The three most dangerous words in any language.

[OldBaldy1701E]

"I need help."

Nothing can make a collection of human beings move faster or with more determination than when someone asks for help. And, I am not talking about help with the door. I am talking about help with life. When someone asks for help, that is the signal to abandon ship. I swear if one wanted to win a foot race of any kind, just get someone to openly and simply walk up right before the starter sounds and ask the runner for help. There are times when I wonder if the word 'help' is just a construct created by those who feel about a second of pang over constantly abandoning their humanity in the name of comfort. One thing I can say is that living where I am now, at least there is no pretense about caring. The people here won't even look me in the eye when I walk by, so there is no expectation of any empathy here. Where I am from, they will lie to your face and act like they care about you and then get really vicious behind your back. At least there you got the benefit of immediate camaraderie, even if it was usually somewhat fake. Here, they just keep on walking.

What makes this worse is when you get this treatment from those whom you thought were your friends and family. They just move off as if you let out a massive fart and it smells like dead animals. Lots of shrugs and hemming and hawing. Why stay alive when there is no hope for any aid or understanding? And, BTW, I mean help that I need, not help that you decide I need. Regardless of my issues, I am pretty sure I know better than most what I need.

Having to get my shoulder fixed again, because I slipped on the ice and damaged part of the first surgery. Love living on the fucking tundra! Of course, I can't move because I don't even own a car at this point. I have no friends here and pretty much all of the ones I have had for a long time are unable to do anything because.... I moved away from them! Brilliant!! I am down to my last nerve and my last cell of sanity. And, everyone just waves me off. I guess I will have to run naked into traffic with a flaming chair while screaming the lyrics to 'Baby Shark' before someone will take this seriously. Which just shows how fucked up our medical system is. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to drive 30 minutes to go get fitted for my SECOND brace-sling so I can get my SECOND surgery and suffer even more pain than I normally do, lose an entire summer of possibly finding something to do with what remains of my life, and NEVER being able to lose this fat ass again. EVER.

Fuck this shit. If I were not such a fucking coward I would not be here to type this.

[Walleye]

1. Ugh!I do know how you feel, I live alone and my shoulder has been messed up for a year

Seems like nobody takes my pain seriously. So I do know how you feel, I wish I could do something about it. Please just hang in there and hope against hope that things will improve. I guess I am lucky to live here in Delaware. I left when I was in my 20s and move back in my 40s, I don’t have a lot of close friends and family but I feel like I’m at home here. People are reasonable, public services are good, and the weather is moderate. I will keep a good thought for you. A fellow shoulder sufferer.

[OldBaldy1701E]

4. Thanks. (n/t)

[BlackSkimmer]

2. I can speak to the shoulder issue.

I've managed to break both of mine over a period of time, and both are bolted together, one with a bone graft.

I don't have full mobility in either, but I promise you that you can still lose weight. I walk all the time, but if you're stuck inside, use an exercise bike (got one secondhand for 25 bucks years ago).

Also, my small town has a senior center and a couple community centers which have treadmills and other exercise options.

I've belonged to a gym forever, and just found out that all this stuff is offered for free for seniors! Staying active in any way you can will do wonders for your outlook on life.

[OldBaldy1701E]

5. Until recently, I have always been active.

I used to be a land surveyor, I worked in a school, and I did deliveries... all required more walking that most people do in multiple lifetimes. It did not really help anything then and it doesn't now. What it does do is make me suffer more pain. There is not a part of my body that does. not hurt at some point during the day. Yet, all I get is hemming and hawing from the doctors. Probably because I am not rich and willing to toss money around so that I can get actual health care (which is what it takes to get it in this country). It is the damned diabetes drugs that are making my weight get bad and I do not know what to do about it other than stop eating. But, thanks to all the damned drugs I have to take, I get dizzy and weak if I don't keep eating.

I will be blunt here. I did not expect to live this long. And, I am not a fan of it. It serves no purpose. I am not a masochist, nor do I enjoy suffering from anyone, mostly from myself.

[ExWhoDoesntCare]

9. Sometimes, it's not about money

Sometimes, you have to get in their face. I've never been rich, but I get excellent health care these days because I refuse to let doctors bully me.

