Trauma dreams ...

[FirstLight]

Therapy has been going really well. Monster sessions digging deep which is good. And also making great strides in my own safety and Independence feelings.

This evening I went to bed early after running errands and feeling tired and run down. Now I've woken up three times I'll do to having dreams of different instances where I was in bad situations or having people come at me.

The worst and most detailed one, was of being cornered by a husband of someone I babysat for. And now I'm wondering if that was an actual memory or if my brain is just fucking with me. Do I remember these people ? Maybe? I know that the rest of the dream was all garbled but it was interesting how my mother and my sister were the ones picking me up in the first part of the dream and in the second part of the dream I was sitting in the emergency room with my son. And it feels like I woke up and then went back into the dream again and it got more detailed. Just that feeling of being trapped, helpless, and having someone with ill intentions being there.

That's why I'm taking a break from sleeping to actually speak this out. Hoping that the next time I go to sleep it's not there still 😭

I hate how the brain can mess with you. Especially when your sleep is supposed to be, in my opinion, a safe space...

[2naSalit]

1. I get those...

Not very often but I recall having those kind of dream states. Years ago someone told me that you can suggest to yourself as you go to sleep that if you end up in a weird dream and realize it, you can make changes to get out of bad situations in the dream. I used to have some dreams that I suspect had other entities involved and the way I was able to escape the situation in the dream was to yell out "NO!" and then,like trying to rise to the surface of deep water, making my way back to consciousness. I found that sometimes I had to just visualize the escape if I felt trapped otherwise. It usually works, but remembering that you can do that is the trick.

Anyway, I hope that things continue to improve for you, it's been a rough stretch.

[FirstLight]

2. Went back to bed/sleep at 4am...

woke up at 9am like a "normal day"

I dont remember dreaming the rest of the night. But this also got me thnking about my entire life having memory issues with events, etc...

Reading up on so many articles how not only trauma, but ADHD can effect long term memory srorage and recall. I am realizing this isn't just somethng that is my age (54) but this has been an issue my whole life.

Like if someone asks you where you were in 2010, I can count back and remember my youngest was in 1st grade, but that's math. I know my oldest graduated, but again, that's math...I was 40. Where was I working? were we already moved into the house on that street? who was I dating?
If I can't even remember my own life...how was I even present for my children, or my friends? I have two lifelong friends, and they will even share something from the past (like and ex BF) and I have trouble placing the timeframe...I might remember the person's name and some "gist" of their relationship, but yikes.

I wrote all this down in my journal to ask my therapist. I'm also reading some articles this morning on how both childhood trauma and adhd can make it more difficult to form memory or recall, they can even make memory succeptible to alteration.
Does anyone else have memory issues or am I seriouosly cray-cray?

[FirstLight]

3. Today has really been depressing

I am just feeling the sinking in of everything I guess...
Realizing that I'm going to be spending Thanksgiving Christmas and my birthday which is New Year's all by myself for the first time ever and that can be a really great thing and I can make some new traditions for myself but today it just makes me want to cry... and I really miss my mom 🥺

Feeling very wobbly...but still not enough to relapse drinking or seeking another escape.
Just sitting with it.

I let my candles and I'm playing positive vibration music to just soothe My soul through this. And I know this too shall pass it just sucks