Thank you so much!

[get the red out]

I don't know anyone here personally, but yesterday I had a terrible crisis with my depression and I reached out here, and your kindness, advice, and experience helped save my ass. That was my second massive meltdown in two weeks, the first was when I was still on a full dose of Effexor, prompting me to go to my new Psychiatrist and tell her I needed a medication change. Today I will see here again and, though she advised against it, I have stepped down and now off Effexor completely. I did that because I needed that poison out of my system since it just kept me functioning on auto pilot with constant thoughts of self-loathing 24/7. I was nauseous last night, but I can handle that temporary physical symptom. Now that I am totally off that stuff, they will have no excuse to try to keep me on it in any dosage. I am not without medication, I have been taking Lamictal in addition to Effexor for about three years and that medication has been a Godsend for me, I believe it has mitigated the potentially horrific side effects of going off Effexor. I have no proof of that, but it seems reasonable to assume.

I feel like I have gained a great deal more insight into my depression, general anxiety, and OCD through this lousy experience, and I know a little more about how to tell if a medication is working for me or not. I think the Effexor was some help for about 5 of the 7 years I took it, then I believe it actually started gradually making my Pure-OCD (OCD without visible rituals) worse, I need to find better verbiage to express problems I may be having with a medication (apparently, merely having a Master Degree hasn't prepared me to speak clearly enough to be believable to Psychiatrists). I WILL find the courage to express myself clearly today, I simply can't afford not to, because I woke up wanting to live! I still hate myself, but do have a desire to live.

I will run my kick-ass agility dog in a competition (called trials) in two weeks, and if my slow butt doesn't cause a mistake, the other dogs in her class will be competing for second place. She is literally the wind and she deserves to be shown off, and I owe her that. I am sobbing now, but not for the same reasons I did yesterday. What a difference a day, and the help of the good people here, and in my non-online life, can make.

[irisblue]

1. for you🌹

[BigmanPigman]

2. Keep practicing mindfulness and spend time with your dogs when you

feel anxious. And breathe slowly too.

[Scarsdale]

3. So glad you have

your dog. Animals are such a comfort, full of love and devotion. Sounds like you have trained her very well. Good luck in the trials. Be cautious about medications, some of the side effects are worse than the condition they are supposed to help. Happy to hear that the bloggers here cheered you up. Sounds very positive. Welcome back!

[Bernardo de La Paz]

4. You're getting stronger and that complex does get better with time.

A great thing is to cultivate a meditative state of mind. It has been by studies to reduce anxiety and depression. That is a mind that is occupied in the here and now but is alert and aware.

In particular, when intrusive thoughts of anxiety and depression enter the mind, DON'T try to fight them. Fighting them makes them stronger. Instead, say "hello" and then mentally open a window in your mind and let the breeze blow them out. Acknowledge their presence but get back to the routine aspects of whatever task is ongoing.

Meditation uses focus on breathing as an induction, and similarly routine aspects of tasks have a similar beneficial effect.

So when washing dishes and the mind wanders, don't scold it; simply focus on making a rhythmic pattern of completely washing all the surfaces of the dish in hand. Or checking the progress of drying as you are hand toweling.

This is a big part of why things like gardening, dancing, doing crosswords, and playing music have all scientifically been found to improve and extend cognition in later life. For example, while gardening, think how to make each movement efficient and how to make little adjustments all over the place to improve growth. Also think about long term planning for the garden and enjoy the present and future look and bounty of the garden, but mainly focus on the here and now.

[get the red out]

7. I will try to do this!

I know you are giving good advice, my therapist says the same thing. I am going to really put an effort into following it.

[Dustlawyer]

5. My step-daughter is bi-polar and she competed with her service dog in the 4-H dog show

competitions. The agility was this dogs forte. My step-daughter felt the same about holding the dog back because she could not keep up. I explained that when you have the best damn dog in that competition no human can keep up, it is just a fact!

We lost her dog, Pinky, to cancer and she is not ready to get another one. My daughter's tutor offered her dog who is a water-dog breed so we recently switched to "dock diving" competitions. She really enjoys this new dog sport and "Huck" couldn't be happier! It has really helped her get over her loss and she doesn't feel like she is replacing Pinky who is still in our hearts, and literally still with my daughter in the ashes in a special locket I bought for her.

Life is a roller coaster and you get through the down parts knowing it will eventually start climbing again. Hang in there and spend as much time with your fellow dog people, they are the greatest!

[get the red out]

8. Dog people are the greatest

My agility dog's name is Layla, her picture is in the upper left corner of my posts. On the way to work I put "her song" on very loud, and sang, and sobbed. "Darlin' won't you east my worried mind......"

Dog people are the best, last night my friend that I meet to train dogs with called out of the blue and said "I was thinking about you, how are you doing?" She knows what I have been dealing with, I was hesitant to tell her since she is so intelligent and accomplished in her career (Veterinarian); but when I came clean as to why I was so sick I couldn't make the last agility trial it turned out that her sister has battled depression. I am learning that more people have knowledge of mental illness, and loved ones (or themselves) dealing with it than I ever imagined.

