A.R. Moxon: Rules Of Engagement

[Nevilledog]

https://www.the-reframe.com/rules-of-engagement/

So let's say I say something and it hurts your feelings or makes you feel belittled and excluded. Now, let's say you tell me about it. Now let's pretend I say something like "oh my God, I'm so sorry, tell me more." And then let's pretend that you tell me more, and I listen, and apologize, and the next time we interact, when I have a chance to say the thing that hurt your feelings and belittled you and made you feel excluded, I don't. I say something else. And then let's say that later, I check in to see if that interaction was more amenable, and if there are any further adjustments I need to make.

You'd probably decide that, based on this exchange, that I care about your feelings and your inclusion, and, by extension, I care about you.

Or let's say we're on the subway in rush hour and it's a little crowded on the car, and I step on your toes. Say you tell me about it in this sort of fashion: "Ow!" or "Youch!" or "Gadfreys! My toes!" Now let's pretend that I respond by getting my foot off of your toes, and apologizing, and asking how bad the hurt was. And if the hurt is bad, maybe I even help you get to some medical care. And the next week when we see each other on the subway, you notice that I watch where I step.

You'd probably decide that, based on this interaction, that I care about your bodily autonomy and well-being, and, by extension, you.

Now let's say that I have a different reaction. Let's say that when you tell me that what I said made you feel hurt and belittled and excluded, I told you that no actually it didn't hurt you, because I hadn't meant to do that to you, and also other people tell me that they're fine with me saying to them what I said to you, and also that everyone is far too sensitive these days and being told that things I say are harmful is actually very harmful to me, and also the act of you telling me that I've hurt you is a divisive condemnation of me as a person, and being told that I'm a bad person makes me want to hurt your feelings even worse, and if I can hurt your feelings badly enough that you cry it will bring me a lot of joy.

Or let's say that when we are on the subway and you say "Gadfreys, my toes!" I look you dead in the eye and tell you that I'm sure your toes are just fine, and then I stomp on your toes, as hard as I can, and smile, and when you look down you notice that I am wearing boots that seem designed specifically for stomping. And then I kick your shins. And wherever you put your foot, I stomp, and whenever you ask me to stop, I tell you I have no idea what you mean. I tell you that I can't hurt toes because I never intended to hurt toes, and in fact I don't even see toes, and it's people who are always making everything about toes who are responsible for toes getting stomped, and moreover I have no idea what boots even are, or how they could possibly hurt toes, and even more importantly, you are planning to step on my toes, which is why I am justified in stepping on yours.

*snip*