I feel so empty
So last Thursday I kind of hit a mental break and what I mean by that is I completely broke. After my post I just went hysterical and broke down crying and just wanted to die. The hate against people like me it's just becoming way too overbearing to handle anymore. Simply turning off the news doesn't make it go away.
My mom wanted to get me away from any weapons I can get my hands on because I do own guns and I usually probably would have done it given the state I was in but she kept me away from the safe. She called 911 because it was getting pretty bad and I ended up sitting with paramedics for a bit before they took me to the hospital. Finally was able to calm down in the ER and they asked if I would be fine with being taken for a 72 hour voluntary hold. Which I was fine with. I had a long weekend reflecting on my life and hearing horror stories about other LGBTQ people that have been in and out of that place.
I was out about Sunday evening. And here I am still alive but I am no longer to take a gun anymore for safety reasons.
But I'm lifeless. I feel no happiness or hope. I might have bought time for now before the inevitable happens. But I'm expecting no good ending anymore. I've started drinking a lot more to keep myself numb from the shitty reality that I face.
People have no clue what it is like to be trans outside of others like me. While those are distracted by trans women in sports. They laid the groundwork to make genocide a-okay because they found a wedge issue everyone could somewhat around upon. Basically giving a thumbs up for laws to erase us.
When the time comes. I'll happily erase myself before they can.
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These idiots that inflict their bullshit on the rest of us have always been with us and always will. They are like a cancer in remission that comes roaring back every few generations. So much forward motion has been made in human rights in the last sixty years or so, that keeping with the law of physics, there was bound to be an equal reactionary response.
We need warriors right now. Just like those brave women who are suing the rotten bastards in Texas who passed those anti-abortion laws, all of us have to stand up, play our part, and beat down this Fascist cancer that threatens all of us.
I fight down depression sometimes, as well. Since 1968, I’ve been involved politically and watched the both progress and deterioration right before my eyes.
But we just can’t give up. We’re at a pivotal point in history. Pick yourself up, stay active in the fight and don’t isolate yourself.
Take good care of yourself. We need you and each other.
If you're not getting therapy, please consider it.
Did docs at hospital put you on anti-depressants? If so, please be consistent with taking them. They can take a couple of weeks to work. And, while meds won't change any circumstances in your life, they can lift the fog of depression & reduce anxiety so you are able to think clearly, function, & begin enjoying your life again.
I know at one time, you talked about you & mom moving out of that red hellhole. Are you still considering that as a possibility? If not, maybe this is a good time to reconsider doing so. To a much more lgbtq-friendly place. MI just passed a bunch of Dem backed laws & Chicago is lgbtq friendly. They have a great Pride parade in June each year. There are many lgbtq recreational sports teams you could join, there is an lgbtq band you could be involved with. People travel from all over to get to take part in Pride there & just be with others of like mind & lifestyle.
And I'm sure there are other places you could move where you would fit in better & be happy!
One thing is certain, V: if you end your life, you will not have an opportunity to be happy.
We value you, V. I can only begin to imagine how horrid it is for you to live in that red helhole, but I can definitely imagine you living in a beautiful Blue bubble, a life filled with friends & laughter & joy!
Never heard it before. Truly words to live by. Thanks for sharing!
I think we’re neighbors (sort of). I’m out here in Westlake Village. Hope you’re getting through the rain ok!
Wise words. and, you are not alone. You are way more than anyone who dares to think they can attack you for being you. This desire by the right to force their insanity on everyone else is not working despite the illusion by the media that it does. Just keep in mind that their time is coming. Soon.
know that we are here for you. As suggested, can you move? Do you have any hobbies or interests that can you can do? Spring is coming--perhaps make plans for a garden or go for walks? You are too valuable as a person to do yourself in. Do you have a support network of friends that you can go out with? I miss your posts on the main board. I would miss you.