2024 has been my ultimate up-and-down year
With one month to go in the calendar year, and a team I covered just won the high school football state championship in its class yesterday, I think of how up-and-down my 2024 really has been.
I'm still high from going to NBA Crossover back in Indy in February, getting to have my picture taken with the Larry O'Brien Trophy and getting some Sports Illustrateds signed by Dominique Wilkins and also Bill Walton a few months before he left us.
I think of how in March, I kissed a woman for the first time since November 2021, and made it to a second date with her, only for her to turn cold on me and distance herself from me after a great first date, and we're both on the spectrum.
I think of, in April, how I finally got over her by getting with another one, and her asking me for intercourse on the first date, and then after three really good dates, she dumped me, which devastated me so badly that I felt used and asked myself what good I'm for. I wanted to buy a gun and blow my brains out in front of her - and actually went looking, was only going to hurt myself (no one else) and do so in front of her. It was my worst mental health crisis since my failed suicide attempt in June 2015, and of the days I've lived since then, some I'm thankful I survived, others I'd wish I'd succeeded.
I think of in late May, how I finally flushed the other one out of my system and had my first date with my current girlfriend, and our six-month anniversary is on Wednesday, but we've been near breakup multiple times, including when she said there were things she liked about both trump and Kamala, but wanted to vote for trump until she ultimately decided she wouldn't vote at all to make me happy. We've had great trips to Louisville and to Nashville, as we've played arcades together, gone to places together, slept over at each other's places how many times, or when she's accompanied me, and we've gone on trips together as I've expanded my autographed Sports Illustrated collection.
She's been there for me and loving, but also clingy, and is upset I'm going out of town back home for the holidays. Her and my mother do not like each other, and they were unhappy with each other when I was on FaceTime Friday, and my girlfriend, out of anger, slapped me on Friday, to which I'll never see her the same again. We're still together at the moment, but it's something I'll have a hard time ever forgiving and certainly won't forget. Thursday was magical having Thanksgiving with her family, and the memories of us shopping for Toys for Tots last Sunday warmed my heart and everything we've done together, whether it was something I wanted to do, or she wanted to do.
Back in 2014-2015, I used to collapse and get seizures and didn't get my first seizure until my early twenties. I had a seizure for the first time in nine years back in May, on the verge of ending my life - not eating, not sleeping, having diarrhea, over the one who dumped me after the third date, and again another one in October over being stressed to the high heavens.
Yet, my job took me to Busch Stadium where I covered the local semipro team making a trip to play there, and I actually set foot on Busch Stadium's field itself after the game and hung out in the dugout taking pictures and video of the game. I interviewed Hall of Famer Scott Rolen and after two previous trips to Lucas Oil Stadium covering one of the local high schools I cover, and they lost both times, they finally won the state championship yesterday, and I finally got to enjoy a state championship in football.
Still, there's the election, which has taken a toll on me - I didn't sleep the night of the election, wishing I was dead, wishing I wasn't born or wishing I was born in a different time. I've been mostly checked out of my job since then, with some exceptions. I've felt hopeless, not really in the holiday spirit too much and have only exercised once or twice, not caring if I've gained weight after losing a ton of it earlier in the year. I've had positive moments since then, and while I'm not actively suicidal at the moment, I'm just have the mentality that, "If I die, I die." I'm not going to try to end my life, but I'm just horrified this is what my country has become.
Yet, I've also joined BlueSky since the election, which has felt therapeutic and have more like-minded posts and people on that site, plus I have each and every one of you.
I've seen Indy, Louisville, Nashville, Columbus and St. Louis, some of them multiple times this year, and they've all been great.
I've had worse years in my life. I'd say 2007, 2015 and 2020 were in the bottom three of my life. Maybe I've had better years in my life than 2024. My loved ones are telling me they think I've had more positives than negatives this year for me personally, which might be true.
But never can I think of another year in my life of both so many high highs and so many low lows.
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I am glad you have loved ones to remind you of the good stuff and support you. IDK about the girlfriend thing, slapping is not healthy, and can lead to other types of abuse or manipulation. If you two want to stick it out, maybe take a couples course online about healthy communication?
Sounds like an amazing job you have! That's nothng to sniff at.
Like all of us, just keep on truckin'...it's literally all we can do. And try to continue to make good memories ...glad we can be here for you. This DU family has been a rock for me these years...especially the past month!
