How are people doing?

[cilla4progress]

Since my parents both died within 6 months of one another over 20 years ago, I have struggled at this time of year.

My family is few and far between. Foetunately, though sparse, those bonds are mostly intact. Somehow, in older age and semi-retirement, with covid and cultural divisiveness sprinkled in, my social interactions have diminished to almost nothing.

All my usual tools of engagement are failing me.

I'm lonely and in pain.

Not seeking solutions, just a little commiseration, understanding.

Maybe it will change in the Spring.

Anyone out there wanting to share?

[IbogaProject]

1. Very sparse family here

Both my parents were only children. Wife only had one aunt. So we have a sparse family. We're in a big city so we see extended family once in a while. But I'm facing that as we only have one kid.
I can only suggest looking for a group of some sort. My mom and a neighbor did red hat ladies, not MAGA predates the pumpkin. Call a local newspaper and see when they publish groups and events. Libraries often have listing and on site events and groups. https://www.meetup.com/ is another.
Best wishes I'm sad how our nation can really make lonlyness feel extra accute.

[cilla4progress]

6. Thanks

[XanaDUer2]

2. Dear cilla

I'm sorry you're feeling isolated. I'm in a similar situation. My parents both died in 96, but i didn't really know my father.

Mentally, in going for SSDI, no more working. I just couldn't anymore.

I'm sorry how you feel. Thanks for sharing.

[cilla4progress]

7. Thank you!

Last edited Fri Dec 16, 2022, 12:39 PM - Edit history (1)

[XanaDUer2]

8. I have 2 half sisters down in Fl. I'm about 500

Miles away. I do have a close cousin 90 minutes away. I often feel cut off. One sister is disabled, the other is early 60s and has a great life traveling all the time.

We're housebound. We got covid i caught in a masks optional doctors office, and am so worried about getting it again.

[cilla4progress]

14. I'm sorry -

stay safe and well XanaDUer2!

[MontanaMama]

3. Hugs to you, my friend.

Please know you aren’t alone even though it feels like it. My parents both died between thanksgiving and Christmas…a year apart. I’m no mental health expert but it feels a little like ptsd, I think. The trauma of their deaths and then the dismantling of their home and belongings that followed. It colors everything this time of year…for me at least. I work really hard to identify and acknowledge my sadness when it pops up…it comes in waves. I try to focus on creating a beautiful holiday experience for my kiddo…I don’t want him to care take for me…because he would. He’s just that type of child.

We can lean on each other here. I’ll be thinking of you…I get what this feels like.

[cilla4progress]

10. Beautiful, thank you!

I completely share your feelings about your son - I'm most glad that my daughter (our only!) is happy and thriving not too far from you! We will have a few days with her as we visit my 94 year old mother in law, who is sadly declining.

How difficult that would be - to lose your parents in that way! Why do so many pass during this period?

Thanks much., Montana Mama. Yes. this here is my strongest community. That seems wierd to me, since we exist only in the virtual world? I'm old school. I guess!

[MontanaMama]

15. My mom died the day after Thanksgiving.

My sister, who is a big Black Friday fan (I'm most certainly not), says that mom picked that day to die on purpose! I wouldn't put it past her...

[cilla4progress]

16. Too funny...

always helpful to find silver linings or a little bit of humor, I believe.

Thank you so much, MM!

[Haggard Celine]

4. Stay in contact with those you have left.

Don't be paranoid, but you never know when you might lose another, so spend time and energy with those you have left and enjoy it! I'm fortunate to still have my parents. I didn't even know them, really, for most of my life, but in the last few years we've really gotten to know each other well. It's been great, and I'm learning more about other family as well.

My relationships with friends haven't gone as well. I have one real friend left, and he lives 200 miles away. But we love each other and we get together when we can. We talk all the time. Don't fret over those you don't have anymore. You can't change that. But you can make the best of your relationships with those you have.

Remember the good times and shrug off the bad ones. Hope you have a nice holiday season, and be positive. You still have people in your life who care about you and who you care about as well. It's easy to fall into depression this time of year, but you can just as easily make it enjoyable. If nothing else, find someone who has nothing, and give them something. It could mean the world to them, and it would make you feel good as well.

[cilla4progress]

11. Absolutely!

I love your kind post - thank you! Great personal story and sentiment! I can relate.

I agree - far more gratifying to give than to receive. We need nothing and I'm over the accumulation of things - toxic and deadly to the planet as they are!

We/I have an ethic of giving to individuals and nonprofit groups at this time of year. We have a guy - a local somewhat delayed hillbilly - who watches our place when we are gone. I pay him well, but I've become aware that he and his dementia mom are food insecure. Got him a gift certificate to the local independent grocery store in town this year. Stunning to think of this happening to our neighbors! I'm a bit naive, I guess.

Best wishes to you, too!

[Atticus]

5. Hang in there, my friend. Are there friends or family members you could visit via "Zoom"? nt

[cilla4progress]

12. Yes., we will see some of our ever-shrinking family for a coupla days

at Christmas.

