Melania Trump Announces First 1,000 People To Preorder New Memoir Will See Her Face In Their Dreams Until Death

[milestogo]

PALM BEACH, FL—Hoping to boost sales of her new book, Melania Trump announced Tuesday that the first 1,000 people to preorder her memoir Melania would see her face in their dreams until they die. “I am so excited to be sharing my story, and I want to show my gratitude by offering a few lucky buyers the exclusive chance to be haunted by my ghastly visage night after night for as long as they live,” the former first lady said in a rare public appearance ahead of the volume’s Oct. 8 release, teasing the promotion as an opportunity for one-on-one face time between herself and her fans.

“Whether my stony, unblinking face will appear in the mirror as you close your medicine cabinet, emerge from the shadows of your closet as you try to fall asleep, or hover directly above you as you lie in bed—inches away from your face like a nightmare from which you can never wake—I know no better way to show my appreciation than to haunt you until you breathe your last breath. But you have to act fast!” Trump went on to add that the first 1,000 preorders would also receive a free American flag bookmark.

https://theonion.com/melania-trump-announces-first-1000-people-to-preorder-new-memoir-will-see-her-face-in-their-dreams-until-death/

[dalton99a]

1. Like America hasn't suffered enough

[samplegirl]

2. That's a nightmare!

[keithbvadu2]

3. Like waking up, staring into the cat's ass.

[ShazzieB]

4. Kudos to the Onion for another fine piece of satire!

[John1956PA]

5. SHEESH! Now that Laura Loomer thing is starting to make sense. n/t

[allegorical oracle]

6. This is what happens if you live too long with TSF. nt

[LetMyPeopleVote]

7. I love good satire

[SamKnause]

8. Fucking sour puss.

She always looks like she has a stick up her ass.

[Rebl2]

9. Well now

that’s a frightening thought! Yep I know it’s the onion.

[Blue Owl]

10. LOL

[PufPuf23]

11. Melania is the dweller of the abyss. nt

[sarge43]

12. If cobra venom had a face ...