Yeah, no.

[tavalon]

Hi, I'm Tav

So, I've been obsessing (I've heard some call it hamster wheeling) about how to stay true to my recovery but at the same time, find a way to get J.s family, who are once a year callers, to know that he has a serious addiction and that he may die, so that they can then have the hot potato. Let go and let God but let his dad and mom and siblings, too. Yeah, no.

So, I talked to my higher power and this is how the conversation went. Don't worry, I didn't offend her. We've known each other a long time and she knows I'm a smart ass, especially when I'm trying to get my way.

Me, "Hey, I have this idea. I'll send his family the book, Addict in the Family, anonymously. That way, they'll have an informational book and they might figure out that J is an addict." My Higher Power, henceforth known as Evelyn, "Yeah, no." Me, "So that's codependent?" Evelyn, "And sneaky and sticky." Me, "But what if he dies and his family never knew. Don't I have a responsibility to give them a chance to help?", Evelyn, "Yeah, NO." Me, "Well, what should I do? I''m obsessing over this." Evelyn, "Have you thought about writing this down in your journal so maybe it can stay there and you can get back to working your program?" Me, "Yeah, no. I don't think I need to tell you that I misplaced my journal yesterday and I've looked all over for it. Even obsessed about it, right?" Evelyn, "Yeah, no, you don't need to tell me, though some thought about how and why that happened couldn't hurt. How about talking to your family or a friend?" Me, "Yeah, no. It's 1:30 in the morning and all my family and friends are asleep. No meeting to go to either because life is set up for the day shifter not the night shifters like me." Evelyn, "Nice Whine, you want some cheese with that?" Me, "Point taken".

Me, "I'm going to the A & R group on DU and splooge this, then maybe I can get this hamster out of my head. And I think I'll stop reading Addict in the Family for tonight. It would be nice to actually get to the paperwork I was going to do tonight or maybe try one more time to find my MIA journal. Only one more time though for tonight. Sound good?". Evelyn, " Yeah, yeah."

Thanks, anonymous DU peeps for reading. I sure hope this works. My hamster is getting tired.

[tavalon]

1. OMG

I found my journal. It had gotten tucked in the couch, I mean way back. There was other detritus too, not relevant.

But this is. I found a hydrocodone. I didn't cry. I took it to the sink, put it in the disposal and turned that puppy on. And I danced and laughed like a demon. I don't know what that says about me, but it sure was cathartic.

Now, onward and upward to the paperwork pile!

Before I went to look, I played the first five minutes of The Black Eyed Peas, I've Got A Feeling flash mob. I was dancing just like that while the disposal did it's work.

[cally]

2. congrats on sending that demon down the sink

when I found bottles around, I always talked about it at a meeting. I needed to tell on myself that some part of me wanted to drink what I found otherwise I found that I obsessed about it.

[NMDemDist2]

3. that Evelyn is pretty wise yanno?

I call him/her "BOB" (short for "Big Omnipotent Being&quot and it always comes down to "What would you be doing right now if you weren't nutz??" and usually the answer is "The dishes" or "The laundry" or something as mundane as that.

That little question has saved my bacon more than once....

Glad you 'splooged' and then found your journal

[tavalon]

4. It's funny, there is another topic right now about God

I'm so glad that I was able to get the whole "as we understand him (her)". My reliance and alliance with my higher power is so important for me. I have taken the driver's seat for years at a time and looking back, I suck at it.