(Satire) So I got an exclusive interview with Donald Trump... Here's what he had to say:
So someone called JP Grance one of my lackeys. And I actually agree with that, I agree. I have the best lackeys, lackeys who are so great that big strong men, 7'9", 380 pounds come up to me and say, "Sir, we never thought that a lackey could ever be so lackadaisical!" These gigantic men, they never saw someone so lackadaisical! And then one of the lackeys, he says, "Sir, please don't call us lackadaisical. It's an insult, not a complement."
Well, that was too much for me. I hire the best people, everyone knows that I only hire the best, but this guy, I hired him, and he was terrible. The worst guy you ever seen. So I said to him, "These big tough guys said it, so you got to go." And he went... Can you believe it? He actually walked away from working for the smartest guy the world has ever seen. It was sad, really sad, but he walked away. I just don't get it. How are you going to walk away when the smartest man in history hired you?
I blame Obama for that, I really do. But then Nikki Haley came to me and said, "Sir, you can't just keep firing people like that." And then I said to her, I said to Pelosi, "Joe Biden made me do it." And he did, Joe Biden made me do it. And all of the sudden, all of the sudden, I'm not running against Joe Biden, I'm running against Hillary Clinton, who decided to be black. Can you believe it, decided one day to be black. All of the sudden, Susan Collins is black. And I said to myself, "Well, she never used to be black. Since when is Elizabeth Warren black?" All of the sudden, Pocahontas is black now.
If I get another election stolen from me, even if I lose by a whisker, it was a sham. You know, they use, the Jews use, and I love Israel, Israel wouldn't exist except for me, they use these space lasers to change the votes from Trump to Clinton. Everybody knows it, the guy on the TV said so. He said so! So did that lady with the three names, Margerine Taint Grumpson! Now I love the Israel, everyone knows I'm the best for that, but these Jews in America, they don't love Israel. Nobody in the world had ever seen someone love the Israel as much as I do. Well, since I won the debate, I'm not going to do another one with that nasty woman, we won by numbers nobody has ever seen before, 1,111-2,
One of my advisors, he said, "Sir, you won by infinity." Can you believe that? I never even heard of infinity before, but I got it right away. It looks like an 8 laid on its side. Infinity... That's truly a tremendous, tremendous thing. One of them, they said, "Look Sir, the number you won by..." it was some number I never heard of, it looked like two sticks with a little swirly thing on top, and then he said that the number goes on forever. We never had a person win by a number that goes on forever. I'm winning by a number that goes on forever, and Joe Biden doesn't have that. I just think that Obama is scared to debate me after the last one. He can't win by a number that goes on forever, or a sideways eight. He just can't. OK, now me and JR Ewing are going to go eat. Did you know that in Springfield they're actually eating the pets. The pets! We aren't going to go eat the pets though, no, we wouldn't do that. I'm going to eat hamberders, and I think that JT is going to have a nice basket of fries. He likes to dip them in something called "barbecue sauce". I never heard of it, but It's a fantastic thing. Maybe the best thing.
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