I know some folks with water breeds that just love dock diving! They have a blast. One friend says she can barely hold onto her lab while they try to wait her turn because the dog wants to have at it!

[B Stieg]

6. Good Move!

The meds are a double-edged sword.
I live with Bipolar depression, and I had been on the route for a long time with Paxil, a variety of anti-anxiety meds and Lexipro. My doctor was pushing me towards Lithium when I finally did what you did.
Now, after six years, I'm actually writing my phd dissertation. It's going to take me a couple more, but I was paralyzed by the thing that was supposed to help.
There were times when they helped, and we're all different. But the docs still don't understand how these drugs work yet still hand them out like they're m&m's!
For me, at this point, talk therapy and breaking the isolation I had built up around myself have been the keys!

Keep taking charge and you will figure out what combinations work best for you.
You have the right, and you can do it!

[mopinko]

9. i'm sorry i missed your thread yesterday.

i am glad folks were here for you. this is the best little forum on du.

meds are so tricky, especially when one alone doesnt do the trick. hope you can find a combo that does it all for you.

and yes, awareness of our own symptoms is the hardest part of this whole conundrum of the human mind. having people you trust that you can bounce things off of can mean a lot. but trust can be the first thing that fails.

and i think everyone should have at least one dog. i dont know where i would be without my big bully dog.

[niyad]

10. (((((((((((get the red out))))))))))) did not see your post yesterday, so glad you are doing

better today.

our DU family is the best--and I am glad they were here for you.

when your beautiful agility dog wins the trials, we want pictures and a full report!!!

[get the red out]

11. I will try

to get a friend to video us! I am not much of a handler, but she is amazing.

The DU family is awesome. And I hope I have learned that when I hate myself more than I hate Trump, I should get in touch with my Dr immediately.

[niyad]

12. get in touch with your Dr, and with us. Nobody deserves to hate themselves that much!!

when you are up for it, watch this about how people hate the orange madman:

https://www.democraticunderground.com/1017457355


It’s Now Dawned on Trump: People Hate Him

In a flash of strange self-awareness, Trump acknowledges the truth.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

14. 😵! I'll have to watch

When I'm feeling up for it!

[BlancheSplanchnik]

13. Amazing how quickly you're seeing an improvement!

I'm struggling lately, that's what reminded me to come by the forum here.

Puppy hugs to you and your sweetie pie---good luck in the competition!

[get the red out]

15. Thank you

Coming off Effexor is wretched! I never managed to do anything to myself that left me feeling that physically bad even back in my misspent, alcohol fueled youth. The last two weeks are literally a blur, and I haven't had a drink in almost 25 years. I am finding it difficult to believe that taking something as prescribed, then weaning off of it, can mimic a giant binge, so I keep reminding myself that I am not drunk.

The emotional reactivity is awful too. 0 to 60 on a hopeless scale in less that 5 minutes, then back.

But getting that useless to me medication out of my system has STILL left me in better shape mentally than I was when I was still taking it. I think it ceased helping me at least a year ago, maybe more, and I am starting to wonder if it left me less able to understand that my condition was not right, and that it wasn't my fault. I think that shit zombied me into helplessness because the alternative I was offered was upping the Effexor, so I went with that, rinse repeat. My new Dr gives me a lot of hope that we can find something that really helps me and isn't so dangerous to come off of. She prescribed a drug used to help cancer patients get through sickness caused by Chemo to help me while detoxing from Effexor and thank God, I was just sick of throwing up, vertigo, little electric shocks racing across my skin, chills then sweating......

[get the red out]

16. Update - Effexor REALLY SUCKED!

I have been emotional, and sometimes irritable, but I am off Effexor/Venlafaxine for a week now and have begun to be able to actually feel some positive emotions for the first time in a very long time. I am not sure when Effexor finished completely wiping all ability to feel the slightest bit of joy out of my life, but it's been a while. Yes it helped initially, how long it actually continued to help me I'm not sure. When I would tell the Drs that it wasn't helping my OCD, or I literally couldn't feel anything good but felt plenty of the bad, the upped my dosage or told me that I wasn't working hard enough in therapy. I have now discussed this with my Drs and Therapist, I told them that I can't just accept feeling like I felt on Effexor and feel like it's because I won't help myself. I am already more than willing to blame myself for everything, and they need to help me figure out if a medication is not helping me. I was under the impression that not feeling joy was just the price I had to pay to not be driven mad by my OCD and depression. Ironically both of those problems are right now much better than they were for a long time on the medication.

I am still on Lamictal, which I tolerate very well and has been the real life saver for me. I wonder if it is possible to just take that and continue to be ok? I am scared to death of anti-depressants right now, withdrawals from Effexor and no joke! When I was young and drinking myself to death I literally had seizures in detox coming off mass amounts of alcohol and Zanex and it didn't feel anywhere near as bad as coming off this anti-depressant.

[irisblue]

17. thanks for letting us know how you're doing.

[steve2470]

18. so glad you are feeling better! nt