How many of us who are prone to depression have heard this one?

[LudwigPastorius]

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

Especially, when it’s coming from a parent or friend, someone who is supposed to be supportive…

It really pisses me off. First of all, don’t you think I would will myself to feel normal if I could? And secondly, all that little bit of “advice” does is make you feel bad BECAUSE you are feeling bad.

😡

I don’t think there is anything worse to say to someone who is in the dark pit already.

[SamKnause]

1. My favorite is Get Over It.

Told to me by 2 nurses.

[LudwigPastorius]

2. Jesus...

Nice bedside manner.

[OldBaldy1701E]

9. I was told this by a nurse as well.

She was a triage nurse for over 43 years. She was one of the most experienced emergency room nurses in the state.

She was my mother.

[LudwigPastorius]

10. Interesting.

My mother was the one who dropped the "stop feeling sorry for yourself" bomb on me, and she is also a former nurse, although she was in post-op recovery.

[OldBaldy1701E]

13. I always said that it takes a level of disconnect to be effective in that job.

Doing that job certainly requires some lack of human connection or one could not get past the patient's pain in order to help them heal.

It's just that we family members usually had to pay the price for that. I mean... it dawned on me a while back that my mother had never told me that she loved me in the first person. She has said that she did in the third person, as in she would tell someone else this with me in the room, but I don't recall her ever saying it directly to me. That is an aspect of what I mean when I say that she had a certain level of disconnect with her own offspring. The fact that our positive appearance in public was more impotent than either of us being in danger (unless our being in danger made her look bad as a parent) or getting hurt was another clue. (The ole "Stop crying where people can see you!" crap. I was freaking eight.)

[LudwigPastorius]

14. The thought that being a nurse requires...

you to be inured to the pain of others had occurred to me. I don’t think you could do the job for long if you had too much empathy for the patients. But, I’m sure you’ll agree that it sucks when mom can’t turn that off and give her own kid some healthy support.

That, and the inevitable graphic dinner table conversations about orthopedic surgeries and other gruesomeness.

[OldBaldy1701E]

16. OH yes.

Nothing like hearing about head trauma while being served spaghetti.

[jmbar2]

3. It's insulting, and doesn't even make sense

If you feel sick with the flu or you are having an episode of low blood sugar, you feel bad. But you don't necessarily "feel sorry for yourself."

Most people experiencing frequent discomfort manage it with reasonable grace, not self-pity.

.

[LudwigPastorius]

11. Yes, some people still view a very real chemical imbalance in the brain as just a "weakness" of character.

To them, I say, fuck off.

[Dave Bowman]

4. Or the charming "pull yourself up by your bootstraps".

🤬

[LudwigPastorius]

12. Yep, uggh...

[canuckledragger]

5. It's the type of comment that comes from people that have no empathy.

People that spew that nonsense are commonly pretty self centered, annoyed that you're inconveniencing them somehow, or showing emotions that they themselves would rather not acknowledge TO themselves.

Gotta pretend to be a tough guy and everything.

I have friends that act like that sometimes, that come from big extended, supportive families that they can rely on...and I'm the opposite. So of course I'm going to get moody when the blood sugar's low and such, and the resulting depression stirs up old memories and difficulties they never had to face by themselves, or at all.

[gblady]

6. I think that

A lot of people who have never experienced clinical depression don't fully understand it, even tho they may want to or think they do. If they haven't experienced it, they seem to think it's like having a bad day, or going thru a rough patch, rather than being at the bottom of a murky pit that you feel unable to crawl out of. I have a couple good friends who I know try to understand, but I can tell they don't, not really. Fortunately, I haven't been in that pit for quite a while, but have spent many years there in the past.

[ShazzieB]

7. People who think they have the right to tell someone else how to feel really grind my gears.

I detest ANY kind of comment that implies we can all just decide how to feel and feel that way. Wtf, do these people think humans come with a dial that can be set to the emotion of our choice? Ordering someone to feel X instead of Y is just plain stupid, on top of being rude and insensitive, and doing that to someone who is dealing with trauma and/or whose brain chemistry is out of whack for reasons beyond their control is just plain cruel.

I don't think most people mean to be rude, insensitive, or cruel when they say things like that, but one's intentions and the effects of one's behavior on others cam be VERY different things.

Some people say things like "stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "cheer up" out of a genuine (albeit very misguided) desire to help. Others say those things because they're tired of hearing about someone else's misery and just want to make it stop.

There are also people who are deliberately inconsiderate or even cruel (and some of us unfortunately have more people like that in our lives than others). This group may do the most lasting damage, but the first two can also do a lot of damage without intending to.

I wish parents would do a better job of teaching kids how to manage their emotions, but it's a hell of a lot easier said than done, especially for those who have never learned how to manage their own emotions properly (like my parents). Too many of us never have a good model of a well-adjusted adult to follow or get our own needs met sufficiently while growing up, and we have to spend the rest of our lives figuring out these things work.

When I look back at the mistakes I've made in my life as a result of learning the wrong lessons while growing up, I can get very frustrated about all the things that went wrong because I didn't know how to handle them better. I'd be better off if I could remember to give myself credit for the lessons I've learned and the work I did to learn them, instead of resenting the fact that I had to do all that work. I suspect that's true of a lot of us.

[OldBaldy1701E]

17. "Wtf, do these people think humans come with a dial that can be set to the emotion of our choice?"

Well, you are referring to the people who usually have no emotions and therefore are empty and devoid of compassion and the ability to empathize. They have to be told how to feel. So, in a sense, they do have a 'dial'.

Most people just have not bothered to become educated about the issue and that is thanks to a bunch of ancient crap that some age groups/regions refuse to let go of. Hell, just the other day I had to endure a good friend's continued rant about chiropractors, based solely on 'I heard about this guy...', and 'I read about this girl...'. Of course, he could not provide the story he read about. He is of the generation that thought such medicine was 'quackery'. He has never bothered to find out about any aspect of it since.

(I got my neck popped on Friday. We have been working on my having a very bad crick in my neck while enduring COVID. I was unable to move it much for about a month. TWO sessions with my guy, it is almost completely gone. The feeling of release is beyond description. Just knowing I can turn my head now without pain is so amazing.)

[ShazzieB]

18. A lack of empathy can also manifest as being upbeat and cheery. All. The. Damned. Time.

And insisting that others do the same. You know, the type of person who is always telling people to smile more, look on the bright side, don't be so negative, "turn that frown upside down!" There's a term for this: toxic positivity. I hate it!

[OldBaldy1701E]

20. Me too! (n/t)

[XanaDUer2]

8. Omg

My loser sister. I should be grateful for what I have. I mean yes. She texted me the riot act Saturday when i made the mistake of texting her i was hurt by a relative. She texted me text after long text reaming me. I finally realized she's not a safe person to talk to

ETA A relative she's not related to

[Lulu KC]

15. I hate it AND

The truth is that in order to climb out of the hole, I actually DO have to DO something. It can be anything—a load of laundry, putting on a favorite article of clothing, watching a funny movie, to start to get things moving. I have to turn away from the people and things that hurt and move toward anything else.

But when someone says that? It moves me farther into the darkness because I will dwell on what they said, in, I hate to admit it—a very self-pitying way.

It’s all in the delivery.