Anyone else have problems with parties?

[bif]

Our neighbor had a graduation party for his daughter yesterday. My wife and I went and mingled with some of the neighbors for a bit, but I felt uncomfortable. I've never liked events where I don't know many people, (I'm not a great mingler), except when I used to drink. I've been clean for almost four years now, and I still don't enjoy these types of events. So I ghosted after about a half hour. My wife is very understanding and she ended up staying another hour or so. Thoughts?

[Walleye]

1. I've never enjoyed parties since I quit drinking over 25 years ago

[notKeith]

17. I don't have a problem with parties.. but..

The first thing I thought seeing this thread is the intrinsic difference between extroverts and introverts.
While over-simplified, the Myers-Briggs test will inform one of one's leanings.
Extroverts are far more comfortable in groups - even when they don't know anyone - and introverts are far more comfortable, say, sitting in a chaise lounge with a book.
So - question for bif - is your wife more of an extrovert than you are? I.e., drinking, per se, has nothing to do with personality, other than stifling natural tendencies and inhibitions.

[notKeith]

21. Just for giggles, I just retook the Myers-Briggs test..

I'm still an ENFP in their parlance.
https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

[secondwind]

3. I think a half hour from a neighbor is just about right.

[Tetrachloride]

4. I practice mentally with music, chill pills, copy the mannerisms of easy going friends.

Carry a bag of unsalted peanuts. Ice cream for the win at any time.

You might meet someone important. If you find a good chair, confiscate it and you don’t have to move.

[Chipper Chat]

5. Haven't been to a party since 1977.

I can't remember who I danced with drank with or talk to. But I distinctly remember listening to the
Styx
album But only one side of the album kept playing over and over again no one wanted to hear the other side.

[dem4decades]

6. So it was a pot party?

[Chipper Chat]

24. nah. beer.

Small town in Indiana it was about 3 years before the drugs hit

[3Hotdogs]

7. Parties... I always felt pressure that people were expecting stuff from me. Attention is on me...

But yes. Somebody's attention is on somebody at all times.

I broke this for myself.... put the focus on whoever you are facing. What's your name? Sounds interesting. What is the origin of your family name?

How do you know the host? --- pursue that line , that must have been an interesting time.

Pizza (ice cream) is good. I like (Joe'S Pizza. What's your favorite?

And so on.


I used to be late to parties because I didn't want to feel uncomfortable, trying to interact with new people.


So, I've learned a lot over the years about me and parties. PROBLEM IS, I'm 80 and nobody invites me to parties anymore.

[bucolic_frolic]

8. To juice socializing, find a few short, obscure if corny jokes and practice them out loud

Write a little of your own stand-up material and practice that.

Make a list of questions you can ask people, and give them room to talk while you listen. Try to get interested in their story. It takes the focus off oneself.

I have a terrible problem remembering/learning names. I have to consciously note it first and repeat it 3 times. Even on the phone, I have to write it down.

[RicROC]

9. My 'memory hook' to remember names is

to ask them how they spell their name, if it could be spelled in different ways. Many appreciate it.

John vs. Jon

Cathy vs. Kathy

Mark vs. Marc

Jean / Jeanne

Ann / Anne

Tom / Thom

[FailureToCommunicate]

11. Like parties or not, it's great that you have neighbors that are inclusive.

Since the pandemic started, we began having neighbors join us out on the street around six o'clock. We always kept masked and distanced, but as things have progressed, our gatherings have turned into a regular thing and sort of feeling of real community.

So, yes, I usually am sorta shy at gatherings. But my wife is brilliant at making connections with people, so I get swept up in her whirlwind and end up enjoying the socializing.

[PJMcK]

12. You did fine

Your life isn’t a show for others. It’s all about you and your loved ones.

Why do something you’re not enjoying? You went to the party, congratulated the graduate, thanked the hosts and left discretely.

Sounds to me like you’re doing well!

[ECL213]

13. I did the exact same thing a few weeks ago.

I stopped drinking about a year ago. My wife was out of town, so my 10 yr old son and I had to go next door to a graduation party. The only people we knew were our neighbors. We said hi, my son ate some cookies and then we tried our best to slip out unnoticed. I’m just not a mingler.

[llashram]

14. everyone has

their limits. I read nothing wrong here. A day at a time is all I need in mind to deal with this society currently.
Keep on pushin'

[cayugafalls]

16. A half hour for some neighbors kids grad party? PLENTY! You are good to go!

If it was some kind of neighborhood party and you all were getting together for the fun of getting to know each other, then an extra 1/2 hour would have been cool.

But this was his daughter and her friends time to have fun, I (as an old curmudgeon) would have bailed after tasting all the goodies. Probably even stolen a paper plate filled with "dinner" and not even batted an eye!

[Ferrets are Cool]

18. During covid? NOPE

And no, it isn't over.

[paleotn]

19. You sound just like me....

and my better half. We're simply wired differently when it comes to socializing with people we don't know or don't know well. I can do mindless chit chat with strangers or near strangers, but it's a conscious effort that's exhausting after a while. I'd really rather not if I can help it.

The real problem is people thinking that EVERYONE should socialize in the same way and on the same level. We call them neurotypicals (NT's) and they can be equal parts annoying and amusing. Humans are neurodiverse and the sooner society recognizes and VALUES that, the better for all of us.

I found a community of folks similar to me during my Navy days. It takes a certain type of person to cram themselves and 100+ other guys into steel tube that's submerged for months at a time. Communication with the outside world is short, succinct, rarely outgoing and we're OK with that. Simply part of the job. And there are no strangers and few secrets on a submarine. We all come to know each other very well. So, you could say that introverts like us help provide the nuclear deterrent that allows Americans to sleep soundly at night. Just a thought.

[bif]

22. My wife absolutely loves chitchatting

I just hate it. She loves going from person to person and finding out all about them. I hate small talk. So now I have an even better excuse to avoid those kinds of gatherings. I tell her I can't handle parties like that sober. And she's determined that I remain clean. So she lets me slide.

[paleotn]

23. That helps a ton. Reminds me of my sister-in-law.

My partner's older sister. Sometimes she acts as our "communicator." She's a gem.

[SWBTATTReg]

20. I do enjoy (or did) getting w/ people, and you don't really have to drink (alcohol that is, I can,

but I don't a lot of times). I usually bought diet coke by the case/12 pack for the party holders, so I had a ready supply of what I wanted to drink.

The problem I have is usually you almost always have someone (or multiple people) monopolizing the conversations, and you usually don't even get a chance to even say anything. I find this true in a lot of situations, and I do find a lot of people are pretty selfish about it, and it is kind of disappointing.

Some people are pretty good about letting others engage in the surrounding conversations, but a lot of people aren't so willing, to, I guess, give up the limelight.

I think you (bif) did pretty good, I'm sure your neighbor understood that everyone's situation is different, and was probably pretty happy you all showed, even if for a few minutes, nothing wrong w/ that. After all, not all of us knows one's schedule for the next day or so, you may have early morning appointments, etc.

Congrats on the 4-year anniversary, this is a major milestone. I only wish that those in my family that partook of the alcohol kept control and they too, went clean. They didn't and it unfortunately killed them (or helped kill them, the drinking).

Thanks for the update and I wish you the best!