going to get really bad.





Yeah damn right, he fucking sucks! Look, we called way back at the beginning of the year just how fucking bad things were going to get! And it’s going to be a fucking bloodbath. You know how someone can spend an entire lifetime or lifetimes building their reputation, and then one jackass with a wrecking ball makes it all come crashing down in one week? Well, Fuckface is that jackass with a wrecking ball, and oh, the fucking damage he is going to do! Yes, all of the worst things you’ve heard Fuckface is capable of will come true, especially when his employers, Fox News, have him convinced that he’s got a fucking mandate and one party rule. We’re going to be venturing into uncharted territory here, folks!





Yeah it’s a venerable super ultra fecta of the worst things you’ve ever heard any AM talk radio host, Fox News host, or podcaster say about what Fuckface would do all rolled into one. It will be a venerable fucking revenge-a-palooza and no one will be spared. You ever wonder what the Nazis thought when Adolf Hitler got elected to Germany’s highest office and how we got Hitler youth? Well guess what? We don’t have to wonder anymore! Ugh, fucking hell. And again, most of this shit, like critical race theory or “gender insanity” – is all grade A bullshit that the right wing made up to scare people! But even Murdoch rag the Wall Street Journal has said that Fuckface has to abide by the rules. Hey, when has that ever stopped them before?





That’s literally what it’s going to be like on day one. It’s going to be a bull in a fucking china shop and Fuckface will turn and cry on his nightly fucking batphone to Sean Hannity about it. It’s going to be an absolute shit show and a nightmare to watch. But when the GOP burns down the fucking government and installs a puppet regime all because the Mad Man in fucking Moscow and his stupid fucking propaganda arm want it, don’t say we didn’t fucking warn you. And yes, I am swearing a lot, but holy shit, am I pissed the fuck off right now. And again, things are going to get infinitely worse. And since the House, Senate, and SCOTUS are now under one party rule, those stupid fucking talk shows won’t have anyone to blame it on but themselves. Fuck!





F-Bomb Count: 337

Record Broken: Straight Outta Compton


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[font size="8"]Late Stage Capitalism: NYT Games Strike
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Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents:

“Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.” – Gordon Gekko, Wall St. (1987)

When corporate profits are at an all time high, there is nowhere else to go but to make more millions.

There is corporate greed, and then there is:



Welcome back to our segment on the relentless pursuit of never-ending corporate greed, Late Stage Capitalism! Sure, it’s not enough to make $50 billion, you need $150 billion! You need to be able to tank entire countries while you jet off in your penis-shaped rocket to the vast emptiness of deep space! This week, we have to talk about one thing you’re probably extremely sick of by now – the news. Yes, the news – something we used to have until 1997 when it got replaced by opinionated talking heads who are incapable of shutting the fuck up. But one aspect of the news this week was simply lost in all of the craziness surrounding the election. Do you enjoy playing Wordle? Or maybe you also enjoy Connections or any of the other word games published by the New York Times Games division? Well, the tech department at the NYT went on strike last week, prompting many longtime fans and players of NYT games to jump ship in support of the tech department. So if you enjoy playing Wordle, then what else can you play? Well there are some alternatives if you’re willing to look for them and break your long running Wordle streaks!





Yes, it may be time to ditch the NYT Games app. But fear not! The NYT was one of the few sane newspapers left in the country after the 2024 election. But games aren’t the only function of the NYT tech department – they oversee just about everything that happens on the New York Times website, the NYT Games app, and the NYT app. So if you enjoy getting your news delivered to you electronically, then you’d better appreciate everything that the tech team does. But they really could *NOT* have picked a worse time to strike. Especially with Fuckface in charge. Combining the worst time to strike with the worst possible thing to happen to the NYT, well, to quote one of my favorite podcast hosts – it ain’t good, that’s for sure!





So if you’re wondering if there’s any alternatives to the NYT games you love to play, well there is good news! The striking tech workers made their own versions of the games you love to play, but with a more union friendly theme! While the NYT Games dept are on strike, you can play their versions of the games, without crossing the picket lines. But one thing that the NYT should be aware of though, is that the games dept is undoubtedly its’ most profitable position. It keeps people trekking to the New York Times all year long. Yes, come for the games, stay for the news. Of course, with the news being all Fuckface all the time, you probably want to consider running from that as much as possible.



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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, I know we’re all shocked, upset, depressed and disappointed in the results of the election, now that the unholy, ungodly Dark One will once again ascend to the throne, which he absolutely in no way, shape or form deserves. And of course, I refer to him as the Unholy Dark One, because he is a creature so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! Yes, even if he is the new leader of the supposed free world, I will never speak of or refer to him by his name! Not once, not ever! So the last time we met, we talked about how the Christian right gets the Bible and history totally wrong, every single time. And it’s not a new phenomenon either. It’s been decades leading up to this point! Well, this week, we’re going to take a break from focus on one man who is one of the Dark One’s loyal minions and happens to put his name on the Holy Book. Yes, I’m talking about Lee Greenwood. Yes, you know him as the author of that song that annoys any American who doesn’t live in batshit crazy land – God Bless The USA. While Greenwood claims that his song is apolitical, his actions are anything but. In fact, he’s one of the Dark One’s unholy minions!





No, it’s not over. But of course, every single July 4th, we have to go through this bullshit, and I’m seriously thinking of changing my July 4th song to Nine Inch Nails’ The Hand That Feeds, that seems more appropriate given what’s about to happen, my fair congregation! But of course, we have to talk about the Unholy Dark One putting his hands on the Holy Book. Which, if you’ve been following our program, you know he ain’t holy, that’s for damn sure! And of course, the unholy Dark One, always finds opportunities to make a quick buck off his shitty merchandise. So what happened when he sold those god forsaken books? Well guess what signed copies were going for? Sigh… we wonder why we can’t have nice things in this country!





And not only is the devil walking among us, he’s soon going to be walking straight into the White House, and that is a damn fucking shame! Well, this might be one of the most egregious pieces of news we’ve seen yet about the GBTU singer. Remember when we said his song was apolitical? Well guess what – it isn’t. Not by a long shot! Well, he told who should be the next president of the United States, Kamala Harris, that she could use it in her rallies – but only if she asks nicely in person. To which he probably replied “Ha ha! No fuck you!”. Fart sound of course added for comedic effect. But make no mistake that Mr. Greenwood is firmly in the Dark One’s camp.





Yeah that’s the guy who wrote the most patriotic song to ever patrioted. Well, if you’re wondering, yes, you’re going to be hearing this song until your ears bleed the next four fucking years. So yes, Mr. Greenwood is firmly in the camp of his Unholiness. And of course, his Unholiness doesn’t pay anybody – but did you really expect that at this point? Of course not. But come on, the Dark One is all of the seven deadly sins rolled into one. And now this song will forever be associated with him, and that stupid version of the Holy Book too. We really do live in a bizarre timeline, don’t we, my fair congregation? I mean… I can’t even. This is like that scene from Animal House – “Thank you sir, may I have another?”.




Fucking hell. My fair congregation, I hope this was a distraction from the shit show. I need to go find the biggest, strongest glass of holy water I can find. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Tom Homan
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is Tom Homan. Yes, since Orange Fuckface stole, er, won the election, Fox News has gone into overdrive about who the next “border czar” – a position they completely made up – is going to be. Well, remember how they went into overdrive attacking Kamala Harris for not being enough of a border czar for their tastes? Guess what! They found a guy to be the next “border czar” who’s a literal fucking Nazi! Yes, meet Tom Homan. In case you’re getting James Bond villain vibes just from looking at him, well guess what? You’re not alone! You are going to be hearing this fucking guy’s name a fucking lot in the next few weeks as the transition of power goes back to Fuckface with a literal one party fucking rule. So what could go wrong, you might ask? Well, a hell of a lot. In fact, the GOP and Fox are going to bring you a literal genocide at the border and it’s not going to be fucking pretty. This guy, Tom Homan, is a hard lined enough fucking asshole that he will make it happen. Ugh, this is going to be a literal nightmare to watch unfold.





Seriously, the Fuckface admin couldn’t have found a literal fucking nazi if one had came and knocked on their door. And Fuckface is making it clear that his administration plans to go absolutely hard authoritarian, and we certainly haven’t seen the worst of it yet. In fact, a lot of people are going to die and go to prison because this fucking lunatic is in charge. Now the question on the table is will Project 2025 come to fruition? The answer is yes – it will, and a whole lot worse. In fact, who knows if the United States is going to exist on January 22nd, it’s going to be a fucking bloodbath. And everything you’ve heard will come true and worse!





Oh he’s pure fucking evil and he hasn’t even got started yet! So yes, there’s going to be a lot of talk about Fuckface’s insane plans to mass deport anyone who so much as breathes at them funny, and it’s going to get really fucking bad, really fucking quickly. So what is that going to look like? Yes, the thought of bringing literal concentration camps to American soil is going to happen whether we want it to or not, and these disgusting douchebags are going to bring them. And as we’ve been saying through this edition, we’re going to be seeing literal tyranny come to American soil. Which is absolutely insane coming from the party who constantly rails about tyranny. Yes, the hypocrisy totally reeks with these sick fucks at the helm!





That’s putting it lightly. Tom Homan and anyone who plans on working for this sick fuck, are themselves, sick fucks. And guess what? When he starts the job on January 21st, he’s going to rule with an iron fucking fist and damn anyone who stands in his way. Yes, if you’re a democratic governor in this country, he and his stupid raid team are going to plow through your driveway and destroy your car whether you want them to or not. So yes, strap in my friends. Because the worst things you’ve heard about what the Fox News administration is going to do to the border will come true. And it will all be broadcast for you on RT, er, Fox News live every night.





That’s incoming hardline Fox News Nazi, er, border czar Tom Homan, this week’s:



F-Bomb Count: 376

Record Broken: .45 – Hey that’s fitting!


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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts, after all! Now this week, since Fuckface got “elected” to the White House, again, and he plans to rule with an iron fist, there’s been a lot of talk about one of his most controversial talking points – “Make America Healthy Again”. Well, of course, Fuckface can’t talk since he eats McDonalds 3 meals a day and hasn’t had a sip of water in 15 years. I mean come on, Fuckface looks so disheveled and dehydrated that his skin could break off like ice, is the one to talk. And more specifically the guy who he tapped to MAHA, is anything but. That’s of course RFK Jr. He’s been hawking batshit crazy conspiracy theories and quack cures for years. But this latest talking point is one of his most dangerous. That is fluoride in the water supply. Which was brought to you by Alex Jones, who uses Infowars to sell you bullshit water filters and protein supplements. So this could get ridiculously bad very quickly.





It sounds OK? And not just batshit fucking crazy? Because anyone who’s not glued into the internet conspiracy theory infosphere and actually lives in, you know, reality, will tell you that this plan sounds absolutely batshit fucking crazy! And nobody started complaining about fluoride in the water supply until batshit crazy raving fucking lunatic Alex Jones first appeared on the scene! And if you’re wondering if this talking point is complete fucking bullshit, well guess what? You are absolutely 100% correct, tell them what they’ve won? Well, they have won a one way ticket to Shit Town! Because RFK Jr and his conspiracy theory quackery are going to get a lot of people killed.





Yeah really! I mean come on… these people just lie and lie and lie some more! Telling the truth is hardly in their best fucking interests. Seriously, take a moment and just imagine this for a minute. Picture RFK Jr in charge of public health. Now picture him gutting the Center For Disease Control (CDC), the Department Of Health & Human Services (HHS), the Federal Drug Administration (FDA), and pulling out of the World Health Organization (WHO). And also imagine him eliminating fluoride – something that occurs naturally – from the water supply completely. A near impossible task. You can’t, can you? Oh wait, you can, because a lot of people are going to fucking die because of this man. But the guy who’s going to be running the show now thinks it’s “OK”? SMDH.





And you know what? This is all so that fucking asshole Alex Jones can sell his sell his bullshit water filters to the fucking idiots who buy them! And if you think we’re swearing enough, well guess what? I don’t think we’re swearing enough, honey! Well, in case you’re wondering if batshit crazy inspires batshit crazy, well guess what? It’s already inspired one town in Florida, obviously, to act on it. The town of Winter Haven, in the wake of Fuckface’s helper monkey, Mr. Brain Worm, to discontinue the use of fluoride in the water supply. And yes, we were correct in our assumption that a lot of people are going to fucking die because of Mr. Brain Worm. Just wait until January. And my favorite comment is the one in this article. “I only have one brain”. Uh no you don’t.





F Bomb Count: 398

Record broken: Alpha Dog. We’ve cracked the top 10, people! Woohoo!


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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course, you know by now that People Are People, and People Are Dumb! I want to start by saying what exactly makes a People Are Dumb story. A high speed pursuit down the 405? Not a People Are Dumb story. A high speed pursuit down the 405 involving a truck carrying live chickens that crashes into a KFC? Now that’s a People Are Dumb story! And no, we got a lot of requests after the election, but we are *NOT* going to use this for people who voted for Fuckface and then regretted it after they found out what he actually fucking stands for. Nope, we may save that idea for another segment. Unlike Lee Greenwood, we’re keeping this segment apolitical. And not all People Are Dumb stories are stupid criminal stories. We do love them, though! Send us any stupid criminal stories you got! We collect them, trade them with our friends. Anyway, I want to start with this story out of Taiwan where 2 tons of irony crashed into 2 tons of irony. That’s right – a dock crane in Taipei crashed into a container ship carrying – I shit you not – more dock cranes! You really can’t make this one up!





Next up – we go to the town of Stuttgart, that’s in Germany, don’t you know? For this incredibly bizarre and disgusting story. Look, we live in an era of unbridled consumption. Even the Ancient Romans and Greeks got nothing on us. So we are not surprised that a play company in Stuttgart put on a live S&M show – the kind Queensryche sang about in Operation Mindcrime. And yes, we’re also not surprised that people fell violently ill witnessing this disgusting spectacle. For the love of god, if you’re thinking about paying people to watch something like this, uh, don’t. And if you are thinking of attending something like this, uh, don’t.





Next up – of course, we cannot get out of here without talking about our favorite state in the union – the Sunshine State. Florida. Which of course, is what Homer Simpson famously referred to it as “America’s Wang”. Yes, Florida never fails to bring the crazy week after week after week. A lot of our stories, we can thank our good friends at r/FloridaMan for providing us every week! Let’s start with this story out of Hernando County. Look, if there is one take away you get from our program, let us leave you with this advice – never impersonate cops! Under any circumstances. They ain’t playing. We see these stories all the damn time! And every single time it’s literally the same outcome and just stop it people! Stop it! This story has a twist though!





