I was always her mother.
February 20th was my birthday, I received a card and check from my family. I talk to my mother. Within a few seconds she starts going hysterical--crying and screaming about the shape of the house--dust, needs new rugs, dust again, water dripping from the faucet, dog needing haircut., etc, etc. I have posted on here about my abusive childhood, and emotional damage she has done to my family. I posted that she called my son a bastard, he is adopted. The reason she didn't visit him in Rehab--he's a doper. Slamming the phone down when I corrected her on what really happened. Letting my brother call me a pimple face whore. and beating the shit of me. And on and on. But when push comes to shove, I didn't slam the phone on her. I tried to get her back to reality by saying that I loved her over and over. Never said--you're a bad mother, like she did to me. I asked her if she is taking her pills that the doctor gave her. No. Has she gotten back to the social worker to take care of my dad for a day. No. Her biggest concern was her computer. She spends 3,000 a month gambling on line.
But then I thought back at my life, I was always the one to cook, take care of my siblings., provide her with a listening ear as ranted about my father--even sexual stuff. I have always been her emotional fool and punching bag for my family. The odd thing is I didn't hang up. I'll never break free. Yesterday my psychologist tells me, that he is retiring and I should have received a notice from the clinic . I didn't. He wants the new Doctor to remove me from all the pills I take. Next appointment--7 months.
Just wanted to say, that my mom never did wish me a Happy Birthday, after the call, I took a nap. Sixty eight years of dealing with a malignant narcissist is draining. PS I go sort of no contact except for birthdays and holidays. Thank you for letting me post this.
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Sometimes when you can’t change it, you have to let it go
Just close your eyes and look/watch for where you next thought will come from.
It will immediately calm you because you stop thinking.
I wish the very best for you. 
It all sounds so hostile and horrible.
Happy belated Birthday to you!
it's very likely that your grandmother also abused your mother. Doesn't change the fact that your mother is a difficult, abusive person, but it might help you in coping to know where it comes from.
Detachment from toxic people is a good thing. It doesn't mean totally shutting them out of your life, although that is an option. Detachment can mean minimal contact, which you have already established. Kudos for doing that.
Another part of detachment is to maintain emotional boundaries and the ability to care about her from your side of the boundary, without crossing over it into getting caught up in her emotional manipulations. Not easy to do, but possible and necessary for your own well being. You cannot control what she says and does, but you can control how you react emotionally, how you feel about what she says and does. You can train yourself to stop feeling guilt, anxiety, pain, etc. as a reaction to her. Let your thoughts and feelings go to a better place in response to her toxic space. Remind yourself of these things: "That's her life, not mine." "Sad that she's not happy, but I choose to be happy."
When not in touch with her and the negative memories and feelings about her toxicity pop into you mind, let go and say to yourself, "That's her life, not mine anymore. I choose my own path." Maybe it would help to have a peaceful, happy mental picture of something or someone that you care about that you can turn to as an alternative to negative memories and feelings. Perhaps it could be a mental picture of yourself at a happy moment in your life to reinforce that your path and choices are your own and not hers. Being unhappy yourself will not help her in any way or make her into a different person. So why shouldn't at least one of you be happy?
Hang in there and hang onto your own life and peace. You deserve it.
Happy birthday.
I can’t imagine how difficult it is to deal with and carry the damage from a mother with so many challenges. ❤️❤️❤️
And please remember that you always have family here...
Each time she calls, you should tell her if she doesn't have anything nice to say, you don't want to talk to her. It is affecting your health. It's not about love. You still love her, but you love yourself, too. Have a lovely day. Bye bye.
It takes a long time to realize that people can't abuse you unless you let them. Maybe you feel like you need to be punished for some reason. Ask yourself that question and give yourself an honest answer.
Many times you will see it is the other person projecting onto you their own faults. Then take a deep breath. It is freeing when you see the truth.
I’m really sorry about that nasty phone call. None of that was okay and none of it was your fault. Staying in relationship with a narcissist is impossible. Once you see them for what they are, you can’t unsee it.
