what doesnt help.

[mopinko]

so, i heard from my sister yesterday, 1st time since may 20, when she trekked to my house to tell me that i needed to get some ‘help’.
now, there are a lot of folks w issues in my fam. my oldest sister struggled w depression back when it was supposed to be a shame. i’ve spent plenty of time on the couch, etc, but it is rooted in my physical health, so all the therapy did was convince me my life was fucked, and the cause of my issues. i kept changing my life, and it doesnt go away. but to them, i am weak and f’d up.

the plague has been chewing on me from the start, and by may things were already exploding in my life. but i was in more of a ‘too happy’ place back in may. so obviously i was manic.

all my family has ever been there to do for me is demand that i ‘get help’. never asked- what can we do? they just have never been there for me the way they are there for each other.
this is the sister that i got elected in 18. she’s mad i wasnt there for her re-elect in nov. now, she didnt rly ask me to help. she just asked me to dig up some of the stuff i did for her in 18. she was already mad at me. told her- too bad, so sad. use your own words. she did fine. ftr, i rarely work a re-elect. i would have if she’d offered me an actual job, and money, but that wasnt the ask.
so i got a package yesterday. a nasty note on her results, and a pin i had bought her at the beginning of the campaign. when we won, she gave me an $80 pan of pot brownies, despite my telling her, ad nauseum, that edibles do nothing for me. she returned the pin cuz i had pointed out that i spent $135 for it.
i not only got her elected, i was at her side when her hubs died suddenly half way through the campaign. and before that, i had lent part of my divorce settlement to their house flipping venture.
but trust me when i tell you that not a 1 of them has done anything for me since i was in my 20’s.
she had the nerve to tell me she wasnt gonna put up w MY ‘shit’.

well, they can all eat shit and die. srsly. so much better off w/o them. it so fucking painful seeing them helping each other and only ever shaming me. (it’s my dirty house, ya see.)

this prompted me to post this on twitter this a.m.-

if u know someone who is struggling w depression/mental health, pointing ur finger at them and telling them ‘u need help’ doesnt count as helping.
‘what can i do?’ is helping. judging isnt needed.
we know.

anyway, fuck the shamers. they have no idea.

[TigressDem]

1. Depression makes everything look like shi*

Maybe she is a little lost without you and is begging you to get better, maybe she is lording it over you.

Unable to tell from a spectator spot.

But I do know this. As a depressive, it is my job to take care of me, but sometimes I can't.

I have given people in my life permission to light a fire under my ass when that happens, but it was my choice.


Let's start here:

YOU MATTER.

YOU DESERVE a better life whether it makes them happy or not.

DON'T leave yourself in the pits to get back at them.


MAYBE if there is a better thing she could do to help you, you could ask specifically.

If she has money and can hire someone to help you get stuff organized, it might be a path back to living on your own terms. IDK, right now if someone would help me get my house organized so I could find things quickly IS my dream of helpful. May not be yours.

IF you just need space from her without being judged, that can be a request too.

IF you need to tell her that actually WORKING for her vs handing over your work would have given you a self esteem burst, that might help her understand what kind of help actually helps.

People can be emotionally clumsy, but if she is still reaching out it is because she values you.

Yeah, she doesn't know HOW to help and she's a bit of an emotional ditz, but she WANTS to see you better.

My sister and I were on the outs due to a fight we had when our Mom died. She took her space.

When we got back in touch, sometimes all I did was have my phone in my pocket with head phones so I could wash dishes and clean while she went on and on about her life.

She got someone to listen, I got someone to be there virtually with me while I cleaned. I HATE CLEANING ALONE.

At one point we did a family vacation together and had so much fun, eventually I asked if she ever thought of moving if she could move to my state. She did.

She still does a lot of things for me that I don't really need, but I accept the love implied. I tell people if I ever get rich, she will be my personal shopper. The clothes I love, she has picked out for me. I HATE SHOPPING.

But I have so many clothes now, I am drowning in them. LOL. Hard to let go of stuff because for me it is a symbol of her love after we almost lost each other.

I hope you and your sister/family can figure it out.

THE HARD PART.... you have to be your own hero as far as your own mental health goes.

No matter WHAT the others do, that place inside you that judges and feels judged is IN YOUR CONTROL and when you are depressed, it's the F*****G depression that is in control.

KICK DEPRESSION'S A**

Saying that to YOU because I need to hear it myself.


SO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOURSELF and tell Depression to go suck it.

FIND SOMETHING bright and beautiful and make it your screen saver or wallpaper so you see beauty.