Finally this week – we go to the town of Brooksville for this one. And we know that we’re not exactly living in what would call the “safest of times” right now. We can’t even get packages delivered properly to our doors without worrying about theft. Well, one thing you should never do is use your brand new toy as a weapon. And this particular toy happened to be one of the most controversial vehicles of the entire century – the Tesla Cybertruck. And this may be the first time ever that a Cybertruck makes the People Are Dumb list. Oh and this particular story has a twist – it was a *RENTED* Cybertruck. So hope this guy has good insurance. Because this is exactly what makes a People Are Dumb story!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"] Road To The White House 2024
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Welcome back to our segment that lumps all of the election coverage of the 2024 election to end all elections in: Road To The White House! Well now that the election is over and Fuckface is coming back to the fucking throne, we’re changing the name to… Road To The Shithouse! And yes, the upside down flags and poop emojis are going to be very necessary! FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING… FUCK!!!! OK breathe. You know what? This week we’re going to talk about a new and completely unique feature to the Fuckface 47 administration – the Department Of Government Efficiency. Yes, DOGE – named after Fuckface bestie and helper monkey Elon Musk’s joke crypto currency, is going to eliminate a whole lot of jobs. And it’s going to get really fucking ugly, really fucking quickly. But before we get into what the stupid fucking DOGE is going to do, I first want to take a moment to tell you what Fuckface got himself into. He got a really annoying house guest who thinks he is the fucking president. Scary shit.





Yeah he’s like that extra character that they add in the later seasons of sitcoms when they run out of plot lines. Which is what this next fucking administration is going to do. And let’s not forget to point out the fucking irony here – the party that wants *LESS* government interference is literally creating an entire new post so that Fuckface’s personal helper monkey can have something to do. And this is the kind of bullshit we are going to have to put up with for the next four fucking years. Remember just last week, we were dreaming that he wouldn’t be a threat to democracy anymore, he’d just be a really shitty insult comic. Well, the DOGE is going to do way more damage than you could every possibly fucking imagine, and then some. This is what it’s going to entail.





Yeah, seriously. Remember that scene in Spiderman: Homecoming when they announced the Department Of Damage Control? It’s literally the real life equivalent of that. And Vivek Ramaswamy… what the fuck does that guy do, exactly? What the fuck does he do? Let us know in the comments! But we can’t emphasize just how much of a fucking nightmare this fucking administration is going to be on this country. Look, Joe Biden was a great president, but we know he wasn’t perfect. It took a lot to get the smell of stupid out of the room. But now that smell of stupid is coming back stronger than ever. So this department is going to be playing literal fucking games with people’s careers and livelihoods. But let’s point out the irony of creating a department to manage “efficiency” doing anything but that.





Yeah that’s a good question – what could possibly go wrong? Our fucking government is about to be run by a fucking meme, that’s what! And of course, some fucking eyebrows are being raised about this stupid fucking “department”. But, seriously, come on. Have you ever expected Fuckface to do anything ethical in the 8 years since he wormed his way down that fucking escalator? Of course not, and he’s not about to start now. Just when you think that it couldn’t possibly get any worse, new fucking lows are reached fucking daily with this crew. Think things are fucking bad now? Just wait until Fuckface starts announcing the Fox News fucking dream team cabinet. It’s going to get a whole lot fucking worse.





F-Bomb Count: 569

Record Broken: We did it! We tied the Wolf Of Wall Street!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, we couldn’t think of any better band to help us get our anger and frustrations out over the election than our good friends King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard! They’re touring in support of their new album Flight B741 and they’re probably going to release album 28 after this show! Playing their song “Mirage City”, give it up for our good friends King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard!



Thank you U-Conn! We are grateful for you allowing us to get our post-election anxiety off our collective chests. Sigh… it’s going to be a long 2 years isn’t it? Fuck! FUCK! Ding! And hey, we did it! We broke the Wolf Of Wall Street’s record, everybody! Next week, we’re in the Garden State – New Jersey – at Rutgers with another edition!

See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard appear courtesy of: p(doom) Records
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Jorgensen Center For The Performing Arts, University Of Connecticut, Mansfield, CT
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon at: Top10ConIdiots@mstdn.party
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

November 12, 2024

Some Top 10 announcements!

Announcement 1:

We have to take an extended hiatus because this election practically brought us to the breaking point. Had Kamala won, things would have been drastically different. But nope. Sadly we don't get nice things in this country.

Announcement 2:

November 2, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-12: We Need To Talk About Donny Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-12: We Need To Talk About Donny Edition

Ed. Note - due to the recent disruption, this is the edition we meant to post on Halloween, now 3 days late! Enjoy!

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! BooooooOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOooo!!! What’s up Ann Arbor? First off congratulations to the Los Angeles Dodgers for purchasing the World Series. Yankees, you almost made it. But seriously, anyone who ties this to the election - stop it already! No, Kamala didn't make Aaron Judge bungle that play! WTF. Moving on. So how are my ghouls doing? Are you ghouls doing fucking good? Awesome! And man, did we pick the right city for our Halloween and the pre-election special, didn't we? It has been a white hot minute since we last set foot in Central Michigan, which was what, 2019? So yeah it’s been a while! Good to see everybody on the eve of the election to end all elections! Look, I cannot stress enough how important it is to vote and to get out the vote, because we could be staring down a dictatorship if we don’t get the foul stench of Donald Trump out of the entire country. So this entire edition will be dedicated to exactly that! Because, look, we cannot have a repeat of 2016. Because the second time around, it will be infinitely worse. And I mean infinitely. Just look up Project 2025. But come on, it’s Halloween! Let’s have some fun! In fact, if you notice, my costume is Donald Trump working at McDonalds, like what we reported on last week. Ba da da da da da… I’m *NOT* loving it! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! Look, we’re in the post COVID era, and we know that COVID practically decimated the movie industry almost overnight in March of 2020. But this is one of those things where, we know that movie theaters are having a hard time staying open because of COVID and streaming. But Deadpool and Wolverine dominated the box office! You know what won’t dominate the box office? The Viewmaster movie. Yes, since the Barbie Movie became an unexpected box office phenomenon last year, Mattel has decided that every single toy that’s ever been made needs its’ own movie now. And how do you make a Viewmaster movie without it being a 2 hour infomercial? Well that’s basically what it is. The plot is described as “View-Master has inspired generations to embark on boundless adventures, offering a treasure trove of storytelling possibilities for this film”. So you don’t have a plot. We get it. At least He-Man has a plot. Ha ha ha ha, right? OK that’s enough of the intro. We have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first our buddy John Oliver is back, and this week he delves into the history of one of MAGA’s biggest cheerleaders, the God Bless The USA singer himself, Lee Greenwood:



So where do we begin this week? Well, as we said in our opening monologue, this entire edition is going to be dedicated to the election. And it’s truly insane that Fuckhead 45 could possibly be a coin flip away from the election. Holy shit, was this weekend a banner week for conservative idiocy or what? With that in mind, we’re going to dedicate the top slot of course, to the Slobfather himself (1). And while we normally don’t highlight his stupid rallies, the bullshit that was flying at his Madison Square Garden rally in New York City was quite the stuff of pure insanity! And for once, we actually agree with something Charlie Kirk said (don’t worry, we’ll explain later). In the second slot is Trump’s BFF Elon Musk (2). Yes, the Tesla / Space X / X / Boring Company / Starlink mad man may have been communicating with the enemy – premiere Russian warlord and dictator Vladimir Putin – prior to his hostile takeover of Twitter, which means it was nothing more than a political hit job. And speaking of hit jobs, two of the nation’s largest newspapers now run by psychopathic billionaires – the LA Times and Washington Post (3) – both failed to endorse Kamala, and were actually blocked by their owners. Yeah fuck both Patrick Soon-Singh and Jeff Bezos to the hottest of hells! In the number 4 slot this week is also unfortunately that guy who we inexplicably called president (4) and his rallys over the weekend in Traverse City, Michigan, and his appearance on the Joe Rogan show were the stuff of absolute disaster and the ramblings of a guy who is losing his mind on a daily basis. Which leads us to a lot of “what if” scenarios! In the number 5 slot is our segment that explores the never-ending world of relentless corporate greed in Late Stage Capitalism (5) – and this week, Disney is in some extremely hot water over a new push by corporate to move towards fully utilizing AI. Did we learn nothing from the 2023 Writers’ Strike? Of course we didn’t! In the number 6 slot this week is of course, our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week, we’re going to answer the question “Why do people who claim to love the Constitution and the Bible get it wrong every single time?”. We don’t have a definitive, answer, but we can point fingers at the people responsible! Taking the number 7 slot, sigh… we really do have to bring back our segment that explains humor to those who still don’t get it in “Explaining Jokes To Idiots” (7) and look, that right wing “comedian” who spoke at the MSG rally? It’s not just a “joke”, it’s who they are. No. in the number 8 slot this week is our weekly venture into online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week, there’s an increasing number of right wingers, led by Mr. Brain Worm himself, Robert F. Kennedy Jr, who are grasping onto a bizarre new theory that drinking raw milk is good for you. Spoiler alert! No, it is not! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have a new I Need A Drink (9) – is this the end of the once beloved supermarket chain known as K-Mart? The store that gave us the “Blue Light Special” and the “Attention K Mart Shoppers” mantra may finally be closing its’ doors for good. Finally this week, And finally, in our weekly roundup of election coverage in Road To The White House (10) - think this election is going to spared from 3rd party madness? Well you're wrong, and there's a couple of new faces who could wreak havoc at the polls! Have we learned nothing from 2016? No. Plus to cap things off, we have some live music from the legendary Knocked Loose! Buy their new album "You Won't Go Until You're Supposed To" or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Here we are. 5 days out from the fucking election. And let me tell you something – I am nervous as all hell. Yes, we need to get our shit together. The fate of the free world is at stake here. So for the sake of this piece, you know we love a good movie reference around here. And I can’t think of no better reference to use than the 2015 psycho mass murder flick “We Need To Talk About Kevin”. But in this case, let’s call it “We Need To Talk About Donny”. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… somehow putting Trump’s picture on that poster makes it look even more evil! Yes, we need to talk about Donny. While the official Top 10 stance is that we normally shy away from talking about Trump’s rallies and Fox News appearances, because day in and day out, he says some ridiculously crazy shit. But this clip from last Sunday’s rally at New York’s Madison Square Garden may have been one of the most extreme things ever said from any Trump rally in the last 8 years so far. But that’s extremely telling. And it’s who MAGA is. It’s what they’ve been building up to the last 8 years.





Yeah, right? We’ve been covering Trump’s schtick for nearly 8 years now, and it’s insane as to what is going on. He’s been on what might call his “revenge tour”. Because if he doesn’t get elected president in the election next week, he’s going down. And he’s taking a lot of people in his camp with him, should Kamala assume victorious! But the closing arguments for the election are painting two drastically different pictures. Harris delivered one in the area of the National Mall in Washington DC known as the Ellipse, where Trump gave his speech in 2020 prior to the January 6th Insurrection. Her speech was filled with hope and inspiration. Trump’s on the other hand, well, very on brand for everything we’ve been seeing the last few months.





Yeah, seriously, WTF. You know, at this point, if we were in a normal timeline, would be when some guys in white coats come and take Trump aside for a nice little chat. This definitely isn’t a Bluto from Animal House moment. This is the opposite of that. It’s a “what the fuck are we doing as a society” moment. And he can’t hire Fox News approved “doctor” Ronny Jackson to cheat and rig his way out of this one. Ronny Jackson got rewarded for rigging his cognitive test with a permanent job as a Fox News installed member of Congress. What the actual fuck! Rupert Murdoch does not own us. OK, rant over, stay on target! Yes, Trump’s decline is definitely a huge concern and we could be a Big Mac away from a JD Vance dictatorship! And who’s to say he won’t leave?





Well, fucking duh! Where were you like four months ago when we could have, you know, done something about it? We are watching Trump in his last legs and he wants to be remembered for all eternity. Well, he will be. But not for the reasons he’s thinking about. He will be remembered for the hate and division he sowed and thrived on, as well as being the tyrannical dictator who overturned Roe V Wade out of spite, despite his minions in Congress lying under oath saying they wouldn’t. Not only is Trump looking more exhausted by the day, he’s also looking dehydrated and disheveled. But seriously, if Trump’s decline is such a concern, why wait until now? Oh yeah it’s because America’s billionaires are out to destroy the country and profit from it, that’s why.






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[font size="8"]Elon Musk
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We all know what a political hit job is. And that term has been thrown around a lot lately, but there’s one that’s more evident than anything was the hostile takeover of Twitter by the Mad Man of Tesla, Elon Musk. Yes, he’s not just the CEO of X, he’s also the platform’s biggest shit poster! But now, almost 2 years after the takeover, we’re learning more and more about what may have caused him to spend and waste nearly $44 billion on the acquisition. Yes, he may have been talking with the Moscow Mad Man himself, Vladimir Putin. Yes, the fascist slimebag in chief, supreme bad guy of bad guys, and premiere Russian warlord may have been the catalyst for Elon’s hostile takeover of X, and why he’s such a Trump / MAGA fanboy. Yet, remember back in the middle years of the Trump administration, how we were told that we couldn’t question MAGA’s ties to Russia? Yeah, it’s becoming more clear about why we can’t do that – they are all in on it! Yes, we called that shit back in 2017! And it couldn’t be more evident now in 2024, with American democracy on the line!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Remember all the shit we got for questioning why the GOP was suddenly becoming the biggest Russian fanboys? Well, who’s laughing now? And it’s way past time to reopen the investigation. We get charging a lot of people may take some time. Like that scene in the Dark Knight when Harvey Dent takes down half of Gotham’s mafia in a single trial. It would be nice if we could get most of the GOP that way, but that’s wishful thinking at this point. But the fact that Elon’s basically a gateway between the GOP and big daddy Vladdy is well, it’s troublesome to say the least. At least Bernie Sanders gets it!





Yes, that is a good question! What could that mean for Elon’s security clearance contracts with the United States government? Come on, you and I both know that it won’t mean a damn thing, because Elon is the richest guy in the world. He can buy and sell his way out of any trial that might come out of this incident. But even the head of NASA is concerned that Elon knows way more about the US’s space operations than he probably should. Is Elon passing these secrets onto the king fascist himself? It’s entirely possible. Especially after we know that Trump kept boxes of top secret documents including the locations of America’s weapons stash in a bathroom at Mar-A-Shithole.





