When you can't get help right away....

[moriah]

What are your options?

I really can't afford to go inpatient again. I don't want to, for one. It's never fun, I always feel extremely claustrophobic (too many strangers in too small of an area), and it always worries my family. I also really need to be able to continue my work from home stuff or I will not be able to continue in the program, and it's the only thing I've found to make ANY money at home at all, even if I haven't been able to make a full $1000 a month.

I also don't even think I really meet criteria. I feel worthless, that I'm a burden to everyone around me, and that people would be better off without me, but I refuse to do anything about it, and it was having to resist the impulse to make an attempt that made me check myself in the last time. I don't want to get to that point again.

I've registered with the sliding scale and free clinics, but none of them have openings yet and have to go by priority. My anxiety and panic attacks aren't going to kill me, neither is my PTSD, but this depressive episode is bad and getting worse and I know I need the help. I just wish I could just see a doctor rather than have to go to an ER and say I can't hack it anymore, especially without insurance. Again, I don't think that qualifies for admission.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. I wish so much that there were something I could say that would help you...

I've had depressive episodes, but nothing like what you're going through. Just know I'm out here, and I do care.

I hope someone will come along with some ideas for you...



One thing I can say: I know that your family and friends would be sad if you took your life. They would not be better off without you. I've read that over and over again, in posts where the survivors talk about their loved one. It is something that they always say.

So, even though you feel less than useless, or a burden to them, they do not feel that way.

[moriah]

2. Well, I did do that Wishadoo thing, because when you have money to pay, doors open....

.... and I feel very grateful.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. That is excellent!

Good luck to you.

[moriah]

6. Thank you... for the well-wishes for certain... part of me feels even more worthless....

... for having to beg from other DUers because I know none of us have a whole lot to spare.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

7. You are worth it.

This is what makes DU a community. We care about each other.

[moriah]

9. I appreciate it more than I can say, I'm just in a place where it's hard to believe I'd be missed.

I know I would be. I helped save a friend who had a plan and needed help... he still doesn't trust me for getting him the help he needed despite his wishes, but if I hadn't, I'd have lost a friend.

Then a few weeks later, another took his life. The funeral was heartbreaking.

I will keep hanging on but oh it's so hard. soooo hard.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

10. ...

[mopinko]

4. sleep

sleep is a drug that helps heal your sore tired brain. take as much as you need.

and just plain old hang on.

[moriah]

5. My PCP was reluctant to even prescribe prazosin.

It's not a controlled substance, it's a blood pressure pill, but it helps with nightmares and night terrors significantly.

[hunter]

13. Recently I saw my doctor with frequent nightmares as one of my complaints... again.

No, not the night terrors, auditory hallucinations, and the OCD feral human survivalist of my entirely unmedicated self, but still... not nice.

Maybe Seasonal Affective Disorder too? I don't need that.

Sleep is always better than falling apart.

I've resigned myself that I'll probably cause as much trouble as my crazy grandma did when she flamed out (and my mom has expressed that same fear) but God willing I won't bite any paramedics or try to kick any cops in the balls as they are strapping me to the gurney.

I only share a quarter of my crazy grandma's genes but unfortunately none of my grandparents were very well put-together. Rocket scientist semi-functional autistic spectrum, anxiety disorders, and major depression... and other stuff. It's all in my blood.

Every day is a new adventure. I live for the magnificent adventures and even after a string of bad adventures, in my most awful pessimistic suck-the-life-out-of-everything state, I've always nurtured this tiny spark of hope that a very fine adventure will be along shortly.

[moriah]

15. The first time was a flameout, and no, I didn't bite anyone....

... the second time I checked myself in, but then again I was also depressed at that point, not in manic psychosis.

[LiberalEsto]

8. Dear Moriah,

Depression sucks. I'm so sorry you're dealing with it at the moment. It's like wearing a 300-ound weight on your back.

I spent most of last year in a severe depression. Didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, go anywhere.
Even with several meds, a light box for seasonal depression every fall, and a counseling session once a week, I was an absolute mess. Part of it was being unemployed for the past few years, and losing hope of ever finding work again. I spent most of my time playing solitaire on the computer and dragging through the rest of the day.