The magic words to get better medical care are:

"I feel like you don't take me or my health concerns seriously. Will you please listen to me, and not act like I'm a hypochondriac, or a nuisance to you?"

"I think it's time to contact my insurance company (or Medicare) for a new doctor, because you don't seem interested in treating my condition(s) or addressing my concerns."

And the nuclear option after finding a replacement doctor:

Reporting the jerk doctor to the state medical board for whatever reason you found their care unacceptable. Lawsuits don't scare them as much as complaints to the medical board, because the latter are something you can do to stick it to them at no expense to yourself, unlike a lawsuit.

The first thing you need to do when you get a new doctor and you're anywhere you can see his actual license? Get the number of the license itself. It's always on there, in case you need to teach the doc a lesson he won't forget anytime soon. I find that any doctor who keeps me waiting in an exam room where his license is hanging long enough to get the number off it will be a top candidate for a medical board complaint. Funny how that works.

Notice that I don't mention pursuing lawsuits, because that's an option for rich people who can afford the legal fees if they lose, or won't get worn down by the doctor having better lawyers who drag things out until you give up because you're almost bankrupt from lawyer's fees. I've never been rich enough to pursue that option. But I've never had to. Most of the time, I don't have to get past stage two to get them to stop jerking me around. But I have done the nuclear option on a couple of occasions, because the doctors were that awful.

[OldBaldy1701E]

10. No offense, but this is America. It is ALWAYS about money. ALWAYS.

I appreciate the suggestions. I used to be rather militant about such things, but these days I am just too far gone and tired. All I want is for this failure to be over with. I have spent my entire life being forthright and as honest as I could be. The fact that such lying, predatory behavior is considered 'acceptable business practices' tells me that the life I knew is gone (if it was ever there to begin with). When animals are elected to high office, when people are against their brother/sister solely because of a simple political disagreement, when dick waving becomes a society-forced norm rather than an exception... these all say 'the time is now' to me. One reason I was never able to succeed in life is because I am not ruthless enough, nor am I as obsessed with money as others seem to be. Those others are always seen as 'leaders of the community' because they have amassed more money than the rest. Which is taken as a sign of goodness for some insane reason. The level of sub-humanity and the lack of conscience required to amass such fortunes is dangerous and disgusting, and yet they are STILL seen as paragons. This is not for me. And, one cannot survive in such a piranha pool unless one is willing to be a piranha. I never was and I will never be that.

As someone on medical assistance, I do not believe that I can just change doctors. It is tough enough to find one within 50 miles and that doesn't hem and haw when they are asked to do more than a yearly checkup. And, complaining about them is like complaining about the police. Suddenly, you are being pulled every other day and your property is scrutinized every chance they get. In other words, it is not worth the trouble that it would bring.

[Bayard]

3. I hear you...

Some friends and family ignore you for months, then when something terrible happens, its all--why didn't you call me? Its easy for them to offer help, then when you actually need it, they don't have time.

Can you get some county, or state services? I really hope your situation improves.

[OldBaldy1701E]

7. The help I need is not available to those in my socioeconomic group.

I.e.: anyone below the top ten percentile of wealth in this country. I will not go into the tirade about county and state services because I do not need to get any more angry and disgusted nor is there enough space for me to go into it. I will just say that I have tried those avenues many, many, many times in multiple counties in multiple states. To say they were a joke is to be nice about it. Our medical profession was corrupted by greed a long time ago, and is now as predatory as any other corporate entity.

Sorry, I am just not into being consoled today. I do not wish to offend anyone, but there is little to make me feel any better today. However, I do appreciate the attempts. I really do. It is more than those sitting right here are doing.

[ExWhoDoesntCare]

6. My mother is in a similar situation

She moved to a small town, even though she's an Extrovert Extraordinaire. Now she's miserable, because she doesn't have people and amenities near that she needs around her like she needs air to breathe. Not saying that's your situation, but what you've described about the isolation sounds a lot like what she's said to me.