Seriously, right? Growing up, we were always taught that Russia was the bad guy. Especially now that they’re headed by a guy who is sowing hate, discord, and distrust all around the world and replacing competent leaders with insane cronies in his quest to become supreme overlord of earth. So you know who wins in this unholy alliance? I’ll give you a hint – it’s not us. And it’s becoming more evident that it’s not fascism that we need to worry about that’s taking over the US. It’s oligarchism. There’s 700 billionaires in the US. There’s 320 million of us. Let’s make them sure in November that we are not their personal property, and the United States government isn’t their personal plaything. Our representatives work for us, not Elon Musk and Fox News.






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[font size="8"]Patrick Soon-Singh and Jeff Bezos
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Look, people, the election is 5 days away. 5! 5! 5! This is literally the 11th hour! And we’ve got to get our shit together to stop the fascist evil that is currently lurking in this country. But the “undecided” people are definitely not helping. You know who else isn’t helping? Two of America’s largest newspapers – the Los Angeles Times and the Washington Post. And you’re probably wondering – “Hey! Aren’t these two papers part of the liberal media?”. Well you’d think so. But since the Los Angeles Times got usurped in 2018 by billionaire Patrick Soon-Shiong, it’s been trending way more in the conservative direction than in the past. Same with the Washington Post, which got bought by Jeff Bezos in 2020. Yes, that Washington Post. The same one who’s been screaming at us for 8 years “democracy dies in darkness!!”. Yeah, I have the coffee mug sitting on my desk at our home office in Santa Ana. But it’s insane that the people who’ve been screaming that democracies die in darkness, well guess what? You just killed democracy in broad dayilight. Cause of death? Murder by billionaire.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Look, here’s why this is dangerous. We know that America’s billionaires are out for absolute power and one party rule, because they directly benefit from getting more billions. And we’d like to tell them where they can shove their ill gotten gains. Yes, straight up their asses! Not endorsing either candidate is worse than taking a stand. Both papers would lose subscribers either way. Even if you take a stand, you can say “they took the wrong stand”. But by not taking a stand, you’re basically telling your subscribers to go fuck themselves. Especially your loyal liberal audience. We think we might have a theory about this and we’ll tell you in a second.





Yes, they suck. But look, we can’t help but think this is a deliberate political hit job designed to sow distrust in the two largest newspapers in the country. Two that have been remaining staunchly liberal until this year. And we can totally understand not wanting to be on Trump’s enemies list. Which is to say we do not know how, with everything we know about Donald Trump at this point, to endorse anyone but Harris and Walz. This is dangerous. You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. And this is absolutely no surprise. The Washington Post lost a shit ton of subscribers and there may be more where that came from. The LA Times? They’re about to lose key staff too!





Like fuck you don’t! You’re the CEO! Not the editorial president! You control the business end of the paper. And look, this is the United States of America, not the United States of Fox News. Rupert Murdoch is not the supreme overlord of the United States. We are not his personal property. You can, you know, stand up to him! We have this thing called the 1st Amendment that will protect you. But no, this is how democracies die in darkness – when people become so power hungry that they can’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground. Do you want dictators? Because this is how you get dictators. You can stand up to Trump. Bullies back down when you kick them in the ass. And we need to do that to Trump, hard.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Look, I know that the Top 10’s official policy is to not talk about Trump’s rallies or Fox News appearances because there’s like one literally every single day now. And the answer is yes, it does get extremely tedious keeping up with all of the bullshit, which is flying fast and rather furiously. But there’s one aspect of the rallies that hasn’t been covered in the press as much as it should – people are leaving early, and his attendance is dwindling. People have had enough of MAGA hatred and it’s really starting to show, even amongst Trump’s most loyal hardcore followers. And a couple of weeks ago, we brought you the story of Trump stranding his supporters in the Coachella desert in California, but really, to give him the benefit of the doubt, it wasn’t his fault, he can’t help that his fans are shitty, disgusting excuses for human beings. But the fact that even Trump’s most diehard followers are leaving his rallies early, is a sign that maybe the tide is finally starting to turn. And no, Sky News, you don’t get to say that people are leaving Kamala’s rallies early too. It doesn’t work that way. But it all started in Las Vegas a few weeks ago when Harris pointed out Trump’s dwindling crowd sizes.





Yeah.. why isn’t there a giant cartoon hook grabbing him off stage? Good question! So why are people leaving Trump rallies, early, you might ask? And why isn’t the press covering this? Well for one thing – exhaustion. In regards to Trump’s rally in Traverse City, Michigan – he left them out in the cold for three hours while he went and barfed his brain on the Joe Rogan show. To which we say – 3 fucking hours? I mean even the best talk show host in the world couldn’t keep an audience interested for an entire 3 hours, let alone 15 minutes. And by the time he actually got to the stage, people have had enough. So seriously, it sounds like the last time Kanye West played a live show before he went crazy.





Ha ha ha ha… great movie! So this begs the question – why is Trump still polling at 50% in the polls right now? It’s because the 700 billionaires in this country – aka the fuckheads (powers) that be – are trying to manipulate us. They don’t want a free and prosperous America. It’s not in their best interests. They want us divided, miserable, and fighting with each other over petty, stupid bullshit. Hell, even at his extremist rally at New York’s Madison Square Garden, which we covered early in this week’s edition, people were spotted leaving the venue early. I mean come on, of all the reasons you could visit New York City, this is what you choose to get you out of the house? Well guess what, not only did people leave early, they were left stranded before they got in.





I know, right? This is where it gets sad – or in Trump’s words – SAD!, that people are leaving early – it’s because he’s too damn late! Crap, when I was in community college, we got to leave early if the teacher was 20 minutes late. But three hours? And people still stuck around? What are you doing? Are your lives so empty that this is your only form of entertainment? When you could choose to be entertained by literally anything else, you choose this bullshit? What’s wrong with you? 3 hours and Trump should be speaking to an empty venue. Even his most die-hard supporters would head for the gates at that point, so what’s stopping them? WTF! But of course, like nearly everything with these clowns, it’s *NEVER* their fault. It’s always someone else’s fault.






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[font size="8"]Late Stage Capitalism: Disney Embraces AI
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Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents:

“Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.” – Gordon Gekko, Wall St. (1987)

When corporate profits are at an all time high, there is nowhere else to go but to make more millions.

There is corporate greed, and then there is:



Welcome back to our segment on the relentless pursuit of never-ending corporate greed, Late Stage Capitalism! Sure, it’s not enough to make $50 billion, you need $150 billion! You need to be able to tank entire countries while you jet off in your penis-shaped rocket to the vast emptiness of deep space! This week, another week, another time the corporation known as Disney does something stupid. Yes, lost in the sea of shitty news story after shitty news story, was the Mouse House getting into some hot water over their full embrace and utilization of artificial intelligence. Yes, don’t boo yet. Now, you might be thinking – “Hey wait a minute, wasn’t that the subject of the Hollywood writer’s strike to end all strikes last year?”. To which I would answer, you are correct sir or madam! But in the never-ending quest for profit and to enhance Bob Iger’s bottom line and to fellate the shareholders, which of course reeks of shades of what Boeing is going through right now. But really, nearly all of our current problems can be traced back to billionaire CEOs and the shareholder class. And of course, this is absolutely no exception.





So come on, people! Have we learned nothing from the 2023 Writer’s Strike? Apparently not. But the question is – is AI taking over Disney or is Disney taking over AI? Well, there’s a couple of trains of thought on this. It seems like every company that has a net worth on NASDAQ is taking on their own AI initiatives! To which the rest of us are saying – “OMG! They’re coming for our jobs!!!!”. And yes, MAGA, illegal immigrants aren’t taking over your jobs. Automation and artificial intelligence are! Don’t blame the few, or if you’re watching Fox, 32 million coming over the border to take your jobs. Yes, that’s almost as much as the population of the greater LA area. Surely someone would have seen that! But you know who’s really responsible for your jobs disappearing? Blame the rise of the machines!





So if you work for the Mouse House, and you’re wondering if this new push towards automation and artificial intelligence will have an impact on your jobs, well guess what? You bet your ass it will! Because, wait for it – the assholes that be are already discussing layoffs when this AI technology is implemented at all levels. And yes, for those of you boycotting the entertainment industry because of AI and greedy-ass CEOs, guess what? Your job is at stake too! And why does their financial position “need to be improved”? Oh yeah it’s because the greedy-ass CEO class needs some new yachts and penis shaped rockets to one-up each other! So yeah, the economy is great if you’re of the billionaire CEO class, it sucks for everybody else, and in the end, everyone gets screwed including you and me!





No they’re not from Dreamworks. But here’s where Bob Iger and other CEOs who are thinking about going all in on artificial intelligence need to know. AI can be used for good as well as evil. It can be used for fake and real. In fact, one example came out of the devastation of Hurricane Helene. Helene, which went nowhere near Orlando, was used by an online group to generate images of Disneyland as if it was flooded. And you know what? It worked… until it didn’t. And you know who suffers in the end when stuff like this gets implemented? It’s not the CEO class. They never suffer, because they have all of the money and they just want more. Nope, it will be us who patronizes the CEO class. Strap in, because we are in it for the long haul!








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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know this week, we’re going to answer a question that is as old as time itself. That question is – why do the most hardcore religious among us always get it wrong when it comes to the Bible? And also the Constitution? Which that comes courtesy of our good friend, the MAGA alt right pseudo-historian David Barton, who we will get to in a minute. But today’s god fearing Christian folks don’t worship GAWD or JAYSUS! Oh no, they worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man who is so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! So why do the holiest among us always get it wrong, my fair congregation? I mean we do not have a definitive answer to that question. But, we can most certainly point fingers at the people who we think might be responsible for this atrocity. Herein lies the problem – part of it is that they got some of the stupidest people alive elected to positions that they don’t belong in, just so that they can maintain power. The holiest among us are also the most power addicted. And it’s truly insane what they are currently up to!





Yes, therein lies the problem, my fair congregation! They think that they own the government and are entitled to power, because those are the hate and lies that they’ve been fed by their pastors, talk radio hosts, and news networks for the last 40 years! And as you know, when you repeat the lie long enough, it eventually becomes fact. Which has caused a lot of people – particularly *COUGH* Rupert Murdoch *COUGH* - to use that to their advantage! But it’s absolutely insane that the holiest among us constantly get facts wrong in favor of extremism. This is what happens when people start favoring conspiracy theories over, you know, facts.





Now here’s what I want to know – nowhere in the Bible does it say that GAWD created America, absolutely nowhere! Except of course in that Bible endorsed by the unholy Dark One and his sidekick Lee Greenwood, maybe that’s an exception! But of course, they just keep repeating it. Like no matter how many times you tell them they’re wrong, they just keep saying the same thing over and over. It’s like talking to a brick wall. It’s so damn frustrating! How did we get to this point, my fair congregation? The answer is we don’t know! But, like I said, even if we don’t know, we can certainly point fingers at the people responsible! It’s a way too literal circle jerk at this point.





Uh… fucking what???? That is a statement that is so stupid, that I cannot even begin to remotely comprehend it. It might be one of the single stupidest things I’ve ever seen in my entire history of doing this program! Not only did they fail American history, they also failed basic English. These are the people who say that we must speak it too. If I were an English teacher and someone said that “select means elect”, they would get an instant fail! And this guy is a SENATOR of the UNITED STATES! What the absolute fuck are we doing in this country, people? Ted Cruz doesn’t belong in the Senate, he belongs in Arkham Asylum! Just… ahhhhhh!!! But lies like this don’t just pop up overnight. It takes years of formation and repeating them before people start believing them. But these people clearly don’t know how anything works!




Sigh… there you have it, my fair congregation! The reason why we cannot have nice things in this country, and we have only begun to scratch the surface. I need some strong holy water after this one, that was an unfathomable amount of stupid there! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Explaining Jokes To Idiots
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Yes, it’s the segment where we in the comedy profession explain humor to the people who just quite don’t get it. And in fact, we want to compare this to an incident that we reported on here a few weeks ago, when our good friend Kyle Gass of Tenacious D made a joke on stage in Australia about how someone should have – and I’m quoting directly – “should have finished the job” when it came to Trump’s “assassination attempt”. Well this week, of course we don’t need to remind you of the MAGA hate fest that went on at Madison Square Garden over the weekend. But of all the hateful things that were said at that rally, there’s one joke in particular that’s been garnering some attention and we’ll explain that in a bit. And it’s caused the Trump campaign to go into serious damage control mode. And we really do miss the days when this would have been a campaign ender. You know, the phrase “stochastic terrorism” gets thrown around these days. But there’s just one side that’s doing it. When you call an entire US territory an “island of garbage” and suggest that the half of the country that doesn’t support Orange Man Baby “need to be slaughtered”, how can you *NOT* take offense? So how is it fair that Tenacious D gets flushed and this guy is allowed to continue? Make it make sense! But with this crowd, it’s never their fault. Not today, not ever!





Yes, Mr. Swanson is absolutely correct here. Freedom of speech is a fundamental right guaranteed to you in the United States Bill Of Rights. And just to preface, before we go any further, we’re not at all defending what Mr. Hinchcliffe said in the slightest. In fact, we’re downright horrified by it. Because here’s the thing – do we really have to explain what a joke is to people? Because whatever this is, definitely isn’t it. But while this was maybe the worst said at the MSG hatefest on Sunday, there were other “jokes” that were far more horrifying. Look, people. This isn’t just a mere “joke” or two. This is who Donald Trump really is. He’s been hinting at this on his social media hidey-hole for years. And it’s not by accident, it’s by design.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! So yeah here’s the thing, like we said, it’s not just a gaffe here or there. This is who Donald Trump really is. Like think of it like those scenes in action movies when the bad guy reveals who he really is before the hero finishes him off for good in the final battle to end all battles. Here’s the thing for those defending the insane comments coming from Mr. Hitchcliffe – it’s one thing to say this stuff. Calling an entire US territory – who are United States citizens – an “island of garbage” – is like the equivalent of just flat out burning the flag. Yeah, like Seinfeld! Yes, that episode that was actually banned from TV for a while because of it. I mean, if the networks can ban Seinfeld, why can’t a giant cartoon hook yank losers like this off stage?





