How to stay motivated in the face of repeated failures?

[Locut0s]

So one of the things I'm really struggling with during this recent breakdown is how to get back to the point where I feel like doing anything at all. I've been on the secondary education wheel since 2001 and have yet to show even a certificate or diploma for it yet alone a degree of any type. In between that I've worked retail jobs for about 5 years. Either way these breakdowns keep getting in the way of progressing any further. The pattern is, I do 2-3 months or school or a few years at a job and have a breakdown and flush it all down the toilet. Then I spend 2 to 3 months in a near suicidal depression at home eating and sleeping (I'm still in this phase from my recent breakdown though getting slightly better). 5th time through this cycle and I'm starting to wonder if there's a point to it all any more. I'm not the type who feels comfortable going on disability or falsely collecting welfare or anything so I almost feel at times I'm destined for the street, and the scariest thing is the thought doesn't always scare me, I picture the worst of the adjustment taking several horrible months then you would settle into a monotonous depressing street life which again I don't know why but somehow the thought is almost comforting at times.

At any rate the key thing I suppose is how do I get back to being even the slightest bit motivated about my life in the face of these constant failures? I used to feel pretty good at the start of many semester or jobs but now I just feel it will inevitably turn out bad. Even if it DOES start out good I have to go a year or more before I feel I've broken any new ground in terms of being in new territory emotionally, that's a long time to wait for the other shoe to drop all the time.

Further more what direction do I even point myself in now? 10 years ago or so I could have told you easily my favourite topic was physics / math and that's where it looked like I was headed in. A few breakdowns latter and I was saying some general science degree, though that was looking kind of dim. Another couple of years and it looked like I'd be working at 7-11 for the foreseeable future, but hay I was good at that and things were going well. Then that failed too. Then I tried computers and like everything else I was good at it academically but had another emotional breakdown. Now what? Don't really feel like going back to retail. I have the smarts for most degrees out there but I just keep bashing my head against an emotional brick wall. I've been thinking off and on of trying a trade profession like electrician. They pay quite well, are hands on and have a good meditative quality to them. But even here you are looking at 4-5 years before you are making any real living, it's surprisingly years of school and apprenticeships at crappy salaries. And I don't know if I'd like that world either in the end.

I'm back to being 16 again both emotionally and in terms of job prospects and I'm 31. I know lots of people tell me 31 is still young and I know the factual truth about this. There are people who don't get launched till their 50s, and I've seen a few "lost" people in my travels backpacking around the world in their 50s and 60s. But these certainly are a small minority and I've seen far more this age who lost their way and are just on the streets. I really would rather avoid being a real life "40 year old virgin", both literally and figuratively, working tech support in the back of some future shop (if you've seen the film). Right now even that would be a step up.

To make a long post short, how do I gain even a modicum motivation in this context?

[applegrove]

1. You were doing well this past spring. Go

over that time in your life. What was different then? You could stop and smell the roses. Even if there was some weight gain on certain meds isn't it better to try life that way, get a little success under your belt and then you'll have perspective. Join an assertiveness class, meet a potential partner who is as soft as you, compare notes on how hard it is to be so sensitive, laugh at the antics of the extroverts in your lives, realize that you are on one long journey that pays off the older you get, and then you can worry about weight gain and meds the next year. We care for you and want you to be happy. And not so hard on yourself. There is nothing wrong with working at a store. I've done that too and am quite proud at how hard I used to work. You should be proud too.

[Locut0s]

5. Thank you applegrove, you are too kind! :P...

The assertiveness class is an interesting idea, I didn't know such a thing even existed, thanks. As for what was different this past summer well, part of the problem is that I was able to be happy because I had put off the big decisions till later. I was planning to go to school in several months time then which was always going to be the big stressor which meant that I was sort of able to live in a bit of a fantasy world. With the big worry some time off in the future I was able to forget about that and concentrate on working on myself. But it's not realistic to just move the big worries like a job and or school off into the future, you have to face them eventually. Right now I'm not facing them either as I'm just stuck at home now but I don't feel I should get back into that fantasy role either, even if I feel better there and am able to improve myself physically and mentally in some aspects. I have to face these problems eventually. Thank you for the support and kind works though, they mean a lot!

[Tobin S.]

2. Has any therapist ever thought that you might have bipolar disorder?

It looks to me as if you have a continuous cycle of feeling really good and feeling really bad. Contrary to popular belief, most people with bipolar disorder do not have rapid cycles. They are not happy one minute and sad the next. The total cycle can be over a year.

I think my cycle was about a year and I would have crashes like you. I was hospitalized three times for them.

I would take the information you have posted here to a doctor and have him or her evaluate it.

It's very difficult to make any progress psychologically while you are in the throes of mental illness symptoms. You have to get that under control.

[Locut0s]

6. Thanks Tobin, actually yes I have considered bipolar disorder...

The only issue is I never seem to have the manic phase. But you are right I do seem to have semi regular breakdowns. I don't know if they follow a regular enough pattern to be considered bipolar but it's worth looking into. Like I was saying I don't have the manic phase, during the periods I'm up I normally just feel happy and relieved. At least I don't consider them to be manic phases. I'll bring it up when I see my new psychiatrist, thanks.

[Tobin S.]

9. Bipolar II might be a possiblilty

It's not as severe an illness as Bipolar I, but it's still very serious. In Bipolar II you have the clinical depression like in Bipolar I, but the upswings aren't as drastic. The high for Bipolar II is called hypomania. Basically you just feel really well and don't get into the delusions and possible psychosis of full blown mania.

At any rate, I'm happy you will be bringing this up with your doctor. Let us know how it goes.

[grahamhgreen]

3. I treat every failure as a reference. Move on and try something different.

That's all I got...

[Locut0s]

7. Thanks grahamhgreen. I know that's the healthy response...

But after repeated failures and in the face of constant anxiety and depression it's difficult to stay motivated enough to see the positive side of things like this.

[HereSince1628]

4. You've arrived at a question of gigantic importance.

I don't have an answer, but I notice that you don't like things the way they are and want a path that leads to things being better.

Seems to me that you can't have those wants while being completely devoid of hope. Hope is to psychology like heat is to baking...absolutely essential.

Kindle that flame.

[Locut0s]

8. That's true Here...

If I were completely devoid of hope I wouldn't be thinking along these lines at all I suppose. Thanks.

[fizzgig]

10. wish i had some advice for you

i often feel like a failure in my life and just keep on pushing because i'll be damned if the bastards will knock me down. all i can do is be the best me i can be.

good luck, friend

[PasadenaTrudy]

11. I hear ya

Going thru a tough spell myself, hoping to find hope some days, lol. So many issues I'm dealing with. Still grieving the loss of my mom and sis; I lost them within 2 months of eachother 3 years ago. I'm starting menopause, so I feel like a different person. I've been mostly on meds since I was 16 for depression, this time I'm on Cymbalta, also for fibromyalgia that I have. Well, I've gained a ton of weight over the last few years which makes me physically uncomfortable. Don't know if it's menopause? Cymbalta? The hormone replacement I've been on? Eating to deal with the grief? I am no longer getting help or support from my longtime psychotherapist (since 1987!). She fat shames me I feel. She's disappointed I've gained weight Sorry, I have to stop for now. Just know you are not alone!