I am trying to hang on here

[BlueKota]

and am not suicidal. Will wait until natural causes kick in.

I will admit though when an ambulance, sherrif's car, and a critical care team, unit, went by my house earlier, my first thought was if someone is dying they are a lucky bastard, because they won't have to see the horror show to come.

Oddly enough I am most mad at my late Mother. Due to doctor error I had a near death experience in 2007. For once I felt completely at peace, totally loved, and had a strong sensation of going home. Then I heard her calling to me begging me not to leave her. I was resuscitated. She died a year later.

Part of me thinks damn it, I had a chance at something amazing, but I gave it up to do the right thing for her, and now I get stuck behind in a nightmare world run by the f..king anti christ.

I know it's irrational and I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't seem to help it.

[FirstLight]

1. I get it,

I'm not in exactly the same place, but close. If I lose health Care, I'm done.. and I won't wait for natural causes because the pain that will afflict me won't be too much.

I emailed my school advisor this morning and said what's the point? I had all these plans, even at 55 I was going to try to have a good rest of my life. Now, the only thing I can think of is staying alive long enough to make sure that my trans child is safe. But they are in North Carolina and I'm all the way here in California and I just had a huge domestic violence blow up that left me reeling in trauma. So I'm just not in a good place either right now. I've got a migraine from crying all day yesterday and today my trauma caught up to me yesterday and then the election hit...

I want to go outside and try to ground and be in nature but it's too damn cold. 37°. So, I took a Valium and I'm laying back down to cuddle with my cats. I give up. Maybe tomorrow I'll rally, maybe not, at this point I really don't know

[BlueKota]

3. I am sending hugs across the miles to you and your child!.

I am sorry for all you are going through. I am glad you have your cats. Hopefully someone will have the answers to how to help us get through this.

[XanaDUer2]

2. I often think

I'm not treating if i get cancer. I'm getting headaches thanks to 32k dental work and a careless jaw shove. I'm 59 and my life went to shit. I had all sorts of plans. Now i just want to be gone. I told my dr all yur problems end when you're dead.

[BlueKota]

4. I am sorry about your headaches and dental issues.

I told my therapist I don't want to die because of my sister, dog, and cat, but I am so tired of having to live in a world where people thinks it's okay to hate people just for being born a different race, gender, or because they have different beliefs.

[XanaDUer2]

5. Thank you

Honestly if i knew Id b reunited w my mother and it would be nice Id kill myself.

[FirstLight]

6. Yeah I was hoping I had a few more good years left in me

Now all I see is desolation and Ash. I always said if the Apocalypse or zombies came I would just curl up in the fetal position and die because I just don't have the stamina fight back. I feel that way now

[XanaDUer2]

7. I'm pretty done

I don't even get health screenings anymore. I could have bc and don't care i spent a fortune too fix my jaw and I'm sorry i did that. Wish i had the balls to just end it

[BlueKota]

8. My Mom always said

she hoped there was life on another planet and if there was she hoped they would come and take her there. I used to laugh at her and call her crazy but now I get how she felt.

[hunter]

9. If anyone can mess us up deeply it's our moms.

My mom left this plane of existence in a full Berserker rage.

Just like her mom, and her grandmas before her.

Nobody was safe.

She rides with the Valkyries now, I'm certain.

(Not the Nazi wannabee version.)

Forgiveness is an essential part of my existence.