Breaking: Jimmy Carter kicked out of hospice for immortality!
PLAINS, GA (Spurious News Network) — Hospice is an end-of-life medical treatment system designed to ease a terminally-ill patient’s passing. It is compassionate and highly popular with patients and families who choose it. While most hospice patients die within weeks of entering the hospice system, almost all hospices limit their services to people who will die within six months.
President Jimmy Carter, who just turned 100, entered hospice care a year and a half ago. Today, Phoebe Hospice of Plains discharged him.
“The final straw came yesterday when we caught him building a five-mile road,” said Mary Smith, hospice director. “I was driving to work yesterday and saw him driving a bulldozer. You know that great smile President Carter has? Well, the man was sitting in the cab of that dozer with the biggest smile you’ve ever seen on his face. While it’s wonderful that he was so happy, we’re just not set up to deal with someone who refuses to die. The last time we visited him, he insisted on us having dinner with him. He’d made a complete Thanksgiving dinner by himself. We’ll keep on visiting him, mostly because he’s such a good cook, but we can’t rightly continue hospice care for someone who’s going to outlive all our employees.”
President Carter was unfazed by this news. “Roads don’t build themselves, someone has to do it. Why not me? I feel fine. Would you care to stay for dinner? I put a 200-pound hog in the smoker yesterday and I can’t eat it all myself. Bring your friends. There’s plenty to go around.”
Vice-President Kamala Harris, the current Democratic presidential hopeful, today announced she plans to put him on her Cabinet after she’s inaugurated in January. “He’ll be Secretary of State. His track record in diplomacy is unmatched, and he’s probably the nicest person I’ve ever met. I think he’ll be great.”
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