Seriously. So let me get this straight – Tony Hitchcliffe – a guy who I’ve never heard of until Sunday, gets to continue making racist jokes and suggesting that people be killed, while Trump gets to say that America is a land of garbage on national TV, and nobody calls them out for this? Of course not, and don’t ask Trump to denounce or clarify these statements. Because after 8 years, we’re convinced that Trump is incapable of apologizing or doing the right thing. Or even saying “I’m sorry” because that’s definitely not in his vocabulary. But anyway, maybe next time you should vent your speakers as opposed to filling your rally with ass kissers and Fox News bots. Oh wait, they don’t do that either, it’s always someone else’s fault! And PR rep – you’re absolutely wrong. Those words absolutely 100% do represent the Trump campaign. It’s who they are.







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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts, after all! This week – with all the talk of Donald Trump becoming our next president, god forbid, one member of his possible cabinet isn’t getting the comeuppance, and that is Mr. Brain Worm himself, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. In all seriousness, for a minute, can you imagine putting this stark raving, criminally insane lunatic conspiracy theorist in charge of America’s public health? It would be a literal nightmare scenario. But he is currently endorsing an extremely bizarre trend popping up on the right lately, and that involves drinking raw milk. Yes, raw milk can be the catalyst for a number of debilitating diseases. So really don’t do this, people! But apparently, according to Infowars, the government regulating the dairy industry is going way too far. Which is why we can’t have nice things.





Yeah so of course, again, because of stupid, shitty propaganda, we cannot have nice things in this country. And of course, leave it to the one Congresswoman who literally has the wrong answer to every question ever asked, Marjorie Greene, aka Marjorie Shit For Brains, to once again have the wrong answer to every question. Should you drink raw milk? Absolutely 100% you should not. And should you listen to idiots like Alex Jones? Absolutely 100% you should not. Look, we do have the right to freedom of speech in this country. You get the right to say whatever you want. But I also get the right to mock the ever-living shit of you. See, MAGA, we’re laughing *AT* you, not with you.





Yes, in fact, one of the biggest sellers and promoters of raw milk, HuHill Farms in Texas, got caught with their proverbial pants down by the state Agriculture Department. So regardless of what you hear in the right wing conspiracy theory sphere, drinking raw milk, shocker, is bad for you! And what’s really insane is that this is the second time that the farm has been warned about selling this shit. You know, the GOP really has become the “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me” party. Which is the exact opposite of what the Rage Against The Machine song suggests. So yeah of course, my friends – fool me once on drinking raw milk, shame on you. Fool me twice on drinking raw milk, guess what? You got intestinal parasites! I think that’s how the rhyme goes.





Now here’s the thing – you might be wondering, where is this shit coming from? Well, if the raw milk conspiracy has proven us anything, it’s that if you spend too much time on social media, you’ll probably believe just about anything they put in front of you. And also that the marketing they’re using to prove that raw milk is good for you, is 100% grade A, FDA certified bullshit. And a giant, steaming pile of it at that. So for what could be our next administration, to put a raving lunatic like RFK Jr in charge of public health would be like giving the alcoholic the keys to the liquor cabinet. But really, it also proves that you shouldn’t listen to idiots on social media. Really, just don’t. RFK Jr and Marjorie Greene are the very people your mother told you to stay away from. Listen to mom, kids.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink: The End Of K-Mart
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So of course, you know the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking, we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because, if you haven’t noticed, there’s a lot of really dark shit in the news right now. So we always feel that the best escape from reality is to belly up to the bar and have a few cold ones. Don’t worry, my sober brothers and sisters, we got you covered too! Just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea, or energy drink and come get wired with us! So the topic on the table this week – we’re going to salute the supermarket chain that us 80s and 90s kids are all too familiar with. The store that gave us the Blue Light Special and “Attention K-Mart Shoppers”, K-Mart! Yes, the last known K-Mart store in existence – on Long Island, New York, is finally closing its’ doors for good. So tell me, bartender, what goes well with a story about K-Mart? The Blue Light Martini? What’s in that? It’s just vodka and blue curacao? Nah, I’ll just stick to my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it the Double Jack. Anyway, the retail chain known as K-Mart is going to be leaving us for good soon. As Walter Sobchak on the Big Lebowski said at the end of the movie “Goodnight, sweet prince!”. But alas, K-Mart, we salute you!





Oh yeah that’s the stuff! So we’ve been talking about the retail apocalypse for quite some time now, going all the way back to 2012 when Jeff Bezos’ Amazon began taking over the world. Yes, brands left and right have been knocked off and replaced by Spirit Halloween stores. Ha ha ha ha ha! We expect to hear from Spirit Halloween’s lawyers soon! But a lot of brands that we’ve known for decades have been lost like Bed Bath & Beyond, Borders, and so on. And we’re quite frankly surprised that K-Mart has held on this long. But alas, the big Red K is closing its’ doors for good this week. It was interesting to see the retail chain on its’ last legs.





Yes, my friends – there is one tiny little bit of hope for those who are still interested in doing some actual shopping, as opposed to the convenience of the one-click buy you get from Amazon. But in doing that, you get the lack of personal interaction that you get from the people who still actually scan products for a living. That gleam of hope in keeping the K-Mart brand alive comes from their last store in Miami, Florida. While the one in New Hampton was their last full size store, this half store is the last remaining shred of a once retail giant. Yes, K-Mart, like Blockbuster, first there were many, now there are few, soon there will be none!





Yes, many brands have been resurrected through social media campaigning. Could K-Mart be the latest one? Blockbuster Video is hanging on by a thread, with their one lone location still operating in Bend, Oregon. On the other hand, bookseller Barnes & Noble is currently thriving thanks to the percentage of the population that still wants to hang onto brick and mortar retail. While it may be a very fast dying industry, there’s hope that we can still save America’s malls, mini malls, and strip malls. And we need some things to get us out of the house and away from our monitors! But the question remains, my friends – will K-Mart join the dying breed of the market chain retail sect, or will it be resurrected through social media? Only time will tell on that one!






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[font size="8"] Road To The White House 2024
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Welcome back to our segment that lumps all of the election coverage of the 2024 election to end all elections in: Road To The White House! Ooh that was some good reverb there! So look, we’re literally on the eve of the election. It’s next Tuesday! 5 days from now! And we’re going to talk about some actual election stealing probables this week: 3rd party candidates! Look, for those who are watching this election from another country – let me let you in on a little secret about voting 3rd party in the United States. Nobody actually votes 3rd party because they support any of the candidates, which is why, since 1980, none of them actually has a fighting chance to become the next leader of the USA. Instead, voting 3rd party is not just a choice – it’s a spite vote. Yes, in the United States, people vote 3rd party, not because they support the candidate, they vote to take away votes from the one of two people who could actually become president. And it’s purely out of spite. Most famously was Jill Stein of the Green Party in the 2016 election that siphoned votes away from Hillary Clinton. But this year there’s some new faces looking to do some damage to the popular vote. Starting with our buddy, Mr. Brain Worm himself, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Yes, he went all in on the MAGA train a few months ago, but his name is still on the ballot in states like California and Michigan. So how much damage could he do to the actual vote totals? Well, depending on your sources – they range from “a little” to “ a hell of a lot”.





Uh… what? Is the worm still in your brain? This is a political move? You do know what happened in previous elections, right? I mean come on. Especially with this SCOTUS, I’m really surprised that they ruled that way. So maybe batshit crazy conspiracy theories aren’t your thing. While we have largely avoided the terrible atrocities being committed in Gaza and Palestine, one thing we do have to touch on is that the jealous girlfriend to the democratic and republican party juggernauts is the Green Party an d Jill Stein. Could Stein cause a repeat of what happened in the 2016 elections? Well, unlike the 2016 election – where Stein’s votes hurt Hillary Clinton more than Donald Trump – this year, they could have the exact opposite effect.





Well if that’s the case here, I’m all for it! But look, people, one thing you should never ever do, under any circumstances, is throw your vote away. No matter what your reason. Yes, this year, no matter what your opinions on Kamala Harris or Donald Trump are, don’t do something stupid. This week we’ve already highlighted the importance of why not endorsing a candidate matters, and we’ve never had to worry about that until a candidate as insane and unhinged as Donald Trump came along. But throwing away your vote for a candidate like Jill Stein or writing in a vote for someone like Cornel West is jaw-dropping, incredibly stupid. And with the GOP as reckless, drunk with power, and completely out of control as our current one is, and how our democracy is literally hanging by a thread right now, why would you throw your vote away on a fringe candidate? Save that until after Donald Trump and his fascist goons are flushed for good!





Seriously, people, don’t you dare do this. Sure, it may be tempting, but come on, with everything we know about Donald Trump and the damage he and his Heritage Foundation and Federalist Society goons do in one week, let alone 4 years, don’t throw your vote away under any circumstances! You can vote in as many surveys and polls as you want. You only get one vote. And on the eve of the election – we ask, no, we beg and plead you, don’t you dare do anything stupid with your vote! And make sure that your vote is processed and counted for. We won’t be safe until the votes are counted and the states have certified that count. Anything can happen between now and then. But whatever you do, under any circumstances, don’t vote 3rd party or vote against Kamala with a write-in vote. You may not like the outcome if you do. And you undecided voters out there – what the fuck are you waiting for? SMDH.






[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Knocked Loose[/font]

All right, everyone! Let’s get this Halloween party started! My next guest is a legendary hardcore band from Kentucky. Their new album is called “You Won’t Go Before You’re Supposed To”. Playing their song “Don’t Reach For Me”, give it up for Knocked Loose!



Thank you Ann Arbor! This was fun! We’ll be back again soon! But first I’d like to leave you with a very important message.

Look, I know that we’ve been bringing you the free funny for 8 years now, but I have to be perfectly blunt and serious with you for a minute. And this may be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say in the time we’ve been doing this program. Yes, there was a time when we were simply burned out from election coverage, and we were dreading Trump coming out on top against Biden in the rematch, but not anymore. We cannot stress how important it is to vote and to get out the vote. There is too much at stake in this election and we must stop Trump, Fox, the Heritage Foundation, the Federalist Society, and his fascist goons from worming their way back into the White House at all costs. We could be staring down a fascist dictatorship if he wins, and nobody will win in that scenario, we would all lose. In a dictatorship, nobody, and I mean nobody is safe, and that includes you and me, among others. They were literally advocating for mass murder of Trump’s opponents at his Madison Square Garden rally, and they are cheering on mass deportations of anyone they would conceive to be “illegal”, what could possibly go wrong there? Trump has revealed his true intentions, and they are utterly despicable, and truly, truly beyond evil.

Throwing your vote away or voting 3rd party, because of whatever reason you may have, is incredibly irresponsible, reckless, and stupid. In the immortal words of the late, great, Francis Vincent Zappa, “Register to vote, and vote. Otherwise, someone else may decide to do it for you.” Truer words have never been spoken, especially now. Please, for the love of every single god in the book, do the right thing. Vote for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz. Any other answer is the wrong answer. There is no greater reward for this country than flushing Trump and his goons down the sewer for good. Vote, and vote as if your life depends on it. Because right now, it just might. We will be taking next week off, because you don’t need to see our BS during the election until the dust settles. And until the dust settles, we can only imagine the shit show that's going to follow once the votes are cast, and the news will most likely change every 30 seconds, and it will be impossible for us to keep up. We’ll just sit here and twiddle our thumbs and watch amusing dog videos on Instagram until then. Oh look! That terrier is chasing it's own tail! I'd like to close out by saying thanks for being a part of this program for 8 years. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for our loyal audience. So until after the election, we’re out. See you on the other side.

See you in two weeks! Also don't forget this Sunday - episode 2 of our spinoff program Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons!

Credits

Host: Initech
Knocked Loose Appear Courtesy Of: Pure Noise Records
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Hill Auditorium, University Of Michigan, Ann Arbor, MI
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

October 24, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-11: If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-11: If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! What’s up Villanova, how you guys doing? Sold us out again! You guys doing fucking good? Great! I’m sure you know, next week is our last regular Top 10 before the general election. Holy shit, time flies, doesn’t it? Well of course, as is tradition, like we have done with the 2020 and 2016 elections, we’re taking a breather, we’re sitting this one out. Because we don’t need to remind you that, until the dust settles and Kamala is declared the rightful winner, you don’t need to see our bullshit. We’ll just sit here and twiddle our thumbs and stare at amusing dog videos on our Instagram feeds until the dust settles. But in the meantime, until we return, we’ve got not one, but two episodes of our spinoff program Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons for your enjoyment! In the first episode, we take a look at religious themed movies hitting the box office, and in the second, we’re going to take a look at batshit insane Oklahoma superintendent Ryan Walters going full MAGA Taliban. Plus we’ve got four more to come! OK, do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! OK, who here has been to Sea World? Well, regardless of what you think about the San Diego staple, the park is under fire because a whale had what the press release is calling a “gastric episode”. Yes, you heard that correctly. In the middle of a show, no less. So that’s right – the tourists attending the whale show got covered in, well, whale shit. Which of course is causing the park to do some major damage control. Like, I always love when a story like this breaks and you see the press release from HR that says something like “We always strive to put on the best product we possibly can”. Really? I mean… I’m sure they probably plan for everything, but I’m not sure that whale diarrhea was in their plans. But you can imagine there were some pretty angry tourists who were attending that show. Of course, will this get resolved in time? Maybe, maybe not. But anyway the press release is unintentionally hilarious and it’s definitely worth reading. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to! But first the Daily Show’s editorial of the week is from LaVerne Cox, who has some insights into the insane conspiracy-fueled GOP war on the LGBT and especially the T community:



So where do we begin for this week? Well, the number one slot is of course that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, and is scarily a coin flip away from becoming our next one again – Donald Trump (1). He’s had quite the week, and after his batshit crazy town hall last week, what is he hiding about his mental capacity? If that wasn’t rock bottom, what is? WTF! In the second slot is also Donald Trump (2). He’s canceling most of his appearances this week and going full mob boss in regards to his favorite news network hidey hole – Fox News. So what exactly is going on with this guy? Well, we intend to find out! In the number 3 slot this week, we have to talk about a bizarre conspiracy theory that seems to rear its’ ugly head and is mainly nothing more than outrage bait – the notion that trans athletes in sports (3) have an advantage over biological females. But we’re calling their bluff – the people complaining have probably never actually seen a real women’s sporting event, have they? Of course they haven’t. In the number 4 slot this week, we’ve normally been avoiding the polls (4) because there’s just too many of them and it’s impossible to keep up with what’s trending or not, but apparently the betting markets are going all in on Asshole 45, but why? We hope they are wrong. In the number 5 slot this week is the return of our segment on the plight of the world’s most insane monstrosity on 4 wheels – Cyberstruck (5)! Yes, Tesla has been getting into the law enforcement business, and no, it’s not exactly what Elon had in mind. In fact, real police officers think differently! In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week, could the far right achieve their ultimate goal of a total nationwide abortion ban? Well they’re hedging their bets on this and it’s all the wrong people! In the number 7 slot this week, we’re profiling the extremely controversial far right MAGA worshipping pastor of Cavalry Church in Chino Hills, California, Jack Hibbs (7) in a new “This Fucking Guy”! Taking the number 8 slot this week is our weekly venture into the never ending world of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8), and this week, with the right wing screaming like spoiled toddlers about “election integrity”, the AG of Texas, Ken Paxton, has a scheme of his own. What is it? We don’t know, but it’s there! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new I Need A Drink – we have to go across the pond to our good friends in the UK for this story, because a uniquely British sport – Conker – is involved in a massive cheating scandal, which is too weird the more you dig into it! Finally this week, it’s time for our weekly election round up in Road To The White House (10), and this week, Kamala steps out of her comfort zone and invades Trump’s turf when she’s interviewed on Fox News, and she definitely scored some points! Unless, of course, you watch Fox News for more than 5 minutes. Plus to cap things off, we have live music from Imagine Dragons! Buy their new album "Loom" or you are no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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We don’t need to tell you what an absolutely banner and incredibly bizarre week it’s been for Donald Trump. And this was after last week, which was equally batshit insane. We even planned to have this entire space be about his bizarre town hall appearance where he just stood there and played songs off an iPad for nearly 40 minutes. And come on, nothing gets the party going like Ave Maria, am I right? You don’t know! You don’t know. Also in the news which we don’t even have time for this week, is that Trump launched his own line of cryptocurrency, which, since everyone knows that you don’t read the fine print, 70% of that money goes to Trump family members, because let’s face it, living the private jet Louis Vitton mega mansion lifestyle is hard, yo! And they need money! NOT. But this week, in what was an apparent F-U to Kamala saying that her first job was at a McDonalds, he decided to head to a suburbian McDonalds drive-thru and pretended to cosplay as a McDonalds employee. Which, this might be one of the weirdest campaign stops ever.





