So, I had someone recently tell me that they did not care about me because I do not care about me.

[OldBaldy1701E]

That has made me dwell on the concept that was suggested. Namely, the idea that the capacity to care about someone being connected to whether or not that person cares about themselves. (Or at least the person offering said caring's perception of whether or not the recipient cares at least. The recipient may not care about themselves, but will pretend to care to placate the person offering concern and care. This is dishonest, of course, and is not what I was doing in any event. I have always been upfront about my own self-worth and how I see it.) I have given this a lot of thought and I cannot say that I put such restrictions on whether or not I would care about a person. So, I wanted to open this one up to the room.

What do you lot think about this concept? Is your caring contingent on the other's capacity to self-care? Do you place such restrictions on your level of caring? Does doing so mean that you would not care about a fellow human being because they don't meet your criteria for caring and would therefore be not 'worthy' of your concern? Now, I am not talking about those who put forth effort into another just to have that person continue to fall and fail and finally saying that they cannot help any more. To say such a thing in the context of trying over and over to help that person and not getting anywhere is one thing. I am talking about just simple concern for a fellow human being restricted by that human's level of self-concern. As 'Linda Richmond' from SNL would say, "Talk amongst yourselves."

[niyad]

1. Speaking from a purely personal standpoint, I have cared for people who

did not care for themselves because they did not think they were worthy of someone caring about them. In some cases, they believed they were not worthy because that was the message they had gotten their whole lives. Sometimes people need that hand, or shoulder, or whatever. But then, I don't see people in transactional terms, just purely human ones.

I don't know if this answers your question or not.

[OldBaldy1701E]

8. It does. Thank you. (n/t)

[Ocelot II]

2. I would certainly care about someone who didn't care for himself,

because that person probably is suffering so much that he has given up on himself. And maybe knowing that someone else cares might, I hope, give the person some reason to believe he's worthy of being cared about.

[OldBaldy1701E]

9. That is kind of how I see it as well. (n/t)

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

3. That statement makes no sense.

First off, how exactly did they know you did not care about yourself?

Oh, really?

But my caring about somebody is totally personal: I care about them because I care about them. Maybe they're related to me, maybe they're a friend. Whatever. If I choose to care about them, then I care about them.

The self-caring thing makes zero sense. Tell your friend to go pound sand.

[OldBaldy1701E]

10. I think it is because of our discussions over time.

It may have been obvious to that person. Or, they may have just had a lucky guess. I can certainly see this person deciding not to be further involved with me because of that reason. Some people don't like to be around negativity at all, and a professional cynic like myself can be very negative at times. I mean, I did once sit with a friend to discuss why I wanted to end things and after an hour he told me he would set out his gun so I could just take it and sneak off to the woods. He had wanted to talk me out of it. I am not proud of it, but I did warn him how inconsolable I can be at times. I did decide not to go ahead with it. Mainly because I just did not want to make trouble for him. No one deserves to be involved with something like that when they had nothing to do with any part of why I was so depressed anyway, and was trying to help.

[Marcus IM]

4. Good thing that good doctors don't operate on that principle.

I've had patients who have clearly not cared about their health.

Once the true value of their health is seen, many change. Some don't.

Part of caring for others is caring for oneself, and conversely, caring about others is caring for oneself. For some, this is hard.

[OldBaldy1701E]

11. Hmm...

So you are saying that one cannot care about others (and mean it if I am reading this right) if one does not care about themselves? I am not so sure about that. I know care deeply about my husband and love him completely, but neither word really applies to how I see myself. As to not caring about one's health... well, I know that one. I am suffering from being stupid about that every day. But, when one sees nothing but darkness, why worry about being healthy? Both issues feed on each other.

And, it sucks.

Thanks for the reply. I enjoy discussing things like this, as it helps me figure out just what is real in my head and what is just instability and gods know what else. I really should start looking into testing for Alzheimers and Parkinsons.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

5. That someone is making an excuse for their lower levels of empathy. . . . nt

[OldBaldy1701E]

12. This person is like me in that they too suffer from mental issues.

I suppose sometimes empathy is hard for this person. I am certainly not a saint, but I don't ever mean to not show empathy to others. But, we are also human.

Gracias por la respuesta. I am always glad to hear from others when I have questions that do not have 'yes' or 'no' answers.

[MaryMagdaline]

6. I have cared for people who don't care for themselves.

However I totally understand the desire to self-protect. If you care for someone who continues to self-destruct, it’s tempting to pull away so that you do not experience the painful downfall of that person. Unfortunately, I have done that. I haven’t stuck with the person so that I can save myself from pain.

[OldBaldy1701E]

13. I certainly don't take issue with that.

One has to save oneself first and foremost if the other person is just too toxic. To be honest, that is one of my big fears... that I will just devolve into someone so toxic that even my husband will not want to be around me.

Thanks for the reply. It all helps.

[XanaDUer2]

7. IMO, thats a weird thing

I've cared for people with low self esteem. Maybe they've had trauma or abuse. I don't understand what this person would mean.

[OldBaldy1701E]

14. See that was my thought as well.

I think they just decided that they had had enough of me. Which is fine. Like many things in life, I am not for everyone. I doubt anyone is. I don't fault this person for deciding to stop communicating with me. I just found it odd that this person seemed to indicate that since I did not care, no one would. And, that any 'external caring' must be earned by a level of 'self caring'. But, it is certainly not the first time that I found an aspect of our modern society that was befuddling.

[XanaDUer2]

15. People are weird

Sounds like watered-down psychobabble. Please feel free to always reach out here.

What was that old book? I'm okay, you're okay?

[limbicnuminousity]

16. There's a difference between

A) having low self-esteem
B) experiencing clinical depression to the point of being incapable of properly caring for oneself
C) using low self-esteem as an excuse to avoid responsibility for oneself.

I'm using "low self-esteem" as a catch-all for mental health issues and conditions, but you get the point. Does that help?

[Blue Dawn]

17. I tend to care even more about....

Last edited Sun Feb 11, 2024, 03:13 PM - Edit history (1)

....those who find it difficult to care for themselves.

I am a very empathic person, so it comes naturally for me to care about others. My husband lacks empathy and has a hard time caring about others, but he is not an unkind person. It just isn't a natural part of his personality.

I can't imagine not caring about others, especially those people who grew up in an abusive household, as I did. My sister and I have talked often about how we have struggled all our lives to value ourselves. We understand where that difficulty comes from: our cruel parents' mistreatment. However, growing up in terror and emotional pain caused both of us to become even more loving. We care deeply for people whose lives were negatively impacted by child abuse and who as a result may not have very good self-esteem.

I guess it is difficult for me to understand the person who told you they couldn't care for you because you didn't care for yourself. I'm sure that I would care for you a lot!! And I do care!

A very thought-provoking thread with interesting posts. Thank you for sharing this.



(Edited to add a word I forgot.)

[OldBaldy1701E]

18. And, thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. (n/t)

[Blue Dawn]

19. You are most welcome.