Husband's sibling dynamic is ironic and strange, though mostly warm and loving. Of the 4, 3 are die-hard progressive Dems, including my husband. The one who is more local - who we will see at Christmas - is a fundamentalist. Let's face it, a christofascist. Yet, she and my husband are their 94 yr. old (declining) mom's main caregivers - and we have a loving warm relationship with her! Weird. We are able to 100% avoid talking politics or social issues with her, tho she knows where we stand!

My MIL is failing, which is so hard to see. A part of me just wishes to get it over with, because she is suffering. I feel guilty about that. She lived independently till she was 93 and led a privileged life interspersed with deep heartache and tragedy - but overall a good life and is well-loved by her kids.

My 29 year old firebrand daughter is flying in for a couple days so she will be with us. Even my daughter now grasps that the family bonds outweigh the vast political breach!

My sister with rampant mental health and other struggles is 3000 miles away. I finally heard from her yesterday and she is on a pretty good trajectory right now, thank goddess. I love her sons but rarely interact with them, as they are far away. After some struggles they too seem to be on solid footing for now.

Thank you so much for your reply, Atticus! It's helping me to process and see some things to feel positive about!

[XanaDUer2]

9. I know many hate social media

But I'd be totally isolated without it

[cilla4progress]

13. I find it odd -

how to think of it.

Is this a community? Are we friends?

[vercetti2021]

17. Lot to unpack

My girlfriend stood me up at the courthouse, the Texas gov wants me on record via my DL change. Pretty shitty tbh

[cilla4progress]

18. Sorry to hear this, vercetti!

Stay in touch!

[vercetti2021]

19. Trying just sad

But cant be afraid to show a hand if stuff gets bad for trans people in Texas. Gotta fight

[cilla4progress]

20. Yep

Fascistic guv ya got there.

[OldBaldy1701E]

21. I am with you there cilla.

As someone who used to be able to be 'the life of the party, now I find that i have pretty much no one. My 'friends' have all either decided that I am not worth the effort or just never were friends to begin with. (A lesson that I have now internalized completely. I will never use that term without cause again. After more than a few stories about 'they are my best friend!', 'Really, how long have you two known each other?', 'Three we lament eks!' and so on, I learned that the word is used way too easily and usually means that someone is up to something.)

'Lonely and in pain' is my middle name these days. I just sit and stare at my guitar or my other equipment and lament the fact that those days are gone. I have not touched them in so long that I doubt I could even play them anymore. My voice is gone after years of not keeping it up to snuff. But again... why bother? That ship sailed almost ten years ago now.

Family? Don't get me started. They never wanted me around and I don't want to be around them. The tepid attempts to keep things on a normal plane are fine as long as we chat via text messages around three times a year and keep it brief. And, before anyone mentions reconciliation I would point out that I was not the one who created the chasm. Why should I do all the work when I was not the one who stared the situation?

I spent many decades bending over triple to please everyone because that was what I was taught. It took me most of those decades to figure out that such behavior is just a set up for others to take advantage of you. But, the second you stand up for yourself, or say no to someone, you are reviled and hated as if you always behaved that way. I just gave up. I have no idea what society is becoming, but I can tell you that, so far, I see nothing in it that I want to be involved with anymore. All of the aspects of our society that created the situation that I am in these days are being hailed as the best aspects of our country. The evil that I see in humans is being presented as positive business acumen, which in turn is also being held up as a good trait to have. As an entertainer, I have watched my profession turned into a 'reality' joke. Not to mention watching CGI being used to replace actors with images. I have no place here. I suppose I never did. Hopefully, I won't have to deal with it much longer.

(Sorry. As the title track to my final CD says, "I'm filled with bile...right to my brain.')

[cilla4progress]

22. Oh crap,

Old Baldy...Im sorry to read this and glad you are here with us!

I get disgusted too.

Do you have any pets or other nature in your life? One of my biggest sources of joy...

[OldBaldy1701E]

23. There are times when clarity and calmness manage to take over.

It is those times when I feel very embarrassed about my outbursts here. I really don't have anyone else to blow off to and you lot are the unfortunate card holders. Today, I am a bit better in that we have a nice house, it is decorated and, somehow, we have a full haul under the tree. (Granted, I made several 'prop' gifts which were little games and such from the dollar store to make the tree look more seasonal. In the past, they worked out great but this year I may have to pull them just to make more room. Wild.)

Still in pain. I hate neuropathy.

But thank you all for your support and good vibes. Even virtual support is better than one. My beloved hubby is always here in spirit even though he is working nights and we have opposing schedules. I see him when he leaves and when I wake up, which is when he is usually going to bed. But, he cannot be my everything, even though he is my pretty much everything. No one person should be put in that position, especially when you have to add in my mental state. So, it is great to have something to hold onto so that he doesn't have to be freaking Atlas all the time.

Thank you. Thank you.

[Lifeafter70]

24. I hope the new year is treating you better

I rejoined du recently because of the cancer support group. Have been reading post in all the health groups. You mentioned your gutair and music. Would like to hear you play. Remember you have a gift to create music something I and others do not have. Remember we all have worth and contribute what we can in this life.

[OldBaldy1701E]

25. Thanks.

I would say that we all have worth in life, but our society does not care about any worth other than worth that they can get their grubby hands on. If you have nothing that someone can take advantage of, then you have no 'worth' and you are nothing. Oh well.