Forgive my question…but I wonder if your mom isn’t a borderline personality in addition to a narcissist? Your description of the phone call made my chest tighten. My mother was a borderline. Probably a narcissist too but whatever. My mom died in 2009. I never severed my relationship with her but I severely limited our contact. The night I made that decision, I was 40 years old, in labor with my son and my mom showed up at the hospital bombed out of her mind. How she even drove there I don’t know. She was off the rails and made a one woman show of herself. My husband had to leave my side to deal with her and someone, I don’t even know who, drove her drunk ass home.
The next day when she and my dad came to see my infant son, she told me that she was sorry I had a boy and that Sophie, my sister’s daughter, would always be her favorite. It was that moment when I said “no more.” I did what I had to for her over the next 4 years and not one thing more. When she took her last breath I was there at her side but I wasn’t sad. I was exhausted but I didn’t shed a tear.
I believe you will find your way forward with your mom…everyone dealing with a narcissist is on a different path. These people aren’t capable of love and compassion. YOU, however have a right to surround yourself with all the love and compassion available to you. There’s tons of it here on DU.
I wish I could give you a big hug. I’m sorry your birthday was marred by someone who can’t celebrate you because you are deserving.
is very difficult to deal with. You were a saint it sounds like, but the abuse you endured is INEXCUSABLE. I hope you find some solace in support groups and a new therapist now instead of 7 fucking months from now. Mental health care in US is currently flying by the seat of its pants. So much need and so few "providers." Go on-line to support groups for abusive relationships. It's free, anonymous and you can attend meetings all over the world. Pick a city or even country.
All the best and keep us posted, OK?
And I totally understand this: "I love her not from love but fear."
That isn't love. That is only fear disguised as love.
Here's how I HOPE you can get out from under that burden and cut your ties with her for the sake of your own health.
There are only two people you owe anything to at this point: yourself and your SON. For your son's sake, you need to relieve yourself of any guilt for the no-contact with your mother (and anyone else in that family who hurts you). You are doing exactly the right thing. And maybe you should extend the no contact to birthdays and holidays.
If you haven't already, let yourself feel the full force of your anger toward her, and your grief for the loving, stable mother you didn't have. The more you allow yourself to feel your own loss, the more you will be freeing yourself up to love your son.
I hope that your own finances are in good enough shape that you don't need to maintain a relationship with a toxic mother in order to receive an inheritance. I can understand why that could be a consideration, but I hope it doesn't have to be in your case.
All best wishes, debm55.
... once by jumping out of a moving car but it's rarely been an instant improvement.
My crazy grandma could say the meanest, most horrible things imaginable. It was almost like her superpower. Eventually she had to be removed from her home, a danger to herself and others. Half of her neighbors loved her, half were terrified of her. No "assisted living" place would keep her long so she'd end up living with my parents.
One year I was home from college for Thanksgiving when my grandma turned it on, mostly directed at my mom. I fled. That was followed by the worst weekend of my life. I was sharing a crappy student apartment with a bunch of other guys who'd gone home for the holiday so I was there alone. First the Jehovah's Witnesses came by looking to save lost souls. I have a history with them. My mom was a Jehovah's Witness (no birthday celebrations) until she got kicked out when I was in grade school.
Then some young woman my good Christian roommate knew from his church (and I knew as an acquaintance) came knocking at the door drunk and filthy having vomited all over herself and I led her to the bath. She was in there too long, wasn't answering, so I forced the door and it was immediately apparent she'd been trying to kill herself. She was the first naked woman I ever touched, to see if she was still alive. I'd had some first aid training. (My own girlfriend at the time eventually married her, but that's another story... If I was a catalyst for that it was a positive thing. These days you see Lesbian brides on Say Yes to the Dress, that wasn't the case then.)
While I was still sorting all that out in my head I got in a bad car wreck. Then I was "asked" to take a time out from school for fighting with a teaching assistant...
At my lowest point I was a crazy guy living in his car in a church parking lot and dumpster diving for food. The ultimate in breaking free, I suppose.
Currently I'm "between doctors." The wait times to get proper mental health care in the U.S.A. are disturbing and not something anyone should suffer in a presumably "first world" nation.
I'm not sure where I'm going here. If you receive a box of crazy on your doorstep, from the dark closets of your own mind or from someone else, you have to deal with it as best you can, or even refuse delivery, but you can't let it knife you in the heart.
I have no idea how to accomplish that. It's always messy, but I'm still here.
Happy Birthday! 
