you ever just feel like dying?

[Evoman]

I'm only 34 and some parts of me wants to line a long life. I'm getting married so I want to grow old with my partner. We don't have kids but so we wanted twork until we could retire early, travel a couple of times a year and just enjoy our loves till we are old and feeble.

But there is also this part of me sick of being palliative, and in pain, and always sick. I don't havre enough energy to walk two blocks, let alone work or travel. my days pass laying on the couch our in bed on the internet our playing video games. and sometimes I just wish I was dead. I feel like getting off treatment and just dying

But I can't. I can't because I want to spend whatever time I have left with my love. sigh. I'm not sure what I want to articulate here.

I'm just so tired..

[sigmasix]

1. same boat here

I'm 46 and have been fighting a rare form of intestinal cancer for almost 11 years. I've been given "weeks to live" several times but I always seem to pull it out. After the years of chemotherapy and all the operations there isnt much left of me. My wife is my soul mate and life journey companion- I'm very selfish of my time with her and our children. Many times I have wanted to just give up and allow myself to die- but I always return to my heart's desire. Maybe we are living in this inbetween condition for a good reason, or maybe there is no reason for it. I'm ever hopeful that I experience each and every moment I have left with courage and unique wonder. These are the times that are the hard shell surrounding the good days spent with those we love. There is something freeing about giving up your expectations for this life because of serious medical barriers. I wake each morning suprised to be alive and work from there. I cannot mow a lawn or drive a vehicle anymore. My world has shrunk to fit my home and the occassional grocery store trip. But I still live to experience each day. Every small victory is worth the effort and serves as proof that you do not allow cancer to define you.

[YvonneCa]

2. ...

... No words...

[Tab]

3. Hi

I won't use your real name, but wanted to post here instead of a private PM.

I feel like giving up a lot. I have people around me, though, not the least of which is my son and my mother and my wife. My wife would probably deal, but it would devastate my son and my mother.

Yet I understand the desire to keep on keepin' on. You and I have similar diagnoses. I'm also 15+ years older than you and have lived a full life, more than most, and wouldn'f feel like I would be missing out on much of anything if I was to check out early. That said, there are many things I'd like to hang around for. I'd like to hang around for my son. I'd like to hang around for technology - what will it be like in 15 years?? And yet, some times, I'm so tired that I don't give a crap.

I was on (briefly) an oral chemo (Stivarga) that made me seriously doubt the ratio of quality of life to quantity of life. I got nearly every side effect listed. I wouldn't do that again. To stay alive and yet be miserable every moment is not good. I hope to find a point where I can stay alive and enjoy it.

- t

[EgyptianDentist]

4. Hugs

Dont worry about living or dying, just try to feel relaxed and sleep well. Dying is just another journey it's the death of the body not the soul, while living try to be comfortable and happy, when you die and we are all gonna die think about getting rid of the diseased body and having a free soul flying in the universe that will continue to have a relation with your soul mate and this time an eternal relation!

[Uben]

5. That's human....we are capable pondering the what ifs

But let me tell ya, the last ten years spent with my wife before her death were the best! Yeah, we endured some some rough times, but doesn't everybody? I have those memories, and once we pass, that's what remains....and that becomes a treasure we can enjoy till our turn is up.