Sheesh, I'm having some horrible flashbacks about childhood bullying.

[LuckyCharms]

I had largely forgotten about all of this, until last night when I had a few nightmares. I think I repressed it until now. I didn't repress it completely, I've thought about it briefly over the years, but today I'm actually feeling the terror for whatever reason.

This happened AFTER my father died when I was 11 years old.

I was good friends with this guy when I was a kid. For some reason, this small gang of local young future criminals had an unwarranted beef with my friend. The guy I was friends with was a gentle guy, and the wayward gang members were the worst of the worst (street fighting, knife carrying punks).

I was in a grocery store with my friend one day. The gang had followed us in there, and they started beating the holy shit out of my friend. There was blood everywhere. I tried to help him, swinging my fists like I was possessed. They didn't hit me back, they just pulled me off and held my arms behind my back while I watched my friend get beat up badly.

The leader of this gang then said to me: "We're not touching you because we know your father will kill us". My dad was well known in town for not taking any shit, and these guys were unaware that my father had recently died. They went to a different school, and they had no idea.

We walked back to my friends house after his beating, and his older sister was there with her boyfriend. His sister's boyfriend is now dead, and he was a scary dude who had subsequently spent time in prison for murdering an acquaintance of his with a shotgun. This all happened before the murder took place, but even then, I was afraid of the boyfriend. He was just one of those guys that you knew was dangerous. I had a healthy, cautious respect for this guy. I liked him, he had his good moments, but he scared the hell out of me.

The boyfriend asked us what happened, and we told him. The boyfriend put both my friend and me up against the wall in anger.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?? DON'T LET ANYONE HURT YOU LIKE THAT!! BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM, YOU HEAR ME??? NEXT TIME, BREAK THEIR FUCKING FACES! IF I HEAR THAT THEY HAVE DONE THIS TO YOU AND YOU LET THEM GET THE BEST OF YOU, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME, GOT IT"?

We both started arguing with the boyfriend...But...but, they're tough! They have knives and they know how to fight"!

His response? FUCK 'EM!! THEY ARE NO TOUGHER THAN YOU ARE! YOU'RE GOING TO DEAL WITH ME IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN!!

Well, my friend never ran into these kids again, but I did, and they had found out my dad had died and they started fucking with me. Out of sheer terror of having to deal with my friends sister's boyfriend, I fought them and beat 2 of them up, and ran home.

I think that I'm recalling all of this because fairly recently, I ran across some old newspaper articles about the sister's boyfriend online about the murder he committed. It was real bone chilling stuff. Really bad. The FBI was involved, and so were members of local organized crime.

I'm actually a little shook today recalling all of this that happened when I was 11 or 12 years old.

Anyway, those kids never bothered me again, thank God. I'm sure they ended up in prison themselves.

My dad was gone, it was just me and my mom, and I never told her about this.

So much bad shit happened to me when I was an early teen, I wonder why I'm still here. The garbage that used to happen back then was unreal, and I didn't even grow up in a particularly rough neighborhood. It wasn't just me of course. This kind of shit happened to a lot of kids, and it seems like I witnessed some shit that you don't really hear about these days, unless you live in a violent inner city. Our neighborhoods were riddled with young punks from broken homes, who seemed to have something to prove.

Someday, if I haven't written about this already, I'll tell the story about how a 19 year old kid stuffed me into a car trunk. My dad was alive when that happened, and he took care of the issue.

It cracks me up when I hear Trump go on about killers and rapists from other countries "poisoning the blood of our country". We've had plenty of young white thugs in this country ever since I can remember. These kids weren't dirt poor either, they were lower middle class kids from sketchy homes.

I am coming to the realization that I grew up in fear having to protect myself often, physically. Guns were not as prevalent as they are today, but I've had a loaded shotgun pointed at me through a car window, and then fired into the air. I've been 20 yard away, ducking behind a car, from two guys having a gunfight.

I haven't had to face these issues in a long time, and I'm trying to figure out what impact all of this had on the person I've become in my later years.

That's today's story.

The End.

[niyad]

1. I don't have any helpful words, dear friend. All I can offer is hugggggggggs

for you, and that frightened child.

[LuckyCharms]

2. Thank you, niyad. But maybe in some ways...

all of that shit helped me somehow.

