I committed a cardinal parenting sin. And I feel so guilty.

[laundry_queen]

I totally missed something super important to my 6 yo - her kindergarten graduation. Now, she goes to a different school than my older 3 did, and they didn't have any such thing as kindergarten graduation at their schools. I remember reading about it a month back or so on the school calendar (all it said was 'kindergrad' and no info on what time or where) and wondering what it was exactly. I figured her teacher would send me an email before it happened. I should've known better - they had the graduation a few days ago and I didn't go. My daughter came home upset that she was the only child without parents there. I felt sick that I missed something that important, and angry that her teacher didn't contact me or email me.

One thing I've noticed where I currently live is there are tons of stay at home parents, mostly moms, and that the dads all own their own businesses and take time off all the time to go to school functions. I'm a single mom of 4, and I'm in school full time. I recently had to write a national exam (to try to become an accountant) and so I've been somewhat absorbed in that. I have only had the time to go to the school and talk to the teacher once in the last month. Apparently, all the other parents talk to her all the time, so she sees little need to email, which makes me angry. My older 3 all have teachers and schools that email constantly, especially before large important events. I guess I've come to rely on those emails too much - and I expect them. Over the last few years, every teacher has emailed regularly, until this year's kindergarten teacher. I talked with her on the phone the week I had my exam, and I remember telling her that I needed an email with important dates because I was very flakey lately with all that's on my mind (we just moved too, and I just got served with divorce papers - finally - and my oldest dd is going through some serious depression and I have some health issues going on....and my ex is not very involved with the kids on a day-to-day basis). She said she always sends emails. I told her I only get a few. I talked to other parents who said she doesn't email much.

So with everything going on, I feel super overwhelmed. I have family nearby but they are little help. My mom's idea of helping is to take the kids to the lake for the weekend - something I don't approve of because her idea of safety around the water is not ideal, IMO. Besides, I don't need to be relieved of my kids as I enjoy having them around - I need help with the little things like cooking or cleaning. Again, my mom's idea of helping was to hire me as her housekeeper. So I clean her house in addition to everything - but she pays me so I feel like I have to do it, even though it's super stressful. I get jealous of those families with 2 parents, with a stay at home mom - that used to be me. I never missed anything like this before, EVER with my older 3. I feel jealous and guilty and like a total failure as a parent.

Anyway, so I when missed the graduation I apologized to my daughter and told her mommy didn't know about it and that I was sorry she felt sad and alone, I reassured her I loved her very much and I really wanted to be there with her. I told her I would try to make it up to her and asked her if she could think of anything that I could do that would make her feel better. She listed off a bunch of things (play a board game, have a picnic, etc) that we've since done, but I need some reassurance from other parents that she won't be scarred for life. I'm very angry with the teacher but don't know if I SHOULD be (for background, I had a dysfunctional upbringing and am awful at knowing what is normal or what isn't. I'm also very conflict averse.) after all, it should've been up to me to find out what was meant by 'kindergrad'. Any ideas on what I should say to the teacher or if I should bother? Tomorrow is the last day of school, but it's just a picnic and then early dismissal so somewhat an optional day that my dd has decided she doesn't want to go to. I don't even know if it's worth it to bother to say something.
TIA for the advice.

[uppityperson]

1. She won't be scarred for life and will be very happy to spend special time with just you.

My child is 25 and didn't have kindergrad, think it started after and it always seemed silly to me. Not so much an achievement but a made up sort of one. He did wrestling thing in 4 & 5 th grade, at the end of the two month wekly practice ( and what a kick that was to wastch) they had a meet with everyone getting a medal. The second yr he had to be out of town for the meet so the coach just handed him the medal. He looked really sad, like why get this for nothing, it meant nothing. I made up he was "most improved" which helped but it brought home that kids do not need medals, awards, graduations "just because" but for things they have truly earned.

I know having the rest of the parents there and you not must make you feel incredibly guilty, but don't. At the least, you have shown your child it is ok to make mistakes and indeed he/she will most likely love to spend quality time with just you more.

Edited, and your child will have a long and happy life, with this being such a minor blip in the larger scheme of their life.

[laundry_queen]

4. I agree

My kids' new schools seem to go overboard with the awards for no real reason. They really coddle the kids here, unlike their old school. I think you're right - kids know when they've earned something and they appreciate it much more.

I felt even more guilty when I attended my older child's year end assembly because she asked me to. She was so happy for me to just BE there. I felt even worse for my younger daughter. But as I said in my other post, we have had a fun week and spent a lot of time together (camping) and we just got a new puppy so kindergrad is hopefully a long lost memory.

[kdmorris]

2. I was a single parent and struggling to keep up

when I missed my (now 21 year old) daughter's kindergarten graduation. The teacher sent home a flyer about it without making it clear to the children that it was important. My daughter mentioned that they were having a party, but when questioned, she wasn't sure why.

So I missed it and she came home and showed me her little graduation certificate. And I was really upset. She was NOT really upset. She seemed to think it was something kind of dumb and wasn't upset that I wasn't there.

I did tell the teacher that I was upset that she hadn't made it more clear to the children and parents what was going on. Throwing a flyer in a backpack and expecting a 5 year old to remember to give it to me was not cool.

Anyway, she most certainly doesn't remember it now and your daughter will understand, since you made such an effort to explain to her that you weren't there because you didn't know... not because you didn't care.

[laundry_queen]

3. Thank you, that was helpful.

So far, my dd has not mentioned it anymore. We've had a fun week and she seems to have forgotten for now. A new puppy helps (lol, don't worry I didn't get a new puppy just because of this, it was planned long before that, but the timing is great.)