OH and FIND your inner TIGRESS

[mopinko]

2. i'm actually in a pretty good place.

well, on my way, anyway. this plague has beaten me up financially, too. but i just put a rental property that i own on the market, and it will sell quickly. i’ll be fine, and will most def spend some of that money to take care of myself.
it’s been nerve wracking, but it’s almost over.

i am def at an inflection point where i accept that i am old now, and need to cut back, simplify, and give up on some shit i thought i could accomplish.
it’s time for the next phase, and i aint mad.
i called on a dear old friend, and she’s gonna help me shed some crap. the company will go a long way. she’s helped other friends do this thing, and she’s just a nothing but good egg. we’re gonna put any money we make in a fund to take a trip to ireland and scotland.

but honestly, she has no idea what i am up to and never rly has. they’re close enough to think they know, but not close enough to know what they dont know.

i did end my last text w- you’re a clod. an oaf. you all are.
it is about being clumsy, but somehow it’s only w me.

i also have the greatest puppy right now. sorta had no business spending the money, but this is a once in a lifetime dog. she’s already doing me a lot of good, and i’ve only had her 2 mos.

[TigressDem]

5. Glad to hear it.

My BFF has family like that. She is BiPolar. I am uniPolarD.

Her Mom was her HUGE advocate whenever she got hospitalized. Sisters, clueless.

BUT for years, whenever she started getting "better" they feared she was on the way UP with no way to come down.

I told her, "You have to tell them, 'STOP TELLING ME I AM SICK' because it just makes me worried and then I actually push myself into BEING SICK." If you ever went to therapy, you may have heard that it's hard for black sheep or hero to change roles or just be themselves when the family is set up a certain way, people are stuck where they got assigned growing up.

Sometimes chosen family (aka friends) can be more objective and supportive as they don't have as much to lose if you get better. So glad you have a "dear old friend". THOSE are the BEST kind. When I talk to my BFF, I feel more like myself. Hard to explain, but I know that she "knows me" better than even my Hubby.

My BFF is 15 years out of hospitals and has caught herself "going up" and taken proper steps to get herself on a good path multiple times. She is the one there for her Mom now and her sisters still don't "get it" but once in awhile they have gone out and had fun.

I am proud to be her "unofficial sister" and my kid's call her Auntie.


DOGS are SO good for people. They love unconditionally.

Can you still "love" your sister even if she's a clod?

Forgiveness is FOR YOU, not them.

Resentment is like a fish hook in your soul attaching you TO those you resent and tugging at your heart every time you think life is getting better, because it's unfinished business.

I've had to let go of people who were toxic, but forgive them for not knowing how toxic they were. It is still grief work, but I don't feel like a "bad person" for taking care of myself because I refused to push the shame back.

Good luck. You sound like you will be FINE.

[mopinko]

6. yeah, they have not been in my life enough to have more than a little clue.

not since i moved away in ‘80. so all they have is me of 60 yrs ago. which was me w undiagnosed epilepsy to boot.
they’re looking through a keyhole, and seeing dirty laundry on the floor, and filling in the blanks.

i’ve told them all, over and over, that i’m not mad, i dont hate them, i just dont have the bandwidth. they’re a drain. i do loathe my 1 bro, which is also based in childhood, but he has done nothing differently the few times i’ve seen/talked to him since. he’s in cali, so i rarely see him. but i have no beef w most of them. i miss the kids, but i dont miss the hassle of holidays and all that shit. it’s almost always a disappointment.

i admit i’m kinda bitter, but i’m kinda bitter about a lot of things. esp these days.
it rly is a low level issue. cuz i srsly can live w/o them, no prob. i can see it all shaking out at some point. sorta how irish families roll. but i def have bigger fish to fry.

[TigressDem]

11. Yeah, I always say I got a long Norwegian fuse....

but at the end is the HUGE Irish temper bomb.

Why don't they have Holiday cards that say, "I love you even if you do treat me like crap."

A priest once told me something that helped me let go.
"No one wakes up in the morning thinking 'How can I be a real a**hole today?' Because whatever they do, they 'think' it's the best they have to give at the moment or they are focused on their problems and not thinking at all."

There is a holiday vid from Dropkick Murphy's (Murphy is part of my Irish side)
I could NOT watch the "reaction video" because the dysfunction was so off the charts it hurt my soul.
Some people might think it's funny.

BUT MOST of US don't have THIS level of CRAZY in our lives, so at least I feel blessed for that.

[mopinko]

12. i'm not livin in a box. so i got that.

yeah, it most def could be a lot worse. we mostly just seethe silently at each other.
every now and again i throw something. like once a decade. but that’s the proof, ya see. but we’d all be better off if we just broke some shit, i think.

[TigressDem]

16. You know what's funny. I once had a business idea that combines....

The NEED we have some times to just break stuff... AND recycling.

So you can bring in recycling, sort it and smash it yourself.

Or pay a fee to go to the already sorted bin and throw stuff. (Cheaper than therapy)

The smash zone would be on first story and the area you throw items on second story with those clear plastic strips they have on commercial freezers to help keep cold air inside when the door gets opened.

