Breaking: Elon Musk files largest lawsuit in history!

[jmowreader]

AMARILLO, TX (Spurious News Network) -- This morning, Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla, SpaceX, The Boring Company and whatever they're calling Twitter this week sued in federal court every American citizen who has not yet bought a car from Tesla. The suit seeks to require everyone who hasn't yet bought a Tesla to buy one within thirty days. Musk filed his suit "in forma pauperis," relieving him of the burden of paying $128.8 million in filing fees.

"Restraint of trade is a serious tort under both the laws of the United States and of every state in America," said Musk. "Tesla makes the greatest cars ever built by the hand of man. Refusing to buy a Tesla is actionable interference in our business and completely un-American. By forcing these unpatriotic assholes to buy cars from me, we will correct that scandalous behavior and make America great again."

The judge in the case is Matthew Kaczmaryk. He sees this as the most important case he's ever heard. "It's not right that Americans can refuse to buy cars from such a loyal and patriotic American. Even though Mr. Musk wasn't born here, he's become a citizen and he's just as American as apple pie, hot dogs and getting President Trump's name tattooed on your forehead. People should be lining up around the block to buy one of his excellent cars, and after I'm done with them they will be." Judge Kaczmaryk doesn't have a Tesla, but says he's going to buy one today: "It'll look a little bad if I have to find myself guilty, but that wouldn't be the worst decision I ever handed down."

Legal experts rate this case as being worse than frivolous. Constitutional law scholar Laurence Tribe, Professor Emeritus at Harvard University, was aghast. "Is he out of his fucking mind? You can't force people to buy something they don't want or can't afford." Judge Tanya Chutkan, a federal jurist based in Washington, DC, was more reserved in her criticism: "I'm not sure how Mr. Musk can expect 368 million people to buy one of his cars in a month when he can't make that many, but I'm sure he has his reasons."

We interviewed several people who have refused to buy Teslas as to their reasons for not doing so and learned that their thoughts are far more varied than Tesla's product line, in which you can buy any car you want as long as it has four seats and is white.

John Slattery, mayor of Dickshooter, Idaho - yes, it's a real place - names the difficulty of charging a Tesla as the reason he hasn't bought one. "In the year 1937, Rural Electrification told the mayor of Dickshooter we were too rural to electrify. We still don't have it, or phone service. There are only three buildings in town and one's a barn. No one's ever moved to Dickshooter because no one can find it. We use gasoline lanterns for light and heat with wood. It's 80 miles one way to the nearest grocery store. There's no way I could buy an electric car." Slattery had no idea how Dickshooter got its name. Mr. Slattery drives a Ford F-250 diesel pickup. "It gets me everywhere I want to go."

Philomena Johnson, a dental technician in Cle Elum, Wash., quotes the high price of Tesla cars as her reason for not buying one. "The cheapest car Tesla sells is about one and a half times my yearly income. Even if I gave up eating I couldn't buy a Tesla." She drives an old Toyota Corolla. "It's ugly, but it's paid for and it never breaks down."

Frank Utterman, a business owner in Saratoga Springs, N.Y., mentioned the limited seating space in a Tesla as his reason for not having one. "My family is Quiverfull. We've got eleven children and one on the way. I'd need to buy four of them to go to church on Sundays." When asked what kind of car he drives, Utterman smiled: "You know those little buses they use to take you from your hotel to the airport? We have one of those."

Susan Piasecki, a software developer in Armonk, N.Y., mentioned availability as a problem. "Judge Kaczmaryk says people should line up around the block to get a Tesla? I did. For five years I was on the waiting list for one. I had to buy something else to get to work." Ms. Piasecki drives a Toyota Prius. "It's not quite as electric as I really wanted, but the local Toyota dealer had a dozen in stock. It took an hour to buy it, if you count the time it took them to wash it before they gave me the keys."

Smithson Alexander, a furniture builder in Neosho, Mo., questioned how the list was created. "We received three letters from Mr. Musk informing us we'd been sued for not buying Teslas. One of them was addressed to my son Jeremy. He's one. He can barely walk, and that idiot wants him to drive a car?" Mr. Alexander drives a minivan, which he describes as "what you do when you're a dad."