I *think* this is the forum for this discussion - if not, suggest where I ought to post it.

[Not Heidi]

I'm 61. Up until about a year ago, I enjoyed my retirement. My wife, 72, has always been in decent health. That changed about two years ago. She has become infirm. She has fallen several times. We've called the paramedics six times in the last year because we can't lift her. The worst is when we can't get her off the toilet. (Sorry for bringing that up.) Before he knows the extent of Kathy's needs, the leader of the paramedics crew always greets me with, "How's Kathy doing? What do we need?"

On four occasions they've taken her to the hospital. On three of those occasions, she was kept at the hospital overnight, suffering from dehydration. On the fourth occasion, they kept her for three days. Again she was dehydrated severely, and had a frightful UTI. The doctor told me and my sister that those two things explained her loss of control of her limbs, her speaking gibberish, and other problems that manifested themselves.

My sister and I have begun to call around to try to find visiting nurse organizations and other services. I have yet to call our medical insurance to learn if they have such a program, and if so, what the cost would be.

The point of this post: to try to expunge some of my anxiety. I used my whole session with my therapist yesterday to talk about this horrible anxiety. She had a good deal of insight, and as she explained it, I scribbled as fast as I could in my journal. She's wonderful. (If anyone in coastal Southern California needs a therapist, send me a message.)

Do you have any experience with such a situation, either as a spouse/partner, a doctor, or a visiting medical professional? I'd appreciate any insight you can share.

Thank you.

PS I've posted this in mental health because I am bipolar, have ADHD, have extreme anxiety, and other problems. Ooh, so much fun being me. I know that many of you understand.

[MLAA]

1. I can only help on the dehydration problem.

I care for my wonderful 89 year old husband. After a trip to the ER for what turned out to be influenza, I was told he was dehydrated. Since that time, I keep track on a small piece of paper the number of ounces he drinks each day. Also switched him to decaf coffee. I don’t measure each serving, but I have marked his favorite tumblers so I know each time I fill it with decaf ice tea, water or 7up I know how much he drank. I know his coffee cup holds 12 ounces also.

So with little effort I can have a quick idea of how he is doing each day. He doesn’t get thirsty enough to crave more fluids, so I just bring him drinks all through the day. Dr said go for 80 oz a day. I am satisfied when I get him between 55-60. But it takes me pushing it. I don’t ask if he wants anything I just bring it to him. Some foods have high water/liquid content like watermelon, soups, even the non dairy puddings and soups I get him count. A side benefit is that I realized I was not drinking enough either and have upped my game which has helped my digestive system.

Sending you good vibes!

[Not Heidi]

4. Thank you.

This is a big "I should've thought of that" moment.

My wife drinks 2-4 sugar-free Gatorade, 12 oz bottles per day, and maybe 1-3 cans of Diet Coke or Caffeine-Free Diet Coke per day. She drinks water but only when she's thirsty and has nothing else to hand. I will take your example and begin to track her water intake.

Thank you so much, MLAA. You're good to me to offer your advice.

[Lonestarblue]

11. Drinking enough water is so important.

I’m rarely noticeably thirsty, but I have a 20 oz. water container near all day. My goal is to drink at least three of them, which is surprisingly easy if you drink throughout the day and at meals. Best luck to you all.

[MLAA]

16. Agree hitting 60 is good and all or mostly water ideal.

I’m trying to push more water 🙂

[XanaDUer2]

2. I understand

I'm not yet dealing with falling other than him getting drunk and hitting the floor. Was informed I'm not to call 911 or else I'll pay for it

I'm so sorry you're all going through this, and that your stress level is so high. Good luck with visiting nurse.

Best wishes

[Not Heidi]

5. Thank you, XanaDUer2

Re 911: Where I live (Fountain Valley, CA), they have a program for which I'm extremely grateful: $60 per year pays for paramedic calls. I wish you had the same thing.

So: do you toss a blanket over him and let him sleep on the floor?

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

[XanaDUer2]

6. He

Grabs onto the bed to life himself up. He's 72. He's an addict. EMT I thought was paid by my taxes. I'm not sure when he's talking about. Might be scared I'll change the locks of he's carted out.

He fell in the tub and got stuck bs he's so big. I told him I'm not lifting him. He finally got himself out

[Not Heidi]

8. Yipes!

You're capable of lifting him? You've impressed me!

[XanaDUer2]

10. No I refused

I informed him if he can't get out himself I'm calling 911 like it or not

[calimary]

3. Hey, friend, I just saw this. Thank you for weighing in.

My husband and I are no longer young, and I gotta tell ya, NOT A DAY goes by that I don’t think about the problems and complications that could lie ahead as we age. Not a DAY.