Ba da da da da da … I’m *NOT* loving it! To give Trump the benefit of the doubt, this might be the first time in his entire life that he’s ever done any real, actual work. Even if it’s just for fifteen minutes. Oh and the other thing they probably forgot to tell you – the particular McDonalds franchise in question that he chose was run by a die-hard MAGA fan and was currently closed for health inspection and code violations. Which, come on, if the rumors about Trump’s lack of hygiene and his adult diaper usage are true, that place is practically a level 3 biohazard. Not quite Chernobyl or COVID at the beginning of March 2020 level, but certainly enough that you should at least quarantine and wipe down everything accordingly.





Oh and by the way, in case you’re wondering, why yes, of course Trump is using this campaign stop to hawk more of his shitty merchandise, in this case – t-shirts. Ha ha ha ha!!! Yes, hello lawsuit! Got to love it when the people in the audience are funnier than you are! Thank you, sir. Moving on, but this campaign stop was certainly divisive. And I always love when the corporate offices have to put out the press release saying that they don’t approve of what that particular franchise owner is doing. But it’s good that corporate stepped in and put a stop to future campaign stops. But they should have done this before it happened. No doubt that particular owner was keeping corporate in the dark. He should lose his license for this.





Oh by the way, conspiracy theory fuckheads and Fox News hosts– yes, Kamala did work at McDonalds despite what your talk show host overlords tell you. Trump shows up for fifteen minutes pretending to serve large orders of fries to people and right wing media swoons all over him, like Taylor Swift fans at her latest show. And by the way, MAGA conspiracy theorists – no, we’re not “in hysterics” over this latest publicity stunt. In fact, that sound you hear is us laughing *AT* you, not with you because of how stupid you look. In fact, after this stunt, a whole bunch of internet pranksters went and review bombed the McDonalds location on Yelp. Which got so flooded with review bombs that Yelp locked the page and is deleting most of the fake reviews. Which, yes they deserved it, but really, people, don’t stoop to their level. In fact, if you’re thinking of doing this… don’t.






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[font size="8"]Trump Canceling Appearances

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We’re just two weeks away from the election. And you’ve really got to wonder with all of this – exactly what the fuck is going on? Donald Trump’s popularity has hit a plateau. He is not gaining any new followers. Yet the polls have him just barely edging out Kamala. But he’s been canceling appearances left and right because his handlers say he’s – and I’m quoting – “exhausted”. His rallies have become absolute shit shows. But you know, this is the cost of keeping your name in the news 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Trump will go and hawk his stupid merchandise – his NFT trading cards, his stupid looking sneakers, his $100,000 watches which look like cheap knock offs that you’d get from a street vendor in Times Square in New York City, his own line of crypto currency… and whatever the fuck this is. The list goes on and on! But when you’re trying to win over voters, you cannot keep canceling appearances, but this is the price you are paying. And there’s definitely something that they’re not telling us about Trump’s health, and Ronny Jackson cannot rig another cognitive test the way that he did the last time (see: Idiots #9-6 ). Sigh, another reason why we can’t have nice things in this country!





Yeah you gotta wonder if something is up. You know the really scary thing? If somehow the GOP gets back into power, we could potentially be a Big Mac away from a JD Vance dictatorship, and who’s to say he won’t leave office even if he’s forced out? Insanity. But if he’s this exhausted, then why is he even being considered for the most powerful office in the United States? There’s something that they are not telling us, and something definitely doesn’t pass the smell test here. In fact, our good friend Halsey has a new album out this week, so why don’t we name this week’s edition after her previous album “If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power”? Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Good use of that cover there. But yeah, something stinks and we need the GOP to show us their poker face!




Yeah nothing to see here! Please disperse! Just come on, GOP! Just admit you want absolute power and one party rule so we can vote against you already. Seriously, what happens if they get reelected and Trump dies in office or they use the 25th amendment to install JD Vance as dictator for life? It’s truly insane to think what could happen, and there’s nothing good that would come of it. Which is why we have to do everything to stop MAGA at all costs! We’ve only got two weeks to flush Trump and his MAGA turds down the Fox News sewer they came from for good! But come on, Joe Rogan is who you’re going to? That’s your flex? Sigh.





Move along people!! There’s nothing wrong with this, except the guy who wants to be president is one Big Mac away from ending his presidency. See? Isn’t this concrete proof that a “garbage in, garbage out” lifestyle is bad for you? And I’m not just talking about the copious amounts of fast food that he eats, either. I’m also talking about his copious amounts of Fox and Newsmax consumption too. That shit rots your mind, while the fast food expands your waistline. Put both of those two things together and it’s a powder keg waiting to go off. But come on, how bad are you hurting for content when you cancel on the brain worm guy and the gun nuts? And Harris is the lazy one? What the actual fuck! That’s his base!






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[font size="8"]Trans Athletes Banned
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Normally, something like this would be reserved for our segment Conspiracy Corner, which takes a look at what happens on the dark corners of the internet, like Infowars and RSBN. But we kind of need to talk about it in a more serious light. You may have seen a lot of headlines pop up lately about an online conspiracy that originated on shows like Infowars and Tucker Carlson about trans athletes participating in sports. Yes, it was a big controversy in 2020. But should trans women or trans men be barred from participating in the sports where the genders are different from the ones that they were assigned at birth? Well, the controversy reared its’ ugly head during the Olympics this year when a wrestling match was cut short and boxer Imane Khelif was investigated profusely for being perceived as transgender by internet conspiracy theorists, and it was proven to be not true in the slightest. But we do need to have a serious discussion – how did this get to be such a hot button issue when it wasn’t not even 10 years ago? And also how is it having so much sway on how people vote for a particular candidate? Well it recently reared its’ ugly head in the news again thanks to former NASCAR driver and current Mar-A-Shithole drink server Danica Patrick.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Come on. This shit is getting ridiculous. And it’s insane that people believe this conspiracy theory bullshit over, you know, facts. And logic. Your odds of encountering an actual trans athlete are like 1/10th of 1%. And the right wing is so hysterical over the trans hatred and conspiracy theories online that they’re unable to separate fact from fiction. But what’s extremely horrible is that if you pay attention to the advertisements this election cycle – nearly every single GOP ad just *HAS* to attack trans athletes in some way. Even though most people who aren’t dialed into the conspiracy theory sphere wouldn’t give a shit about this issue.





Oh what the actual fuck. You know there’s just no arguing with people who believe the conspiracy theory bullshit. My advice is to just boo and heckle and ridicule them out of existence. After all, they worship a guy who got famous as a social media troll. The only way to fight the trolls is to troll back and troll back harder. But it’s truly insane and horrifying that a convicted criminal who has a very real chance of becoming president again is using the online hate to his advantage. In fact, look at New York, where the democrats proposed an anti-abortion bill, so conservatives in New York countered with a bill to ban trans athletes. Just…. AH!!!! Stop it already!!!





Sigh… this is going to be a long two weeks until election day, isn’t it? But of course, it’s no secret that Trump plans to go full Nazi if he’s given a second term. In fact they’ve already got anti-trans laws ready to go if he somehow gets elected again. And this is why elections matter, and why voting against your best interests is NO FUCKING JOKE. Because if you vote against your best interests, you will get people who you won’t like in power and you will not be able to get rid of them no matter how hard you try. It is insanity that someone this monstrous could assume power again. We have to stop this man at all costs, because it can and will get ugly.






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[font size="8"]The Betting Markets
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A few weeks ago, we brought you the tale of how the crypto dude bros are planning to use their fake money to influence the election (see: Idiots #17-2 ). Well, of course Trump is attempting to win over the crypto dude bro vote by launching his own line of cryptocurrency. Come on, really? There’s nothing he won’t put his name or face on at this point, and it’s kind of sad. But this week, another new group that’s looking to use electronic fake money to influence the election not seen before in previous elections has emerged – the betting markets. Yes, betting markets. Combining the worst of Las Vegas with the worst of Wall St. into one disgusting, money-losing package. And yes, if you’re wondering, they are going to use their ill gotten gains to try and sway the election towards Trump. Come on, remember when hackers used to use their powers for good instead of evil? Well if you think that the crypto dude bros are certifiably insane, you haven’t seen anything yet!





OK let me get this straight – you’re using unproven technology and fake money to stack the odds of the election in favor of the guy who wants to destroy democracy. Whatever school you graduated from, you obviously failed the civics part of it. Because I’m going to explain something to the MAGA dude bros out there. Markets don’t vote. Odds don’t vote. Land doesn’t vote. And most importantly, the people vote, and you only get one shot at it. And something else you have to realize – population densities. Yes, well over half the country lives in those blue areas Fox News likes to pretend don’t exist. Also too, let me give you a little lesson in Gambling 101 – NEVER, EVER bet against the house. Because the house always wins, and this is kind of the real world equivalent of doing that.





Well, duh! Thank you Cartman! So how do you explain the betting markets to someone who doesn’t quite understand them? Well, as we’ve already seen, they’re run by some incredibly shady characters who shouldn’t be trusted. Remember when Martin Shkreli rigged the pharmaceutical markets so he could profit off $35 vials of insulin by 10,000%? Guess what – not only is that an example of shady characters doing shady things, that’s also betting against the house. And Shkreli bet against the house and was living large, but he ultimately failed at doing that and got busted. We can’t say the same thing will happen to the betting market bros, but we do believe that is coming, and the SEC and FEC will come for them for election interference should Kamala win.





Yes, my friends, as we have seen, just like a lot of things on the internet, and a lot of bad things on the internet, especially since 2016, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Also, as we’ve seen, if it favors Donald Trump, it’s most likely bullshit. And the betting markets, are guess what – complete and total bullshit. We totally expect a lot of these guys will get nailed by the SEC in the next few months after the election is finally over. You know also, there’s really no way to make elections fun. Yes, they’re tedious, and yes they can be boring at times. But combining electoral polls with the excitement of gambling is a surefire way to lose money. Even Trump knows a thing or two about bankrupting casinos, he bankrupted 4 of them! But this could make for a very interesting SCOTUS case down the road. In the mean time, don’t bet against the house.



https://thegamblingcommunity.com/forum/uploads/monthly_2021_01/668223988_giphy(7).gif.b125bc87475b5c0b7527f6d295339992.gif


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[font size="8"]Cyberstruck

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Oh man, I was just getting into that song! Yes, there are some men who just want to watch the world burn, and one of those men is Tesla CEO Elon Musk. Welcome to our segment detailing the plight of the world’s most ridiculous monstrosity on 4 wheels not seen since the DMC DeLorean – the Tesla Cybertruck! You may have heard that Elon Musk, you know him best as the CEO of Tesla, Space X, X, the Boring Company, Starlink, and about a hundred other joints, desperately wants to expand the Tesla brand into non-consumer markets. Most specifically, law enforcement. Yes, since Elon has attached himself to the most pro police candidate who’s ever policed, despite the fact that he’s a convicted felon still on trial, he’s selling his cars to law enforcement. But actual police officers, on the other hand, aren’t having any of it. And the reviews are in! Tesla’s law-enforcement specific variants of the Model 3 and Model Y have been called everything from “extremely terrible” to “completely unsuable”. Which, since it's Elon Musk, yeah, we’re not shocked at all that this seems totally on brand for him.





Good question! And it doesn’t make even more sense when you realize that his BFF is the one who is making a killing in the EV industry! And not only that, it’s like he intentionally tries to take the wrong answer on literally every issue. Like you could ask Trump “What’s 2 + 2?” and he’d answer “the answer is penguins! Prove me wrong! Prove me wrong!”. But while it may seem great to have a police department be entirely gas free, is the Tesla Model Y really up for duty? The answer, which you may be not at all surprised at – is a big fat no. In fact, most actual police departments are chucking the Model Y in favor of something that can keep up with their demands. After all, how are you going to catch crooks when you spend all of your time charging your car?





Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Great movie. Pretty sure Jake and Elwood wouldn’t get very far in a Cybertruck if the movie were to take place in 2024. And yes, Elon, we get it! You hate California! You really hate us, so stop it please! But of course, while this segment isn’t really about the Tesla brand, it is about their most ridiculously over-hyped and overrated product to date – the Cybertruck. Does the Cybertruck have applications in law enforcement other than being a prop vehicle in a Demolition Man sequel? Well, the answer of course is, it varies depending what your sources are. Because once again, since Elon hates California so much, the city of Irvine, which is right next door to our home offices in Santa Ana, gets to be the test bed for Cybertruck cop cars!





