My birthday was the Feb 20. I am now 69.I got a card from my family with a check.So I called to thank them. What I

[debm55]

say in a previous post about the funeral was putting a heart card in my dads coffin with "I love you Dad" on it . after my mother and sister laughed at me and said I was hallucinating. about my and my dads physical features to a captured audience of relatives ; I told them they were both in rage . My sister answered the phone. My mother didn;t want to get on the phone to wish me a Happy Birthday. I told my sister that I have a lump on my spine. .The phone was on speaker so my mother heard. On March 8th I have to get the three MRI done ,plus another. My sister's comment was "I guess I will have to get a taxis to take me the Magee Women's Hospital" I didn't answer. I guess she will. My back and l legs started hurting in May of last year I spent 6 hours during one procedure and 16 hours for the operation. I sent her flowers and cards Our summer was carting them in and out of the county. and to be there at a minutes notice. I have now reread the post of mother's and sister's attention seeking at the funeral. For my own health I need to step away from the cruelty and .toxicity that has always surrounded me. I was broken when my own mother would not give her first born child a wish of a happy birthday.

[niyad]

1. Hugggggggs. Let them stew in their own toxicity and hatred. You are a

kind and caring person, and you do NOT need to inject the poison of dealing with them. Your DU family is here for you. Lean as hard as you need.

[debm55]

4. I had an appointment with my therapist.on Thursday. He said they were evil. I was sexual abused by my mother's mom

Saturday while given a bath. My cousin finally verified this as she was in the tub with me. When I finally told my mother all she said was my grandmother was peculiar. Niyad. why doesn't my mother feel any love for me? what did I do wrong. What is there about me that makes her hate me? For 69 years I was an unwanted /unloved child. My therapist says she is toxic.That it's not me..

[3Hotdogs]

11. What did you do wrong?

Nothing.

Some people are just fucked up. My mother was one of 9 children and my grandmother was overworked, overwrought and just plain fucked up.

Then we go to why my grandmother was fucked up. Her mother was killed when she fell into an abandoned mine and died of her injuries, three days later. So my grandmother was an orphan at an early age.



So then we go to my mother, Somehow, she overcame the effects of the shit she experienced and carried with her. I was lucky to have two of the best parents I could have wished for. We were among the poorest people in town. I didn't get the pony, or the new bike or whatever. But I was loved. They cared.

So that brings us to you. Give up on your family and work to make life as pleasant for others as you can. As a line in a bluegrass album I have goes, "I'd rather stay by the side of the road and help some pilgrim along life's way."

[niyad]

16. Everything you said!

[niyad]

17. One thing you need to understand is that some people are, for whatever

reasons, incapable of feeling love, or caring, or empathy. Are they wired wrong? Was ut abused out of them? Some chemical imbalance? We do not yet know. But this we DO know. We avoid those people like the plague. It has nothing to do with us, we are not
responsible for their state of being, nor can we fix it. We surround ourselves with thise who love us, with the people and things that fill us up, that make us happy. Everyone else can go to hell.

[limbicnuminousity]

23. Have you looked into re-parenting?

Pete Walker's C-PTSD book might be of interest to you.

I hesitate to suggest this but have you considered the possibility that your grandmother may have similarly abused your mother? That might explain her inability to be a mother to you. Even if true that wouldn't excuse the way she's treated you. But maybe that can help you find some peace with the estrangement. You're not the problem. You are, in fact, pretty cool. If your mother doesn't get that it's her loss.

[spooky3]

2. I'm so sorry, debm55. Nt

[Kath2]

3. You seem level and very cool.

Don't be poisoned by relatives. They can be very toxic. Be yourself and be free of them. DU is always a keypad away and there are a lot of cool and supportive persons here. Peace!

[debm55]

8. Thank you Kath2. My husband made me a craft room for my birthday. He was in pre med at Cornel Medical school, He drove

my mother and sister to the post op visits. It was a polyp. No radiation,etc. just a follow up every 6months. But at the funeral she told everyone that she had cancer.