Thanks so much for your post, Not Heidi. I’m glad you submitted it here. We have the blessing of anonymity for protection if we need it, but some of us have reached out and connected and made more personal friends. But we’re ALL “fellow travelers” here anyway.

I hope you keep posting, and let us know how you are, and where YOUR journey is taking YOU. I swear, I learn something new every day, here. Please don’t give up and drop out because you think it’s not worth it or that no one really cares. Cuz you’d be inaccurate.

Seems to me, even just talking about it or writing about it in a place like this can only be of at least some help. Confessionals can be VERY therapeutic! BESIDES::: there are so many different people and journeys and experience and expertise here. I’d bet there are people here who’d read this and THEY’D start getting ideas for ways to help, especially those already dealing with a loved one with special needs. Or maybe they’ve already had hands-on experience. Sooner or later, we’re all gonna confront at least a little bit of this evolution, since none of us is getting any younger!

At the VERY least, please check in here and let us know how you’re doing. Just talking, writing, and sharing can be BIG help. And a service. Cuz you never know who’ll read this who’s been a lurker for awhile, or who has a loved one suddenly in trouble or needing comfort or help, healthwise, and it just seems overwhelming. We can help each other just by being here, and listening. Or knowing it’s there if needed.

[Not Heidi]

7. "We can help each other just by being here, and listening."

That's so true, calimary. I'll do my best to hang around. I need help with this woman.

So far today she's rung her bell six times. Help going to the bathroom. Thirsty - wants more Gatorade. Bring me a quesadilla. Yes, she's short like that. Rather demanding and not very grateful. Doesn't say please or thank you very often. But I keep my feelings to myself, except when I talk to my sisters or my therapist.

I'm grateful for all you wrote. I'm sorry I'm not up to answering each paragraph. I like what you said about sometimes people become friends IRL.

I'll be around. I'll have to write post-its and put them in my journal to remind me to come to DU.

[XanaDUer2]

12. You're in the right place

Ppl here are angels of support

[calimary]

14. I hope you DO stick around.

Cuz otherwise we’re gonna worry!

Sometimes it helps to keep a journal. I’m a writer, so I do at least a little every day (or night). There might be times when you look back over some of the pages and there might be a “holy SHIT!” in there! Maybe you’ll look back and realize that was one problem that has actually faded away. Either way, there’ll be wisdom in there.

And I KNOW, FOR CERTAIN, that this WILL be helpful. Either to you - cuz it’ll help you figure out what the issue is, since sometimes it really makes a difference or gets clarified just by seeing it on paper - OR to someone else here who stumbles on it and either gains perspective or consolation that they’re NOT alone, NOT making it up, NOT making an unnecessary big deal out CB of it, or recognizes it because somebody they care about seems to be going through the same thing.

Sometimes JUST KNOWING is enough. And writing it down somewhere (like here) can help detach it from you at least a little bit. It might allow you to look at it more dispassionately or objectively.

NOT doing anything about it is the wrong way to go. Some of this stuff is stuff you should not be ignoring. There’s a line from AA that basically says “first you have to admit you’ve got a problem.” In your case, maybe it’s “first you have to admit you’ve got a confusion”, (or an issue).

And you also have to do one other thing (oh crap, it’s more like A FEW THINGS!):
Love, forgive, and be patient with yourself.
Don’t expect or demand answers, instant or bit-by-bit.
Be gentle with yourself. Isn’t the “problem/issue” enough already, without you piling on, expecting the perfect behavior or response from yourself when you really should remember that you’re only human. Don’t expect to be Superman. Remember, our most recent Superman, Christopher Reeve, spent the last nine years of his life confined to a wheelchair after falling off a horse in the worst possible way.
Be gentle and forgiving. Hold yourself carefully in the palm of your hand. And if you’re lucky enough to have friends and extended family (or “family”), luxuriate in that, and run to it when you need it, cuz it’s a true gift.

And, you can ALWAYS come here to talk, commiserate, or seek support. Our beloved DUer Skittles once put it best: “Someone’s always here.” And I certainly have certainly found that to be true!
Especially since DU is a site spanning many time zones by now!

Let us know how you’re doing. Keep the connection. AND know it’s always there.

[Lonestarblue]

9. Amen to this!

[Clouds Passing]

13. ...

[LoisB]

15. I'm sorry to hear this. Has your wife had her hearing examined? I know that sometimes hearing loss can lead

to balance issues.