One night last December I decided I was sick and tired of being depressed, and symbolically threw away the depression. For some reason it helped, but I have no idea how or why. Since then I've had a few ups and downs but generally feel much better.

When I was in the middle of the depression, I couldn't imagine that it would ever go away. Yours will go away at some point.

Every human being has worth. You have worth. You're too depressed to see it at the moment, but you will realize it when you feel a little better. Good luck to you in getting over this. You will. And DU folks are here for you.

[moriah]

11. I wish I could just throw it away... i've tried....

A lot of it isn't just depression, but anxiety and PTSD and not trusting myself. I've had a history of Bipolar II, and my "hypomanic" times where when I was able to work 60 hour workweeks and sleep 4 hours a night, be very functional, gain the trust and respect of my colleagues, even if I overspent....

But without a job that really supports me, and all the medical bills... it's like every time I think about how bad my situation is, I get more depressed. And the situation keeps throwing itself in my face over and over, and I feel like such a weakling for not being able to just get over it.

[HereSince1628]

12. What it seems you are asking for is "First-Aid" for depression

to serve as a bridge to therapy. In the US we know about first-aid kits for cuts and bruises, and some school districts include basic lessons about first-aid in health and physical education courses. We typically don't get much training about first aid for depression, and we are dissuaded from practicing medicine via the internet.

But, first aid -is just- first aid.

Assessing the seriousness of the problem is a first step. Personally, I think you've made the correct first steps--seeking and making a plan to get to those first appointments with professionals. That is unquestionably the right thing to do. Professionals can help you understand and help you recover. You can emerge from this more capable.

In the mean time, while this is going to be an emotionally tough time, there are things you can do.

Sharing your thoughts, with others that you trust, is an important way to address the challenges that are going to show up. Communicating about the speed bumps and rough roads that you perceive will help clarify your thoughts, identify problems and may also reveal options to overcome them. You can do this with yourself through a diary or with another person. Another person may have knowledge or insights about how to find work-arounds. In any case, there are often (usually?) work-arounds. Discussing options with those you trust can make you feel much less trapped and alone.

Distraction can sometimes provide opportunities for periods of relief. Depression strips us of motivations but the appeal of things we have enjoyed in the past, or things we've wanted to experience but haven't yet, can overcome that inertia and provide circumstances in which we may feel better.

We have emotions because they are an important part of being human. Emotional awareness is often non-verbal and linked to our senses. Consequently, although emotions, per se, may seem remote and untouchable, they -can- be stimulated, by activating our senses--vision, smell, taste, touch, and hearing.

If you know you have pleasurable experiences with one or more of your senses, you may be able to manipulate your feelings through that sense. For example, you may be able to alter your mood listening to music, or by smelling a perfume or the aroma of something cooking, or the taste and texture of a 'comfort food'. Carrying on a sensory communication with yourself may not only help you feel better, but the experience may reinforce your sense of having positive control of your emotional experience.

In closing, it seems to me that you have good instincts and are on a path that goes in the direction of recovery. I think you will weather this. I'm one of the great curmudgeons of this group, yet, I really do think you can do this.

Best Wishes

jm

[moriah]

14. I know first aid isn't going to do much good...

Edit to add: insofar as not being the only thing done, but it is simply that, a bandaid. Thank you for your help and support and advice.

.. I did find a friend who said they'd drive me in for an intake for possible inpatient if I felt it got that bad. I don't want it to get that bad, and if it does, I really would rather as few people as possible to know.

And I don't have a registered car so I can't drive to even a partial hospitalization program, at least not now. I hope I can get it registered in December.

[enough]

16. Given that it is just that, first aid,

in my experience there are a few things that can be done. The problem of course is that when we're in the depths of it, the few simple things are exactly what we find so hard to do.

Get your face and hands and forearms out into direct sunlight outdoors for a few minutes (more time and more skin if possible). If possible, walk around outdoors for a little while. Even though it's a cliche, sit, stand or lie down for seven to ten slow deep breaths. Maybe walk around a little more. If there's no sunlight, a hot bath or shower can also help.

Don't let yourself get too cold or too hungry.

I wish you well, moriah.