I don't feel there is any hope that I

[LiberalLoner]

Will ever feel okay about myself or be able to crawl out from under this mountain of humiliation and shame.

I have three times the lethal dose of opioids saved up, and every day I think about that bottle and how it would mean an end to the pain.

I know all the usual answers, go to counseling, call the suicide hotline. None of that can offer me any relief, any hope of ever feeling I can hold my head up in life ever again.

I just felt like talking about what I am living with. I keep wishing the cancer would come back so I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.

[MLAA]

1. All I can offer is you are a valued member of DU and send hugs ❤️

[femmedem]

2. Oh Liberal Loner. You are one of my favorite DUers.

Not just because of the way you translate the beauty you see in the world into art, but because of your kindness and support of the rest of us.

This is one of the rare evenings when I have something planned (a dear friend's art opening) and Mr Femmedem and I are leaving fairly soon. If that weren't the case, I would message you my phone number so we could talk this evening.

I lost someone I loved dearly to suicide over thirty years ago. I've also known people who were as depressed as you are, who had to be hospitalized, and who, years later, see it all as a distant dream. The hopelessness itself is a symptom, not reality. Hang onto that, please. And we can talk tomorrow if you want someone to talk to. Let me know, and I'll send you my number. I won't give advice. I'll just listen.

[bucolic_frolic]

3. Based on what you told us, i think you need to feel some control

over some aspect of your life. I suggest a walk in the afternoon, even down the block or driveway, and some fresh air. Then to prepare some food that you like. The feelings you have are clouding hourly reality, but the feeling are from the past in some way.

[rainy]

4. I'm so sorry you are here in your life. I have no answers to remedy you pain except to say that I care that

you are here and I hope you find a way to soothe yourself.

[Frasier Balzov]

5. You've got the blues.

Think of living as a job.

The humiliation and shame you feel are the raw material for a process which it's your obligation to perform.

Nobody else can perform this duty.

Your job is to absorb it, dissipate it, and transform it into harmless quiet and marginal positivity.

All of existence everywhere is counting on you to do your part.

[BoomaofBandM]

6. You have a lot of friends here. You are not alone.

People here care about you and are willing to help.

[onecaliberal]

7. Hugs.

[irisblue]

8. Please stay with us

[Clouds Passing]

9. Shame is an overwhelming feeling to have.

Add humiliation to that and I understand why you feel so hopeless and down. The self-blame kicks in and that makes it hard to want to keep going on. Then we feel like no one likes us or worse everyone hates us; it’s a horrible cycle to be stuck in. I know, I’ve been there too. Some days are good, some days are sad.

Talk it out, that’s cathartic. People care about you (I know that’s hard to accept). Trauma takes a lot of inner work to heal. Even if we don’t feel okay about ourselves every moment of the day, we can work towards feeling okay more often than feeling not okay. Please feel free to pm me. Stay with us.

“Don't judge yourself so harsh my love or someday you may find your soul endangered”
Neil Young, Natural Beauty on Harvest Moon

[XanaDUer2]

10. You have friends here

Don't go

[Stargleamer]

11. I hope you can find solace knowing that you were born into a very harsh world

one in which such harshness results in many people coming to feel bad about themselves as we grope in the dark, often stumbling, as we try to find ways to improve our lives. We make mistakes, often fuck things up, but we are not to blame for the way the world is, for the lack of experiences in our lives that would have blessed us with the knowledge/insight to enable us to be more closer to who we want to be. And often the harm we experience becomes internalized making our lives even harder. Please practice self-compassion now and affirm the goodness inside of you that brought you to DU.

Hugs to you from stargleamer.

[LiberalLoner]

12. Thank you all so very much for your kindness and compassion. Some days are a real struggle. 💙💙💙

[OldBaldy1701E]

13. I am the last person to be offering anything about hope.

Since I lost any such thing a long time ago.

But, people here are glad you are here. That should account for something.