Yes, move along! Nothing to see here! The Irvine PD just wasted $153K of your taxpayer money for a vehicle that will only be used if you win the Showcase Showdown! Actually, it might scare some pre-teens off of drug use. But that’s about it. But anyway, could South Pasadena’s all electric fleet serve as a model for law enforcement agencies nationwide? Well, maybe if they chose a more competent electric vehicle manufacturer, one could make that case. And come on, doesn’t the Hummer EV look so much cooler as a law enforcement vehicle? And unlike the Cybertruck, it actually works and can hold a lot of stuff, and maybe even a prisoner or two. But anyway, Elon’s definitely selling some snake oil and it’s not going to get better any time soon. But hey… at least you got Cyberstruck!






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, in the last six years since we’ve been doing this program, we’ve often wondered what the ultimate end game of those who worship the Unholy Dark One was going to be. It certainly wasn’t the end of Roe V Wade, and we all know how the Dark One’s unholy and obscenely corrupt minions that he installed on the highest of courts decided to overturn Roe V Wade purely out of spite because their god king wasn’t the grand exhalted leader of the world, and we know they aren’t going to stop there. Because of course, they don’t worship GAWD or JAYSUS. They instead worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man who is so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! The idea of a total abortion ban is absolutely disgusting and I’m really surprised that it’s not a total deal breaker for some. But then again, for the most hardcore supporters of the unholy Dark One, there is nothing that’s going too far, there’s no line that they won’t cross. No subject is off limits for them. But could it happen in our lifetime? It’s possible. But then again we thought the malicious overturning of Roe V Wade couldn’t happen in our lifetimes, either. So yes we need to keep voting blue, everybody!





Yes, it may seem like things are grim right now and with the Fox News approved SCOTUS, things aren’t getting better any time soon, and we may be in it for the long haul. But fare not, there is an election in two weeks and we can change the outcome from those who look to destroy this country from within, which is what they have been doing! But then again, when your supporters support the unholy Dark One and everything terrible that he stands for, it seems like all bets are off the table. Again, there’s no telling how far they will go! And of course, like most terrible things happening in this country, every time evil laws are passed, there’s always some Christian group bragging about it behind the scenes! Of course, leave it to the unholy Dark One himself and his minion Joel Webbon to lead the charge!





Well, tell me you know nothing about religion and the Constitution and the Bible, without telling me you know nothing about the Constitution and the Bible. Yeah that’s what it feels like with this crowd! It’s truly insane that the American Christian church has lost its’ way since the rise of Rush Limbaugh and Jimmy Swaggart. Now they’re banking on the Dark One and his disgusting overturning of Roe V Wade, despite that the three justices he appointed deliberately and maliciously lied under oath through their teeth saying they wouldn’t. But when people are making completely outrageous claims like this is what our founding fathers would have wanted, they are clearly talking straight out of their ass, and there’s no reasoning with people like that! And Harris would never say that she hates Catholics. When did this conversation start? Just ugh… it’s getting harder to keep up with their BS, my fair congregation!





But of course, my fair congregation, make no mistake that the primary goal of the anti-abortion movement is to end it entirely. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Also, make no mistake that the anti-abortion movement is really a white supremacist movement but with a different label. They made that pretty clear with Project 2025. And no, Pastor Webbon, the United States Of America doesn’t just belong to you. That’s a terrible statement to make. It belongs to all of us. Yes, even the brainwashed cultists too. And when supposed faith leaders keep selling themselves out for the unholy Dark One, you can bet it’s a sure reason why we can’t have nice things in this country and that there’s a black cloud currently hovering over it.





Well believe me, my fair congregation, we will certainly be keeping an eye on this development as it is happening. It’s the shit show that never ends! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Jack Hibbs
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is Jack Hibbs. You may have heard his name before if you follow the TPUSA verse, or as I like to call them the Toilet Paper Verse. He’s the pastor of Cavalry Church in Chino Hills, of which there’s about a billion Cavalry Churches to choose from. But if your church employs a pastor like this, two things we would suggest. The first is to know what their church’s after hours activities are, and the second is you should probably find a new church. Because this guy has his lips planted firmly on Donald Trump’s ass, and it will probably take a crowbar to pry them off. Which is why we say that any church who tells you who to vote for should immediately lose its’ tax exempt status. This guy is certifiably nuts, and he’s definitely far from the Christian that he claims to be. He’s a Trump worshipper and his MAGA cult credentials are strong. In fact if you ever listen to his podcast for more than a few minutes without wanting to smash your phone into pieces, you’ll definitely pick up a few insane tidbits about the MAGAgelical lifestyle. Like this for instance.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Oh come right the fuck on. We’re the death cult? Have you been following MAGA lately? We’re at the point where if Trump instructed his minions to jump off the Grand Canyon, they’d be pushing and shoving to be the first in line. But in case you’re wondering if the line between church and cult is getting weirder and nuttier, look no further than Jack Hibbs and what he said about the Trump “assassination attempt”. Oh come on, if there ever were a reason why churches should be taxed the ever-loving shit out of, look no further than this. And also, if you don’t doubt the Trump “assassination attempt” was staged, they literally had t-shirts made the next day with that stupid picture on them! I mean come on, it’s truly insane what they are saying and getting away with.





Yeah come on! That is totally, criminally insane. Like straight jacket and padded cell insane. And these are the guys who say that “GOD WILL NOT BE MOCKED!!” while they literally mock god by saying stupid shit like this. And if you think mocking god is a problem, wait until you see our sister program Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons! But hey, we don’t mock god. We mock the “god will not be mocked” people, so that’s mocking inception! Mock-ception? But anyway, Jack Hibbs first gained prominence last year when he admitted that he was the one responsible for flipping the Chino Hills school board to batshit crazy MAGA loons last year. And well, you should never question Christian nationalists, oh no! What will independent thinkers do now?





Uh oh… independent thought! Cults don’t like that! Yeah it’s like how can they say in one breath that “god will not be mocked” and then in the next minute, they think Trump is Jesus and that democratic thought is a “cancer”? Shit that’s going pure Nazi! And Systematic Cancer, by the way, awesome punk band. I saw them at the Troubadour last week. And if you think we haven’t reached the pinnacle of Mr. Hibbs’ insanity, wait until you see what he said about the recent hurricanes that wreaked havoc on the Gulf Coast. Yes, he actually went there, and yes, he is that crazy. But again, they worship a guy who stared at an eclipse and used a sharpie to draw the path of a hurricane. Also that you don’t have rights if you speak up against the Murdoch cult.





That’s Chino Hills MAGA pastor Jack Hibbs. This week’s:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts, after all! This week, we’re going to talk about Texas. The Lone Star State. Yes, the polls are showing Texas trending increasingly purple, when it was once a hard red state. And the GOP doesn’t want to admit that there’s a very real possibility that Texas could flip for Kamala Harris. But the two guys at the helm of the Lone Star State – governor Greg Abbott and Attorney General Ken Paxton – are hatching a scheme to keep their jobs, as well as make sure that their employers - Fox News – and their hard right wing stranglehold on that state remains pure. Abbott and Paxton both have decreasing approval ratings, and like fellow Fox News employee Ted Cruz, are not very well liked. Well, remember when Arizona was at the center of a bizarre auditing plot in the 2020 election (see: Idiots #10-12 ). Well, the 2024 Texas election scam, er, scheme, looks to make the Cyber Ninjas look like Cyber MMA trainees. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Well here’s more.





Uh… kind of racist? You know what we say around here is that if you have to ask, it’s probably racist! I mean… sigh. This is why we can’t have nice things in this country, like functioning elections. And come on, the election is two weeks away and we have to get our shit together! Because everyone knows that if the election is even remotely close, you know damn well that Fox News and the Heritage Foundation are going to make a plan to steal it, and we cannot let that happen under any circumstances, because it’s the end of democracy if that happens! But what the election rah rah poll watching people need to realize – it’s not election integrity. It’s voter suppression. And that industry is currently booming right now as misinformation is running rampant.





So here’s the thing – if you live in a heavily red state where the entire government is run by Fox News employees posing as politicians… yes, right wing politicians no longer work for the government, since they spend all of their free time on Fox News complaining about how hard it is to do their actual jobs… how do you know that your vote is counted if you vote against the Murdoch cabal? Well, that’s a very qood question and we don’t have an answer for that. But we do have to say that it will be extremely fun to watch all of the talking points we’ve been force fed about election security and integrity blow up in their faces on November 5th.





Yeah that’s the fucking irony of this whole thing. If you watch Fox News, and actually believe the bullshit they spew on a daily basis, you’d think the sky is falling. But if you actually read, turn off that poisonous network, and think for yourself, you’ll be like “Where is all of this shit happening?”. Because Fox News can scream bloody murder all they want that their precious man baby didn’t win in 2020, and that they won’t let it happen again. The reality is that your chances of finding an actual case of real voter fraud are like slim to nil. We’re talking like maybe 1 case out of 20,000. You have better odds of winning the Powerball and getting struck by lightning. But please, GOP, keep going there. It’s only going to hurt you in the long run.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone! I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course, you know the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking, we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because, if you haven’t noticed, there’s a lot of really dark shit in the news right now. So we always feel that the best escape from reality is to belly up to the bar and have a few cold ones. Don’t worry, my sober brothers and sisters, we got you covered too! Just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea, or energy drink and come get wired with us! So the subject on the table this week – we have to go across the pond to our friends in the UK. Because a very uniquely British sport that you definitely wouldn’t have heard about called Conker is involved in what could be one of the most ridiculous “cheating” scandals that we’ve ever seen. So tell me, bartender, what goes well with a British cheating story? A very tall glass of British lager? Well, you know I like my beers large and in charge! Let’s go for it! So anyway, this might be one of the single most bizarre cheating stories we’ve ever seen, and it’s something that could only happen to our good friends in the UK. It’s definitely insane.





Yeah so if you didn’t tell me anything about the sport and I heard the phrase “steel nut”, I would immediately assume you’re making some kind of joke about male genitalia. Because, yes, my mind really is that dirty, folks! Well, here’s where it gets weird, because you know it was going to! Not even one day after being cleared of any wrong doing, the guy who won the title, almost immediately had his title taken back. And the story greatly varies depending on what your sources are. But even Mr. Jakins himself, a guy who’s been an active competitor in the “sport” (term used loosely) since 1977 has claimed that he didn’t do anything wrong. And this is totally weird, and it gets even weirder. Yes, we did go down the Conker wormhole.





OK, we got to admit that’s pretty funny. Yes, he definitely was making a statement about his “balls”, but apparently the judges didn’t exactly find it funny. So who’s right and who’s wrong in the chestnut rolling competition? Well, again, like most things – it depends on your sources. And the answers vary greatly depending on who you talk to. But really, this gives new meaning to the phrase “balls of steel” and we really can’t wait for the forthcoming Netflix documentary. Because this is 2024 and you ain’t famous until Netflix has greenlit a documentary based on your story. I mean come on, they gave us Tiger King for crying out loud. And for someone who’s never heard of the sport until last week – yes, we too have no idea what’s going on!





Yeah come on, shots!!! Speaking of shots… what’s absolutely weird about this story is that one day, the media is saying that Mr. Jakins cheated, and then the next day, they’re saying he was cleared of cheating. Then the next day, they say the stories about the cheating accusations are being withdrawn, and rinse and repeat. See, this is why we need to have some drinks when we discuss weird stories like this, because being drunk off our ass is probably the only way we can comprehend anything because the media never tells anything the way we see it. So did Mr. Jakins cheat? Did he not cheat? It will be interesting to see how this unfolds, and like we said at the beginning – we can’t wait for the Netflix documentary on this. Come on, people watched Tiger King!






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[font size="8"] Road To The White House 2024
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Welcome back to our segment that lumps all of the election coverage of the 2024 election to end all elections in: Road To The White House! Look, here’s something that we need to explain to MAGA people, who clearly have zero understanding about how being president of the United States actually works. And yes, you have zero clue because you let talk show hosts do all of your critical thinking for you. But one of the things that being president of the United States entails – you occasionally have to get out of your comfort zone to face people who you don’t like. Kamala Harris did just that during her appearance on Fox News last week. Which, of course, if you watch Fox for more than 2 minutes afterward without wanting to throw your TV out the window, then you are obviously a better person than I am, and of course Fox News painted their host as the winner and Kamala the loser. But the Brett Baier interview highlights what might be MAGA’s biggest problem – they never know when to shut the fuck up, and a lot of people who vote that way are simply incapable of it.





Oh just go fuck right the fuck off, Fox News. Yes, MAGA doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up or stick their nose where it doesn’t belong. But at least Kamala is putting an end to the damn question we’ve been hearing from every Fox News host ever since Biden stepped down. And that is that she doesn’t talk to anybody. Uh excuse me??? Where have you been? Oh yeah, like most of MAGA world, Fox News has their lips firmly placed on Trump’s ass, and we all know how much Trump just loves getting his ass kissed, and that’s a pretty disgusting picture! But Fox will never, ever cross over to our side no matter how much it’s the right thing to do or not. And again, Brett Baier, please, for the love of god, shut the fuck up. And also Trump, shut the fuck up.





Why yes, that clip is strangely relevant to this conversation! But why are so many people telling us to stay out of enemy territory? Come on, it doesn’t stop Angels fans from showing up to Dodgers Stadium with full Angels gear on. But what I’m loving about this particular interview is that the more they go on Fox News, the more Fox News hates it. And at least Harris is getting out of her comfort zone, and we can’t say the same for Donny, and for the looks of it, Donny seems to be retracting into his bubble and comfort zone more and more the more he cancels his appearances in favor of only going on programs that make him look good to his base.





He’s had enough? Come on, have you seen him lately? I cant even. But then again, the cultists are going to cult. At least Saturday Night Live is having a field day with this election and we don’t see them slowing down until it happens. We just hope that this year doesn’t have the same outcome that 2016 and we are very actively praying that it doesn’t! The good news though, is that the ratings are in – and Kamala scored higher Fox News ratings than Donny has in the last few months. An even further sign that his world is imploding around him. It’s just too bad that Donny’s handlers and his favorite news networks can’t see it.







[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Imagine Dragons[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest –my next guest has a great new album out called "Loom"! You can see them at the Hollywood Bowl this weekend for 5 shows, and ending with a special performance with the LA Film Orchestra this Sunday! Playing their song "Eyes Closed", give it up for Imagine Dragons!



