I had an odd experience today. My father died the end of September. My cousin called today to see how I am feeling. I

[debm55]

have no contact with my family since the funeral. I did send them a card--with no money as I was told last year it was Jesus' birthday not there's. Anyhow, I tallked to my cousin and I brought about when my grandmother would wash me, and my two cousins. My cousin stated that she didn;t like the fact that my grandmother would stick her finger in our vaginas and using soap and her fingernail would wash inside of us. I was shocked that my cousin remembered that , I had not prompt her at all. I felt relief as I wasn't imagining it or lying. It did happen and the urinary infections too, Were doctor;s not supposed to be reporters? When I told my about my grandmother sexually abusing the three of us , she called my grandmother peculiar. You don't know how overcome with relief I felt , but now I feel sad as it went on for awhile., and I was made to believe that I was making it up and had a mental problem. I never knew it was a problem until my counselor told me that it should not have been done to me. With all the abuse that I have written about here, I want nothing to do with my family. I have come to the conclusion that my family was and is sick and greenlighted me. May all of you have a blessed holiday . Love , debbie

[elleng]

1. Oh goodness, debbie.

[Srkdqltr]

2. Was your cousin trying to come to you for her memory? To help her?

[Aussie105]

3. Odd indeed.

Relatives contacting you just to bring up bad memories in your past.

Wife reminds me too often about the death of my son.
Yes I know, I remember, but why remind me? Coped with it long ago. I will never forget, but don't need any reminders.

Wife's mother died years ago - happened to be on my birthday.
Will I remind her on my next birthday? No. Why, what good would it do?

Debbie, your cousin needs therapy. And not bring it up for you. Does no good. Neither of you.

[choie]

4. I couldn't disagree with you more

Divulging a secret as toxic and tragic as sexual abuse - especially perpetrated by a relative - is an important step toward healing. Her cousin reached out to her because she needed to talk about the pain and trauma they shared as children. The shame that survivors feel is poisonous, and can affect one’s entire life. Talking about their experience with a fellow survivor can serve to lessen that shame.

[yellowdogintexas]

6. this cousin has probably experienced the same attitudes from her family

as Deb did. She may have also repressed it. It will be good for them to now be able to talk about it.
I wish both Deb and her cousin the healing they both deserve.

[yellowdogintexas]

7. It looks to me like the cousin is seeking confirmation that they suffered the same abuse

as Deb did. She may have also repressed it. It will be good for them to now be able to talk about it.
I wish both Deb and her cousin the healing they both deserve.

[Hekate]

5. Your cousin has given you a gift, in a sense, by affirming that you were not the only one & neither was she

It is possible that people who were not abused by relatives and/or incested do not understand how alone the victim can feel. I thought I was the only one in the world my father had molested. I was 12. Why? Why me? Why then?

It practically destroyed me later in life when he put his hands on my 3 year old little girl.

This family dynamic of secrecy and denial protects no one, and twists every other relationship.

But 10 years later (when my daughter was 13) a cousin of my father’s came forward — he had molested her then 7 year old daughter at my wedding. Then another cousin of my dad’s generation, from long before I was born. My mother went apeshit at that point — but Jesus Christ she would not divorce him.

But then, I not only knew I was not alone, I knew in my soul that he was a serial pedophile.

Yes, this was surely a difficult conversation to have with your cousin, and will reverberate. But the gift she gave was to break the silence and tell you that you were not alone — and the gift you gave in turn was to listen to her and affirm your mutual experience.

God love you, Deb. You are such a good soul.
Hekate

[debm55]

8. Thank you. I got another call from cousin yesterday. I sent her 100 in gift cards from the grocery store. But her story

changed. I haven't talked to my family since October since my sister and mother's behavior was terrible towards my dad and me at the funeral I sent a card to them--no money . Christmas Day I received a phone call from my sister. I didn't answer. I then got a message saying in a snotty tone. "we don't want to talk to you, we only wanted to wish you a Merry christmas. Now my cousin is saying I am wrong to do that to my family. She gave me life and she is my mother and deserves respect. I called the Doctor's office for two days and got no return call to set up an appointment. I sat looking at my anti-depressents, anti-anxiety and 2 sleeping pills. I called the suicide hotline and was afraid to talk as they might send someone out here to take me to the hospital. I wanted to end it . Even with taking lunesta and Trazodone, i can't sleep. I get my spinal and cervical CAT this week. My mother and sister knew and it didn't bother them to have me drive all summer and sit for a 6 and a 12 hr. procedure. and a multiples visits to her and to the doctors. Having people talk about the children they will miss and the joy they feel being posted makes me feel alone and tired. I feel very tired , Thank you for listening. Love, deb.

[Hekate]

9. Hang in there, is all I can say. Write down (for yourself) a list of what you know to be true...

…and don’t let others gaslight you or guilt you.

Meant to send this when I got it — may your new year be happy and healthy.