This new LGBTQ parent could use some support.

[sybylla]

Our daughter came out to us last night about being trans and her plans to transition physically to a woman. There are so many emotions we are feeling right now, but primarily love and support are fairly evenly balanced with fear and dread for what she faces going forward. We have always been strong LGBTQ allies. Now we need to know and understand how to support someone close to us as they transition - which we see now as a much bigger haul than being a community support member.

Any links, helpful online support groups for parents, advice and/or dos & don'ts that most parents don't think about are welcome.

Edited to add that complicating matters is the fact that she and her wife are expecting a baby in about 6 weeks. There is just so much to process.

[cayugafalls]

1. You are not alone.

https://pflag.org

Edited to add: https://pflag.org/ourtranslovedones

[sybylla]

2. Thank you.

I should have known to go there. My brain is just all over the place today.

[cayugafalls]

4. I know how you feel.

Please know that the unconditional love you have is the best and most important thing you can do.

It is very hard, yet without love we all wither.

You always have a place here. But the support groups that PFLAG can put you in touch with will be the most important ones where you will find many who are experiencing the exact same feelings.

Sending you lots of hugs and love...cayugafalls.

[Amaryllis]

3. PFLAG is what I was going to recommend also. I've been a straight ally for years and over the years

have seen a big increase in the number of parents of trans kids and of trans people themselves at the PFLAG support meetings. Parents of children who have transitioned years ago and are there just to offer support to others, to parents like you who just had a child come out and are sorting thru their own feelings and are there to learn how to best support their child through transitioning. Or parents of very young children who are not yet at an age to transition, and how to best support them. Parents of kids of all ages and stages of coming out and/or transitioning. I always find it so moving to listen to the parents who are so determined to support their kid in the best way they can, and are there to learn how to do that, or if they are further along in the process. to offer support to others. And of course trans people of all ages and stages in the process there for support and/or to support others.

[ga_girl]

5. Couple of recommendations

First - PFLAG is an excellent resource.
Second - Go slow and deliberate in any decision making. While your daughter has just come out to you, she's probably been working on this for a while. My personal opinion is that with the birth of a baby, things will be crazy enough and adding transition will just ratchet emotions up to the sky.

There are several stages to a successful gender transition. They overlap in many ways and not all have to be accomplished to transition. The first in my mind is "social". This is generally how someone deals with the outside world and how the outside world deals with the person transitioning. This can include visible changes - growing hair and styling in feminine ways, losing facial hair (electrolysis or laser - expensive). Wearing clothes appropriate to the new presentation. The list is endless, but you probably get the idea.

Second would be "legal". Changing legal name, birth certificates, job information, insurance, etc. All of the 1001 pieces of paper we are tied to. Some of this can be done easily, "Please refer to me as Mary", some is a lot more complicated.

Third would be "medical". Does she want to start hormones? Get body modification surgeries? How old is she and how much has she been affected by Testosterone. Adams apple? Brow ridge growth. Many more physical issues that differentiate male and female.

It's rare that a marriage can survive a gender transition. Not impossible, but unusual. Look up "Genderbread Person" for some explanation of concepts that will come to the forefront.

[yankee87]

7. Supportive

Like stated before PFLAG is a great resource. My daughters came out years ago, and PFLAG helped me because I was scared for their safety. They really helped me

[sybylla]

8. Thanks to you all for your supportive comments!

I appreciate your help and direction and for reminding me to not get ahead of my daughter in her plans moving forward.

[Withywindle]

9. On top of all the other excellent comments people have made

I think it's OK to just ask her questions, and fully take the answers to heart. She will always be the best source of things that pertain to her, because trans people are not a monolith.

(Also if she's going to be parent to a baby soon, that'll take so much attention!)

[sybylla]

10. The monolith thing I understand.

Unfortunately, my SO thinks we should just let her reveal herself to us as she is comfortable. In other words, no questions. And now that a month has passed since the coming out, I've made peace with that. If it weren't for COVID, we would have many informal opportunities to get to learn more. Unfortunately, we are confined largely to video calls with occasional brief visits.

It seems she is taking more time to come out than I originally anticipated, so I am comfortable waiting for bit.