Thank you Villanova! This was fun! We had a great time in central PA! We’re off to Ann Arbor next week for our Halloween Spooktacular with live music from Imagine Dragons and our last minute election coverage! This is it! Get out the MF vote!!! Do it now!

See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Death Cab For Cutie Appears Courtesy Of: Atlantic Recording Corporation
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Villanova Theater, Villanova, PA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

October 20, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents: Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Season 3 Episode 1: Entertainment In Religion

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents: Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Season 3 Episode 1: Entertainment In Religion

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! I hope y’all are doing well and I hope that you have a copy of our Good Book opened because we are going to explore followers of the good LAWRD JAYSUS and how far their beliefs can take them this week. This is episode 1 of season 3! How about that! We’ve officially made it to 3 seasons everybody! And we’re not holding back, either! Especially since we are almost literally at the 11th hour which could decide the fate of the United States – totalitarian fascism or a free and just democracy? I know which way we’re voting! So anyway we’re going to take a break from talking about that and discuss how religion is infiltrating the Hollywood box office! In the first slot (1), there’s a whole slew of religious themed entertainment for you to choose from, including the return of our favorite nonsensical religious series “God’s Not Dead”! In the second slot this week, we are going to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the god fearing movie that broke the Hollywood box office – The Passion Of The Christ (2). And guess what? With every successful franchise, there’s a sequel! Oh yes, my fair congregation, even JAYSUS can be franchised! Finally, as always, we’re going to close out by answering your prayers from the Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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You know, lately, we’ve been accused of talking about one subject way too much. And yes, we feel like we don’t talk about it enough. That subject is of course the religious right steering hard towards far right authoritarianism and America’s march to becoming a religious fascist theocracy. So you know what? We’re going to take a break this week and talk about a fun topic. Since the movie industry took a massive hit when the COVID virus showed up, leave it to America’s far right and religious to worm their way into the box office. But of course these are not people who worship GAWD or JAYSUS, they worship the unholy Dark One! I of course speak of a man who is so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! But if you’re a godly MAGA voter who has some time to kill and you want to go see a movie at the box office, why there’s plenty to choose from! Let’s of course start with the return of our favorite far right franchise, God’s Not Dead!





Yeah, remember the Q Anon conspiracy flick Sound Of Freedom (if you don’t, check out our take from Idiots #15-4 )? It seems like religious films always find a way to sneak into the box office, like this. And some of them may make some money, but most usually don’t. Yes, Sound of Freedom was an anomaly just because the producers found a loophole to make money and exploited it! But let’s take a look at another, less successful Christian movie – “The Forge”. But if MAGA Christians are ready to celebrate “The Forge” dethroning “Blink Twice” at the box office, we’re here to remind you that’s not really a flex.





Yeah so that’s basically every teenager that grew up in the video game era. But did anyone see any of those other movies? Anyone at all? I didn’t. Maybe big movies like that aren’t your thing and you prefer to watch movies of the documentary variety. Well, the one that has been lighting up with the MAGA religious right is the inexplicable hit by the Daily Wire’s Matt Walsh called “AM I RACIST?”, to which we always say – if you have to ask, it’s probably racist. But if Matt Walsh is trying to make the “AM I RACIST?” movie into the alt right’s version of Borat, well, he definitely fails because the alt right isn’t exactly good at comedy.





Oh come on, is it really “scathing” if he says the same thing we’ve heard from the unholy Dark One supporters a thousand times? No! It just shows they have no original thoughts of their own. But no matter what your poison is at the box office, there is one thing you have to consider. And that is… he’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!! Yes, for the first time in 20 years, our LAWRD and savior JAYSUS returns to the box office! That’s right, my fair congregation! Next year, JAYSUS returns in The Passion Of The Christ 2: Electric Boogaloo! No, the working title is “RESURRECTION”.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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You know, last week I pointed out that the movie theater industry is a dying industry, which is why it’s not shocking that movies pandering to hyper conservative Christian are very slowly making their way into the box office. But one movie coming next year hopes to resurrect box offices. Ah, see what I did there? And that wasn’t AI, by the way. That was a thought of my own concoction! Anyway, yes, my friends, there is one movie that is hoping to save the box office this next year. And that is… JAYSUS! Yes, JAYSUS himself is coming to save the box office. Meanwhile, the movie that started the Christian movie revolution is celebrating its’ 20th anniversary this year. Can you believe that it’s been 20 whole years since the Passion Of The Christ was released? Yeah it’s truly insane how time flies, doesn’t it? Well it’s no secret that Christians love them some blood and guts, which is maybe why they worship the unholy Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so profane and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! So yes, we do come on 20 years of the Passion, folks!





Yes, so twenty years o f The Passion! Which is pretty crazy when you think about it. I mean when that movie first debuted, it was at the height of the political divide in this country with the Bush administration – and yes, that is a president whose name we can speak in these sacred halls! And of course, the violence in the film proved that today’s modern Christians love them some blood, guts, gore and the fire and brimstone level of Christianity! Yes, my friends, some good old fashioned repentance is always on the table! But is the movie really a miracle as some are calling it? I guess if that’s what your definition of “miracle” is.





But it’s not rock and roll, it’s JAYSUS! And how do you celebrate 20 years of your movie about your lord and savior? With a sequel, of course! Because what good is a multi-billion dollar grossing movie in Hollywood without a sequel? Because you can literally sequalize anything in the movie industry if you put your mind to it! Yes, could this be the start of the Passion-Verse? Jesus! Jesus 2: The Resurrection, Jesus 3: The Awakening! Then there’s an Armageddon movie, a Revelations movie… come on, Hollywood, let’s get on it! And it would certainly be a better franchise than those Left Behind books, am I right?





Yes, but sequels are one thing – time, my friends, is another. You know, for years, Passion held the record for the highest grossing R rated movie of all time. But this year, it was dethroned! By whom, you might ask? Our good friend, Deadpool! Yes, my friends, Deadpool & Wolverine is now the highest grossing movie of all time! Does this mean that Deadpool is bigger than Jesus? Well I’m definitely not going to answer that question with a 100 foot pole. But it is interesting to see that many R rated movies have come and gone over the last 20 years, but none can hold a candle to GAWD! Except of course for Deadpool, that is!






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[font size="8"]The Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven
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My fair congregation! We come now to the end of our fine spinoff program. But before we go, we always have to check in on how GAWD himself is doing with our patented (patent pending) Hotline To Heaven! This is just a free form segment where we answer your burning questions about what exactly the religious right are up to, using expertly sourced clips, about any issue you might have. Any issue at all, really! And yes, we all know that supporters of the unholy Dark One are just as clinically insane as he is! So let’s go to the phones, shall we? Which of course, you can always reach out to us via our social media channel – holychurchoftop10@mstdn.party

Ursula W. from Knoxville, TN writes:

“Heavenly Father,

Who is this Joel Webbon guy and why is he so insane?”

Well, sister Ursula – Joel Webbon is a Christian nationalist extremist pastor from Texas and he’s clinically insane. In fact, we did one of our previous sermons on how extreme his rhetoric is (see: Idiots #17-4 ). And we definitely plan on expanding that for a forthcoming episode But in the meantime, really, don’t vote for anyone who this guy supports! Because he’s certifiably fucking insane and should be locked in a mental hospital before he becomes a danger to himself or others. And yes, he’s a racist. We also hope to the highest of gods that he never gets what he wants, and that Satan has a special circle in hell waiting for him and people like him!











Kevin M. from Atlanta, GA writes:

“Heavenly Father,

I’m in a swing state and I’m getting absolutely bombarded with ads and telemarketing calls, but so many people I know insist on voting for the Unholy Dark One. Why is that?”

Well, brother Kevin – the propaganda is particularly strong in the Peach State. And we honestly don’t have an answer for that. But while we cannot persuade people to vote a particular way, we can certainly give you plenty of reasons why you shouldn’t! And in fact, the Christian right is currently on an ungodly power trip. Mainly fueled by these people – who as the LAWRD JAYSUS suggests, are people who you probably shouldn’t give the time of day to. With friends like these, who needs enemies?











Javier G. from San Diego, CA writes:

“Heavenly Father,

My MAGA friends keep talking about boycotting the entertainment industry. What will they do for fun, then?”

Well, brother Javier, funny you should ask! Because I was sent this clip last week. And after watching it, all I have to say is, they have a lot to learn and this clip of a religious “sitcom” is every bit as cringy and horrible as you would expect!



Alyssa J. from Phoenix, Arizona writes:

“Heavenly Father,

I’m a University Of Arizona student, and last week, Charlie Kirk and his goons had a TPUSA event on my campus. I’m totally disgusted that people I knew went. What do I do?”

Well, sister Alyssa – yes, we totally share your disgust that people went to an event that’s for the Unholy Dark One! But what’s really insane is that if you call TPUSA a cult, they use the classic Pee Wee Herman “I Know You Are, But What Am I?” defense. And you know what? That doesn’t work in real life!





Our last prayer this week:

Evan Q. from Henedrson, Nevada writes:

“Heavenly Father,

Does the right wing even know what witchcraft is? They keep accusing us of that, but I think they don’t know what it is.”

Well, brother Kevin, you are absolutely correct in that assumption!






Thank you my fair congregation! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! We will return on November 3rd with our second edition exploring Oklahoma’s batshit insane war on education!

Credits

Host: Pastor Initech
Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Recorded Live At: Constellation Room At Observatory OC, Santa Ana, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

October 17, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-10: Wheel Of Corruption & The Purple Crayon Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #17-10: Wheel Of Corruption & The Purple Crayon Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! What’s up Northwestern? Chicago! The Windy City! It is good to be back! What’s the percentage of the audience make up here? I’m guessing – rocket scientists, lawyers, and Cubs fans? Yes, we love the Cubs here! So you might be wondering what’s going to happen in the next few weeks? Well right now, we’ve got just 2 editions remaining until the United States general election. And as we have stated on social media – we’re going dark that week. Because there will be a lot of shit being flung, and you don’t need to see our BS while you’re digging through all the madness. Then we will 2 in November, including our post-election special, followed by 3 in December and that’s it. Yes, we’re going on a very extended hiatus after that. Why? Because as we’ve said before – we’re just burnt out from all of this. And we’re sick of Trump being in our faces 24 hours a day. It’s totally infuriating. But we will be back after that, we don’t know what’s going to happen. Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! Look, we are just three weeks and two Top 10s away from the general election! And we have to get our shit together! Seriously, how is anyone still undecided at this point? How??? HOW??? You either vote for our current vice president to lead us out of this madness, or you can vote for the worst person in the world and never vote again. And also expect to lose a lot of your rights in the process. Look, we cannot endure another term of this shit. This country is already at breaking point. Yes, I know I usually have something funny planned, but when I see things like this idiot on CNBC going “Yeah we need more information to decide who to vote for!”. Come fucking on!!! We live in the information age, damn it! You have the entire wealth of human information on that screen that fits in your pocket that you can’t stop staring at! So get your shit together! And then there were these idiots. Just… ahh!! Oh man I really can’t wait until we get to I Need A Drink, because if there ever was an excuse for one, it’s now! OK I needed to get that off of my chest. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first, our good friend Lewis Black explains to the undecided voters what to do:



Hey everyone, the famous Wheel Of Corruption is back! YAY!!!!! So where do we begin this week? It is all Hurricane Helene, all the time, and if you’re on the Gulf Coast, we’re here for you and here to sort out all the madness! Well in the first slot is of course that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Donald J. Trump (1). And while we couldn’t question his ties to Russia, there’s an absolutely bombshell new revelation that just dropped, and you won’t believe it, but it seems totally on brand for him! In the second slot this week is Elon Musk (2). Yes, the guy who will be Trump’s cost-cutting czar has hatched a bizarre scheme to pay people for signing his “free speech” petition, but how legal is it? We’re going to say it ranges from “probably to “extremely” depending on your sources. In the number 3 slot this week, folks, we have to have a serious discussion about what misinformation and disinformation (3) is doing to this country. It’s insane that it appears we didn’t learn much since 2016 and it may take years before we actually do. In the number 4 slot this week is the Worst House In US History (4) and it seems like the MAGA Q Fox chuckle fucks in Congress aren’t serious people, given the fact that they’re destroying the one agency that wants to help the Gulf Coast – FEMA, and they can go fuck themselves! In the number 5 slot this week is a new We’re All Gonna Die (5) and after the roof of Tropicana Field, the home of the Tampa Bay Rays, was blown off like a sardine can being opened, how safe are you when the next disaster hits? Well expect things to be worse next time! And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in Holy Shit (6) – WTF is up with Oklahoma? We’re not surprised that Oklahoma’s batshit crazy superintendent Ryan Walters is totally off his rocker forcing the state to kowtow to his ridiculous and completely illegal and grossly unconstitutional Bible demands, but apparently only one Bible meets his requirements, and you’ll never guess which one it is! SMDH. We also add Ryan Walters (Q – Batshit) (7) to the ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected! In the number 8 slot this week, is of course our weekly venture into the never-ending void of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week, a growing faction of Q nuts are making the claim that Hurricane Helene is a DOD engineered bioweapon (fuck you Alex Jones!), but is it any more than any previous hurricanes? Probably not. In the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week is a new I Need A Drink (9) and this week, we have to talk about some crazy ways to maintain your skin hydration while you’re on that long flight thanks to some insane Tik Tok videos! Yeah, probably don’t listen to these people. Finally this week in Road To The White House (10), we have to talk about third party candidates. Yes, they won’t go anywhere. But if you don’t think they are looking to do some damage to the vote totals, well, you’re wrong. And fuck you, Jill Stein! Plus to cap things off, we have the legendary Pink Floyd frontman David Gilmour joining us! Buy his new album “Luck & Strange” or you are no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always, don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Hey everyone! It’s time for the: WHEEL. OF. CORRUPTION!!! YAY!!!!



