I now feel no purpose
2024 has been my ultimate bipolar, ultimate up-and-down year of high highs and low lows, and this is one of my lowest lows of the year, which is really saying something. I've had better years in my life, I've had worse years in my life, but I've never had one with so many high highs and so many low lows.
I remember that sleepless night I had in 2016 after it was called, and 2017-201 feeling like the four longest years of my life. But I felt more energetic, more optimistic, more hopeful things were going to get better then.
And for a short period of time, they did.
I had no need to fret about the news or watch politics around the clock 24/7 the past four years, though I still followed along. For the most part, I simply lived my life, as these past four years have just flown by. I kid you not I've had moments and days the past four years where I even forgot who was the president, because it was refreshing to have an adult in the White House who didn't run his mouth crying on social media or embarrass us or commit a crime at every turn.
Now?
- I've had trouble sleeping.
- I've wished I was dead.
- I've wished I was born in a previous time period.
- I've wished I was never born.
- I'm still doing my job, albeit at a slower pace and nowhere near the invigoration I had just a short while ago.
- I've thoughts of wanting to quit my job.
- I've had diarrhea multiple times today.
I'm not getting any younger. I just turned 33 and the soonest we could get back Congress is when I'm 35 and the soonest we can get back the White House is when I'm 37. I find myself wishing I was in a coma for the next four years and awaken when we have a Democratic trifecta again.
And this is somebody who's a straight, white male in a rural area and probably wouldn't be affected unless they decided to come after atheist liberals.
This is so cliche, but times used to seem so much simpler. The W. years and Iraq War seemed to drag on forever, but I didn't get the sense it was this bad. My country that I grew up in, I don't recognize, it's not the country I thought it was or what I was taught it was all the years I went to school.
And as bad as the W. years were, I never thought I'd see the day where this country had just completely lost its soul, abandoned all logic and reasoning and decided to cut off its nose to spite its face.
I'm in a trance, and I don't know how to pull myself out of it.
I'd like to think I'm still young enough where the country I grew up in, or even a better version than it, can come around sometime in the one life I have, but every time this country gives me hope, gives me optimism, it crushes my spirits worse.
And if we still have elections, I feel sorry for whichever Democrat the country will hand a mop to. Maybe one day, we can have the keys to the White House without needing a mop.
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Last edited Sat Nov 9, 2024, 12:29 AM - Edit history (1)
Not angry at anyone or anything in particular, just angry at EVERYONE and EVERYTHING in general. Angry at the world and everyone in it who is acting like everything is just the same as usual, when in actuality, NOTHING is the same as usual. Outwardly calm but seething with rage underneath.
It hit me all of a sudden this afternon, when I got frustrated because I couldn't find the place I was trying to find. I can usually take things like that in stride, but this time, I went from "Where the heck is this place?" to "FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 
like someone had suddenly flipped a switch in my brain.
Fortunately, I've been able to avoid spilling over on other people so far. I really don't want to take out my frustration on others or add to anyone else's pain. It's hard, though. I think I need to go look at some goofy cat memes or videos of animals doing silly things. Yes, that sounds like just the ticket!