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Happy Hoosier

(8,509 posts)
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 09:44 AM Nov 12

So.... my daughter got some terrible news, and it has her angry and terrified.

She learned last Friday that a close college friend, with whom she was very close with when they attended the same school, died suddently and unexpectedly late election night. Her friend was non-binary and strong LGBTQ activist. Their fiance was working that night and she came home to find them drowned in a bathtub.... and it appears they drank a lot and perhaps took some pills while in the bathtub. It is not clear if their death was deliberate, or not. But my daughter is convinced that they were despondant about the election and and if they didn't deliberately kill themselves, did so accidentally while trying to kill the pain.

She went to their funeral last night and she careens between being devasted and burning with a white hot anger.

I'm not sure what to tell her. What a terrible thing for her to go through.

EDIT: Thank you all for your kind words. I showed this to my daughter, and she started to cry, in a good way, in appreciation for your compassion. Thank you.

55 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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So.... my daughter got some terrible news, and it has her angry and terrified. (Original Post) Happy Hoosier Nov 12 OP
I don't even know what to say... Hugin Nov 12 #1
I think the suicide rate will rise in the US now. Irish_Dem Nov 12 #2
Sadly, I'll be expecting both suicide and homicide to rise drastically. Harker Nov 12 #5
Yes there has already been an increase in violent acting out. Irish_Dem Nov 12 #28
The promise of the internet, that it would bring the collected wisdom of all human history to all, and bring us together Harker Nov 12 #31
Greatest moral collapse and lack of civic duty in US history. Irish_Dem Nov 12 #35
+33. n/t Harker Nov 12 #38
And, the rethugs will rejoice about it. OldBaldy1701E Nov 12 #6
I am not scoffing. You are correct. The higher suicide rate will please Trump and the MAGAs. Irish_Dem Nov 12 #13
No scoffing here, either. Harker Nov 12 #20
Yup. OldBaldy1701E Nov 12 #41
Yes, it's all about ratios. Harker Nov 12 #42
The rethugs and uncontrolled capitalism destroyed 'community'. OldBaldy1701E Nov 12 #43
Orchestrated, exactly. Harker Nov 12 #45
'Scoff if you want to' was wrong to say here. No one here is scoffing. OldBaldy1701E Nov 12 #40
It won't be just non-Trump supporters committing suicide. generalbetrayus Nov 12 #27
And people will die due to lack of medical insurance. Irish_Dem Nov 12 #29
I think so bdamomma Nov 12 #49
Yes I agree. Irish_Dem Nov 12 #50
It's always hard to go to that first funeral especially as a young person and especially when the person who died jimfields33 Nov 12 #3
This brings back so many painful memories of AIDS and how those sick and dying people were treated. Jit423 Nov 12 #51
Yes, and just like back then, the preachers are telling their congregants.... 70sEraVet Nov 13 #55
Sadly, the first among many tragedies to come. NNadir Nov 12 #4
A lot of people will die because of Fuckface. Initech Nov 12 #22
I'm rapidly drawing the conclusion he's nothing but an Eloon... NNadir Nov 12 #23
Oh this is going to be the definition of a puppet regime, no question. Initech Nov 12 #24
I'm sure we'll be seeing a nasty blend of the two. n/t Harker Nov 12 #32
It's devastating to lose a good friend like this ... and a little terrifying too FakeNoose Nov 12 #7
My wife and I have encouraged her to pursue some counselling Happy Hoosier Nov 12 #11
I'm sorry! The number of suicide deaths is up since last Tuesday PortTack Nov 12 #8
So sad. calimary Nov 12 #44
This is terrible news. Hope22 Nov 12 #9
Horrific. I am so sorry for your daughter and her friend. We can't give up. LoisB Nov 12 #10
Be with her. Listen to her. Wild blueberry Nov 12 #12
One thing that is tough is that she's not at home.... Happy Hoosier Nov 12 #14
Could you cook up a bunch of her favorite food and bring it this weekend? Wild blueberry Nov 12 #18
That's a great idea... and I actually did that this past weekend. Happy Hoosier Nov 12 #19
I am so so sorry and angry about this event irisblue Nov 12 #15
I'm so sorry. Solly Mack Nov 12 #16
Horribly sad. Nt spooky3 Nov 12 #17
My condolences to your daughter and her friend MustLoveBeagles Nov 12 #21
Oh what a shame...I am SO sorry this happened... The_REAL_Ecumenist Nov 12 #25
I am so sorry for their loss. So unnecessary and tragic. One of many communities to be under attack. Evolve Dammit Nov 12 #26
I am sorry to hear that. I am ashamed that anyone supports that monster. They killed them. Doodley Nov 12 #30
... Faux pas Nov 12 #33
I am really really sorry. A lot of hopeless people--both targeted and less so may take this way out**. Be good to one hlthe2b Nov 12 #34
I'm sorry for the pain FemDemERA Nov 12 #36
Support for the non-binary people Nov 12 #37
Heartbreaking lindalou65 Nov 12 #39
So sad for the loss of your daughter's friends That should never have happened. Clouds Passing Nov 12 #46
I just can't imagine. I'm so sorry for your daughter, you, and her friends. slightlv Nov 12 #47
My heart goes out to them and all of the others who are suffering. Remember, tRUMP has been president before, we SWBTATTReg Nov 12 #48
I'm so sorry your daughter lost her friend and fiance like that. Ligyron Nov 12 #52
Wow that's so traumatic to deal with Saoirse9 Nov 12 #53
I'm so sorry she lost her dear friend, and under such Ilsa Nov 12 #54