Of course you know the rules by now – I spin the wheel and we have to talk about whatever the subject it lands on. Of course if it lands on the guacamole option, you know that it costs $1.50 extra. And the wheel is all new with lots of items on it! I want to preface that we are no longer featuring the A Random Tweet option. Yes, we are actively boycotting content from Elon’s X / Twitter platform. That’s going to be replaced with clips from one of my favorite shows, Curb Your Enthusiasm. So if you see the Larry David option, you know what’s coming! Here’s what is on the wheel this week:

- Guns
- Crime
- Abortion
- Poverty
- Congress
- The Insurrection
- Elon Musk
- Buy A Vowel
- Donald Trump
- Midterm Elections
- Clip Without Context
- 5,000
- Nazi Germany
- Fox News
- ‘Merica
- My Pillow
- Bankrupt
- Chance
- Fox News
- Health
- Something Random In The News
- Whammy
- Community Chest
- Death
- Homosexuality
- The US Constitution
- We’re All Gonna Die
- Greed
- Clip Without Context
- Top 10 Investigates
- Beating A Dead Horse
- This Fucking Guy
- Intermission
- Holy Shit
- Larry David
- MAGA Cult Cringe
- Double Whammy
- Buy A Vowel
- Conspiracy Corner
- Random Movie Reference
- Guacamole
- 10,000
- People Are Dumb
- I Need A Drink
- Infowars
- Go Directly To Jail
- Random TV Reference
- T-Shirt Cannon
- Infowars
- People Who Somehow Got Elected
- COVID-19
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

Let’s get this party started! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! Oh hey it’s one of our patented Clips Without Context!



Come on, dude… who the hell are you fooling with that jacket? Do you need a bigger private jet? Stuff like this is totally insane and the reason why America’s fastest growing religion is no religion. Spin it again! And it lands on… Donald Trump! Ugh.

It has been an absolutely banner week of idiocy for that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, but as we have learned over the last 8 years, this man has absolutely no bottom. There’s no low he won’t stoop to and no line he won’t cross. For this story, we have to go back 4 years. Anyone remember how bad things were at the height of 2020? Oh yeah, I’m pretty sure that everyone remembers where they were that year. People were dying by the thousands every day. Mostly Trump supporters who refused to abide by lockdown restrictions. We were locked in our homes and couldn’t go anywhere or do anything. But the latest bombshell from Bob Woodward may prove to be the missing link between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin that we may have all been fearing all along. To which we say – come on, where the fuck was this information when we, you know, could have used it? Yes, thank you Northwestern! Anyway, while the rest of the world finally may have had their first shot of beating COVID and a glimpse of hope of things returning to normal, Trump did something so shockingly evil that it’s impossible to comprehend that it was kept hidden from us for nearly 4 years now!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! You know, since the 2016 election, we were told 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, by an increasingly hostile and vindictive GOP that we shouldn’t question the GOP’s ties to Russia. Well guess what? The GOP isn’t just up to their neck in this, they’re up to the deepest point in the ocean, because – wait for it – the entire party from top to bottom is in on the corruption! That’s why no one is losing their jobs. It’s all the world’s largest circle jerk, and those of us who aren’t dialed into the cult aren’t part of it! So could this be the proverbial “October surprise” that sinks Trump once and for all? Well, probably not.





Yeah come on! Remember in the early days of this program when we said that if you’re under investigation for ties to Russia, maybe don’t talk about Russia? Yeah it’d be like telling the guy trying to lose 100 pounds “Go ahead, eat this order of chili cheese fries with mac and cheese on top”! Go ahead, eat the whole thing! You know you want to! But these new allegations are egregious! And of course, again, where were you when we could have used them? Now that Trump isn’t president anymore, this information probably won’t help much. It might sway a few of the non-believers, but it won’t change the mind of any of his cultist followers anytime soon. But of course – both sides have now gone into full “nothing to see here, please disperse” mode.





What the fuck??? Woodward is the truly demented one? Because he doesn’t kiss the Murdoch and Putin ring enough? And when Trump refused to take questions and play DJ? Don’t worry, we’re saving that for a different entry. But Trump cannot resist saying something that’s extremely hateful at any opportunity. All he does is lie and name call and backstab and point fingers at the wrong people. But really this is all on him. And everything that Trump has done since he left office, is entirely on him. And his cultist minions. But this wasn’t the first time Trump and Putin acted like BFFs. And it’s also a clear indication of which side he’s on should he worm his way back to the White House. It’s truly disturbing, but come on, it’s Trump. What did you expect? The man has no bottom.





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[font size="8"]Elon Musk
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Let’s give the wheel a spin, shall we? Wheel goes round, wheel goes round, wheel goes round, where it stops, nobody knows! And it lands on… oh the Larry David option! We haven’t seen this in a while!



Ha ha ha ha! Been there, done that! Spin it again! And it lands on… Elon Musk! Double ugh!

Since he outed himself as being a Donald Trump superfan, and also seen here looking like the head cheerleader at a Broncos game, it’s no secret that the Tesla / Space X / X / Boring Company / Starlink CEO Elon Musk has been using his social media presence to actively interfere in the United States election, and it’s starting to show. But last week, Mr. Musk found himself in a bit of hot water with the Federal Election Commission over what may be an extremely controversial plot to pay signees of his constitution approving petition. But come on, people, it’s Elon Musk. Do you really think he’s being honest here? We are going to say the answers range from “probably not” to “extremely” depending on what your sources are. But you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. You could be signing vital organs away to the X Organ Donors fund. Ha ha ha ha!! You don’t know! You don’t know! So, Elon is offering signees of his petition $47 with the possibility of more payouts of $47 if you refer friends to sign up! Come on, it’s the fucking Constitution Of The United States! It’s not like you’re signing up for a subscription to Disney Plus. But that may be included. Who knows?





Oh for crying out loud, man! Easy money. Says the guy who has more wealth than the entire continent of Africa and maybe India combined. WTF. But for those willing to sign his pro gun and pro free speech petition, you gotta ask yourself – is that $47 worth it? We’re going to say most likely probably not. In fact, it’s more of an insult. And why is he specifically targeting swing states? Yes, those 7 that get bombarded with ads every election cycle that could potentially decide the election – Arizona, Georgia, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Ohio, and North Carolina – are the targets, and what exactly Musk wants to prove here, we don’t know.





But here’s the thing that Musk fans need to know in 2024 – there ain’t no such thing as free, anymore, do you get that? Sure, go ahead, sign that petition and collect your $47. But just be aware that it was all a scam to get your personal data so Elon can bombard you with pro-Trump political ads until well after the election is over. Now ask yourself – was that $47 worth it? Elon now has your information for life, and you have absolutely no idea what the terms and conditions of that petition are, because you probably didn’t read it. Yeah, we know how this sort of thing works! But also, we know that, because Elon is a Trump superfan, we know that he has far more sinister things in store. If Trump is Goldfinger, Elon is his Oddjob. And also let me show you the flipside to Elon, Cards Against Humanity. And no, it doesn’t work both ways, either!





Oh come on! Yeah, it looks bad on everyone n o matter who tries something like this. And neither one will win in the end. But you know what? You got your $47 and you’re proving that you support free speech and the 2nd amendment. And Elon’s got your personal data for life – who knows what you agreed to sign up for? Here’s the thing, though – no one’s free speech rights are under attack, unless you’re a conservative trying to ban high school reading material. That’s an entirely different topic altogether. But of course, Elon is desperate for a Trump win, and well, right now, the desperation is definitely starting to reek. But when Trump has “friends” like RFK Jr and Elon Musk at the helm, who needs enemies?






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[font size="8"]Misinformation and Disinformation

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Now entering the spin cycle! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! And it lands on…
Chance! Sweet… a get out of jail free card! I’ll just put that away for later!



Spin it again! And it lands on… MAGA Cult Cringe!

OK, people look, we need to have a serious talk. We’re 20 days away from the 2024 general election, and we have to address the 800 pound gorilla in the room that’s actively killing this country. And much of it can be traced back to the 100+ men and women in the Fox News MAGA Qongress – the absolute worst House in American history – are the primary sources of it. We saw this last week when Hurricanes Helene and Milton were pummeling the Gulf Coast and the MAGA chucke fucks infecting Congress actively voted against federal funding for the one agency that was trying to help them. The number one thing that’s actively killing this country right now is misinformation. And its’ equally horrible cousin, disinformation. And we’re not going to sugar coat it either. Misinformation is everywhere. Like we saw with COVID, misinformation is deadly. It killed a million people, mostly right wing Facebook and Fox News addicts, during COVID in 2020 – 2022. And guess what? Unless we actively take time to address the problem, things are going to get infinitely worse! Not only that, people can get very easily duped into believing this stuff, and that’s how lies get repeated. Lather, rinse, repeat, you have a serious mess on your hands.





Yeah isn’t that fucking insane? Wherever misinformation goes, the death threats follow. Thank god we still have some sanity left in this country. But let’s think about this for a minute – only in the United States could a once in a lifetime natural disaster happen, and the people who are in charge are actively rooting against the one organization that’s trying to get people to help. But we cannot deny that the number one thing destroying this country right now is misinformation. In fact even the sane people who we have left in the government, like Roy Cooper, are starting to give the peddlers of misinformation the heave ho and realizing that it’s dangerous.





Yeah seriously, that’s what it feels like arguing with people who are lost for good in the internet misinformation sphere. But, switching gears, we also cannot deny that it’s an election year. And we called back 4 years ago, that there were going to be multiple attempts to gaslight this election coming from foreign entities. In fact, the one state that could potentially decide who the 2024 election goes to has been actively swatting misinformation targets like flies to a bug zapper. I’m of course talking about the Keystone State – Pennsylvania. Yes, it must suck being an election worker in that state because you’re being constantly bombarded with the wrong answer to everything.





Yeah seriously, people. Stop it now! Everybody, can we just take a deep breath, chill the fuck out, and pull our collective heads out of our asses, please? We’ve got to get our shit together! I don’t know how many times I have to say this but I will shout it from the rooftops if I have to! THERE IS A MAD MAN IN MOSCOW WHO IS TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! And if he succeeds in meddling in the American election and that mad man gets his way? It’s game over! He becomes supreme overlord of earth and you will not like the end result! So yeah let’s stop fighting and then we can concentrate on ending that mad man’s reign of terror once and for all. Then we can get back to fighting.






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[font size="8"]GOP Vs FEMA
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Let’s spin it to win it! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! Oh hey it’s one of our patented Clips Without Context!



Well, it seems Nick has learned a valuable lesson – when you’re going up against a dangerous and scary cult, and you’re a card carrying member of it… maybe don’t. It won’t end well for you! Spin it again! And it lands on…. Fox News!

The Fox News installed MAGA Qongreess, which I’ve been calling the absolute worst House in United States history, is at it again. Because they’re fueled by news network hysteria and internet conspiracies coming from the #3 worst person in the United States, Alex Jones, these are the kind of things that we have to deal with. And also the reason why I keep saying this is why we can’t have nice things in the United States. Case in point – hurricane relief. We’ve seen not one but two truly massive, once in a century hurricane. So what do those who have had their brains fried by internet conspiracies and are in Congress do? They vote to defund and eliminate the one agency that’s trying to help. Because MAGA are a bunch of sick psychopaths who won’t listen to anything except what their talk show masters tell them to. But because the American people have been lied to for so long by psychotic talk shows and equally psychotic preachers and Fox News, for nearly 60 years now, this is the kind of shit that we have to put up with. And yes, like most things, expect the MAGA chuckle fuck war on FEMA to get worse before it gets better.





Yeah this is the fucking insane thing is that these two hurricanes – Helene and Milton – are a once in a lifetime disaster. And seriously, an absolute shame and pox on the Fox News MAGA Qongress who are trying to play politics with this disaster. Of course, if you watch that shithole network, they’ll literally blame anyone and anything but their own faults for this. Because the GOP is out for absolute power and one party rule, because fuck you, that’s why! And seriously, why is the GOP tying this shit to spending on migrants? Where is this coming from? And how can we have more migrants than twice the population of Fresno coming over the… ah fuck it, who can decipher their madness anymore?





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Seriously, how can any sane person look at people like Anna Lunatic and Marjorie Three Names and go “Yeah that’s who I want representing my district!”. Yes, that’s why we cannot have nice things in this country. Remember when we used to have nice things in this country? Like before Rush Limbaugh and Jimmy Swaggart showed up on the scene and proceeded to begin the systematic destruction of America’s institutions? That’s the America that I personally would love to have back! But the madness definitely ain’t stopping anytime soon, folks. But what the few sane republicans, if any, need to realize, is that their days are numbered. The inmates have taken over the asylum and they’re not letting go.





Seriously, as long as Fox News exists and it controls the minds of half the people in Congress, America is literally that guy. We’re also the “THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?” guy from Animal House. It truly is insane to see what the MAGA cult has brought this country to. We have had back to back hurricanes! Each one worse than the one before it! And they’re on that stupid news network complaining about how hard it is to do their jobs and how nobody respects them. Oh womp fucking womp! When you vote to deny FEMA funding to help clean up after a crazy disaster and deny that the next one is going to be worse, we don’t have to take anything you say with even the slightest bit of seriousness, OK?





Holy shit. Tell me you didn’t read the warnings that predicted this would happen without telling me you didn’t read the warnings that predicted this would happen. God, could the GOP possibly get any dumber than they are right now? Oh yes, it is totally possible. And don’t forget that the republican front runner and his mini-me minion, JD Vance totally support the internet conspiracy theory bullshit on FEMA and other government organizations. The only question remains with nearly 20 days to go until the election – is Florida going to vote to keep the current government it has or flush out the idiots who are actively voting against their best interests? We shall see! We shall see.







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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
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Come on let’s give the wheel a spin! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! NO!!! A whammy!!!!



Spin it again. And hey guess what? We’re all gonna die!



Hey everyone, guess what? We’re all gonna die! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO. WOOOOO. WOOO. WOO. So what’s going to kill us all this week, you might ask? Well, hurricanes! Now, we usually don’t cover region-specific disasters on this segment, but we are making an exception for Hurricane Milton. And right now, we’ve got dueling hurricanes – Milton and Helene, and each one is more fierce than the one that preceded it. And it’s definitely not like going to your local dueling piano bar. Especially when they play My Dingaling. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Because have you seen this shit at all? It’s seriously scary. And if we want to survive the next hurricane, we’d better get to some serious engineering fast! Because if you saw the Tropicana Field in Tampa Bay, which is the home of the MLB’s Tampa Bay Rays, you know exactly what I’m talking about! Yes, the winds were so fierce that they literally tore the roof off of Tropicana Field the same way you’d open a sardine can.





OK, folks, we got to admit that we didn’t have “roof flying off stadium” as part of our 2024 hurricane bingo card! Ha ha ha ha ha!!! So two questions. 1 – what the fuck? And two – if that’s your temporary base camp, how fucked is your city when it comes time for a disaster as huge as Hurricane Milton blowing half your city into the next time zone? Well, depending on what experts you ask, the answers range from “probably” to “extremely”. Leaning more towards extremely. And also maybe a third question – uh… what the fuck? Now the question being asked by the media is – can the Tampa Bays rebuild their roof before the 2025 MLB season starts? And the answer? Probably not.