I feel strange even talking about it, because so much worse happens to others in life.

My feeling as I sit here though is "Holy shit, that was pretty bad".

I think I just dealt with it by "just moving on", but today, it's haunting me.

[niyad]

3. We can certainly think of any number of ways in which it influenced

Last edited Sat Aug 24, 2024, 04:21 PM - Edit history (1)

and impacted you. It sounds to me like you are in a good space today to look at those terrible memories, acknowledge them, and send them on their way. You do not need them any more.

[erronis]

4. I'm so glad you survived and are telling your stories.

I've always read whatever you posted - they seem from the heart.

Childhood traumas follow us to the grave. I guess some can forget them through therapies but I don't think most can get sufficient or they don't work.

Bullying in the young males - adolescent usually but also can extend into middle-life - is so common and so damaging.

The middle-school fears of even going to school since someone might beat you up or grab your lunch. I've stayed in the school library during lunch to not go out on the playground.

The older years when bosses can shit on any parade you may have created, just to affirm their alpha status.

Of course, as we age even further we become the "old folks" who are always in the way.

i don't remember signing up for this when I was just a glint in my father's eye and my mother's love.

[LoisB]

5. Hugs to you LuckyCharms. I would think those experiences made you a kind, gentle soul.

[XanaDUer2]

6. Glad you survived

In a lot of ways, America is a violent place. Hope you're feeling a bit better, unless remembering is retraumatizing you. Best

[Kali]

7. we've been violent since we climbed down from the trees.

probably when we were still in them too.
we have another old trait - cooperation. hopefully it will eventually overcome the other one.

[alwaysinasnit]

8. Thank you for sharing.

[Elessar Zappa]

9. Things were bad in decades past.

I grew up in the 80s and 90s in the same small town I live in now and there were several groups of youth gangs who would terrorize the town, graffitiing everything, shooting guns into people’s houses, etc. Now, there’s none of that anymore and the kids just in general seem nicer and more polite. The good old’ days weren’t so great.

[JoseBalow]

10. Your sister's boyfriend was right, he did you a favor

Never, ever let someone make you their punk. Taking a beating is always better than getting punked. It sounds like your dad knew that too. It's hard to measure how those lessons affect your development into adulthood, but I am certain you're better off having learned them.

I'm sorry you lost your dad at such a young age.

[HeartsCanHope]

11. Hugs to you.

I'm sorry for the trauma you experienced then and what you are dealing with now. Could you talk with a mental health professional to help you sort out your feelings? They could at least guide you in figuring out what is causing the nightmares and day terrors. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts, take care.

[quaint]

12. Peace to your heart.

[Harker]

13. That wonderment at still being here...

at our age becomes increasingly profound for me.

It's all borrowed time. Stolen time... Time bestowed as a gift, maybe, or a curse.

You're remarkable, Lucky.

[True Dough]

14. Lucky,

do your neighbors know who they're dealing with? You could rattle them if you chose to.

But you're a good dude.

Hope your dreams tonight are about puppies and chocolate cake.

[BlueKota]

15. I am so sorry you had to go through all this.

Talking to a clinical therapist might help. You are a person of incredible internal strength to have not only endured but survived.

[Lulu KC]

16. This has so many layers

One thing after another. Good job of telling a tough story. The long-term effects of childhood trauma are finally getting the attention they deserve.The best news is neuroplasticity, so all is not lost. Healing can happen, and your ability to articulate this shows that your mind is trying to do that. I wish you the best.

[Niagara]

17. As I'm reading this, Lucky

I'm reminded that there's most likely an abundance of us here that have been a target of bullying at some time or another.



Let me be clear, I'm not dismissing what happened to you... what you described in detail is absolutely frightening. It takes strength to talk about it and to address it. I don't believe that people just "get over it", ever. I have my own stories about being on the receiving end.



I didn't know you back then. Whatever the impact this had on you, I'm glad that you are you. You're the person who treats everyone like you've known them for years, and so easy to talk to. For whatever it's worth, that's my opinion. Also, I've seen you put your foot down here and there when necessary due to unnecessary comments.


I'm way over tired so I certainly hope that I'm making sense. I'm off to sleep.