A year ago today, I walked out of the day hospital program, and ...

[Denninmi]

... what do I have to show for the past year? Nada, zip, zilch, zero.

It all sucks. I don't feel like I will ever escape from the ongoing nightmare. I thought a change of Dx would help, but it really didn't, I have the same problems no matter what is written on a medical record.

I know, negativity and feeling sorry for myself. What else is new?

[intaglio]

1. Glad to see you posting again

Sometimes you are reduced to just plodding on seeming to get nowhere. Sometimes though you find that the uphill trudge has got you onto a hilltop and, perhaps, even a ridgeway.

Good luck!

[elleng]

2. Dear Den,

sounds so unlike you!

[Denninmi]

3. Ah, one of those days when you feel like kicking teddy bears.

What can I say ... at least I had enough sense to ask the new psych for something - she gave me good old fashioned cheap prozac. That should help. I guess all of this goes with the territory. We're getting into some really deep and painful stuff during therapy. Mostly I'm really pissed about my childhood, it was stolen from me. So, I brood.

OTOH, it's sunny, warm, and I'm sitting here at work in shorts and a comfy cotton shirt -- boss is in DC today, so I declared ultra-casual Friday. My co-worker is pregnant, so she was so down with dressing comfy today.

[elleng]

4. I LOVE ultra-casual Fridays!!!

(Don't recall I had any when working, but now, well, just have to find some sweats!)

You surely have a lot of sense, Den, and tho theft of childhood is very serious and burdensome, you are positioned to develop a satisfying rest of life.

I cried yesterday when finally clearing everything out of husband's apartment. He messed me up for many years, also messed up daughters tho they don't know it, but I'm on my way to my cottage, and beginning to enjoy my next chapter. Warm here too, and weekend will be sunny. When I brood these days its only momentary, NOTHING compared with the 10 or so years on anti-depression meds.

Later; heading out on the road. And of course, if you're ever east, I'm here, to show the place to you!!!

[Denninmi]

8. Hey, great you're getting some of his mess cleaned up.

And I'm so glad the cottage worked out. It's near the ocean, or Chesapeake Bay, right? Does that mean softshell crabs in season? I love those.

[elleng]

14. Cottage is on the Patuxent River, which feeds into the Chesapeake Bay.

I love softshell crabs too! Next spring, I guess! Found some shells on my lawn today, small ones, but will keep looking. I understand this area is full of things of archaeological interest.

[2theleft]

5. Sorry to hear you have hit a rough patch...

From some of your other lounge posts and others about exercising and such, I thought you were in a much better place. It also is SO hard when therapy gets rough. Hang in there...you may have been robbed of your childhood, but they can't take the rest of your life from you if you don't let them. I know that's easier said than done - I struggle with it a lot, but hang in there. You are so strong. You will get through it.

[2theleft]

6. AND - I totally disagree that you have nothing to show for it.

From what I've read, you have increased confidence, you have pushed yourself physically, you have overcome so many things when you were at your darkest. Please, take a minute to really think about where you were a year ago and where you are today. The difference in how you write/what you write is amazing - I know it may not seem significant to you, but from my perspective, you have grown tremendously.

Keep your chin up and keep moving forward. Let us know how we can help.

[Denninmi]

7. Oh, I know this intellectually.

Just kicking teddy bears and scowling at rainbows today. If a unicorn walks by, I'll probably stab it to death with a pencil and cook it in the microwave for lunch. One of those days.

On edit, there is this Brad Paisley song I like called "One of Those Lives" - it's based on something in real life, a family he knows whose kid was fighting cancer, he contrasts his shitty day of feeling sorry for himself because work sucks and traffic is snarled with what the family is going through finding out the little boy is out of remission.

I think I need to play that on infinite loop this afternoon on my phone.

[2theleft]

9. Ok. Glad you know that at least intellectually.

And I can totally relate on the kick the teddy bears day. I'm having one of those as well, but more because of annoying co-workers than my own personal demons, which is good in a way. Happy to hear it is more of a bad day than a long term feeling.

I love Brad Paisley, but don't know that song...I'm going to have to go find it.