[SWBTATTReg]

13. How nice, a craft room for your Bday! Gosh, I've always wanted such a room for something like this. What a

start to having some advantages of doing some fantastic crafts, all hand done, by you.

Happy Birthday! (I know it's a little late, but still, this is a nice occasion to celebrate, as well as finding out that it was just a polyp, so no chem. therapy, no radiation, just follow-ups.). Like others have said on DU, you are a source of inspiration to us all here on DU.

[MN2theMax]

5. You are a good person

I can tell from your posts. You deserve better than you are getting from your family. They are broken. Happy belated birthday to you! Here you are appreciated and loved.

[debm55]

6. TY MN2thMax.

[CousinIT]

7. You need people around you who care for you as much as you care for others.

And as much as they expect you to care for them. (and not act like you're a pain in the ass when you need help)

My MAGA family usually forgets my birthday. Only my mother ever sent me money and she died in 2022. I'm the only Democrat so I know they hate me and always expected me (who has less money than all the rest of them) to do for them but that is never reciprocated. Sometimes they don't bother hiding it, esp the nephew. He's a mean little prick of the highest order.

I do have a family friend who always sends me a card. She is like a sister and is wonderful. We talk about how horrible they and the rest of the MAGAts are. I need more of that kind of friend in my life - we all do!

So..you're not alone in having a shitty family!

Happy Belated Birthday! And I hope the MRIs go well and the spine issue is something that can be treated so that you can live normally and don't need anything from the Toxicity Team - those emotional vampires. Wish you the best so you can stay away from them!

[calimary]

21. What a great post, CousinIT! The "Toxicity Team". That's a good way to describe it.

And debm55, I can remember years ago, when someone told me that “family” can be whatever you define it to be. It doesn’t have to be by bloodlines. Mine isn’t. I’m adopted (from infancy). And I really never felt totally, truly, intimately connected, for many reasons, til I finally built my own.

“Family” is whatever YOU say it is - for YOU. You have one here, for example, where people care about YOU - even “once removed” like it is in this DU construct.

We care. We’re a sounding board. And we’re here whenever you need that.

[Deuxcents]

9. First and foremost..Love yourself. You cannot change other people, even family.

Today is my birthday. So, my February Friend, I’m sending you ((hugs)) and sending with them, a big batch of self confidence, dignity, kindness and enthusiasm for your birthday. Don’t overthink your issues and don’t be shy with your assertiveness when you expect respect. You are not a whipping post so don’t be one. People who bully are cowards so stand tall and proud of the beautiful person you are. This is your time to shine ☀️

[niyad]

15. Wishing you a very Happy Birthday, and a wonderful coming year.

What a lovely post to Deb.

[debm55]

18. Happy Birthday. Deuxcents. Wishing you love

[calimary]

22. Happy Birthday, Deuxcents!

Thank you for your wisdom and perspective! We all need it by the truckload.

[Aussie105]

10. Toxic people in your life . . . who needs them?

Keep away if you can, if you can't, seek help.
And speak out your feelings when you can . . . tell mother you are disappointed in her not wishing you happy birthday.

No toxicity in my side of the family, but my wife . . . she is 80, and still relates stories about her mother who mistreated her as a child.

Wife's mother died years ago, but the hurt lingers on.

Little I can do other than listen.

Good luck keeping your mind on the level.

[moonbeam23]

12. Wishing you emotional and physical healing.

You are strong. Someday this will all be a bad dream. Blessings to you and yours!

[KarenS]

14. debm55, if you are into self-help type books,,,,

there's one titled "Toxic Parents" by Dr Susan Forward. It's an older book but,,,,,
you can even buy a kindle version.

Sending ((hugs)) and healing to you.

[debm55]

19. I heard of the book, but never read it. I thought I Could change them on my own. The day I was told that I was not able

to have any children at 32, I called my mother and wanted to have some loving words as my husband was out of town. She told me"What do you want me to do about it" I got drunk. and cried.

[MOMFUDSKI]

20. Stop engaging them. Stay away and off the

phone. Thank them for the cards via the mail.