[Not Heidi]

23. Thank you, LoisB.

She sees a neurologist for her balance and gait problems. Well, she would, but she has to make the blasted appointment. I remind her every day to make the appointment, but she gets irritated and snipes, "I will!"

Also, her neurologist would probably refer her to an audiologist.

[LoisB]

24. I sure hope she makes her appointment. Falling is no joke.

[in2herbs]

17. Have you tried a 21-inch toilet? It's ADA compliant. Also, nursing home studies prove that some level of the dementia

of the residents is caused by dehydration and disappeared when they were properly hydrated with water. I would caution about drinking that much G-Ade every day - too hard on the kidneys. There are flavored waters that don't contain potassium.

[Not Heidi]

22. Hi, in2herbs,

How are the 21 inches measured? I can't imagine it.

Thank you for the tip about Gatorade. Question: the Gatorade she drinks is sugar-free. Does this make any difference as to hydration? I do realize that water is much better. But she resists it each time I encourage her to reach for her water bottle.

Thank you for your advice and comments.

[in2herbs]

25. Hi there, the 21 inches is measured from floor to top of toilet rim -- not the toilet seat. Yes, it is tall but if

you are in a wheelchair the height allows for "sliding" on and off the toilet. That's why its ADA approved. If using a walker the "lift" back up to the walker will be less strenuous. If not wheelchair bound presently but find it too high, I suggest purchasing a step stool to use as a foot rest when sitting on the toilet. The one I have is 19x20x4 inches. If the person is short an 18 inch toilet would work.
There is great debate about sugar in Gatorade or any e-lyte drink. Some people register their objection because sugar can cause candida, exacerbate diabetes, etc. Sugar is added to help the e-lytes bind and be absorbed in the body. Some form of sugar is required for the brain to work! Without sugar we die. Sugar substitutes are not good. Too much of an e-lyte can disrupt the potassium level and that's a bad condition.
If doable, try a Manuka honey mixed in hot water to dissolve and then ice added to cool. The 18 and higher numbered Manuka honeys have better antibacterial properties. If necessary the drink can be strong on the honey at the beginning and then the honey can be tapered off to an acceptable flavor to drink as water.

[OldBaldy1701E]

19. It is and we do.

[XanaDUer2]

20. How are you doing? Nt

[Not Heidi]

21. Oh, just peachy, sweetie.

A car horn very near us just went off. It was very loud, and I thought it might have been my car. Since there's no reason for my car to be towed, I looked outside to the driveway. It wasn't my car's alarm.

As soon as I got back into the house, Kathy yelled from the bedroom: "I thought they towed our car again." We've never had it towed.

She's been much better in the last two days. Today, the third day, is the first time since beginning to recover that she's come up with something that's not from reality.

Her being sick in these ways have caused me great anxiety. However,
I've done well since I saw my therapist last week. Keri* taught me how to keep in control without having an anxiety attack. Hearing Kathy ask if the car's been towed "again" could've set off the anxiety. It didn't.

It's nice to be able to stay cool. All I can really do for Kathy is to see that she stays hydrated. Poor hydration was one of the causes of her being in hospital for three days in March. (The other was a severe UTI.)

Please keep me in your thoughts - and keep a thought that'll remind me that I have a low dose of Ativan in the medicine cabinet.

* Keri is my therapist.

[applegrove]

26. I know in Canada we have free health care aides who come in

in the morning and night to dress or bathe. The reason is it costs the government way more to have seniors living in nursing care facilities than it does to keep people at home and help them a bit. Maybe there is a like program in California.

Also if your wife is going to need a nursing home in the future keep a diary of the ambulance calls. That may bump your wife's priority on a wait list to a nursing home. Ambulance cost the government a lot.

Also there are companies who can put grab bars and poles at strategic places. A bath chair too. A commode. If your wife had a pole to grab onto would she be able to get up from the toilet?

I found I was more catastrophizing than one of our healthcare aides showed up at my parent's hotel (the whole senior's care residence was evacuated due to a fire in a hardware store almost next door - the city evacuated their building because of the toxic chemicals in the hardware store burning). Anyhow I was fussing about Ihow I was going to get my parents into bed from a walker when the mattresses were really high in the hotel room, and then how were they going to get breakfast. I could see all kinds of difficult situations and the health care worker breezed into the hotel room and took over with confidence and ease. I tried to be more like her when i was with my parents.. I belly breathed more.

My sister was the one who solved problems with my parents at the senior living facility. When my mom died and my dad moved into a nursing home, all the problems were solved. I mean there was a solution for any situation that came up. Dad actually enjoyed the nursing home when he moved in. He lived there for 7 years. I had a grandmother who lived in a nursing home for 20 years.

Hope this helps.