[Denninmi]

10. It's like track 7 or 8 on "This Is Country Music"

[HereSince1628]

11. Well over a year ago, I walked out of an out-patient program

having been told that I was incurable and the psychologist didn't have time to deal with it.

I can't say my circumstance is better or worse. It certainly left me with all the same mental problems, and a fairly severe state of discouragement.

Since that time, I've added prostrate cancer and heart failure to my various other medical diagnoses.

In a foolish moment I looked at the Kaiser calculator for ACA...it says for a silver plan I'd have to pay over $8000 per year. Almost 4 times my income.

Moreover I don't qualify for subsidies because my state isn't expanding medicaid, and the calculator says I'd get a zero tax credit. I suppose the latter is because my taxes are already zero.

Wow, another crack to slip through. I thought I'd reached bottom a while ago, but apparently it's gonna get wor$e.

[Denninmi]

12. I'm sorry, that's rough.

Makes my circumstances seem insignificant. I hope you can find some relief, financial as well as medical, for all of that.

[HereSince1628]

13. Sorry I should have just said nothing...

I didn't mean to create a sense of competition, but to present the other side...the bad example so to speak

Emotional calculus...differentials...feeling bad isn't about amplitude, but rather the slope of our trajectory.

[TexasBushwhacker]

15. I have similar issues and I've turned to clinical trials

There are a lot of new drugs for mood disorders being studied, and in some cases they are studying the antidepressant effects of older drugs. I'm currently participating in a study of Riluzole, which is a drug for ALS that affects the the neurotransmitter glutamate. I can't say it helps because I ended up being on the placebo, but during the next phase I'll get to take the real drug. There are also clinical trials soon using the drug ketamine, which shows some promise for helping depressed patients quickly.

You can look up clinical trials in your area here:

http://www.clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/home

Some of the studies are even compensated. I get $25 a week for the one I'm doing now.

[davidthegnome]

16. I've often wondered...

If living in an area where a day program, or real treatment was available, would make a difference. When you're living in a rural area, far away from any true city, when it takes months to get to see a psychiatrist, well, your options are rather limited. They become even more limited when you can't get health insurance - no, not under Obamacare either as I just lost my job. Add to that the fact that Maine's governor is rejecting federal money for health insurance assistance, and, well...

Negativity, feeling sorry for myself... yep, that could be a summary for me as well. Still, I thought I would respond to your post (rather late, but a response) because you responded to mine.

It can be something of a roller coaster, living with mental illness, particularly when it becomes severe. Or, when it may seem like an endless cycle of going from hope to misery, from ambition to surrender. Me, this is my millionth or so breakdown and I've lost just about everything.

What keeps me hanging on Dennimi... what stops me from completely throwing in the towel, are the people around me that love me. It is the knowledge that, if something happened to me, they would be miserable, perhaps suffer as I have suffered, because of the loss. Now maybe that's a trifle narcissistic, but perhaps true at the same time. It is those poor folks who give a damn, who struggle with me through every failure and fall.... that keep me clinging on.

I know that there are times when it seems hopeless, when it seems like the misery will never end. But all the same... give it time, you will smile again. You will laugh again. You will love and weep and struggle and succeed. Whether in great ways or small ones.

This too shall pass in time. I know that doesn't make the current suffering any easier - it doesn't for me, either. Yet... twenty-nine, a million times over I could have surrendered, and I've damn close at times. Somehow, I'm still here. Because I refuse to give up completely. Because I choose to still believe that somewhere, somehow, some time, things will get better. The will to live and to thrive is a powerful thing.

I'm miserable too, right there with you. Just letting you know I give a damn, and telling you what helps me keep going. At the end of the day, it's the people that care.

[Denninmi]

17. Thanks, that's nice.

I imagine access to care is much harder in rural areas and small states. I'm lucky to live in a major metropolitan area, with dozens of choices of health systems, and probably hundreds of MD's, psychologists, etc. Of course, paying for it here is still an issue for so many people. I hope that ACA helps with that, I think mental health parity is part of it.

Yeah, we do keep hanging in there, don't we. I just came to realize, it's not weakness to not give in, it's strength, it's the harder path. It takes more courage to face life than to face death.

Thank you for your response, please feel free to PM me any time if I can help, or just listen.