When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up...

[Enter stage left]

Reading.

Courtesy of the great Henny Youngman.

[thucythucy]

1. Years back I joined Alcoholics Anonymous.

I still drink, but I do it under a different name.

[OAITW r.2.0]

2. I don't drinks no more....

but I don't drinks no less.

Thanks Dave Bromberg.

[Abolishinist]

3. He was one of the best!

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”

“A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”

Many more here...
https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/82949.Henny_Youngman

[Wounded Bear]

4. I used to only drink on weekends...

weekdays and holidays.