I know it's tough to need help and people not giving it. I've been there with the lack of support when I really needed it. As a complete introvert, I've never had much of a network to back me up. I've had to eke out solutions as best I could with the limited means I've had. And the means were never all that great. I was pure working class, all of my working life, and my husband is working class, too. Money has never been abundant for us. Our credit is no credit. It's been shot to hell after I had to quit working for health reasons. If a car breaks down, and we don't have the money to fix it, we have to scrape together the money over the months it takes to get the repair done. Fortunately, my husband's job and our necessities are walking distance from our home. We also have access to public transit. It's crappy public transit, but it can get us to those places we need to be sometimes, if necessary.

It doesn't sound like that's where you are right now, and it may be time to face a tough reality: The move isn't working out for you. Is it possible to sell and move to a place with more of what you need, without taking a brutal financial hit? You can have big city amenities without living in a big city, these days. A town of 30-100,000 can be both inexpensive and socially rewarding, depending on where you want to live.

If you can't move, then it sounds like you need some help with depression. What I've learned from my own long struggle with it:

1) Find an anti-depressant that works for you. I had to go through four of them before one not only worked, but also--and most amazingly--worked at fighting it off for good. Medication can help when dealing with some seriously overwhelming issues, like you seem to be.

2) Doing helps with fending off depression, and it doesn't matter much what the doing is, as long as it's socially, mentally or physically stimulating. Physical stimulation is not in your wheelhouse right now, but what about the other avenues?

Do you have a college nearby? Many offer free classes if you're 65 or over, and they may even waive certain fees. That can be a great way to get some social activity (you will *not* be the oldest person there), and plenty of intellectual stimulation, too. The books don't have to be expensive. DM me if you want to know more about going to college as an old. I was a late-life student recently, so I'm familiar with what the experience is like.

Is there anything social at all in the nearest community to you? A book club, or anything associated with hobbies you enjoy? A volunteer opportunity, for when you get better, physically? Or what about a new hobby that you've wanted to try but never got around to? Now is the time to start doing the prep work for it, until you're able to be more active with it.

Is your writing arm in a sling? You seem to be of a certain age. Maybe now is the time to gather up your life-story memorabilia, organize it, and start writing about your own history. It doesn't have to be published to be a worthwhile endeavor. Do it for you. Many people enjoy writing for the sheer joy of writing itself. It's also not an expensive hobby. Cheap spiral notebooks and drugstore pens will do the job. Of course, a computer works, too, but I don't know if that's how you access the internet.

Doing things like this has helped me overcome depression, and I'd had it since I was a young child. If I can overcome it, anyone can.

[OldBaldy1701E]

8. We moved here under an illusion.

An illusion created by someone else and one that we did not know about until it was way too late. The story is long and old. But, we cannot move because we cannot afford it.

I have tried to make friends around here for the past six years. They are not interested. No one around here is. I am an old actor/writer/director/singer/musician/writer/tech guy who is gay and likes to party. It appears that no one over the age of 30 is supposed to be doing this. Not that I can do much of it anymore anyway. But, I cannot find anyway to connect with anyone around my age or up because they are home owning, middle class, family type people. I am the antithesis of that lifestyle. Seems anyone not in that lifestyle and/or not younger than 30 is some kind of freak and should be shunned.

My attempt at a life failed. I had my shot. Now it is time to make room for those who can actually get things done to better life here. I have nothing else to offer because no one wants what I have to offer. Probably because it all amounted to shit. Back when I was younger, I could at least do the usual wage slavery to earn money while I was trying to create my life. Now, it has no worth or meaning and I cannot be a wage slave, so why should I linger only to suffer more? It makes no sense.

(BTW, my back is all but ruined and a good part of it is because of my writing days. Hunched over a typewriter for hours because I did not want to lose the flow of thought. As usual, it all amounted to nothing.)

Oh, I will never put another SSID or the like in my body again. I lost enough mental clarity, not to mention other abilities, thanks to those things. There is no joy in anything for me any more. It sucks, but it is not like I can just 'decide' to stop suffering from mental illness (as some very enlightened souls have told me to do in the past. "You just need to be more positive!". Gee, thanks. I will get right on that!

I do appreciate your attempts to be helpful. I really do. It is more than anyone is doing around here.

[OldBaldy1701E]

11. I want to thank everyone for being so nice to me when I am in such a state.

I appreciate it more than you all could know.