Hugin

(34,724 posts)
1. I don't even know what to say...
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 09:47 AM
Nov 12

When I hear stories such as this. Except that I am so sorry.

Irish_Dem

(58,939 posts)
2. I think the suicide rate will rise in the US now.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 09:49 AM
Nov 12

A number of groups have targets on their backs and it will be dismal.

Harker

(15,135 posts)
5. Sadly, I'll be expecting both suicide and homicide to rise drastically.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 10:19 AM
Nov 12

Blind hatred unbridled at the root of both.

Irish_Dem

(58,939 posts)
28. Yes there has already been an increase in violent acting out.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 12:11 PM
Nov 12

Even with young boys at school who are taunting and threatening girls with rape.

Harker

(15,135 posts)
31. The promise of the internet, that it would bring the collected wisdom of all human history to all, and bring us together
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 12:24 PM
Nov 12

regardless of remoteness has instead become an insidious tool of misinformation, disinformation, and distraction... and about half the people think they're self-taught geniuses because they've done "their own research."

Cultural decay has kicked into overdrive.



OldBaldy1701E

(6,494 posts)
6. And, the rethugs will rejoice about it.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 10:20 AM
Nov 12

We are not human in their eyes. We deserve to be dragged through the streets and hung up for public sport as far as they are concerned.

Scoff if you want to. We were not that far away from such antics even up until last year... now the darkness is no longer just on the horizon.

Gaia help us.

Irish_Dem

(58,939 posts)
13. I am not scoffing. You are correct. The higher suicide rate will please Trump and the MAGAs.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 10:59 AM
Nov 12

They will delight in it.

Harker

(15,135 posts)
20. No scoffing here, either.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 11:27 AM
Nov 12

Isolated incidents at first, then momentum building.

Their propensity to assemble "militias" and to engage in mob behavior is about to go off the hook.

OldBaldy1701E

(6,494 posts)
41. Yup.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 01:06 PM
Nov 12

I have never been more contented that I am now living in a very blue state that (I sincerely hope) will be resistant to their hijinks.

I am now afraid to visit my home state, even though they were a conundrum this time around. They voted for Trump, but installed another Democratic governor and broke the supermajority in the Assembly after a long time of rethug rule.

Weird, right?

But it is still a state filled with rednecks (great people as well, but I am talking about ratios), so I cannot risk my hubby on a visit to see the Banks again, or visit my mother, or brothers, or other relatives, or the many friends I have there still.

I miss the ocean...

Harker

(15,135 posts)
42. Yes, it's all about ratios.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 01:46 PM
Nov 12

It saddens me greatly to hear that you two are fearful, and that it cuts you off from friends, family, and ocean, but I understand.

I am glad for our little blue dot in a red area of a blue state, but I hear the neighbors blasting away with their assault weapons, and I have to wonder.

Luckily, the most militant of them can't help themselves from raising identifying flags.

Damn them for their incivility.

OldBaldy1701E

(6,494 posts)
43. The rethugs and uncontrolled capitalism destroyed 'community'.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 03:32 PM
Nov 12

Between the culture wars, and industries that are constantly convincing us that everything is out to get us and we are all doomed, it is no wonder that the entire concept of community went from a positive thing to a negative nightmare. I am not saying that communities necessarily did this in real time, but the concept was destroyed so that no one wanted to practice it anymore. We went from a time where I would do something wrong and I would get in trouble for it by other parents and the news of it would usually beat me home so that my own parents were standing there waiting to continue the berating to having a child dent the neighbors car with a ball and both sides end up in the emergency room with gunshot wounds. Assuming they did not kill each other.

