Serious post regarding Suicide. Don't click on if you may be triggered...

[Upthevibe]

I posted this earlier and then deleted it. A very kind fellow DU'er saw it and was going to repsond to my post. She ended up sending me a private email and I thank her so much....

One of my very best friend's nephew has died by suicide. He was 26 y.o. He shot himself. He'd been on life support since Sunday. The family was coordinating with an organ donation company because he was an organ doner. They took him off the machines last night and he passed at 6:30 a.m. this morning.

Everyone thought he was doing really well in his life. He had just bought a house in upstate New York. He was was a special kind of mechanic/engineer. He was a really, really awesome young man whom she spoke of often. There hadn't been any signs of depression (from what we know). She's the fun Aunt who didn't have kids and had five nieces and nephews. They adore her and she them. They even travel together.

They have a big family with half of them on the East Coast (where he lived) and the other half here on the West Coast.

I'm just sick about this. In 2021 my very best friend's 17 y.o. son died by suicide. I never thought in a million years I'd end up being so knowledgeable about this "world." I've been on many walks, pot lucks, gatherings, support groups, etc. for survivors of suicide. The help we've received has been immeasurable...

I've been thinking about the suicides that I've known about in my life. My dad's best friend (when I was around 10 - I remember my beautiful father explaining it to me. He didn't get into how. I'm just thankful that my parents didn't lie to us about it). And a friend's father (when we were around 12). Another friends father (while we were adults). A friends brother. My best friends son. Now another friend's nephew. That's six...... I think I'm still stunned....

[yardwork]

1. I'm so sorry.

[Upthevibe]

8. yardwork......

Thank you....

[yardwork]

12. I know those words are inadequate.

I've lost several friends to suicide and am no nearer to understanding. My heart goes out to all of his loved ones. Be good to yourself.

[ms liberty]

2. I'm so sorry

[Upthevibe]

7. ms liberty...........

Thank you....

[Joinfortmill]

3. The teen years can be difficult, believe me, I know.

For me, it was cruel, casual, throw-away comment made to me by my step-dad, a reference to my becoming pregnant at 17 (I did not get pregnant until I was married at 20). My mother got pregnant with me at 17. Why that comment was the one that broke me, I'll never know, but it did. I survived my attempt to be the feisty old gal I am today. Words Matter.

I'm very sorry that this young man didn't make it.

[Upthevibe]

5. Joinfortmill.........

Thank you so much for sharing what happened with you.....I'm glad you're here...

[Joinfortmill]

9. Thank you.

[madaboutharry]

4. It is hard to know what to say.

It is sad when a young person no longer believes in their future. The future is forever changed for those left behind.

I hope that those who loved him will find peace. May his memory forever be a blessing.

[Upthevibe]

6. madaboutharry....

You're right about the future being forever changed for those left behind.

Thank you for your words...

[ProfessorGAC]

10. Such A Shame

Next door neighbor's son did this.
It's a sad situation.

[Upthevibe]

19. ProfessorGAC..........

Last edited Sun Oct 13, 2024, 11:37 AM - Edit history (1)

I'm sorry to hear about your neighbor's son...

It's a horrible situation........

[Frasier Balzov]

11. Finding the will to live can be a daily struggle.

I would substitute anyone's belief in the afterlife with a little notice of and attention to cosmology.

How large the universe is. How long it took and how unlikely it was that each of us has received the gifts of life and of consciousness. How we only receive these gifts once, and that there is no second chance.

The scourge of guns robs us of the opportunity to reconsider our decision. In that flash of a moment after pulling the trigger we experience regret under helpless pain of imminent death, there's no going back. It's instantly too late for us.

Do not go gentle. Rage against it.

[megahertz]

13. You don't know how they feel.

"...In that flash of a moment after pulling the trigger we experience regret..."

Nobody knows what or how anyone feels in their last moment. In my opinion, that kind of guessing or assumption is not helpful to spread as fact, especially if you're talking to survivors.

[Skittles]

15. correct

it's very hard for people who don't understand depression to come to terms with suicide

I especially detest people saying "it's the coward's way out".

[megahertz]

17. Yes, I agree with you on all of that. n/t

[Upthevibe]

20. Frasier Balzov

Thank you....

[Upthevibe]

38. Frasier Balzov.......

Thank you....

