"Mornings are dark, and I lie in bed, wrapped in fatigue. I cry often"

[JHan]

That's a quote from an essay penned by Chimamanda Adichie

... depression is different. To accept that I have it is to be reduced to a common cliché: I become yet another writer who has depression. To accept that I have it is to give up the uniqueness of my own experience, the way I start, in the middle of breathing, to sense on the margins the threat of emptiness. Time blurs. Days pass in a fog. It is morning and then suddenly it is evening and there is nothing in between. I am frightened of contemplating time itself: the thought of tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, the endless emptiness of time. I long to sleep and forget. Yet I am afraid of waking up, in terror of a new day. Mornings are dark, and I lie in bed, wrapped in fatigue. I cry often. My crying puzzles me, surprises me, because there is no cause. I open a book but the words form no meaning. Writing is impossible. My limbs are heavy, my brain is slow. Everything requires effort. To consider eating, showering, talking brings to me a great and listless fatigue. Why bother? What’s the point of it all? And why, by the way, are we here? What is it I know of myself? I mourn the days that have passed, the wasted days, and yet more days are wasted.

The doctor calls these symptoms but they do not feel like symptoms. They feel like personal failures, like defects. I am normally full of mischievous humour, full of passion, whether in joy or in rage, capable of an active, crackling energy, quick to respond and rebuke, but with this strangeness, I do not even remember what it means to feel. My mind is in mute. I normally like people, I am deeply curious about the lives of others, but with this strangeness comes misanthropy. A cold misanthropy. I am normally the nurturer, worrying about everyone I love, but suddenly I am detached. It frightens me, this sense of slipping out of my normal self. It cannot be an illness. It feels like a metaphysical failure, which I cannot explain but for which I am still responsible.

*snip*

'The doctor says, about the high incidence of depression in creative people, “We don’t know why that is.” Her tone is flat, matter-of-fact, and I am grateful that it is free of fascination.

“Do you think anybody else in your family might have depression?” she asks.

Nobody else does. I tell her, a little defensively, about growing up in Nsukka, the small university campus, the tree-lined streets where I rode my bicycle. It is as if I want to exculpate my past. My childhood was happy. My family was close-knit. I was voted most popular girl in secondary school.

Yet I have memories of slow empty days, of melancholy silence, of perplexed people asking what was wrong, and of feeling guilty and confused, because I had no reason. Everything was wrong and yet nothing was wrong."

It's hard to describe how depression robs you of vitality. Chimanda articulates the struggle so well. It's a good essay to share with people who just don't "get it".

[cilla4progress]

1. I was overcome with a sudden extreme

Fatigue on election night.

I think it was a panic attack.

[JHan]

5. I'm sure the election triggered depressive episodes in some folks

or at the very least anxiety attacks.

[BigmanPigman]

7. I have had panic attacks and you KNOW when you are having one!

Suddenly, out of the blue your heart starts beating so hard and fast that you can see your chest pumping, you can even hear it. I have woken with one, got one while driving and another while cooking...none of these happened when I was thinking or doing anything troublesome at all. There was no reason for "panic" or "anxiety". The first one scared me so much since I was having a heart attack (at least that is what I thought)I drove to the hospital but it stopped after I got there.
If you do have one get a plastic or paper again and hold it up to your nose and mouth and keep breathing deeply keeping your breaths in the bag. It works after a few minutes.

[angstlessk]

9. The last panic attack I had I laughed it away

and have not had one since.

I was in front of my room mate who became frightened when I had a panic attack and I laughed at her fear...and my panic attack...the last one I ever had!

[Corvo Bianco]

2. Thank you for posting.

[democratisphere]

3. drumpfphobia

Many of US are suffering from the horrible symptoms of this dreaded disease. Heavy dose of impeachment is the only cure. Still hoping.

[iluvtennis]

4. Thank you for this post..going to share with my daughter who suffers depression.

[JHan]

6. It's inspiring to read, and cathartic at the same time.

[mopinko]

8. william styron called it "darkness visible"

best description i ever heard.