You are right. Civility is also gone. We are all medieval merchants, always having to watch our backs while we try not to get screwed while we try to screw the other. It is untenable. We won't make it as things are without some serious societal changes, some of them rather fundamental. But, we won't do it because reasons.

This was all orchestrated by those in power so that they can remain in power. We have to stop this if we are to be a democratic republic. That means getting our hands dirty. Will we?

Harker

(15,135 posts)
45. Orchestrated, exactly.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 04:10 PM
Nov 12

Phoney, ginned up fear and anger of the sort that resulted in the tragic death at the heart of the OP.

I'm retired. And tired. I'm thinking of ways I can best contribute to defeating the fascists. Maybe I'll take up my wife's challenge and officially join the Democratic Party... do some volunteer work. Not exactly getting my hands dirty, but with my supposed "golden years" suddenly turning to lead, it feels like I'm not doing enough.



OldBaldy1701E

(6,494 posts)
40. 'Scoff if you want to' was wrong to say here. No one here is scoffing.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 12:59 PM
Nov 12

I apologize. I was on a roll.

generalbetrayus

(662 posts)
27. It won't be just non-Trump supporters committing suicide.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 12:08 PM
Nov 12

Wait until Obamacare is repealed and nothing substantial (or at all) is passed to replace it.

bdamomma

(66,637 posts)
49. I think so
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 06:54 PM
Nov 12

too. Mental Health issues are going to rise. And I see the death rate go up.

jimfields33

(19,220 posts)
3. It's always hard to go to that first funeral especially as a young person and especially when the person who died
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 09:49 AM
Nov 12

Is so young. It’s sucks a lot. It happens in every persons life eventually when they have to experience a family member, friend, etc. just tell her you love her and understand the pain of loss..

Jit423

(392 posts)
51. This brings back so many painful memories of AIDS and how those sick and dying people were treated.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 07:04 PM
Nov 12

I lost so many friends and family members who were sheltered in their closets until they though it was ok to come out and seek help but the help came way too late for them thanks to Ronnie.

I fear that with all the hate and inhumanity around us the LBGTQ community will really be in danger from these deranged deplorables.

70sEraVet

(4,198 posts)
55. Yes, and just like back then, the preachers are telling their congregants....
Wed Nov 13, 2024, 08:42 AM
Nov 13

that god is punishing them for their wickedness.

Initech

(102,318 posts)
24. Oh this is going to be the definition of a puppet regime, no question.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 11:56 AM
Nov 12

We already know Elon and RFK Jr are pulling his strings, and Rupert Murdoch is the puppet master. I don't think we're as much Nazi Germany as we are the beginning of Stalinist Russia. Things are going to get ugly fast.

FakeNoose

(35,914 posts)
7. It's devastating to lose a good friend like this ... and a little terrifying too
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 10:22 AM
Nov 12

Perhaps your daughter might benefit from some counselling sessions.

Happy Hoosier

(8,509 posts)
11. My wife and I have encouraged her to pursue some counselling
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 10:54 AM
Nov 12

Her University offers free grief counselling, so we are poiting her that direction if she doesn;t want to pursue an outside therapist.

Hope22

(3,043 posts)
9. This is terrible news.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 10:37 AM
Nov 12

When it hits our children we can’t help but suffer with them. That makes searching for the right words even harder. My heart goes out to all of you. All you can do is tell her you love her and that you are here for her. Anytime. Take care of yourself and remember to breathe. Prayers for all who suffer here.

Wild blueberry

(7,235 posts)
12. Be with her. Listen to her.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 10:56 AM
Nov 12

Parental love is comforting and grounding. When she gets her feet back on earth, can sleep and eat well, she'll know what to do with her fury. We all need each other. She will be able to help others, and thus herself as well.
Hugs to both of you.

Happy Hoosier

(8,509 posts)
14. One thing that is tough is that she's not at home....
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 11:02 AM
Nov 12

... one GOOD thing is that she lives in town, at a house she shares with some roommates near campus, so she is within reach. But it's hard to know she is in pain and fear, and I can't keep an eye on her.