So in the same way you throw down your clear glass jar and it smashes on rocks or something down stairs and that satisfaction of release is FUN. Plus you are helping defray costs for recycling. Win/Win

[mopinko]

19. actually, that's been done.

i moved to the city from the burbs in 80, age 26. came from a pretty cool little town that was eco-conscious b4 it was cool. there was a small for-profit glass recycler.
you could go there and pitch bottles at the concrete walls all day if u wanted. it was great.
i think the went bust about the time i moved.
might explain y my 1st divorce saw a fair amount of broken glass.

we had a great used bookstore, too. eat a book. a big ole house full of books on the edge of town.

[mopinko]

14. i should be fine.

my life has been all ups and downs, and i do feel like i’m headed back up.
but damn it’s been a hard couple years. i’m 68, and i cant help thinkin this is the 1 that doesnt turn back up. if it does, i’m in a place to enjoy it more. if not, i’m doin what i have to do about that.
if i didnt have so much company in this, i’d feel a lot worse. i know not 1 person who’s not been touched, whether they got sick or not.
i figure worse is i muddle through, as always.

[TigressDem]

17. Hey, you made MY day brighter!!

Got me up and going because when I encourage someone else it is also aimed at myself.

Got some organizing done today, made some progress on defining my projects with items that can go on my TO DO list and feel like my ability to tell my own inner critic to sod off is getting stronger.

When a person is depressed and reaches out instead of tunneling into the big D, it's always inspiring.

We are only as sick as our secrets and you know your truth and as hard as it is, you accept it.

You have a good friend for support and a bunch of us here to listen and walk with you.

I hope I am doing as good as you are when I am 68. I'm still pissed that I'm 60.

BUT as long as I get up one more time than I am knocked down, I win.

[Hope22]

3. I see and hear you.

This is such helpful advice. When my son was young and trying to sort things out I wonder why I just didn’t lay on the floor next to him and ask what I could do? How we could make things better? Too many distractions and I needed him to be OK. I should have asked what I could do for him. Thank you for this. I hope things smooth out for you. You deserve peace. Love to you. 💗🙏

[mopinko]

4. i'm honestly pretty good.

finally getting it through my head that it wasnt my bad life decisions that put me where i ended up, but my autoimmune diseases.
i’m a tad bitter that this idea led me to end my 30 yr marriage, thinking that would make my life better. but c’est le vie. at least i can support myself. it’s not worse. i dont regret it, rly. but i do wonder if there wasnt a better way.

just caught this ted talk the other day, and it made my day-

[TigressDem]

7. OOOOOH thanks for this, Mopinko!

I know you didn't AIM it at me, but I am stuck and this makes a lot of sense.

[mopinko]

9. i meant to post it here as an op.

brought tears to my eyes. esp w kids, the shaming is so corrosive.

[Hope22]

8. Good to hear you are getting breathing room.

I saw this TED a while back. It is an absolute gem. I actually passed it on to family members. They were surprised that I could relate to this woman. I hope everyone who reads your posts takes a few minutes to hear her story!

[Anon-C]

10. Fuck the Shamers and no I don't mean that literally.

Hang in there. Care for yourself!

[mopinko]

13. i am doing well w that.

i almost have a morning routine these days, and having a pup to train means my days have a structure whether i like it or not.
it helps. i start my day w the same album every day, and walk around saying- ok, me 1st. what do i need to do for me. some days i even manage a little yoga.

and honestly, it would be nice to fuck someone. lol. not 1 of them, tho. i actually did that this yr, and do not rec.

[Ziggysmom]

15. Your words touched me a lot today. Been feeling low as my husbands health declines; the

COPD has taken over both our lives now as he cannot do much anymore.
Anyway, I was awake last night thinking of how awful it is that I'm an only child, have just one grown daughter and no other close family. Was wishing I had some more family and feeling all alone and shedding a few tears.

Your story shows that just because you have siblings and family, don't count on them being any help or support for you. I should not wish for what I don't have, and make the most of what I've got.

Friends who have struggles in common with us don't judge and truly care. The folks on this forum all know IT'S OK TO BE HUMAN!

To everyone here, I care about you, and you matter!!!!

[TigressDem]

18. Hugs back, Ziggysmom.

I am so sorry about the difficult situation with your husband. No words can heal that pain.
It hurts. It's scary and it is like losing a huge piece of yourself.

But you aren't alone.




It's easy to want what we don't have and think that would make it all better.

SOMETIMES we are telling ourselves the truth and need to follow that.

Other times it's not that simple.

I've had wonderful people all my life that have been there for me.

Course being an extrovert I went out and gathered them, but they were nice enough to love me back.

Friends who become the chosen family ARE AWESOME.

[mopinko]

20. i'm glad. this is and always has been an amazing little forum.

i posted a lot here when my kids were teens. mostly stopped cuz i had a stalker troll that was posting it in the sewer. didnt think my kids would see it, but never know.

back atcha.

[OldBaldy1701E]

21. Not sure what to say so...

[mopinko]

22. hugs is plenty.

been a while since i vented in here. that was enough.
any ole hugs r welcome.