[Skittles]

14. very sorry

I know the pain, my dad shot himself and lived for six days. The first thing I said when notified was, "I always knew he would do that."

[Upthevibe]

21. Skittles...........

I'm so sorry....

The worst thing is when they linger....We were relieved that he passed after the machines were disconnected for just a couple of days....


For your and your family.....Six days is just......I don't know what to say except, once again, I'm sorry....

[TexasBushwhacker]

16. I have lost 3 people to suicide. All of them used a firearm.

Yes, you can hang yourself, throw yourself off a building, etc, but nothing is as lethal and quick as a bullet. Nothing. Owning a firearm can make the difference between having a bad day (or week or month or year) and tragedy. I think most people who commit suicide suffered from clinical depression, but not all. Since I struggle with depression myself, I will never own a firearm. It simply isn't safe. But IMHO, it really isn't safe for ANYONE. If you don't own a firearm, you can't kill yourself with one, you can't get it turned on you by a criminal robbing you or breaking into your home, you can't shoot an innocent person or animal accidently. Owning firearms DOES NOT make you safer.

[Upthevibe]

22. TexasBushwhacker ........

I'm so sorry you've lost three people.

I couldn't agree with you more about having access to firearms. The danger they can pose is devastating....

[TexasBushwhacker]

33. Just another example

A few years ago, we had a young girl who was hit by a falling bullet on July 4th or New Year's Eve. I forget which. But it pierced the soft tissue on her shoulder, severed a major blood vessel and she bled out in her father's arms. A freak accident for sure, but a freak accident that wouldn't have happened if some asshole with a gun hadn't shot it in the air. A falling bullet reaches a terminal velocity of 300 ft per second, and that's enough to cause major injury.

Here's another case:

https://www.indystar.com/story/news/nation-world/2017/07/11/13-year-old-indiana-boy-struck-falling-bullet-dies-hospital/15762847007/

[Upthevibe]

39. TexasBushwhacker

What a sad and horrible story....

[Mad_Dem_X]

18. So very sorry...

I lost a dear cousin by suicide in 2001. It's a terrible thing to go through; I always wonder if I could have done something, somehow, to prevent it. Hugs to you and to the young man's family.

[Upthevibe]

23. Mad_Dem_X......

Thank you....

I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin....

[mnhtnbb]

24. It's so hard to talk about suicide

and it's very brave of you to raise the issue.

I've known five people who have ended their own lives: one was the 20+ year old gay son of a friend who had made repeated attempts to kill himself and had battled depression for years; one was a 30+ year old lesbian woman with whom I did a 2 woman show when I lived in Lincoln, NE. I hadn't known her before we did the show, and she didn't seem depressed during rehearsals or the run of the show. She took pills and lingered for several days and I only heard about it when the owner of the theater space called to tell me she had died. Twenty years ago, when my oldest son-- who is gay--was a senior in high school, had a friend who shot himself in a park across from the high school. He had spent time with us at the beach the previous summer, and we were aware he was taking meds for depression. A few years ago I learned that a woman I'd gone to high school with--we were cheerleaders together in 1968-69--jumped in front of a train when she was out for her morning run. The night before she had hosted a birthday party for her 90 year old father, who was a well known psychiatrist. Her family was completely shocked--had no idea she was depressed --and insisted she must have accidentally stumbled and fallen in front of the train; the engineer said she'd looked right at him as the train was approaching and then jumped. We all later learned that her husband --high school sweetheart and very successful businessman--was under investigation for tax fraud and would later be charged, convicted, and sent to prison.
And then there was my estranged husband who used his shotgun to kill himself in 2018. He was a psychiatrist/psychoanalyst. His first attempt was on my birthday nine months before he was successful. After the first attempt he talked about doing it with both our sons. He wanted their help. He had been diagnosed with probable Lewy body dementia after being followed by a neurologist well known in the field for several years, and refused to accept the diagnosis. He refused to close his practice; he was increasingly verbally abusive to me; he refused to discuss financial plans or consider selling our house or engage in making decisions that would be helpful to my situation when he was gone, because, according to him there was nothing wrong with him. That's when I left. There is a French saying, "sauve qui peut" , save what you can. So I did.
I've read a fair amount about suicide--and thought a lot about it--since he pulled that trigger, and I think that the reasons people choose to do it can be all over the map. We know that some groups of people may be more at risk because they may be dealing not only with depression, but also a culture which doesn't always look favorably on who they are--particularly LGBTQ--and may have unsupportive family as well. Or, in the case of my friend's son who hanged himself after other attempts --may even have supportive family, but it isn't enough.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that because we are all individually unique, we are often left not knowing the answer to "why" and the discomfort that those who are left have can lead to denial...to hushing things up...to obituaries that read 'so and so died suddenly ' and a family that will not talk about it.