Wild blueberry

(7,235 posts)
18. Could you cook up a bunch of her favorite food and bring it this weekend?
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 11:16 AM
Nov 12

Enough for a feast for the roommates, too. Or something else practical and down-to-earth? Colorful?
(I would be comforted by food.)

Happy Hoosier

(8,509 posts)
19. That's a great idea... and I actually did that this past weekend.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 11:20 AM
Nov 12

She loves my homemade spaghetti sauce, so, I cooked up a batch and brought it to her yesterday.

I like the way you think!

MustLoveBeagles

(12,681 posts)
21. My condolences to your daughter and her friend
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 11:38 AM
Nov 12

Unfortunately this is going to become more frequent.

Evolve Dammit

(18,975 posts)
26. I am so sorry for their loss. So unnecessary and tragic. One of many communities to be under attack.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 12:05 PM
Nov 12

hlthe2b

(106,585 posts)
34. I am really really sorry. A lot of hopeless people--both targeted and less so may take this way out**. Be good to one
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 12:29 PM
Nov 12

another. That is all we can do. Those marginalized and targeted groups need us the most, but everyone.

** My subject line comment references my own sad tale from Colorado. I woke up this morning to a story of two people and two dogs shot to death in their home in Evergreen, CO (a community just west of Denver in the mountain foothills). I am hearing it was double suicide or (technically) "murder"-suicide from friends of the daughter who saw her father's prone body through the window and called the police. Apparently, she'd not been able to reach them either since the election. One of her best friends is a close acquaintance of mine and is just beside herself trying to help the daughter.


Take care of one another. I know I will be trying to control my reactions to what is said or written to me (I know, admittedly the latter is a struggle for me quite often). We are ALL struggling-- some more than others who we can't always see.

FemDemERA

(412 posts)
36. I'm sorry for the pain
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 12:33 PM
Nov 12

That your daughter is experiencing. Those words seem so inadequate for the immenseness of the situation, but they are heartfelt. I hope she does make use of the university counseling. I’m glad she has a supportive family.

people

(706 posts)
37. Support for the non-binary
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 12:34 PM
Nov 12

It is my understanding that many non-binary persons in this country already felt fear of being despised. The election no doubt increased her friend's fear and despondency. What we can do is care for one another and not be part of the fear of the "the other." Your delivering your daughter's favorite food to her and her household was such a good thing to do. Counseling for her is a great idea now. So sorry about this pain for you and her and all of us.

lindalou65

(298 posts)
39. Heartbreaking
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 12:48 PM
Nov 12

My heart just breaks reading this news. We are really in for dark days ahead. We must support one another as much as possible.

slightlv

(4,404 posts)
47. I just can't imagine. I'm so sorry for your daughter, you, and her friends.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 05:54 PM
Nov 12

I have a gender fluid grandson who's been careening since the election, too. We do nightly hate fests on trump and pep talks for each other. I don't know what else to do to support him, except be there and listen. I'm careening in my own right on my own issues. So, at least we feel we're there for each other.

I know it's impossible, but I'm still wishing for a magic "something" to make this nightmare go away, and give us back a country we can believe in once again.

SWBTATTReg

(24,270 posts)
48. My heart goes out to them and all of the others who are suffering. Remember, tRUMP has been president before, we
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 06:46 PM
Nov 12

have survived him before. Pls., pls. reconsider not doing anything rash, and talk to some of your friends or family who love you or call a councilor. You are valuable. We want you as part of our community.

Ligyron

(7,904 posts)
52. I'm so sorry your daughter lost her friend and fiance like that.
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 08:03 PM
Nov 12

We are going to beat this RW takeover and sure could have used their help.

Saoirse9

(3,820 posts)
53. Wow that's so traumatic to deal with
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 08:40 PM
Nov 12

The first death we know of caused by trump. Won't be the last.

A dear friend committed suicide *because of the hurricane* some weeks ago. And he was only our friend but we're devastated, trying to support his partner who is completely shocked and destroyed.

I would encourage your daughter to talk to a good therapist to process her grief. And just to be there for the Fiance who lost her partner. It is a shattering experience.

FWIW my prayers are with your daughter and her friend who lost their fiancee.

Ilsa

(62,269 posts)
54. I'm so sorry she lost her dear friend, and under such
Tue Nov 12, 2024, 10:31 PM
Nov 12

questionable circumstances. I can understand why they would be despondent.

I'll say a prayer and wish for your daughter and her friend and their family.

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