Mom was just diagnosed with cancer in her kidney.

[Ed Suspicious]

I know i am active and abrasive outside of this group in support of my favorite candidates and in opposition to others. I hope that what happens outside this group stays outside this group. I just want to get some advice from regular human beings when I post here.

Last night I learned my mother, 59 (I think. Is it sad that I don't even know her age?), was informed by her doctor that she has cancer in one of her kidneys. I have no idea what stage it is at or what her prognosis is at this time. She has been producing blood in her urine for a couple weeks. They did some testing that revealed the heart of the problem. It was cancer.

I talked to her on the phone last night about 15-20 minutes after she found out. She was not taking the news well. I called back to talk to her a little later and she seemed a bit more subdued and able to talk about things. There still is a lot to be learned, but when faced with her own mortality, she was not going to go quiet into that good night. Now this isn't some noble march along the doctor's prescribed path that she was talking about. Her rage, for last night, took the form of "I'm going to drink myself into a stupor. I'm not just going to lie in bed and waste away." And then came more and more tears. She was inconsolable.

So I guess I would like to know what you guys, what anybody might say to help me to help her navigate this. I really don't know what to say to her or to myself. I don't know. I told her that I think she needs to wait longer to find out more details before we make any rash choices. I also told her that if she decided to get drunk after it all, she should do so with somebody, and she should try to stay safe. I guess I figure a night or two of petulant rage resulting in inebriation doesn't sound that out of order, but at the same time I don't want her to make a habit of it and I would like her to deal with and accept the process that she now faces, and I hope I can help her somehow to balance hope with acceptance of our common human eventuality.

I don't know. I just wonder if you might have a few words of wisdom to pass along to the oldest son and his sick mother.

[YvonneCa]

1. I am sorry that your mother is going...

...through this. Any cancer diagnosis is unbelievably scary. Mine was thyroid and breast, and I still struggle sometimes with the fear...even as I'm now doing well. Your mom is lucky to have a caring son like you to help her through it. From your post, I can see what a good son you are.

I will also say that a cancer diagnosis has a huge 'learning curve' for both the patient and the family. I thought I knew what breast cancer was, but I knew NOTHING. I was having to do research on my type of cancer.. which frightened me more. If you can do that along side her.. when she's ready... that will help you to understand and support her decisions.

Finally.. and you probably already know this...she is in the stages of grief right now. Denial and anger are the first ones. Anger that she has to deal with this. Anger at what the treatment is. Anger at financial/job implications. Anger that her son has to know and deal with it too. Etc...
Try to be patient. You sound WONDERFULLY patient. And take time to keep yourself strong. This is a marathon. You can only help her if you take care of yourself.

I wish you and your mom hope and strength. And may things get better as you go forward.

Edited to add...
After my cancer experiences, I am a bit touchy when people remind me of the usual 'safety precautions', like lock doors and don't do certain things because they worry about lurking danger. I did all those things and the scariest still got me...cancer.
So the lasting lesson I learned is not to be afraid of life. Live it! And I don't lock doors so much.

[Ed Suspicious]

2. Thank you for the response. I really appreciate it.

She's going to have her kidney and ureter removed. The cancer has not spread to the lymph node so that's good. She seemed a little more at peace with everything this evening. I think not knowing what to expect is nearly as traumatizing mentally for her as the illness itself.

[YvonneCa]

3. I'm glad she is doing...

...a little better at coping.
That is great news that it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes! Hopefully after the surgery she will continue to get good news.

I agree that not knowing is awful. That and the sense of 'lack of control' over one's life are terrifying. Hopefully, after surgery, that will start to improve.
I wish you both the best.

[Nay]

5. The fact that it had not spread to a lymph node is wonderful. If it was confined just

to that one kidney, after its removal she theoretically can live a normal length of life, AFAIK.

As a breast cancer survivor myself, I remember only too well how terrified I was when I found out. It was torture to wait a few days for the biopsy results. When my lymph node was declared clear, I felt some relief. But I have to say that the thought that it might come back some day is always in the back of my mind. It never really goes away.