It's better to talk about it. My heart goes out to you, your friend and her family.

[Upthevibe]

28. mnhtnbb........

Last edited Sun Oct 13, 2024, 11:46 AM - Edit history (2)

I'm so sorry for your experiences with suicide.....

As I had mentioned, since January of 2021 I've practically been a "student" of suicide and suicide survivors (along with my best friend who lost her son). It's one of the most complicated situations one can be in. The shame is just...I have no words. We've struggled with who we tell the truth to (about my friends son -who I'll refer to as "Lance".... . In the beginning certain people were just told he "died suddenly and unexpectedly"....or he was in an accident).

Once again, I'm sorry for your losses as well....

[XanaDUer2]

25. Kick

[Upthevibe]

29. XanaDUer2.........

Thank you for kicking...

[XanaDUer2]

30. Awww

[JoeOtterbein]

26. I'm sorry....

....(tears.)

[Upthevibe]

31. JoeOtterbein...

Thank you...

[MissB]

27. deepest sympathies

such a difficult thing to process. I'm so sorry.

[Upthevibe]

32. MissB

Thank you...

[moonscape]

34. My father.

[Upthevibe]

36. moonscape

I'm so sorry....

[True Dough]

35. Glad you're reaching out here, Upthevibe

It's good to seek support from friends when such tragic events occur. But if you're really shaken up, don't hesitate to consult a professional counsellor. Your mental health is extremely important too.

Wishing you solace at this difficult time.

[Upthevibe]

37. True Dough......

Thank you...

We're fortunate here in Los Angeles where we have, The Didi Hirsch Foundation. They specialize in suicides. I had some really good counseling there after Lance passed away.

I probably will get back into therapy.

[True Dough]

42. Glad to know that you have that resource there for you, Upthevibe

Sincere well wishes to you.

[Upthevibe]

43. True Dough.

Thank you...

[Niagara]

40. I've been reading this OP since you've posted it, Upthevibe

I've been there myself and even then it's not easy trying to find that action or word(s) of comfort to another person after the fact of a suicide.


I'm a firm believer in letting another person know that they are loved. I'm also a firm believer in the power of hugs, especially if the other person's energy matches mine. It's much easier to do this with people who are welcoming compared to a person who looks at me like I have lobster's growing out of my head.


My in person interactions have improved over the years because one never knows when that last moment one will have with another person.


Have a hug. No...have an extra hug!

[Upthevibe]

44. Niagara.......

Thank you so much.....

[Niagara]

46. You're welcome, Upthevibe

[haele]

41. People handle pain differently. What seems like a little setback to me,

Could be a catastrophic failure to someone else.
What can be a regular minor annoyance to you could be just another burden on me that I'm just not willing to bear much more.
Ya, there are some people who use attempts to tell other they need help and go too far to call attention to that need, but there are other people who internalize exhausting problems and painful experiences be a point where they can't handle the pain anymore and just want out.
Is it selfish because of the hurt and shock - and guilt - it leaves to the living? Maybe. There's a lot of "woulda, coulda, shoulda" that happens afterwards where there's no clear answer, because ultimately, it was a personal decision.
And no one, no one else can judge, as painful as the question is, as to why that decision was made might be to those left behind. Only (if possible), find the triggers that caused this to happen - and if the pain was inflicted through malice or indifferent neglect, take measures to ensure someone else who might not have the strength to weather abuse or a preventable failure in "the system" takes their own life - or worse, takes others with them.

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry your friend's nephew found himself in a situation where he felt that was the only solution.

Take care of yourself and those around you. Listen. You are never alone. A burden shared is a lightened load that can usually be resolved with time to rest and recover before it becomes too much one can't see an end to.



Haele

[Upthevibe]

45. haele..........

Thank you so much.....