Possible New and Improved Republican Presidential Contender!

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It's Martin Crane's chair, and I'd say it stands a great chance of winning the nomination. It's dusty, moldy and presents no new ideas. It blew up the DirtScourge 2000 in the attempt to clean up it's outlook, just as it wants to do to other countries rather than negotiate. It's worn out, patched up with duct tape but oh so comfortable to the bigoted they just can't let it go. It sits there silently in it's refusal to update it's affect, which beats the one's who open their mouths with their antediluvian edicts and overt to covert avariciousness. It won't buy into the ACA nor oppose it just to appease the radical base.
Best parts are, MC's chair won't vote itself a pay raise, won't lower the taxes only for the extraordinarily affluent, won't oppose good policies just because the opposition party proposed them, won't drag us into endless and pointless wars. It won't oppose equal rights for LGBT or women, won't blather about "legitimate rape", it will leave Roe vs. Wade well enough alone and won't pander to the crazy far right religious insistence for special powers above all others. It won't oppose unions and other fair labor practices, it won't object vehemently to raising the minimum wage, nor pander to Fox News and Rupert Murdoch's slant even when it's on all the time in front of it. It won't implement policies that are great for the privileged yet discourage upward mobility of the middle class and poor. It won't cut vital services or rip off the social security fund you've paid dearly into for your retirement disguised as "privatization".
It won't call fast food workers "of satan" (SP), It won't say "I like to fire people". It won't ask "Is our children learning" (GWB), nor state: "Facts are stupid things" nor "Trees cause more pollution than automobiles" (RR). It won't call the gulf oil spill an "act of god" (RP), or claim: “I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.” (GWB). (author take a moment to ponder that one and huff his inhaler) It won't assuredly state: "Carbon Dioxide (isn't) a harmful gas" (MB). It won't say: "The Great Flood is an example of climate change. And that certainly wasn't because mankind overdeveloped hydrocarbon energy." (JB) nor "It is not the role of the Congress to make college affordable and accessible." (VF). It will restore faith in government better than (RJ): "When I hear politicians talk about restoring faith in government . . . No, no, no, no, no. That is the wrong solution!" It won't make asinine false comparisons like: "Forty years ago, the United States Supreme Court sanctioned abortion on
demand. And we wonder why our culture sees school shootings so often.&quot KC). It won't make purely political, actual job-disregarding directives such as: "Everything we do in this body should be about messaging to win back the Senate. That's it." (PS) or "The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president." (MM). It won't say "We're not preaching austerity" (PR) while proposing the most austere budget proposal imaginable. It won't say "We've done our work" (JB) in defense of the most unproductive legislative session in the entire congressional history. It won't campaign on blindingly odd statements such as "The middle class. Since when in America do we have classes? That's Marxism talk." (RS), nor respond "Yes, I would" (JW) when asked if he would restore slavery in America.
Yes, Martin Crane's chair, in comparison to the gaffe-spouters would appear a pinnacle of intellect with it's mute discourse and demure demeanor. It was beloved by a lovable if old-fashioned and crotchety curmudgeon, despite it's plebian nature and assuredly unassuming decor. It's a good speculation it will have less face-palmingly ignorant gaffes than many of the candidates to come, and it won't mind or have you arrested if you spill beer or ketchup on it.