[Tab]

4. First, I'm sorry to hear that

and how people take cancer depends a lot on what stage it is and what mental state they're in. It's a knockout, pretty much wherever you are.

I would first encourage you to try to accurately assess where she is. Beyond that, it's very personal. I know that my main wish is to pass on to my son (or anyone else who's interested) my life experiences, and encourage her to talk about that. But, as I said, it's personal, and not everyone wants to do that (or is ready to do that). I would mainly encouraqge her to share what she knows to her younger generation (you).

There's no need to make rash choices right now. I would also encourage you to help her put legal things to rest (e.g.: power of attorney if she's not healthy, or a living will.

However, I don't know that there are any choices to be made - if she wants treatment, that's one thing, but I know it's a hard thing to wrap your brain around and accept. My personal issue is slow-moving, but I don't know where she is (hence trying to assess it). If it's fast-moving, I don't have any experience there- maybe someone else does. I wish both you and her the best.

Also, check in please - either on the forum or a PM, so we can help each other.

- Tab

p.s.: on edit: What you do outside of this forum is none of our concern. Cancer is a common enemy. Help us fight it.

[slipslidingaway]

6. We leave all other opinions at the doorstep in this forum and I know everyone agrees...

happy to read the cancer has not spread.

Advice, that is hard to say, stay in touch with your Mom and read her clues. Better for her to have a one minute conversation when she does not want and for you to feel unsatisfied with the brief contact than to have her feel lonely ... stay in touch on regular basis. You might not feel satisfied, but she knows someone cares enough to reach out. If you are up to it do some research and guide her care. Many people say do not google and then they also say to ask questions, you cannot ask questions without some knowledge. Try and be that balance between too much knowledge and burying your head, it is not an easy task.

Lastly ask for and seek help from family and friends.

Wishing your Mom the best.

[Tab]

7. Might I also suggest an opposite variation (depends on patient - both versions are fine)

If she wants to talk for an hour but you only have 5 minutes (and assuming it's a coherant conversation, not with Alzheimers in the mix), try to make the hour for her. And, if you need to, tell her you love her each time.

I believe in this life it's the last moments we do, rather than the whole of our life before that. The whole of her life may have been incredible for her, but ultimately in your present. So if you haven't told her anything yet or asked her for anything yet, follow her cues, as slipsidingaway said, and take advantage of signs.

Hopefully if the cancer has not spread, you may not be at that point yet, but start the process because at some point it'll be important but maybe not possible later. It doesn't have to be in a "you're dying" approach, just "Mom, we're both getting older and I'd like to talk about some of your life I don't know about, if you want to share with me. For instance, when you were in WWII/Riding Dolphins in SeaWorld, traveling through Asia, or just what you remember about my birth and what my life was like." Particularly if she'll talk about HER parents and HER growing up - we just don't pass that along any more.

It's good to make a point to talk to people I've wanted to, if they want to hear it. That's me. Others may prefer not to talk. Family legends and stories - try to remember it and preserve it.

Oh, and if she's in the mood and likes to go through photo albums, it's a good time to hear those as stories. My mother has all kinds of pictures (unfortunately a lot got stolen unexpectedly) and I don't know who any of these people are. Be nice to write it on the back in this day and age. Unfortunately when half the stuff is digital nowadays it becomes harder to pass these things along.

[sinkingfeeling]

8. First, I'm sorry. Next, you need some more information, like where the tumor is located and how was

it defined, like what Stage was it?

Cancer is frightening, but it is not an immediate death sentence.

I was diagnosed with Stage IV (the worst) cancer about 7 years ago. I had surgery and 33 bouts of radiation, then my jaw bone started to disintegrate, and I had depression. About a year after diagnosis, I started to feel like 'me' again and am now going strong.

The removal of a kidney is major surgery, but if your mom is only 59 and doesn't have any other medical conditions, she should do fine with only one kidney and no cancer!

Just make sure she has you or someone else to see her through this and just let her talk.